Well, this diary is back and hopefully, this will be a daily (or more?!) exercise. (no pun intended!)
I have been jumping around all over the place. After April, things in my life went a little crazy at work and I hate to say it, my focus became about that and other things and I dropped all the careful work I had done before.
According to my doctor (when I went for my six month check up) I had only gained 2
pounds, but I have to say that I think his scale is completely off. I thought the scale was off when I went there the first time and I still think those scales are off.
Anyway, it's been a time of a lot of things -- deaths in the family (yes, more than one, although the expected one still hit harder than anyone in the family expected), more denial on my part about my weight issues, and of course, I stopped taking Meridia.
After my check up, the endo insisted that I try it again, because my options are limited.
With PCOS I think most of my options are limited! It's diabetic's
diet, I think, that we really have to follow.
Anyway, I'm back to focusing on my weight-loss now because I had a moment of enlightenment when I read that book "You on a
Diet" -- I'm not a big fan of
diet books because normally they make me feel like if I had enough willpower, I would lose all the weight I need to lose and life would be perfect.
Ugh.
This was book was significantly UN-judgmental -- it even included sections on weight-loss pills and surgeries. It explained Meridia a little bit better -- the chemical changes it causes in your brain and how it stops the carbohydrate cravings (that are caused by an imbalance in hormones in the brain/stomach). Which also explains why Meridia only works for a certain amount of time -- your brain chemicals adapt.
AND the other reason I'm back is that I had joined a PCOS board in the hopes that I could find more support through people who were going through the same thing that I was. I found that it was heavily moderated for a particular viewpoint in your journal-blog posts and it really hurt my feelings when one of my journal-blog posts was deleted.
I don't see myself as controversial in any way, and I saw how heavily it was moderated that I decided that it probably wasn't the right fit for me. (And I had written less than what I write here, but in the same vein -- in other words, my thoughts and feelings about MY weight-loss journey).
I'm actually stunned how much the deletion of my journal-blog post hurt me. It was my words and they didn't insult anymore, hurt anyone, not even myself. I had discovered something interesting tonight about myself and food -- how I ate a croissant and barely noticed that I had eaten it when I realized that I *was* eating it. To me, it explained how easily it is to overeat, because if you're not focused on what you're eating, food can go in you and without notice.
It also highlighted, for me, the fact that eating certain foods can be such a HABIT and those are habits that need to be broken in order to make a lifetime change.
Anyway, the moderator wrote to me explained that my post was inappropriate and while I was encouraged to continue posting, I realized that I was in the wrong place. I can't focus only on the exercise portion of my journey, for me, it has to be a dual focus on exercise and
diet. I remember that period in time when I exercised hours and hours and did not lose a single inch or
pound. Yes, my heart was invariably healthier, my lung capacity had grown, I could climb stairs all day long and not get tired. But I was eating as many
calories as I burned. I hadn't quite understood that
diet HAS to be part of any journey, especially when you know that you overeat.
Part of my commitment to this journey is to blog about it. To make myself accountable to my actions and my decisions/choices. To be able to express more what goes on in my head and heart about this journey in order to be able to deal with all the emotions and thoughts that come with it.
I remembered I had started this journal and maybe because this forum casts a little wider net, I fit here better.
Maybe I'll speak more to this later. I'm still stunned and hurt. I don't need to be liked, but I am just not used to such heavy moderating.
Anyway, back to my weight-loss journey:
Calories today: 1845
Exercise: 30 minutes, walking
I'm currently taking vitamins, eating a relatively low-carb
diet (whole grains, rather than simple carbs), lean meats. My daily goals (as you'll see in this journal) is to keep track of what I'm eating (using an online food diary), keeping track of my exercise, and hopefully, getting the support of others who are going through this with me. Oh, and taking Meridia, of course, until it stops working. Once again, the
goal is to get good healthy habits before it wears out so that I'm used to eating lower carbs (and lower
calories).
Yikes, I don't know why this hurt my feelings so much... I can't stop thinking about it. At least I wasn't banned... but wow. I'm just really stunned that a blog post would get deleted so quickly and over what seems like nothing. But, it's not my board and ultimately, it just shows that it wasn't the right place me. But yeah... I'm just stunned.
