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Originally Posted by cym  Morning! Minus the brilliant academic mind and fairy-tale romance  so much of what you say just strikes a chord with me. First, I think one of the drawbacks of a forum like this is it sometimes intensifies our natural inclination to compare ourselves unfavorably with others...what/how much they do/do not eat/weigh/exercise, yada yada.
About the not seeing what everyone sees...I know for a fact that what I saw 99% of the time and what others saw was simply two different images - for a long time both during and post weight loss. My internal image (which superimposes itself in the mirror) is slowly coming closer to matching reality...but for a long, long time there was a huge gap. I would (at a size 5 at the time) be in the middle of ironing slacks for work, look at the waistband and have this sudden irrational panic-y thought "no way these are going to fit me" and have to stop ironing, try on the pants and remind/reassure myself, that the fat chick I saw was in my head. And everytime I got a compliment I felt uncomfortably like a fraud - as though I was projecting an illusion of thinnes (does that make sense?)
I finally had to accept (for myself) that having a eating disorder and being body dysmorphic are just firmly intertwined - it was only when I was able to put food firmly in the context of nutrition vs. weight control that I could look at my body objectively. I guess the take-away message is that, as strange and horrible as it feels, as exhausting and at times all consuming as it feels to do the mental work to get past it, it's not forever, it does pass and it can be overcome. Then you get to enjoy all the great aspects of your life - which will be just that much better without the food/body image issues. Just keep hanging in there. |
Hiya love,
Thanks for the compliments and the encouragement! You're entirely right in that forums such as these make you continually compare yourself to others as you would in any kind of group situation. I suppose I just need to change my outlook from being discouraged to being inspired. And by the way, I'm not brilliant- I just have an embarrassing tendency to 'write academically' regardless of how personal or impersonal the material i'm writing about might be- I was a student for So long that I am still encountering great difficulty detaching myself from this 'persona', so to speak.
Yes,
body dysmorphia is one of the many negative "factors" of having an eating disorder..if anything, it exacerbates the symptoms and inhibits progress. That's why I'm trying to go with how I feel/how my clothes fit rather than my actual size and what I see in the mirror..
I think the most frustrating part of this entire ordeal is that many people will make comments to me about "not needing to worry about my weight." That's what makes me different, I suppose. I'm not obsessive about the numbers on the scale- as I've said from the beginning, i just want to feel 'at home' in my
body. I want to feel at peace with my
body. And in order to obtain this
goal, I want to rid myself of a few inches and a size- I went up and down because of the perpetual cycle of bingeing/purging- through therapy, I stopped the latter but the former still occurs on occasion and this is, obviously, what made my weight escalate. I'm at the lightest I've been since I was 15 but thats when the disorder took reign over my
body and my life. SO basically, I just want to feel comfortable with myself and to rid myself of this obsession and consuming need for food.
Its bizarre- i think I have spoken more frankly and sincerely about my disorder and my eating 'issues' more in the past 24 hours than I have through all of my therapy sessions, discussions with my two best friends and my mother. There is such a degree of consolation in anonymity... The problem with private journals is that only you read them so you are concealing your 'secrets'. While any form of artistic expression such as this should be encouraged, it is so much more beneficial to receive feedback on your entries, regardless of if your writing was venting rage or garrulous
stress-talking. To me, it gives my feelings and emotions validity- even if its just someone saying 'I know how you feel'- it makes you realize that in this big, lonely world, we are never alone. We just have to be willing to reach out.
