Becka I finally read you whole thread! I am amazed at your courage and dedication...and at your willingness to admit in front of everyone what you are going through. I commend you so much and I really look up to you. This post is giving me the strength to admit something myself.
Because of you, I can admit that I too have done the "binge and purge." There. I said it. I have NEVER in my life admitted that to ANYONE. It has been a dark secret for over 20 years. It stated when I was 14 and a model and I needed to stay super skinny. I kept my weight around 110-115 for years and I am 5'9". WAY skinny!!! That and copious amounts of cocaine. I really didn't FEEL like eating. My natural lifestyle thereafter has made it easier to eat better, especially in NYC, but since I have been working in LA, and I get taken to business dinners frequently, I have resorted to it again. I have not thown up in months, but when I was at my heaviest, around the holidays, I would eat these HUGE meals with clients, drink a lot of water, then excuse myself to the bathroom. I had it down to a science so that nobody would hear, I could control the amount I eliminated at once so that it would not hurt my thoat coming up from too much mass, and I assumed the water (and the quickness) would dilute any acid enough so that I would not get "burned" or hurt my tooth enamel.
Usally I would not be hungry for HOURS afterwards even though my stomach got empty. but after a while if doing this..I would immediately be ready for more food.
it started out just as a way to be able to eat normal meals people were buying me (I usually eat smaller meals alone.) I didn't want to seem ungracious and sometime I would have back to back meetings all day and I could just not EAT all that food. It began just as a way to be able to physiclly EAT all those social meals. Also about 10 years ago I would employ it if I "double booked" dates with 2 different men on the same night. You know NYC...sometimes you gotta do that...I would empty my stomach so that I could have another dinner with someone else later.
This sounds crazy...yes I know. I'm fully aware of that. But once I got a boyfriend, and he turned into a fiancé, and we stared eating together all the time, and eating ENGLISH food at that...I started packing on the
pounds.
When firstI started trying to lose weight, I started throwing up since I already knew that I could, to try to control my eating. I didn't know what else to do. As a person in her mid 30's who has never had the need to manage weight issues, I suddenly found myself overweight and had no idea how it happened or what to do about it. The concept of a
diet or lifestyle change was just beyonf my comprehension.
I did what you did. I became the google master, which ultimately led me to the meal plan I'm on now.
people here keep commending me for my spirit and my attitude, but really..I don't know what I'm doing and I'm only "fired up" and successful because I'm just beginning something new and we all know how great toys are on Christmas morning!!! Can I keep it up? I just don't know. Can I manage a LIFETIME of watching my weight and controling it after a lifetime of not really thinking about it? I JUST DON'T KNOW. I feel like my attitude right now is not truly indicative of what kind of personality I REALLY have and I feel like a phony or an actress. "The dedicated dieter." Maybe I have to fool myself too. I have only been trying for 2 weeks. So I HOPE I can do it. That's why I'm here. I need witnesses to keep me in line.
Your post made me cry and I'm very glad I read it. you made me admot some hard things to myself and the world.
Thank you.
