Feeling the effects of a late night last night. I know the computer clock was only out by 1 hour, but then I didn’t want my post, or signature, to be inaccurate so I came back on the computer. At first I had that “Oh well, blown it, might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb” feeling. Then I thought, I should be in bed, the later I am the more this is going to make me feel off tomorrow….but by then I was already half way through another post, and …….oh excuses, excuses. My son thought that after the time was changed we might have switched the computer off without going through the start menu and that was why the clock was wrong. Mind you, he instantly noticed it was wrong.
It wouldn’t matter so much if I was good about time. I’m not though, and especially if I am having fun or making something. Anything a bit creative and I’m woop – over the other side of the brain and there is no little internal clock ticking. I love the feeling, but I have to be really careful about it. I’ll try the clocks again. Maybe that DST thing needs to be changed.
Yay. I found out how to make the forums’ clocks do what I want. I had to turn the DST correction to “always off” first, then change to Tokyo time.
I changed my goal weight down 5 kilos (11 lb) today. That is from almost normal
BMI to the middle of normal
BMI. I guess the first day I wrote the
goal I was thinking that I should be a bit cautious about what I could do, then this week I was surprised when I noticed that I had put something that was only borderline healthy, and have been meaning to change it now for a couple of days.
I have not been that weight since I married the second time, about 19 years ago. I do remember how big/small it is. I “grew” out of that skirt by the next winter. The summer after the wedding was the first time I found I couldn’t walk in a dress, in the heat because my thighs chafed. It was a happy enough marriage though. Those were the days when enjoyed chowing into a bunch of lollies and such most nights while reading a book and watching TV. I don’t remember feeling guilty. I think I thought it was not the best but not that crucial.
I just had this totally strong association of reading and eating, and I was a reading addict!! I have just modified that to a computer addiction now – but my hands are busy a lot – slows down the eating. For some reason reading books has tended to send me to sleep the last year or two – maybe because my eyes are changing? I probably should try to read more – I see my little girl copy me over and over, and yet she doesn’t read for pleasure and it was the one weakness in her school report. She probably doesn’t see me read that much. I might wait until after Christmas though because I really want to bed down this eating plan.
I need to change the mental image and associated feelings I have about some of my old binges – change the feeling I have about what it was like to throw off the guilt and say “I’m not going to bother with that now, tomorrow or next week will do, tonight I will just relaaaax and indulge.” I have been thinking this week about many past times when I have hungered after certain high
fat, high sugar foods in the past and have had a mental image of the comfy chair and book in hand and happy feeling preceding eating – indulging – it has been an appealing mental image. I need to change a bit of that. Change the “Oh yeah that was nice” feeling to a “Oh wow that was how I was sabotaging my life” feeling. Sometime, I have to work out what to do about my forbidden food, when it’s not totally forbidden any more, but not yet. I have been working on a plan for Christmas Day though. I am determined this will not be a year in which Christmas becomes the beginning of the end of good eating – either through indulging OR through feeling deprived and then indulging on leftovers!!
Last night I finished dinner and
felt like I couldn’t be bothered with the yoghurt again – not really hungry. After a while though I made myself go and get it, and I ate it. I made myself get it because not having it reminded me of lots of times when I’ve thought, “Not yoghurt – I want ….(don’t even want to type the words for fear of starting up my own cravings!!)” So I got it, but really by the time I was half way through I was thinking that it was more than I wanted, and by the time I was nearly finished I was thinking that really my old eating plan only let me have a maximum of half a tub of yoghurt at once anyway – and not even
diet yoghurt – just plain non-
fat yoghurt with some fruit!! So anyway. I will keep having
diet yoghurt if I feel like it – though the fresh fruit is very appealing just at this minute with the taste of a wonderful juicy peach in my mouth – but wow half a tub is enough when I’m not even looking for more food!!
I do rave on here. I feel kind of guilty talking about myself so much in one go – but then again I think that people who don’t want to read it can easy enough not read it without being rude or anything, and it really helps me. It’s kind of like taking notes and going over and over them when you’re studying I think – it sort of helps me find out what makes a difference to me, and presses the important parts more strongly into my brain. Well, I hope so anyway! It makes a difference that I’m posting it on the net too – not just talking to myself. It doesn’t have to be a lot of people reading all the time – just more of a sense that someone is listening and I’m not alone. Also there is that nice endorphin thing I’m getting from the writing. Gotta replace those food rush endorphins!!
My walk today was great. I added on a teeny bit more of the school, and then went past the oval on the other side of the rec centre. Great stuff to walk on. That patch of school is all bushy and the ground is covered with eucalypt leaves (like the little bush school I used to go to) and the next bit has lots of tiny flower caps all over it. Then there is my standard good spot through the wattle, with wattle leaves and seedpods all over the ground (so reminds me of the bush near my childhood home). Anyway when I walked around the far side of the oval – bonus - sheoaks - a dense needle carpet all over the ground and that totally relaxing sound of the wind soughing through them above. We have lived here 10 years and I have never walked on that side of the oval before. So that walk is 30 minutes. I may have walked a bit more slowly today because I wasn’t in a rush. I did walk quickly though – a little puffed afterwards. You know when I came to this site I wasn’t even thinking particularly about walking – it was still a sort of “Oh yes, that’s right I had better walk a bit too” sort of thing – like not really in my mind much. As well as not doing it without an external reason, I would just forget about it. I just worked out an extra loop I can add on to the beginning, while still pretty much sticking to parks. I don’t think I’ll aim at it as a minimum requirement, but maybe I can try to do it most of the time. My feet are a bit sore now, but weren’t when I started walking. My left ankle is aching a bit too. I haven’t noticed that for a long time. Bugger that glucosamine reaction!!
Bushfires in Victoria.
On my other website tonight one of the members, who I like, without knowing well, posted that she is in the middle of the bushfires in Victoria. They are saying these may be the worst fires in 70 years. I saw the post just as I was about to sit down to eat this very fancy meal I cooked. (I volunteered to do it instead of hubby, so I could control it for myself.) Anyway, I don’t know. This is a medium level angst situation for me. I am putting it here because though the fires are so far from me I am conscious of it every moment, and I couldn’t have cared less about the beautiful meal. I let it go half cold and then I didn’t finish it. And then I felt dissatisfied and half thought about eating consoling crap. I think I must be unreasonably upset because all is well here, but then I do not want to try and talk myself out of being upset, because this is real. OMG if I was her I would be terrified. I couldn’t bear it. Only I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even think of anything reasonable to wish for to make it better. I just feel like I want to sit on the other website till the weekend is over and try to stay linked to her somehow and make her safe, which I can’t do.
She says “I am in the middle of all those brightly burning things.”
http://img222.imageshack.us/img222/5582/statemapqd1.gif Breakfast ~ 7:30 1 wholemeal muffin, 1 tspn margarine, 1 tspn strawberry jam, 1 boiled egg, 2 weetbix, ~ ¼ C preserved peach cubes, 3/4 C SoGood , 1/2 C coffee with 50ml Hi-Lo milk 1C tomato juice
Lunch ~ 12:25 8 squares (2 serves) wholemeal crackers, about 6 of them topped with micro-slivers of lite cheese & about 5 tiny mini-tomatoes, bacon (the round bit from the end, all
fat trimmed), 5-6 small mushrooms, 2 teaspoons oil, 1 carrot (whole, raw), 1 small peach. White coffee.
Snack 5:50 1C tomato juice 1 C SoGood
Dinner ~ 9.00 6 little prawns microwaved with fresh lime juice. Avgolameno lamb and olive pilaf., (180 gm lamb, 1 C rice, 1/6 cup olives, ½ lettuce, 1 stick celery, 1 onion, ¼ egg yolk, ? 4? Tspn margarine. )
Exercise: 30 min brisk walk,.
Water: 2000ml
Bedtime: 1:10
