This morning I weighed myself I had been hoping that the two days of light meals I had to go through before my colonsoscopy would result in some
weight loss and phew! it did, I am down to 72.8. That is 0.8 kg higher than the top limit I permitted myself to reach over the last three years before I reacted. At my lowest weight 68kg, I dreamt of making 70kg the danger signal limit but in fact I quickly found that 72 was where I settled easily. So you can see that in my terms the nausea making drinking of 4 litres of glycoprop in 3 hours, the forced clean out of the colon, and the anaesthetic was worth it.
The gastroenterologist said the inside of my bowel and tummy look just normal and I only now need to wait for biopsy results. Niggling worries about the presence of bowel cancer and villi damage, both possible consequences of being a coeliac who is not 100% perfect in her
diet. I blissed out with a bowl of comforting curry for tea but when I found myself eating two biscuits I realised I was too tired or dopey from the procedure to be safe to myself and actually went to bed before damaging my self esteem even further.
Today I went to the
gym and worked hard enough to break out in a sweat..that is truly a fantastic feeling to know I am doing something I consider strong determined athletic people do; not people like me. Weak! Flabby! How can a person have two such contradictory views of themselves at the same time. I looked at myself in step
aerobics Monday morning and saw that I could work as hard as the fit 40 year olds and feel strong and not too puffed, I kept going for a half hour extra in the walk
aerobics class with friends and women of my age and was still working hard. Yeah, ok, I felt proud of myself and my achievements but the minute I cannot force my
body to do 5 minutes of really fast running on the
treadmill (and I just can’t force myself over the pain) I feel weak again.
I’ve got a flabby tummy and floppy arms and rolls of
fat like everyone who is overweight and when I weigh 70, 71 or 72.0 kg they are still there (if a bit smaller) and yet I can feel smart and good-looking.
Moods, moods, moods; is that why I can think two contradictory things about myself in the same minute. I am a pessimist and a perfectionist and unable to protect myself from hurt and when I am feeling bad I try to lose myself in food, in books and these days even in computer games!!!!!!!!!! What a confession!!!
