I'm so sorry to hear how you are feeling Cate. Please remember that you have come through similar feelings and emotions before, some of them quite recently. You have been through a lot personally and then with the program on top of it all you have to expect some emotional ups and downs. Just keep working through them, please dont give up on yourself. You are a very strong and amazing person, it's just that part of you is a little lost right now. Maybe write how your feeling down away from the forum just to get it out there. Writing it into a book or journal you have at home may help you identify some things that aren't helping you to move through the process as well as you are expecting yourself too. Even if you write yourself a letter about how you are feeling and what outcomes you would like and then re-read it, rip it up and burn it to release the negative energy in it. It may sound weird or a bit hocus pocus-ey but it's something I do often when I just cant seem to gather my thoughts or actually see where I am going in life. Sometimes it's just a whole lot of words, not even sentences.

Please know that during an up or a down or an inbetween I will be here to listen to YOU - whatever 'YOU' that is at the time. Feel free to email me - you have my personal email.

Take care of yourself Cate.

L x

Lauren, I just re-read my last night's post & realised it was open to mis-interpretation. I can talk freely here (in the forum) and do! It's at home in Tassie, with family & friends that I have the most trouble opening up & expressing my feelings. I think that they may not want to hear about my insecurities. In the forum I get so much support & encouragement & it really helps me. Before this I used to bottle it up. I have gone off & done things that I was scared of doing because some-one in here has said "Cate, stop thinking so much, just do it!" I am grateful for the push.(thank you!)
My sister used to provide a lot of my encouragement & I guess I have never found a friend as helpful or that I have become as close to. I'll be right soon. I just am going through a stage I suppose. A part-time job will make me feel better & it won't just miraculously appear out of thin air as I was hoping it would. I have never been brimming with confidence.
I know where it comes from & there's not much I can do about it. I was always, at best, second to my older sister when I was a child. I used to feel invisible. My mother puts intelligence or IQ up on a pedestal. Always has. My older sister was very intelligent. She topped her class every year, was dux of the school, got a scholarship to Melbourne Uni at the age of 16 etc. You get the message. I used to be asked by my teachers why I wasn't as smart as my sister. I was largely ignored as a child as my sister was always the main focus. She was also a bit of a trail-blazer & was quite wild. It's a wonder I loved her so much. I always lived in her shadow as a child, but as middle-aged adults we became very close when she was diagnosed with cancer. I always did really love her, even when she was mean to me & admired her. My mum is always saying what an easy child I was & that she never had any trouble with me & she probably thinks this makes me feel good. I get so irritated by her & then feel really guilty about it. I spoke to the counsellor a few months about it & that helped at the time so I might have to go back & re-visit her strategies.
I still weigh 72kg and have decided to almost cut out carbs & am drinking lots of water until I get it back down to 69kg. Now I know how slim people feel when they complain if they put on a measly 2kg. I feel really uncomfortable. I can't believe it really. I tried on some of my husband's jeans that only just fit me when I was 69kg just to make sure I haven't turned into a blimp over night & I haven't. I have actually imagined myself as being obese again. The brain is a strange thing. I will have to get rid of these 2-3kgs quickly as it's affecting my thinking. I am wondering if my chemistry is out of whack & it's messing with my thinking.
The grand-children are coming this afternoon as my son & DIL are going to a wedding. The kids are staying overnight & our OS & DIL are also coming back here to sleep after the wedding. It was their idea as our GD wakes a lot & cries. I said I would be ok but my DIL worries a lot. She is a very good mother so I won't push it. I thought it would be nice for them to go home to a house without the kids for the night but that's ok. It makes it much easier for us. My LH is playing golf & said he would come straight home but will probably forget. Our GD is much easier now she is walking. She is also very used to me now & comes to me even when her Mum is here. She reaches up to me to have me lift her onto my knee. They are both such sweet kids! I will probably have them both on my lap tonight before bed. Luckily we have the recliners. Our GS loves back scratches(& leg & arm..) & never tires of them. Our GD will get up & down, up & down as she's a little live-wire!
My meals these days-
I thought some-one might be curious to know what I usually eat post-Cohens.
Breakfast- Is usually fruit flavoured, non-fat yoghurt. I have to be very careful to read labels & am having trouble at the minute finding a good yoghurt in a re-cyclable container. I love the Vaalia but their containers are non-re-cyclable. Oh to not care like my mother! I don't really mean that but will leave it in! We always share a plunger of real coffee in the morning & I don't have any more caffeine for the day, except occasionally at a cafe (long black only). I drink herbal tea during the day & in the evening. I bought some delicious mixed ones at the Craft Fair. I love peppermint & spearmint tea & hate the fruit ones. Ugh!
Mid-morning snack- Sometimes I have 2 Saladas with just Vegemite, sometimes with a little cheese. An apple or an orange.
Lunch- Tuna, salmon or chicken salad or a home-made soup, occasionally with a small multi-grain bread roll but often 2 Saladas. Fruit salad & yoghurt.
Mid-afternoon- A couple of ginger-nut biscuits with my herbal tea. Sometimes I might have a small hand-ful of bio-dynamic sultanas and/or some nuts.(This could be why I've put on a couple of kg's.)
Before dinner- A few dry biscuits with mozzarella cheese, especially if I feel like a glass of wine or some beef jerky.
I often have a glass of dry red wine before or after dinner. I love a soft, blended red wine with Merlot in it. I very rarely have 2.
Dinner- Usually a stir-fry of beef or chicken, including lots of vegetables like bok choy, celery, carrot etc. Sometimes I will have this with rice. Usually followed by fruit & yoghurt.Lately I have noticed if my husband plates up my meal he is putting as much rice on my plate as his. I will have to ask him not to. Last night I only ate half of my meal & ate the rest at lunch-time today with a bowl of soup. His balance is a high proportion of rice, not much meat & lots of vegetable whereas I would like to stick to the Cohen's balance of meat & vegies with only a little, if any, carbohydrate. I had better have gentle words with him.
Supper- A piece of molasses licorice & 4 squares of dark chocolate. (I know I should cut out the chocolate. I actually love the sugar-free dark chocolate that you get at the health food shop but it is quite expensive.)
I have a feeling it's the snacking that is making the difference with my weight. I will have to try to stop doing it or be more sensible about it. I remember that other years I get unsettled at this time of year. I'm not sure whether it's because of the pressures of Christmas with presents, functions etc or whether it is just a seasonal mood thing like the winter sads. I think there is something in that.
Enough of the babble for today I think. I had better do some more housework before the kids get here (grand-kids) Cheers for now & thanks for the support (& lending your collective ears/eyes!), Cate.

OMG-That was a huge post. Both GK's are sound asleep. My little GD obviously threw up as it smells in there. I can't see it though. She really fights sleep like you wouldn't believe! We watched Willy Wonka with our GS & he went straight to bed, without any arguments at 9.30 & of course, went straight to sleep. Our son & DIL are having a good night at the wedding. I hope they can sleep with the pewk smell. Ugh!
RocKwiz was great again tonight. I love that show!
I feel much better tonight. Just thought I would pop in to see if anyone's about. Back tomorrow, cheers, Cate.

Hi all, our son & DIL had a great night & our GD slept until 6am & then woke, grizzled & went back to sleep. Our son had to go to work but my LH & I cooked every-one bacon & eggs. I had mine with Saladas as usual. It's hard getting the egg onto the Saladas but I'm getting better at it. I love my eggs runny though. Very messy!
Our DIL fusses a lot & worries a lot about food, choking etc. She makes a lot of work for herself. She's very nice. We had a lovely time with the grand-kids. They seem to love it too.
My scales are telling me I am stuck on 72kg's. I will have to go back onto strict Cohen's for a while to get those few kgs to shift. I will have to psyche myself into that!
I was just speaking to my sister & trying to explain how I feel about job applications & filling out forms & she said that I probably have form phobia like her. Mmm. I think my husband is probably thinking that I don't really want a job but I do. I do have trouble with all the rigmarole required to even apply for one.
It's a beautiful day today. We have an 80th birthday party to go to in Devonport this afternoon. We are friends with this lady's son & she is very sweet. We often say to him to bring her along to dinners etc as she is such good company. He does not have a partner & lives at home with his mother. She is not domineering or anything like that. It's nice to be invited to her party. We will catch up with some of the same people that were at the 50th a few weeks ago as well which will be nice.
My LH is playing golf again & I bet he won't be home on time. He is getting a little bit too involved with the club itself for my liking & has taken up a position on the committee. This now means going to meetings, being expected to do more with the club like going to working bees etc. I love him playing golf. I know some-one has to do the other stuff but I think he'll hardly be home now. We have always tried not to get tangled up in the politics of things if we can help it. By that I don't mean real politics as I am a political person in that I have strong beliefs & write to politicians about the things I believe in. I this week emailed each of the politicians in our electorate regarding extending the ban on GM crops for example. Once you committ to going on a committee That's exactly what you have done-committed & there goes so much of your time.
I guess I have to leave him to do the things he likes & I do the things that I like & hope we don't drift apart. There is a risk in doing too many things separate. We should be ok as we do have so many common interests.
I rang my mum this morning after speaking to my sister as she had left a message on my phone. She had said not to bother returning her call but sounded so choked up I rang. Her lungs are really battling & I think she must be allergic to something near her. I noticed a big deterioration whilst she was here. I had just spoken to my sister about it & told her that I was worried. I suggested to mum that she go see her doctor & ask about trying a puffer that I use. A friend had recommended it to me & ever since using it I have been much better. I use it morning & night & it really clears my airways. I used to be all choked up in the morning too. I hope she gives it a go. She is usually so active but I really noticed the difference this trip & it was because of her lungs. We are such an allergic family. My sister is much, much worse than me. She cannot go into a shop without wearing a mask. She cannot have a job because of perfumes & de-odorants. She has been put on a disability pension because of it. She has tried almost everything. I would love to get over to Tassie for a holiday but getting her on a plane or a ship would be just about impossible.
I had better stop typing as I'll bore you all stupid! The sunshine is beckoning me outside. Hope you all are having a lovely week-end, cheers Cate.

Hi Cate! You've had sooo much going on! I wish I had had a opportunity to write earlier… but this is the first chance I’ve had!

One of the things I did want to say was … Go easy on yourself! I was re-reading some of your posts and I noticed that on a few occasions you say… “you should think or you shouldn’t need or should this etc…. etc.”! I think that the word “Should” causes many problems in our thinking… We often feel even more guilty when we use the word SHOULD… I wonder if the word “Prefer” might be better as it takes away that sense of guilt and instead there is a sense of acceptance and understanding about where you’re at “right now”.

I know that for me the anxiety about what I should be doing tends to overwhelm me, and can take away my energy etc… I spend more time worrying about whether it is right or wrong and then worrying about the fact that I am Worrying that I never get on with what I am supposed to be doing. I am learning to just observe the feeling… “hmm I am worried”… therefore accepting it… and trying to just move on.. (hope that make sense?)

I think that its great that you keep us informed about life after Refeed. Its not always gonna be easy! We will have to stay on top of it. We were Obese… and I think it is something that we may live with forever… maybe even much like a recovering alcoholic? The fantastic thing is … you have all the tools to get back to goal easily and know that it is achievable and that it’s not hard. This…. I think… is the very core reason for choosing this program over any other. The teaching aspect of it. I think I have said this many times!

Anyway Cate… as usual… love your diary updates and I know I don’t get in here as often as I should… would prefer… but I do love reading up on your life!

Blessya
Kannadew

Hi cate, I haven't been on much either I have had a massive drop in motivation and everything. i don't know what it is i hope I can change sson the travel with work is getting to me trying to keep up this routine when moving around so much has become in a way more and more difficult. I just have to stop going on about it and keep sticking to the plan. Thanks for visiting it was a really nice suprise to hear from you xox

Things sound full on for you to hope it all gets better soon.

Kath- You're right! Should, should, should. I know I do this. I give myself such a hard time! I think about everything way too much & worry, worry, worry. The times I have enjoyed the most are the times where I just did!
I will have to come up with strategies to overcome this. But "would prefer" is a whole different, much nicer & less stressful option.
I have just re-read the job application my SIL sent me. It is really off putting. I may prefer not to do this job I think, rather than apply just because I think I should get a job-any job!! There is a big list of things that you have to say whether you would be happy to do them. I don't understand a lot of them ("gastronomy peg feeds","title tables" but the ones I do are a bit daunting to me. e.g. "assistance with toileting", "bowel care regimes", "cleaning" & "laundry" to name a few. Doing these things for my sister is very different. I might shelve this I think but will talk to my SIL first. She is a "can do anything" no-nonsense sort of person. Doing most of the stuff required would be a walk in the park for her, I would imagine. Maybe not, who knows?
I will concentrate on doing my resume again I think. It would be good to get that done & then I could start dropping it off at a few places that I think I would like to work where they could meet me at the same time, rather than applying for a specific job.
A woman at the party last night asked me what I was interested in doing & we talked about the rigmarole required to get a job these days. Most at our table were in the fifties & in the same boat really. Even though I thought that a few of them were filled with self-confidence & most are in fairly good jobs you realise that we are very similar. One woman in particular who I like & admire was very encouraging. She said I would be better off if people could meet me as they need to know what I am like, rather than read a history of my employment as it would tell them nothing.
Another old friend who I haven't seen since last year as they live down the West coast of Tassie said she would help me with my resume & gave me her email address again. She currently has a job but is looking around for one with more hours along the same lines as the one she has. Outwardly she, too is very self-confident, but it seems she has similar insecurities. After much discussion amongst the women at our table we decided that it must be an "in your fifties" thing, along with the fact that the world has changed so much since we first started out in our twenties. In those days people offered you jobs & you had lots of choices. I didn't have to fill out a job application until we sold our business & I applied for my job in the travel industry (my last job). I still had a lot of drive & energy after selling our business & then getting back from the US, looking after my sister & her husband. I think I was running on adrenalin & the confidence my sister (& BIL) used to instill in me. They made me think I could do anything I set my mind at.
Suzie- It was good visiting you in your diary. I will do it more often. You will get your motivation back. We'll just tell ourselves it's a temporary glitsch in our lives.
Re-focus-
I must re-focus on my life & what I want out of it. I must remember that I am very happy with most aspects of my life & most of them I do not want to change.
I would like a job that brings me in a small income that I feel is my own, to do with what I like, without feeling guilt.
I would like to become more discerning with my spending. Learn to think more about spending. Do I really want this? I end up giving away so much that I don't really want or need & it is such a waste.
I would like to get fitter & tone up.
I want to lose 3-6kgs (get back to the Cohen's goal weight range of 66-69kg). I am currently 72 still. I have a belly still. Nothing like I had of course & I am proud of what I have achieved so far. I want to go the next step & tone up. By typing this I realise I am not desperate to do this, just would prefer to be a few kilos lighter. If I stay at 72 then the next step might be 75kg & so on. I can't have that!
I am going to head outside with LH for a while & potter around the garden. I just remembered I need to put some seedlings in small pots to take to the Wackies tomorrow as yay. I'm off with the Wacky Walkers tomorrow!!
Catch you later, Cate

Hi Cate

Just been catching up on the forum and have started on yours. This is such a wonderful forum i can't think of many other places where the support is so unconditional.

From reading your post it sounds like you are putting alot of expectations on yourself. Is hubby telling you to go back to work?

Cate you don't want to go into a position where you end up not enjoying the specific industry or work culture. I remember leaving one job for another years ago before I had kids, I thought this job would be wonderful and fulfilling.......well it was neither and I felt so depressed and actually ended up putting on alot of weight which depressed me even further. At that time we had just bought our first home so I couldn't afford to just quit but I did lots of job search and sent off many applications until one day I was accepted into my dream job I was estatic and I stayed in this position right up until I had my first child.

So basically don't rush into anything that will make you unhappy and cause a chain reaction with you psychologically and weight wise as well.
The other suggestion I have is why don't you do some volunteer work intailly and then if you find yourself enjoying this job then put your name down and keep up the volunteer work until a position becomes available. This way you are still contributing your time and getting the feel of the industry. The other suggestion (I hope I am not sounding to dominant - just trying to help really) is why not as I have suggested above and if you feel interested in which ever area then maybe do some short certificate courses to increase your skill levels.......like I said just some suggestions.

It's great you feel confident to confide in us here Cate it shows you are an open person to some degree.....maybe because we all here are relative strangers and we are techinically cyberspace friends.
But have you tried to talk to any family members?.....maybe you could start with one close family member and explore some of your thoughts and feelings with them. For me I confide to my sister...... I don't know how I would cope without her......our mother was not the best role model for us growing up so we have bonded and kept it together because we have each other.

Also their is a book you maybe interested in called "The Power of Now" by Ekhart Tolle. It may answer some of your questions especially those concerning your Mother.

Take care Cate

Sam

Sam- Hi & thank you for taking the time out for me. I won't see it as being interfering or domineering at all offering me advice. I have thought about doing volunteer work but the obvious place would be in a nursing home & for a few reasons don't want to go there. One of them is that I don't want to work in a place where I know that the residents will die there. I thought I was strong enough but I think I would end up depressed. There are only 2 nursing homes in our district & my MIL does volunteer work at one & would be very crabby with me for helping out at the other.
I know that I need a job that I enjoy & that does not drag me down. I am well aware of my shortcomings- too well aware! I want to be happy!
My mum rang to say she went to the doctor today & has a puffer which she used tonight. When she rang to make an ap't the receptionist had told her she couldn't get in until next week but mum told her that her daughters told her to go to the doctor this week as they were worried about her. She then saw a different doctor who gave her a very thorough check-up & prescribed the puffer. I do love my mum & must try not to get so annoyed with her. She is my only mother!
I am so looking forward to my walk tomorrow. It will be quite hot I think, as it was today. My LH & I did some gardening, cleaning up, burning about the place today in preparation for the bush-fire season. It is so dry for this time of year. I don't think we'll be doing much more burning off as it will soon be too dangerous.
I am opening up more to people & it's funny but I don't feel that I am talking to strangers at all, although I know technically I am. I was honest with my other SIL yesterday & also last night was very open about how I am feeling with my old friend at the dinner. I don't think I mentioned how excited she was seeing me "slim". She has only known the big Cate. She was truly shocked! She said something strange though about me now being competition. I haven't had a personality transplant. I get on very well with her husband & we count them both as very good friends. She is very image conscious & is very attractive & dresses well. She said she didn't see me as a big person before, just me, but she was a little different towards me at the start of the evening. When we left she gave me a big hug & said she was proud of what I had done & that I looked great.
I had better scoot. Dishes to do as off early in the morning, cheers, Cate.

My wacky day!
Today, at last I was back with the wacky walkers & it was quite a wacky day. There was a little dissention between a couple of the walkers (long story), it was hot/cold (typical Tasmanian bush-walk), we got split up & I & another walker ended up on our own somehow & for a little while thought we were lost (this was not our fault as some scooted off & left us on our own), another had a fall & few stayed back to help her & got left behind for quite some time & when we all got back to the cars, some-one had locked their keys in the boot & the other cars were stuck behind it. There was no phone reception, no-one could get into the car without breaking a window, but a car was carefully manoevred over rocks with bark etc as protection & a couple of us had to drive to where we could get phone reception & ring the RACT. We had to wait for the RACT & in the meantime the other car (very impatient man) had driven off with my bags in his car & luckily stopped when he saw us to find out what was happening & I jumped out & got in his car & came back to Deloraine. When we finished our traditional after-wackies afternoon tea at a local cafe they still hadn't got back, neither had the RAC truck, so we went home. It was a funny day all round.
You know, even with all of that I had a great day! I just love the exercise & the comeradie. I will ignore the negatives. Some of the walkers are very bossy & are not people people. I will be fine with all of them. I love people & can get on with most so will make sure I do & don't get involved in any politics or domestics.
When I weighed myself this morning, after having woken up at least 4 times last night & after a fitful night's sleep I weighed 71kgs- YAY!!!
I feel so good tonight mentally. I'm aching like anything already, even after a bath with 'lectric soda, but mentally I'm on top of the world. Exercise & good company make a hell of a lot of difference. I must remember this!
I have eaten very well for the last few days & drunk lots of water. I will continue to do so until I am back to 69kgs. I feel very positive about most things again. I wish I had the confidence in myself that others have in me. I will have to work on that too.
I'll say good-night for now as I'm sitting in an uncomfortable position & my back will not thank me. Ouch. 'night, Cate

Exercise
+ good company
= positive Cate!

I woke up this morning at 5.45am fully alert & ready for anything. I slept like a log! I looked outside & was going to throw on some clothes & go for a walk but it was really foggy & damp so decided against that because of my asthma (bad combination for me).
I had dreamt of going into a local business & asking for a job which I then was offered. I may take this as an omen & give it a go. I know them well & have been friends with one of the younger members of the family for years. This has been why I haven't asked before. Another old friend, my age, works there & it would be great to work with her as she's lovely. We don't see one another but it would be nice to re-kindle the friendship. I'll give it some thought during the day but not too much. There are lots of pros & cons but it is so close that the pros might win.While I am feeling so good I should act.
I made a bid for some trekking poles on eBay last night & missed out, just. I then made another offer on a single pole & the auction finishes tonight. Meanwhile eBay have emailed me to say the original seller has offered them to me to buy now for $1 less than I offered. I'll have to wait & see how my other bid goes. Hopefully the bid for the single one will fail as I preferred the set of 2. EBay is such fun. I really must take the plunge & start selling. I have so much stuff I could sell. It can't be too hard.
I am scanning & sending stuff to a friend & it takes forever with dialup. That's why I thought I would post in here now, rather than later. Just did a quick check & it's done, so will scoot off to help my LH get some wood. Cheers for now, Cate. PS. I'm feeling great today!!

Hello Cate

WOW - I love reading your posts - especially one's like those of yesterday and today. I'm so glad you had wacky walkers again that you could make. But may I just add, in regards to the other things mentioned in your post, how you hesitated to go to Wacky Walkers that first time. You had a good feeling about it but were just a little nervous about taking the actual plunge. You went and have never looked back... maybe your instinct is a good omen... Need I say more or was that a gentle enough nudge... ha ha

Keep us up to date!

L x

Cate! Youre right! Dont give it TOO much thought! What have you got to lose? Really? Whats the WORST that can happen? They say no... right? They wont hate you or be mad with you for asking right... so... you have really lost nothing if you actually ask! You go for it!!

I look forward to hearing all about it!
Blessya
Kannadew

Hi Cate


Glad to see you happier. I was going to suggest that you mix up your meals if you were struggling with those few last kilos - example just switching your breakfast, lunch and dinner around. I've been reading a bit lately on dieting and the plateauing affect and this was mentioned.
But it looks like you are doing fine 1kg to go.

Sam