The hardest thing is 'fessing up. Once you take away the secretive nature of binges, they sort of evaporate. I used to have this problem, I guess maybe now I could call myself a "recovering binger" since maybe it never really goes away if you let your guard down. I have solved it, for my purposes, but I always need to be vigilant. I promised myself and my friends that I would always be open about everything I eat. I don't allow myself lie to me, my journal or my friends, and I try not to eat alone EVER. It's tough because I'm so busy, but I find that if I make it a point to bring attention to what I'm eating it helps keep me in control (just eating in front of someone I know, not necessarily with them). It was really hard for me to just confess though when I overate. I wouldn't want to put it in my journal because I thought it would just sit there staring at me making me hate myself. I did have to get past that, but once I decided that the world wouldn't end if I reported EVERYTHING that entered my mouth even if it was terrible, then it wasn't so scary. That really got me under control. Sometimes I go over my planned calorie allotment, but I budget those calories, and I always tell someone AND I always put it in my food log. If I have to eat by myself, I call my boyfriend or my best friend beforehand and say, "I'm going to eat this now." The best friend knows exactly why I do this. The boyfriend just thinks I want to talk to him, which is fine too. Maybe this will help someone. I don't know what it was exactly, maybe exasperation, that made me finally decide to just not eat in secret anymore, but that was the trick, and I really feel like I'm in control. I do have to consciously talk myself out of being overtaken by the siren song of pastries. I have a sweet tooth. But I have been able to resist buying them in the first place, so I don't have to resist eating more than one portion (I'm not sure I could do that yet).

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If you don't move, neither will the scale.
H=6'2"
CW=204
minigoal=198
goal=189 (we'll see how that feels when I get there)

At 12 I began to think I was fat. I soon started dieting and became bulimic at 14 after watching a video on it in school. I soon decided it would be better not to eat at all. I partied alot as a teen, often only getting my calories from beer. Sometimes I'd ease up a bit, gain weight and starve it back off. It wasn't uncommon for me to be 140lbs one month, 120lbs the next and 140lbs the month after that. When I got pregnant with DD1, I was 112lbs. I still thought I was disgustingly fat and swore I could feel fat bubble under my skin if I ate. I gained 20lbs in the first 3 months as I knew I needed to eat for my baby. I was 130lbs after her while I nursed. After I weaned, I started dieting again...or rather, stopped eating again. I got down to 119lbs when I got pregnant. I was 147lbs while nursing him. I got pregnant 2 weeks after I weaned him and got morning sickness, bringing me down to 135lbs. Within a week of her birth, I was down to 140lbs. From there it slowly creeped up. I think I was only 143lbs when I joined here. Then I flopped between 145-148 and took a break. Now I'm 154.4lbs, my heaviest non pregnant weight.

I can't stop eating. I graze all day long. My meals are fairly healthy, it's everything else. I eat all my kids left overs, eat the crusts I cut of their bread, cookies and crackers, ice cream and candy. DH brings home a couple loaves of italian bread every other day. We often go out pr he'll bring me home a sugar and fat ladden drink from the coffee shop, with tim bits for the kids. Guess who eat them? When we go to a buffett, look out! It would be rare for me to eat less than 4 plates of food, 2 plates of desserts and shove some in my purse. When I stop to but milk or something, I often get a tub of ice cream and chocolate. I eat the chocolate right away and the ice cream once everyone's in bed so they dont see me. I hide food so no one else will get in and I dispose of wrappers so no one will see. I often eat until I feel like I'll be sick. Sometimes it gives me a headache, but nothing stops me. If I bake 2 dozen cookies, they are gone in a day.

I hate being so weak. I could go for days, now it would be rare that I didn't eat at least a bite of something if I'm home for 1/2 an hour.

PUT THE FORK DOWN!- Brian's advice to Meg on family guy is what i should heed.

Where's the happy medium? Where's the middle ground between starving and stuffing?

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Sara, first off I'd like to say you are so brave for admitting these things. It sounds like I could of written it. I, too, binge/sneak eat. I work split shift, so I don't get a chance to eat untill I come home at 9 am, but not without 2 biscuits from McDonalds. Along with coffee with creamer and sugar #2. And here I would sit, in my chatroom untill lunchtime at 12, which consisted of say pizza rolls or french bread pizza or something like that. At the grocery store, I always picked up a bag of chocolates for my "snacks". It would last a day. After my afternoon shift, I would come back to this computer and snack on half bag of chips and dip before dinner, which would NOT be healthy. And I would sample it before I ate so it wouldnt look like I ate so much in front of my family. Before bed, I would sit here again and sneak snack on those chocolate bars. When I was done, I would go read in bed and maybe eat one or two quietly so he wouldnt wake up. The wrappers I would put in my purse to throw out the next day at work so they wouldnt be seen in our garbage. During each night I would feel I was going to vomit from eating so much, but come next day, I'd do it again. Only after bitching I cant fit in any of my pants. I no longer have sex with my poor husband. He is so good to me, I am just ashamed of myself. I just cant do it, not even in the dark. I wonder if this is common? My breaking point to start my diet when one morning I ate 2 of those McGriddles and felt like I was going to throw up all day. I still don't want to think of them. My bad eating habits have turned my 15 year old son into a 175 lb boy who is getting boobs now. I hope my new habits I am introducing in the house will benefit him also. PS- I hate myself. And that's my story.

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This is my next goal-Yeah, ONEDERLAND!!!!!!!!!

Oh Beachcomer(((HUGS))) I use to hate myself so much. I think I've upgraded to just not liking myself. I get embarrassed if DH sees me naked. Isn't it strange that we gorge while on a weight loss site?

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Depriving oneself, I feel can be a big instigator to binging. I know that when I withhold myself from having certain foods, I will dive into them the minute I permit myself to have them and over-eat those foods. A whole pizza to ones self? a whole container of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I feel like crap later, and kick myself that I ate those things.. and so much of them. And yet those memories sort of fade the next time I binge.. I forget how my body cried out from stuffing it with disgusting foods and excessive amounts.. How quickly we can forget... Ahh.. one step at a time, one day at a time.

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"I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more."

My binge ponderments for the day:

Since we're discussing not liking our bodies or thinking we look fat, I'll share my discovery this morning. I was getting in the shower and took a look at my naked self. It occurred to me, I LIKE myself naked. I DON'T look so bad. I like my curves and my some what flat waist line. I like my hourglass shape. I like my breasts may they not be as perky as some. And when I'm with Sid and undressed, I feel like the most beautiful woman.

Then I got dressed. And I hate clothes. I don't like how they look on me. I don't like the fact that the minute anything feels as though it fits a bit differently, my self esteem plummets. I don't like to be bound by them and how they appear on my body. I don't have the typical body that clothing styles and designs are modeled after. Oh wait.. NO ONE does!

All the same.. I need to remember that moment before I hopped in the shower this morning, where I liked me for just how I was. I also know that eating a scone from Starbucks or day dreaming about my dinner at Quizzno's is not going to help those clothes fit any better. So.. I need to love me in these clothes, that is until I move to a nudist colony!

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"I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more."

Awesome for feeling good before the shower!!! I hate clothes too. I''m struggling that I've moved from a 3 to a 13 and the 13 is getting tight.

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You'll get there Sara, its just tough I know! And I can completely relate to your binging story. Its so hard... Alas We WILL get there.

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"I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more."

Sara, thanks so much for letting me know that I'm not alone with hating myself because of this weight.

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This is my next goal-Yeah, ONEDERLAND!!!!!!!!!

Yw (((hugs)))

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Wow, that definition of a binger sounds exactly like me. I try and blame it on boredom or whatever, but I am CONSTANTLY thinking about what I'm going to eat next. Some days I barely eat anything, others I eat all day long. And I don't just eat a little of something. I don't eat macaroni and cheese unless I feel like eating then I can eat the whole box, and normally do. I order pizza everyonce in a while when hubby is not home and I can eat the whole thing. I know I have a problem but don't know how to stop it. I hate thinking about food all day.

I spen tmy weekend, constantly thinking about food, or sleeping. Not a good thing. But I am feeling in control today. No scratch that. I AM in control today. I WILL think positively. I need to remind my fiance to keep me in check this week. I brushed him off all weekend, but obviously I have a problem. He is slowly realizing how big the issue is. Wish me luck... We will kick this eating disorder!!

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"I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more."

Hi everybody!!

I am a very fresh Newbie to this site, and right after I joined (like an hour ago), I proceeded to eat two carrot muffins, a piece of chocolate, and three spoonfuls of cookie dough (of course right after I went for a nice walk and had a healthy turkey sandwich for lunch, very ironic).

But then I stopped!!! Even though I have lots of chocolate and cookie dough left, I stopped!! Small steps!!

PS NewLeaf, I once read that the best way to accept your body is to dance around naked with the music full blast! It sounds like you’re on the right track!! Don’t worry, we’ll stick together and those clothes will start fitting like they should!!

Take care,

Lauren :-)

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Hey Lauren, Welcome!! I could of written your little snippit about eating food like that. Its like having ice cream after a work out.. oh that doesn't defeat the purpose at all. lol!!

So baby steps it is. Day #2 of being IN control! My weight fluctuated back up, significantly.. I am in denial and not changing my ticker. But as I kindly reminded another struggling member, I am reminding myself to focus on the good things in my life. That my weight does not define me. And I will get beyond this. I will not throw my hands up and give up. Its simply an excuse.

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"I feel that the greatest reward for doing is the opportunity to do more."

Hi Newleaf!!

I really like your signature, "Food does not control me. I will eat to live!" That's going to be my new motto I think!!

So I feel off the wagon of day #1 yesterday... Last night I finished off the cookie dough with some cheesecake... But that's ok, now all the junk food in my house is gone and I am determined not to buy anything but healthy food!! Goodbye evil temptations!!!

Day #2 has been good, had some special k and raison bran cereal with 1% milk, and I'm nice and full!! Hopefully I'll stay that way till lunch!!

Talk to you later!!

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