Hello all. I have decided to start a journal here to record thoughts and feelings regaring this journey/ lifestyle overhaul I have been undertaking in 2008.
My name is Brian, I am 33 live in the far western suburbs of Chicago. I am 6'4 tall and currently weigh 231 lbs. On 1/1/08 I was at my highest weight ever at 265. I will be married for 9 years 4/24 and have no children. My wife and I have been trying to have kids for over 4 years now and are in our 3rd year of full on infertility treatments- it is depressing but necessary.
I have always been big. I am one of those people who is always one of the biggest people in the room- and I like it. I really cannot explain it, unless you are big you will not understand. I however was always weak for my size. I never did any weight lifting of any consequesce but i looked ok and was strong enough to get by.
I looked in the mirror around Thankgiving '07 and decided that this was enough. I decided that in 2008 I was going to make some changes. I joined a
gym on 12/23 '07 and started going after the holidays. I quit smoking on 1/9/08 after 18 years, I went to the doctor for the first time in 8 years and had my cholesteral and blood sugar checked. Luckily this all came back normal but for the first time in my life I was called
fat. Oh, he did it in "doctor speak" but he called me
fat. From that day on 1/17/08 a full lifestyle change has been begun in my house.
No fast food of any kind has been ordered/eaten. Bad food was thrown out and replaced by good food. Exercise was now planned and charted,
calories were counted, meals planned. Sustainable changes in menu and eating happened. I keep my self at around 2600
calories a day. I do not count carbs, fats or really anything but
calories. I know what I am eating and read the lables on everything. I now know what goes into my
body.
My workouts have changed dramatically. I now work out for a purpose, not just to work out. I am doing
cardio- I find I really like
cardio- almost everyday. I feel I need to since all the smoking for all the years. I used to be quite the athlete- basketball and volleyball- and would love to get back into leagues that I gave up when i couldn't keep up anymore. WT is now total
body with the
goal of building strength and maintaing muscle mass.
The problem is that I will always be the
fat guy. Always. I cannot shake the mindset. I still am embarrassed in the
gym when I get on the
treadmill or arc trainer. I do not think I am in good enough shape to be with other people. I am very competative by nature and judge myself vs others- stupid I know. I am still best case at average strength for my size- but I still pale in comparson to the majority of guys who frequent my
gym. Again emabarrassing- alway the
fat out of shape guy.
I never care about other people's opinions, quite frankly alot of people can just go to hell, but i do care about my own. I just wonder if I will ever see myself as anything other than the
fat guy in the room.
Sorry for the long post- But it is my diary!
