I don't know about eloquent, but thanks for the compliment...I completely agree with the why bother view, if I decide to treat myself I carefully plan that out and make sure I account for it with the remainer of my meals for the day or week, depending on what I ate (Easter involved pastries from Isgros, that was a whole week of accounting, hehe). I am not going to blow my plan just on a whim (this being said while I am struggling with this at this very moment) for some shit that someone else will feel better about if I just stuff it down my throat.

I did that sort of crap for YEARS and it got me nowhere except huge. With some people you can't win excpet by showing them up and proving them wrong.

You are doing that magnificently, dear.

Why thank you... see, what i do now is guesstimate Chickie's and Pete's food because I like actually putting it into my daily plan. I figure when I eat there, it is about 1400 or so calories:

3-4 four slices of pizza (14 inch pie but super thin crust, so about 200-250 calories a slice) ~ 800-1000 calories. Split an order of crab fries (~250 calories) and half of a small roast beef sandwich (~250 more). This gets me usually to 1250 - 1500 cals, but I have NO clue, it's all a guesstimate (taken from other sources I have but can never really know). But if I can go to someones house and actually calculate, why wouldn't I?!?!!

You are probably going to yell at me but I have never been to Chickie and Petes (eek) but it sounds yummy!

You are absolutely correct ~ if you have the option to know what you are eating, why would you no do that? It all comes down to other people's discomfort with what you are doing and their general inability to deal.

Some people you just can't help - the other day my mother looked at me and said, if you get a tummy tuck what are you going to do to make sure you don't gain all the weight back again?

Um...I don't know MAYBE THE SAME THING I DID TO LOSE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE????

You can't do anything about those people in your life except ignore them.

Much love and happy Monday to my virtual family! I've missed you guys over the weekend. It feels good to be back and seeing you.

On the subject of food and guesstimating, I went to a pizza bar last night, and pleasently suprised myself with how little pizza I actually ate. For some reason, I was craving salad yesterday and ate like a rabbit instead of a glutton. Which, might I add, isn't a bad thing given my food plan. I had some baked chicken without the skin as well. I always guesstimate a piece of pizza to be anywhere from 150 to 330 cals depending how large and what's on it. It's why I always pick the thin crust/less topping ones. That being said, I did a really good job yestereday. I was proud of myself. I probobly left eating less then 700 cals. All in all, it was a good dinner at the Pizza Ranch.

Also, Keith, I've got a question for you hon, it is better to use Cocoa Butter Creme or Cocoa Butter Lotion. I couldn't figure it out at the store yesterday. I was going to pick up some, but didn't know what kind to get. I suppose the ones advertising themselves for the use of stretch marks would probably be the most beneficial. Haha. Anyways, I wanted to get your opinion.

I hope you guys are doing awesome today! (((Big Hugs)))

Hey!!!

Missed you too ~ congrats on the pizza bar success...I was whining lately about my craving chocolate and other things bad for you...I am glad to see you resisted.

Have you ever had tomato pie? It is basically thiin crust pizza w/o cheese, only a little garlic and parmeasean sprinkled on top...so yummy and less cals than regular pizza.

I don't know about the creme v lotion but logic tells me that the creme may be better as it is thicker...who knows...if we can ever dig up Keith (shame on him for actually working, hehe) he'll probably have the answer...he is smart like that

LoL... sorry, taking care of a certification teaching issue or something. I use the Creme... but your YMMV... I personally don't even know if that will work, but I hope it does

PIZZA, haven't had it in weeks. Usually have it once a week as a treat... going through withdrawal.

Pizza is the one thing that I let myself have, usually only one slice, but it makes me feel like I am having 'something'.

Keith, how many times do I have to tell you that it should be less work, more play???

Those pesky students will take care of themselves...

hehe, I'm so bad...

I know exactly what you mean my mother of allpeople says that I have lost enough weight and htat I need to stop she has even started saying that My neck is hanging and that I am looking anorexic and I am 170lbs from 220 I still think that I need to loose another 25-30 lbs and she keeps telling me to stop I really does a number on you brain

I guess that's pretty common, aye? My family is the same way... It's like, wtf?

I have one better...I am thinking about a TT after due to a lot of excess skin and my mom said to me, well what are you going to do after that to make sure you don't gain the weight back?

Um, I don't know, maybe the same thing I did to lose it in the first place?

Families are SUCH fun...

Tell me about it. My mom is the same way. She doesn't understand why I can't just *STOP* losing weight. Primarily it isn't that she thinks I'm *too* thin, it's because she doesn't like spending money on clothes I only wear for a month before they're too big. I found this out Tuesday night. She was trying to make me promise that I would maintain where I am and I told her I'd like to, but I couldn't. Needless to say, I'll be buying my own clothes from now on. I really don't have too much further to go, but I like to invest in a couple pairs of sexy, skinny jeans everytime I hit a milestone. It just makes it all feel worth it.

This being said about my family, it's friends really who tend to annoy me more. I'm always getting "What? Why are you watching your weight?" "Why on earth do you run so much?" and/or "Don't you think you're thin enough?"

I'm telling you, these people have NO IDEA what it's like, at all. They're all NATURALLY thin. I'd like to say I can understand where they're coming from, but I can't, at all, in the same ways they can't understand how their comments annoy and frustrate me.

In fact, I was thinking about all of this yesterday. You know, spectators on the street will take one look at me, and NONE of them would guess that I've lost 140 pounds and that I have weight issues. All they'll see is a size 8 chic with curly hair. They'd have NO IDEA what I'm *really* feeling and the absolute and total *hell* I went through to accomplish all I have in the past three years. I'm glad they don't have to familiarize with it, actually. I wouldn't wish weight issues on my worst enemy. If there's anything that can chop someone down to size, it's the repugnance they feel toward their own personal appearance.

I've admitted to a friend, that regardless of my current size, I have and most probably always will have issues with my self-esteem and confidence. A person who's my size naturally, who has been all of thier life, would have the self-esteem and confidence of Donald Trump, but for me, it's not so.

Recently actually, I had a situation where I broke my friend's bed, and his brother innocently jokes that I must be too fat for it. (Of course, on multiple occasions he's called me rather thin, so I *know* he's joking around) but his joke would be taken differently, internally, to a naturally thin person that it did to me. I know he didn't mean anything by it and he certainly doesn't view me as 'fat', but my past dominates how I process comments and looks. When he said it, it was completely harmless, but inside, I was honestly questioning if he *does* think I'm still overweight. After pondering it, I realized my doubt was bogus, but still...it bothered me.

I believe all of our pasts, all of our troubles and hells, royally dominate how we percieve other people to see us. I will most probably always think I'm fat. Not to the point of being aneorexic of course, but I will probably never ACCEPT that I'm as thin as I am. Why? Because I don't know what it feels like to be thin. I don't know how to process it internally. I don't know *how* to be skinny. I don't know what to *think* about being skinny and more than anything, I don't know how to reveal the innately confident side of my character. She's in there somewhere. I know she is.

Okay, sorry, diatribe over. LOL....

***2 week update***

Before that though, I love Rae's comment above: "I don't know *how* to be skinny."

Classic, thanks for sharing that and making me realize I am not alone in that battle...

So, I am currently at 179 and no changes in measurements at all, which is weird because I am not sure where that weight came from.

Well, now for the crappy news, yesterday I ate upwards of 3300 calories in one day. No exercise either (not that I would on the weekends). I mean, in the morning I was fine with 550 calories. Then I went to my girlfriend's parent's house and ate a bunch of pizza, hoagies, and cake. I OVERDID it, in the worst way, and paid dearly for it... I felt awful, I mean, my upper rib cage hurt so bad and I just felt lousy. So, I paid the price for that... I am actually happy that my body can't do that anymore (that used to be a usual occurrence for me). I have noticed though that I look leaner today than I did yesterday (I read up on it and it actually made sense, apparently I replenished my glycogen levels and this has this effect).

I now have to make a decision though, do I eat 1500 calories today to offset yesterday (in some minimal way), or do I continue with my plan of increasing until I reach maintenance (then I would go back down to a caloric deficit, I was going to give my body a break for two weeks). If that is the case, I should eat 2200 calories today instead of 2000, then 2400 next Sunday. This is all very confusing right now and there is different literature to explain different things.

I will say that I think my stomach does look leaner (still got that shelf going on) than it did before but the measuring tape says its the same. I wore a medium shirt this weekend out to the bar and I felt VERY odd in it. I felt like my stomach was bulging out despite the constant comments of how great I looked. We are our own worst critics...

Keith hon, I love reading your updates. Thanks for coming back to us, bud!

You know, I think it's common for us to feel uncomfortable in smaller clothing despite the fact that we're not bulging out of, and in fact, look rather lean, wearing it. The same goes for me. I too, wear a meduim up top, and I'm constantly pulling it away from my torso out of habit.

Besides, I'm sure you *do* look just fine in your odd feeling medium sized shirt. I am sure however, that it probably would have felt a bit tight after the food rush at your girlfriend's house. I always find my clothes fitting uncomfortably after a mammoth binge. Haha.

I hope you're having a good Monday so far, bud!

Hey guys

Rae - I totally agree, I don't know how to be skinny either, hell, I don't even see myself that way and am constantly getting yelled at because of it.

I think that if you were/are really heavy the adjustment time to see your new self is fairly long partly because being heavy just isn't about your weight. It is almost a state of mind.

I am wearing XL shirts now which is not unchartered territory for me, but I think if I ever get down to a L, I will be freaked out.

I feel the same way when I overeat, like, why did I do that - I feel like hell now. It is good to know that our bodies, if not our minds, do not like the crap.

Yep I am doing the "shirt pull" all the time. Old habits die hard.

I am glad my body hated me for that... it was very reassuring that I have actually chosen a healthy life style. It isn't like when you eat crap all the time and then go eat something healthy and you're body ACHES... so eating crap food in a healthy lifestyle is obviously going to affect me, and I am glad for that mechanism.

I have decided even after my binge that I am going to go to 2200 calories today. Which is going to be interesting considering I've never gotten this high with calories before. I think I will need to take in more almonds (easy 160 calories at a pop, with some good fats in it). Larger portions of chicken for dinner, and perhaps sneak in a subway sandwich during the baseball game after school. This should be interesting... oh, no working out today due to a slight cold.