So I've always obsessed about weight and my body-- since I was in 4th grade in fact. I'm scheduling an appointment with a therapist at the top of August to start delving into the real issues about me and my body image. I need to feel like the frustration, yo-yo dieting, obsession with food, depression and consequential pressure on my relationships isn't singular. I need to start working towards being healthier.

So here I am- I started the SB diet about a month ago at 210 lbs and got down to 202... I'm now at 204.5 and am starting a new plan. I'm going to do 5 meals a day, lots of water, 1100-1200 calories and working out. In about a week I'm slowly going to wean myself back into vegan-eating (since I LOVE eating vegan). That's the only way I've ever been successful at losing weight. I've tried so many diets, and have learned a lot through all of them but have ultimately been unsuccessful in the long-term.

I'm starting to realize that I might have an ED-NOS, but I'm not sure. Something is wrong with me though, and I've struggled with it for long enough. I'm turning 20 in a month and I don't want this obsession and struggle to continue. I want to a) resolve issues with myself,b) learn to like who I am regardless of dress size and c) get down to a comfortable weight.

I've lost almost 20lbs this past year, but I have a long ways to go. My first goal is 188lbs (10% loss). I've never weighed less that 180, so I'll see what my ideal weight is when I get to it. I'm thinking 165-175lbs. Here are my stats:

Height: 5'9"
CW: 204.5
SW: 209
HW: 230
GW1: 188

Now onto the pictures of my struggle, which I'll update once I hit the 10%.


Me now, around 203-210 lbs:



Me at 220lbs a year ago (Jesus....):


Me at 191lbs (almost three years ago):


Me at my lowest weight ever, around 185lbs:




That's that. Here we go!! Wish me luck, and I'll see you all back when I'm at 188lbs!!

You dont look that overly hugely fat, you must be either tall or darned lucky!
To be honest it sounds like you are looking for excuses to be fat and having eating disorders etc. You keep doing these 'all or nothing' stupid diets that you cant stick with and then beat yourself up when you cant stick to them.

Ever tried just eating a little bit differently and cutting out things slowly here and there or swapping things for lower calorie versions? its a plan for life, its not a 'diet' . Otherwise you are just going to re-gain the weight again as soon as you go off it.

Then you repeat the whole putting yourself down because you suck and you fail etc and cant control eating because you binge because you denied yourself so much, and then you regain, and then jump onto another silly hard out diet you cant stick with. Eventually talking yourself into having some (imaginary?) eating disorder.

Sorry if i come across nasty, btw, that wasnt my intention

Oh no, that doesn't sound shitty at all and I thank you for your input!!

And I agree with everything you're saying up until the imaginary eating disorder part; I've denied having a problem with depression and eating for a long time, and finally I'm learning that what I'm experiencing isn't typical or normal. People have told me to, "snap out of it" since I was young, and I've always felt like it was consequently a moral dilemma-- a lack of motivation or willpower, if you will, when really it's a mental issue and a disease.

Looking through my journals and diaries throughout grade school until now, ALL I've ever thought about was weight and losing it-- no matter what weight I actually was. I stopped looking in the mirror for 6 months at one point, didn't go to my high school prom, wore nothing but skirts for four years because my father called me fat once.... So, it's been controlling my life to the point where I can't function anymore and all I want to do is hide in bed. This is something I've been dealing with for 20 years, and I'm finally accepting the fact that I should get help for it.

You know, I think that wishes is right here. And I know because she described me PERFECTLY!! I started obsessing about my weight when I was like 12 or something. I can remember being on this 7 day soup diet that you were supposed to lose 10-17 lbs on (A diet I recently did again as a DETOX.. with not much intention to lose weight). I didn't complete the diet and then I would binge eat all the foods I craved and couldn't have. Then I went on the Zone diet when I was 17. I lost 15 lbs and then I started to feel deprived of the foods I was craving and I caved and I ate everything in site for about a month and put it all back on and more. I've tried other strict diets I've made up before and I would, again, crack down at some point and binge eat. I thought I had a disorder and went to the point of looking it up on the internet and diagnosing myself with compulsive overeating disorder. I stopped working out, and I gave up and just accepted that I had an eating disorder. Four months ago I started working out again, and I did actually become a vegetarian (I eat only fish and ORGANIC lean meat). I don't limit myself very much and if I crave something, I just have a taste. I find that I never binge eat now because I don't restrict myself. On the weekends, I treat myself to some of the foods I crave, but smaller portions and healthier versions (whole wheat veggie pizza instead of white crust 3 meat).

I strongly recommend you just stick to about 1500 calories a day, and begin to workout, and don't really restrict yourself to the point where you go insane, and you WILL see the weight come off. I can make a soletary promise to you that it will come off with determination and willpower. Want to become a veggie? go ahead, but dont restrict yourself from eggs, cheese, milk, and everything. Those things are way too necessary for you.

Just a suggestion... you can do what you want though

Have an awesome day and I look forward to keeping up with your journey.

Oh, do you have a diary on here????

P.S. You have such a beautiful face I love love love it!!

The 1st time I started being obsessed with my weight was in the 2nd grade. I remember working out to my mothers buns of steel videos..I know some of you remember those..I remember begging my mother to send me to fat camp and all said said was "you need to see a shrink" and she never took me. I have been overweight my whole life except for 2 years when I stopped eating,purged, and took laxitives. Im sure alot of people on here have similar stories to you. This is the 1st time in my life that I have lost weight the healthy way. It feels good knowing I am doing it without having to binge and purge or starve myself. I did the vegan thing. I did the raw foods diet thing.. I did the fat smash diet for a while, Atkins, weight watchers, I juiced for a while with my jack la lanne power juicer as well. Im not on a diet. I changed my lifestyle.Now I just eat smaller portions of the things I want. Nothing is taboo. If I want a cookie I eat half and it satisfys me. If its taboo and I'd eat it I would beat myself up. Dont beat yourself up. And way to go on the 20lbs weightloss! You can do this! Good Luck!

ps I think you look pretty hot at 220. Im 215 and I dont look that good.

OMG you just totally reminded me of doing those buns of steel tapes when I was younger too!!!

well if you indeed believe you have a serious eating disorder, then perhaps you need to be seeing a shrink instead of being on a weight loss forum

And believe me, its easier to make up some imaginary something wrong, than to work at loosing weight! I would do it and i see it ALL the time. Its amazing how many imaginary illness apparently prevent weight loss!

what height are you cos im 211 and you look so much slimmer than me- so not fair

EDIT - soz you said 5 9, im 4.11 so thats why i look like a hefer and u dont

I think that's why she said she already has an appointment schedule with a therapist!

Hi there! You are such a pretty gal to start with - you will be an absolute knock out as you approach your goals!

You will find out what works for you, eventually. For myself I cannot do things that are too restrictive (giving up all carbs, etc) because I end up binging to beat the band! I just eat less of the things that I know are high calorie and try to fill up on fruit/veg/LF yogurt/1% cottage cheese, etc. If I want chocolate, I have it - but I don't eat as much of it as I would have previously. I have half a bar and give the rest to my hubby!

As for a possible eating disorder, I think weight loss has to occur in the mind before it can be truly possible to maintain it. Do the practical stuff - monitor calories and get lots of exercise - but it also never hurts to do some introspection, too! I just read a great book called GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY. It was very interesting and practical!

I wish you success on your journey. I think you'll find that as you deal with your weight and/or emotional issues, the others will be easier!

ABBA

Gosh your a bombshell now i'm afraid how amazing you'll look after you hit your goal weight. !

your going to be looking nice when reach your goal. good job.

Hello,
Just wanted to put in my 2 cents: I think it is a great that you go talk to a therapist and I certainly love the idea of learning to accept/be okay with yourself no matter what size you are . . .I think this is something alot of people could really benefit from. I think that as women (epecially in this culture) we are constantly having the idea reinforced that our weight and our self-worth are intrisically connected. They absolutely are NOT. (I am still desperately trying to learn this).

That said, if you want to lose weight try to do it sanely and with some perspective on your former issues. Don't eat 1100 or 1200 calories a day. You most likely will not be able to sustain this long term and will end up binging and continuing the yoyo-ing you are so used to. If you do binge or eat something "bad" don't freak out and throw everything out the window. . .maybe look into Intuitive Eating. Exercise but don't go nuts.

Just some unsolicited advice. Good luck!