The original poster didn't say he called her fat. She said he told her she needed to lose weight.

__________________

Oops, my bad...I misread, sorry.

However hee told her she needed to lose weight, same difference....just with a hidden tone.

__________________
S/C/G: 199/130/125
Height: 5'3

The issue is that the boyfriend insisted that she needs to lose weight when she doesn't even agree.

__________________

If you're in a serious relationship, your partner should be able to point out things that he feels you should change. Now of course there are better ways than others in terms of doing it. If he's an ass about it, then of course he's wrong, but if he feels like you'd be happier or healthier by losing some weight, then it's entirely in his right as your partner to let you know. I wouldn't lose too much sleep over it. And I absolutely don't think dumping him will sove any of your problems. Just take some time to reflect, watch what you eat, move some more and ajust accordingly.

__________________
[url=http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wFuE4oc/]

140 doesn't sound that high of a weight unless you're under 4'11'' lol.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend. Sometimes guys just don't 'get it' and may honestly have no clue he's seriously hurting your feelings! Sometimes my boyfriend will say something a little unsettling to me, and I let him know it! Even if they are just small things, they need to be nipped in the bud. If you talk to him and let him know it's a sensitive issue maybe he will be more helpful and less of an order-barker.

I think you need to have a talk with your mom too. Let her know weight isn't everything and she should be proud of you for who you are. She should help you out as much as she can, too.

And please take that half of a cucumber and add it to a salad at least!

-N-

__________________

It comes down to the way it was said.

Good = "honey, you've been making comments that you're unhappy with your weight. I would like to help you lose it so you can be happier."

Bad = "wow, you're looking fat lately. You really have to lose some weight."

As for being called fat: I've been fat my entire life and couldn't lose weight until last September. One of the things that helped me start was looking myself in the mirror and saying, "Ok, I'm fat. I've neglected this facet of my life. It's not attractive or healthy. Own it, it doesn't mean you're a bad person."

Granted my situation was a lot different from yours. I weighed 342lbs when I started (down 93lbs so far), which is a lot different than wanting to lose 20 pounds. "Fat" is a word that is subjective. Don't let it be used as a weapon against you because it's just a word.

ugh my dad has something against overweight people (even though he could lose a couple pounds himself!) and he's been hard to live with.. cause my mom's overweight too.. and he used to say things like "get off your fat butt" and make jokes about me and my moms weight.. finally I just broke down crying one time and now he TRIES to shut his mouth but he just can't help it. He talks about strangers too... people he sees on the street and that's hurtful to me... like those are complete strangers.. so what does he think about us? so anyway.. I've felt the same way you do after my dad has said stuff like that.. as your boyfriend has.. it's like... "I don't want to try to lose weight just because he says I should" but then again.. it hurts so bad.. you want to lose the weight..

anyway I'm blabbing about myself.... --- boyfriends aren't supposed to be personal trainers.. he shouldn't have said that to you..

__________________

Ah, I've got to kind of disagree with almost everyone here. When I "sign up" to be in a relationship with someone, I "sign up" for that person at their current weight, not 20lbs or 100lbs heavier. Sometimes, in relationships I feel like partners need to draw the line when it comes to weight (or more accurately, gross negligence when it comes to their own body).

I broke up with someone once because she basically refused to work out with me to help her weight problem and she was probably only overweight by 30lbs. As humans, we are free to choose what we find attractive and have no obligation to stay with someone that has become unattractive over time because of their out of control eating or lack of exercise- actions they can control. When I become not physically attracted to my girlfriend, then she is just my friend, not a sexual partner.

Boyfriends are supposed to be attracted to you, and if you decide to take part in practices that make you unattractive (no matter how high his standards are), I say thats grounds for breaking up. It works the other way around as well- not just talking about boyfriends.

I know I have some weird views about this, but let me say, if I had a girlfriend that demanded I lose weight, I would lose the weight if I wanted to stay in a relationship. If you can't meet your boyfriend/girlfriend's expectations of how you should look, then you aren't a good match for each other.

Let me say this as well- I would never date someone that I thought was unattractive because they were overweight, no matter how much I liked their personality. Appearance and personality are two parts of the package and both matter. One doesn't trump the other. P.S. I'm not talking about marriage or anything here, just dating.

Ok, I probably just made some enemies here. Please, no one take this personally, my views don't represent all men's views. I also don't think it makes me a bad or shallow person to have this perspective.

__________________

There is some validity to your opinion....if you've always kept yourself in top form. But according to your ticker you also allowed yourself to get overweight so isn't it a bit hypocritical to dump a girlfriend over 30 pounds when you're carrying an extra 50?

Thankfully my BF loved me through my weight gain and patiently waited for me to find the inner strength to take it back off. He certainly likes the way I look more now....but he still loved me with the extra weight.

__________________

Good point, but the girlfriend in question didn't have a problem with my weight, or at least it didn't affect how she was attracted to me. If it did affect how she was attracted to me, then I would hold myself under the exact same standards that I held her to. The real problem was that she refused to be any part of a "joint" bettering of ourselves when I didn't like the way either of us looked.

The point is that no one should "settle" for someone lower than their standards as far as looks go. Everyone has the right to maintain whatever standards they choose, no matter how high or low; and no matter how they look themselves as long as their partner reciprocates a relative congruent attraction.

__________________

Human attraction is a funny thing. It's mysterious to me what attracts a couple together, and what keeps them together through the years. It seems to be a combination of mutual interests, personality compatibility (or lack thereof - some people LIKE to fight with their s/o), pheromones, and attraction to how a person looks.

I find that a balanced person is the most attractive to me. I tend to like guys who take good care of themselves more than guys who slug back a whole pizza and 6-pack of beer and sit on the couch all day, whether or not it has an effect on their weight (some people have crazy metabolisms). I guess, however, that I don't have a "type." I'm the kind of woman who's always met a guy and fallen in love with them, over time, after getting to know them. Usually when I get comfortable with a person, I don't even think about how they're looking, I just want them around me. Of course if I am with someone who I love and they stop taking care of themselves, I get concerned and want to help them change back to better habits, but not because I no longer want to have sex with them. See, when you truly care about and LOVE someone, all of them, not just their looks, you approach it more from a standpoint of wanting them to be around on the planet longer to keep spending time with you. Also, if they were once vibrant, active, and fun, and then become a couch potato, you want that part of their personality (the vibrance) to come back, because that's part of what made you fall in love. My partner and I have both let ourselves go at one point or another over the 5-odd years we've been together. That didn't make us want to stop making love, but it did make us want to become healthier so that it would be more fun and easy to do so.

I don't want to condescend, but love is very different from simple looks attraction. Love makes some allowances for slip-ups because it realizes that people are inherantly flawed. It also allows for both people to be open enough to communicate in a compassionate way so that those bad habits can be corrected and replaced with good ones.

__________________
[/SIGPIC]

you really got to lose weight for only one person, YOU. Once you diet is to lose weight for someone else, thats when its set up for failure. Its The wrong kinda of Idea.

Good point, studied.screams...that's one thing I forgot to mention. If someone feels they are being coerced into losing weight (even if they really need to or should), and aren't quite ready to do it for them, they'll resent their loved one telling them to do so.

__________________
[/SIGPIC]

This is just my personal opinion, but if my boyfriend issued me the ultimatum to work out with him or break up, I would kick his ass to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what hit him. There are ways to address a problem and ways not to address a problem. This sounds like one of the latter. Ultimatums are relationship suicide.

It probably did affect the way she was attracted to you, she just wasn't cruel enough to say anything about it to your face.

I agree. But I think that trying to force your standards on someone who doesn't match them to begin with is petty. Especially since your standards obviously shifted. So far your story sounds like: I was fat, she was fat, I lost weight, she refused to follow suit, I broke up with her. (Correct me if I'm wrong. That's just how it comes off.)

I don't think it makes you a bad person. But especially considering that you had your own weight problems in the past, I do think it make you a little shallow.

I do agree with you as far as attractiveness goes though. I'm much more attracted to fit men than overweight men, and I think that's true for the general female population (for the most part).

If you are not sexually attracted to someone, you shouldn't stay with them. But I don't think you should try to force them to fit your standard for physical beauty either. Not if you ever loved them for anything else other than their looks to begin with.

Anyway, I'm not dogging you for your standards. I have high standards too. I just think breaking up with someone over 20 or 30 pounds is a little extreme.

__________________

hi, im new over here and i have just read your post and to be frank i am also fat and tired to be, that's why i have started some treatment and this treatment is a medicine that i take everyday before and after my exercise, i had found this product when i was surfing the web and i ordered it and you know it works really well with with, its name is acomplia and it is found at : you can also have some information about it and maybe order it. i hope that i have been helpful to you all...