Hi Sam, I read so many different sorts of books. I like to escape to books occasionally but have not had much time to read for the last few months or been able to switch off enough to concentrate. I have made up for it the last week.
Today I finished "A grave talent" by Laurie R King. It wasn't bad. I don't go for the forensic pathologist gruesome murders. I have read quite a few but find them too depressing. I like female detective stories, like Kerry Greenwood's Phryne Fisher series or her Corinne Chapman books. I have read every one of those. I love books set in places I have been, like Melbourne or Baltimore in the US.
It's time for bed I think. We are having the grandkids for the afternoon tomorrow & then the family for dinner. I had better go re-charge my batteries!
Cheers, cate

What a day we've had. We did a quick shopping trip & came home to prepare for tonight's dinner before the grandkids came for the day. Our son & DIL went to a barbecue. We had a full on afternoon & then bathed them, cut their finger nails & toe nails, fed them & got them ready for bed & then had a dinner party with our son, DIL when they arrived. We had Pho Bo that I cooked & pizza, my husband cooked. There's nothing like mixing your cultures. My Pho is quite authentic.It brings back wonderful memories of our holiday in Vietnam.
I am very tired tonight & still have this chest infection/asthma so won't be going bush-walking tomorrow. I struggled to walk around our block today so don't want to put myself at risk with my asthma.
I must weigh tomorrow. I do feel chubby which is not good. Fingers crossed, Cheers, Cate

Well, it's official. I don't have to go back to that household again & I haven't quit either.
That was easier than I thought it would be. I'm still shaking though. I haven't met the guy who now does our rosters but have got on very well with him over the phone. He firstly asked me how I was feeling & sounded sincere, which was nice.
We had a good chat & I told him I have a certificate until the 4th of April but that it was only fair to tell him I cannot go back to that place again. I asked him if he knows much about it & he admitted that he only knew the basics so I let him know what it's like & why I was getting so depressed. I thought he should know as he has to try to work out who to send there & what he is dealing with.
I also said I do not want to quit & he suggested contacting the office who interviewed me originally & recommended me to them. I said the boss there had already said to let her know if I want any work their way. She seems lovely. I will call in & have a chat tomorrow when I go for another vein ap't as I need to let my SIL know as well as she goes to this client's home occasionally. I must prepare her for the nasty words that I would imagine will get said about me. It hurt me when they were said about her one day.
I love my SIL a lot. She's strong minded, honest, caring, pretty bossy, but no-one's perfect & I care for her a lot. You always know where you stand with her. She doesn't take any nonsense.
Weight-
My weight seems to have shifted up unfortunately & got stuck. I half expected to sit at the upper range of my goal weight without a lot of effort. I think it would be asking too much for your weight to stay at the bottom of the range when you get to goal as you are eating so little on the plan. I might be wrong. I know that's what they say but I didn't really believe them. I had settled happily with the thought of going up & down within my 3kg goal range. It may be because I did not get to their goal weight because my scales were weighing 6kgs lighter than what I was but I am 2.5kgs above the top weight at the moment, which is 5.5kg above the lowest that I got to.
I rang the clinic & Lisa was not there. I would like to speak to her but I think I know what she will say..That I need to go back to the original plan, get to my correct goal weight, go back on re-feed etc. I won't be paying for a new plan.
Now I have a quandary
My husband who has been so supportive all along likes me the way I am. I would be happy if I could just lose 5kgs as it feels uncomfortable. Everywhere I go I am being told how healthy I look & how lots of people they know have done this & lose too much weight & look sick. A few friends have said how I look better now than when I just finished as they thought I looked a bit too thin. I put this down to the fact that they could afford to lose weight themselves.
I guess what it boils down to is I need to lose at least 3kgs to feel comfortable in my skin (& my clothes!!) & I have to do it without my lovely, caring husband knowing that I am doing it or especially him thinking that I am becoming obsessive about it.
I am also having lots of trouble finding motivation but, hopefully when my mind clears, with a break, I will find it again.
I do have this physio appointment next Monday. Hopefully I will be able to get some advice about a tailored exercise program. I need to do something for fun. My asthma has been really bad lately. It has been raining on & off the last couple of nights & today it is really foggy.
Thanks Sam for sending us the rain!
Hopefully our fencing buddy will come soon to fence our driveway now that the soil will have been softened a bit & we can buy some stock to eat the long grass. at least the rain will flatten it a little. The thought of bushfires is scary. When I am breathing better I must do some brush-cutting.
I had better go & shower & get dressed. I think not feeling physically well is making it harder for me to feel mentally well. It's a which comesfirst the chicken or the egg thing. Did the job depress me & make my defences so low that I got physically sick or did getting physically sick because of all the allergy triggers make my defences so low that it really depressed me. It's somewhere in the middle I guess. At least I have recognised that I had to get out as it was making me really sick. It's done!
I won't read this back or I will spend half the day editing it. I have found typing in here helps me to recognise what I am doing & to try to look after myself better.
I am going to spend the rest of today pottering. I need to ring a couple of friends & let them know what I am doing. I have been too busy( down) for my special friends which is wrong. I must make amends & explain. Family & friends are the most important things in my life. I must keep reminding myself that money is not very important.
Bye for now, Cate

No-one was home that I rang. I spoke to my SIL at work & she sounded really stressed & was close to tears. She knew that I was away from work ill. She had heard this, not from family, but from work. I hope they are not giving her a hard time over me. That would be so unfair. She couldn't tell me why she was so stressed as she said she would start crying. We are meeting for lunch tomorrow. I told her we won't cry. Work is not worth crying over.
I am a bit crabby with my husband, which, in itself is unusual. He promised me he would not play golf on Saturday as we are babysitting the grandkids while their parents go to another wedding & I have to go pick my mum up from the airport at the same time. I thought either we would all go to the airport or one of us would stay home with 1 gk while the other went to the airport, or any combination, depending on moods of kids etc.
Now he is strongly hinting that he is going to play in a golf tournament up the mountains & suggested picking up his mother & bringing her to our home for dinner &, quote "Kill 20 birds with one stone". I feel more like hitting him with a rock! I asked him tonight if it was like a good cop, bad cop thing & he wants me to say...."You play golf but forget having your mum to dinner!" He looked at me blankly & said he thought it was a good idea. Instead of really looking forward to my mum coming I am wishing I had said come the next day when she wanted to.
I just read that line out loud & he said he hasn't organised anything yet.
I'm too grumpy to look in diaries tonight,not that much is happening anyway. Hopefully my mood will improve tomorrow. I probably won't have time to post tomorrow as I have to pay some bills, drive 60km's,meet my SIL for lunch, vein ap't, drive another 60kms & then doctors ap't again, home for quick dinner(11km) & then off to 8-ball as it's a final (22km return trip). Phew. I don't feel like any of it but will have to. Good night whoever is out there, Cate

What a day yesterday was. I got into Launc way too early & had to fill in time, met my SIL, had lunch with her in a park, discussed work, depression etc (her husband's & mine) she offered me work, I told her I wasn't up to it yet, she was fine about that. I went to the vein specialist, early I thought, only to find out that I was 2.5hrs late as I had changed my ap't & forgot! I then off-loaded about work as I was trying to explain about my muddling everything up. They didn't know what struck them. It's funny because people seem to think they know me almost straight away upon meeting me.
I then had an ap't with my GP as arranged last week. We have had many discussions about my mental health & yesterday, I agreed that it might be time to try another anti-depressant. I have tried quite a few over the years but don't take them for long as I have a common but unfortunate side effect from them. Lets just say that it affects my lovely (usually) close relationship with my LH.
The one I have been prescibed is for anxiety & depression & usually does not have that particular side effect. I have started taking it this morning. I am going back to see her in 3 weeks to let her know how I go. I usually don't last that long on them.
I had a areally bad asthma attack last night out. The ladies toilets smelt so strongly of de-odorants, perfumes etc I could not breathe. Apparently they also have something plugged into a power point that probably tipped me over the edge. I ended up curled up in our friends car & went to sleep. Everywhere I went outside to try to breathe someone would appear, smoking & asking me if I was ok. Then they think I am just being anti-smoking & how can you tell people when you are having trouble breathing (&talking) that it's a breathing/not breathing thing, not just a personal taste thing.
I will probably have some side-effects for a few days apparently the chemist said & I think I am right now. I feel a little queasy & light headed. I have always had such a thing against taking anti-depressants but I am aware that I probably do need them. I may be bi-polar. I have wondered about this over the years & it has been suggested to me by 3 different GP's at various times in my life. I am not really sure & neither is she but she feels like the Lithium path is too extreme for me. I don't have such highs that they are out of control & my lows I know pass eventually. There are many different degrees of bi-polar & it can be a huge sprectrum of differences between one person's illness & another's. I have always been aware that there is a problem lurking & that if things really go wrong with my life I will need help.
It's hard to type this but I will leave it here. I think the world attaches too many labels to people & I don't want to be labelled as an illness. It's time I did something to treat it, rather than pretending it's not there or it will go away on it's own. It hasn't yet so is unlikely to.
I am going to try not to tell my mother when she's here as she usually only wants to hear good things & she's of the old "pull yourself together school". I'm sure my dad used to get depressed & drowned it with alcohol, my older sister was on anti-depressants for most of her adult life & my brother committed suicide at 25. My mum has this ability to soldier on. I wish. I love her & will miss her when's she's gone. I know that I take after my dad in lots of ways but can probably think things out better than he could & don't hit the bottle like he did.
My sister was a physchologist & analysed herself & everyone else, including me. I didn't count her but she also used to think I was(am) bi-polar. I'm still not certain. It seems to me that almost everyone that gets diagnosed with something it seems to get attached to them like a degree, but with the opposite effect on people. How many people say they are a .....yr old, with......... in here for example? Does an illness or a syndrome define who you are? I hope not.
My doctor says that I am constantly learning about myself & that I must protect myself against letting myself slip back so far. She thinks it's good that I have recognised that this job was making me sick & got out before I got back to how I was last year. She puts a lot of faith in me. We get on very well & I like the way she treats me & how much respect & genuine compassion she has.
The vein specialist asked me to do something for him before I go back to next week's ap't. He asked me to do something good for myself. He said to go for a bush-walk & report to him next week where I went. He & his staff are quite sweet. It's funny but I feel like I have known them forever.
Enough of Cate's confessions. I'm exhausted. This is the first time in my life I have told anyone about all this, other than my sister. I have tried hiding it. I told my husband last night, for the first time also. He is very caring & supportive. He had already decided not to play golf as I had heard him telling someone that he couldn't play as we were baby-sitting the gk's & my mum was arriving at the same time. Later on I thanked him & told him about the doctor's discussion/medication etc & the other doctors opinions & that I just needed to take care of myself for a while & try not to stress. I'm sure he has always known really but does not talk about it. He never puts pressure on me & don't think he realised that his playing golf would have. I am so relieved that he will be with me as sometimes I don't even feel like driving or leaving the house, let alone having the gk's & picking my mum up at the airport, whilst appearing in control.
OMG. Do I leave all this in? It gets scary sometimes this telling it how it is. I'm not used to it still. I'm sure I'll be ok..... xo Cate

Hi Cate

I think you are in the majority of people who have some form of bi-polar, depression, anxiety and the rest. We have had it in my family in varying forms and I think once you accept that you have it you are that more able to manage it. Mental health issues is such a broad spectrum these days and even post natal depression is studied under this banner. Chemical imblances in the brain occurr that is a fact, there are drugs that help in some instants but it is very important to keep in contact with your Doctor.
You wouldn't believe it but I know of quite a few people who suffer from some type of MH issues and are on medication for it. So remember you are not alone. I am glad to see your hubby is forsaking his golf to be there with you and the family on Saturday. And also Cate I appreciate that you have shared this all with us. You sound like a strong person but we all have our achiles heels, don't we.
I don't know if you knew this but Spike Milligan was bi-polar diagnosed so you might be interested in reading up on him.
Take care now.
Sam

Thanks Sam. I did know about Spike Milligan. When he was manic, boy, was he manic. I do feel a little better acknowledging the fact that I do need help. It's now a matter of what medication I guess. I know lots of people on medication for mental illness as well. I think we all do. I have always tried to manage without but my GP thinks it's time. Perhaps, like everything else, as you get older, you don't bounce back quite so easily.
I got a call from my Cohen's consultant today & I discussed with her about my weight/scales etc & she took so much time with me. We went over everything that I eat & drink & she thinks it sounds like water retention. She asked if I was going through Menopause as that's a common thing with it. She has advised me to get some Celtic salt & to add 1/4 teaspoon to my water bottle. Also to eat more red meat (steak) & instead of so much fruit/fruit salad, especially grapes that I should have some good quality dark chocolate. I said "Lisa, I think I love you" & she laughed. She is so thoughtful & caring. I really appreciated her making such an effort for me.
I felt a bit funny today, after starting my medication but it should improve in a couple of days.
Bye for now, Cate

Hi Cate,

I know exactly how you feel. I'm also back on my meds as of today, will tell the details in my diary. I think it really is the best thing to go on the meds rather than trying to fight the emotions all the time.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Cheers

Esthee- Thanks sweetie. I just typed in your diary. I feel fairly exhausted but, you're right. Fighting & supressing all these conflicting emotions is too hard. I have done it most of my life. Any stress seems to trigger it now. I need to get back on an even keel. I react to everything. I'm like a sponge.
Today was the 2nd day of my meds & I felt nauseous, had a head-ache all day & was very tired. I slept in my chair for about 3 hours after vacuuming the house. My mum is arriving tomorrow from interstate so couldn't leave it. I don't want her knowing about the medication. It used to bother her a lot about my older sister's medication. Mum would probably start worrying about me & I don't want that. She has had enough to cope with. She is not an outwardly emotional person at all but gets the shakes if stressed. I hope I don't feel ill when she's here. The chemist said the side effects should go after a few days.
I'm a bit too tired tonight so will say goodnight, xo Cate

Hi Cate

How are your feeling? has your Mum arrived yet?
I haven't been around that much....I am not feeling up to giving advice and the times I have I think I've sounded abit short with people and that is not a good way to be.
This week for me has been a struggle my os went on camp and I was stressed about it and also he wasn't well prior to going but the Doctor said it was fine...he just needed antibiotics which the teachers gave him. I worry I suppose because his been bullied and he is very shy away from us....but extremely dominant with his family. So sufface to say I have been doing the emotional eating thing.
Sorry for off loading here...it just happened. I suppose because you have two grown up sons...i feel we have that in common and the weight issue of course.I hope the meds settle soon and you notice a different.
Bye for now, hope you have a good Sunday.
Sam

Hi Sam, I've been feeling the same. I haven't really felt up to giving advice. I don't feel depressed or anxious, but, boy do I feel sick. I am constantly queasy & last night I hardly slept. My so-called 3 days of side-effects is now 4 & I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling better. My mum thinks it's my chest infection. I'm not drinking any alcohol at all so she & my LH have a drink together & at lunch today my MIL & the 2 of them shared a bottle of wine while I drank lots of water. I am also incredibly thirsty.
I am about to look up the Merck manual on-line & check what they say about my meds. I have the 3 pages from the chemist but it didn't mention the thirst. I am also giddy. I drove home today but don't think I will drive until I feel better. Apparently they say to have the meds in the morning because they can make you too awake at night but I'm not so sure that will happen with me as I'm really drowsy.
We had a nice evening with the gk's & a nice morning before we took them home but I wished I felt well. Mum will start getting suspicious soon I think & I might end up worrying her anyway.
My LH has the next few days off & I may get him to chauffeur us around a bit. My mum saw the baby for the first time this morning & he gooed & gahed at her beautifully so she's hooked. She also says our little live-wire GD is very similar to my older sister as a small child. She's smart & very full of beans & is also a blue-eyed blonde. Having them stay the night with mum here has been good for her as she has seen them as they really are. Our gd, apparently, is very quiet with every-one else, but is full of life & happy with us(& her parents of course). Nice.
OK- I have to look a few things up, xo Cate

HI Cate...

I've been away in Perth for over a week and have only just had a chance to reply to your diary. Im sorry that you are not feeling the best and feel a bit "all over the place". I am looking forward to catching up in person and chatting about all these things properly rather than through this "medium"... Its like 27 days til I get there!!!

I have exciting news! I started refeed today! BOY is it complicated!!! Right when I didnt need anything else to be complicated... and I am still annoyed that I am finishing early... but... oh well... I cant believe that I am finishing!

Chat to you soon!!!

Blessya
Kannadew

K- I just read that in your diary & told my LH! WOW!!
After reading about the side-effects on Merck & Wikipedia I am not taking any more of these pills. All my side effects that I am having, already are listed & last for ages. One said "should never be used as a first line of defence against depression because of the increased risk of suicide" Good one!
I am going back to relaxation tapes, walking, avoiding stress, seeing a naturopath (no hurry there) & generally trying to just look after myself as naturally as possible.
Hopefully I'll feel much better physically tomorrow. I'm feeling stronger mentally I think because I know I need to look after myself & stop trying to change the world.
Be back tomorrow with an up-date, xo Cate
Yay Kannadew!!!!

Hi everyone. I am feeling so much better after my second day of no meds. My thirst is still huge & my lips are dry. my headaches seem to have gone, the vision is so much better & I don't feel totally spaced out. I have not felt teary at all for about 5 days & I no longer feel anxious or nervy. The pills frightened the daylights out of me. I took them back to the chemist & asked them to dispose of them for me as I was to scared to flush them down into our septic system or to throw them out in with the rubbish. I feel they are dangerous. I had dark thoughts after only 4 days of them. I don't want to even think about that again. They were Efexor(Effexor in the US I think) if anyone is interested or curious. I am going to go the natural, holistic way from now on.
My body seems to react very strongly to any drugs. They seem to have a multiplying effect on me.
I went to the physio yesterday & she is going to ask my doctor to do some paper work to get me onto a new scheme through Medicare where I will be able to have 5 free physio sessions a year forever as part of a keeping fit & healthy program for people with chronic problems, such as back pain etc.
She was very helpful & lovely & we got on very well. She was really impressed with how I am trying to prevent future ill health & with me having lost the weight. We discussed Naturopaths, Iridology & all sorts of things. I even told her that I had counselling last year for the first time & she seemed genuinely impressed with my approach to my health. I guess health professionals are used to people who don't look after themselves & then see them when they are physically falling apart & wondering why.
We basically just got the ball rolling, so to speak, without me learning any exercises yet. She has also got government funding to buy an elliptical machine, exercise bike & treadmill & will set up a small, personalised physio room in our local town that I will be able to go to & get my own set of exercises.
We also discussed yoga, pilates etc & I said there is no-one locally who teaches Pilates & I would love to do it. I told her I have tried using a dVD but find it too hard to look up at the tv while doing the exercises & feel it would be much better to go to a proper class where someone keeps an eye on you & shows you how best to do it. She then told me she is going to start a class in my local town. "Put me down for that please" I said.
I have not had much spare time or energy with my mum here to type in here. I love my mum very much but she does not draw breath. I know I will be just like her if I live on my own & live long enough. You get to hear my ramblings & are a good outlet for me, but heaven help you all if I am left alone for too long! Wesee her quite often and she tells the same stories or states the same opinions every time we talk to her or see her & she has many opinions that actually make me cringe. I am not racist & do try to see the good in people but my mum sees the worst first & is very critical. I am not being mean here, even if you think I am. I am actually skimming over this & being quite kind about it.
We are the product of our parents & have much to be grateful for. I know that I am really a very lucky person. There are some aspects of our parents that we should learn by & not repeat them. I am more like my father in personality, body size, weight etc & he too had many faults & weaknesses, as we all do. He also had many prejudices that used to make me cringe, but he was also kind-hearted & loving.
I realise that I am actually quite happy not going to work. It's mainly the money that I work for, not this urge to get out & work. It sounds mercenary doesn't it, but I think it's the truth. I am not driven to work. I am not lost without it. If I could stay at home & still get an income of some sort I would be very happy.
My weight is gradually going down. I am only 1.5kg over my weight range so am sure I am going to get there over winter, especially when I start exercising regularly. I have hardly been getting any exercise over the last few months, except for pushing the wheelchair occasionally. It wasn't much. A lot of my time was spent just sitting doing nothing. Not healthy.
I am gradually thinking less & less about the job & the family & the client. It is fading already. I no longer lie awake at night worrying about her. Phew!
I am going to try to look up Big Pond & see if we can get cable broadband here as a friend down the road has now got it. I hate their web-site. Dialup is just sooo slow.
Cheers (yes cheers!), Cate

Hi folks, It's raining softly which is nice. I can picture the tanks filling, the water table rising, my vegie seeds about to push up through the soil & I am pleased that Summer is over. It's time to get cosy in front of the fire.
My LH, Mum & I are heading off to Launceston at lunch-time & we are having a lazy morning. I have another vein ap't this afternoon & we are calling in to visit my SIL who is about to head off for an O/S trip. I love both of my husband's sisters.
I had a good night's sleep again (only woke twice & went straight back to sleep). I am not quite so thirsty today but my lips are still really dry. No headache, no shakes.. I think I have those pills almost out of my system.
I also feel much more optimistic &, already my self-confidence is building. I must have got out of this job in the nick of time. I know I stayed longer than I should have though. I must protect myself better.
We had a family dinner last night with our OS, DIL & the grandkids, my Mum, LH & I. I enjoyed the meal but boy, have my tastes in food changed. We had corned beef, mustard sauce(only a little) baked pumpkin(carb!) baked potato (carb) beans & parsnip, followed by fruit salad & yoghurt (saviour!!).
It was nice for something different but I will never go back to eating meat & veg that way again as a regular diet. Give me light stir fries with a little bit of carb(either rice or pasta) with a nice balance of lean, healthy protein & fresh, non-carb vegies anyday!!
The rain is quite heavy now. Nice. Hopefully our fencing man will come soon!! I sent him a cheeky text message the other night saying "R....., even the rocks are getting soft (I wish!) cheers, Cate". He would have laughed at me & thought I am crazy but I don't mind. It was just a gentle reminder I thought. He's as wacky as me.
After reading Sam's diary this morning I was thinking how nice it would be to meet Sam & chat. Lucky me being able to to meet Kannadew next month. She is making such an effort just to come to Tassie to meet me. How lovely is that?! I had my chance to meet Lauren & I messed it up. Since I have got out of this job & my depression is fading again I am going to make sure I don't make the same mistakes. Family & friends are way more important than any job to me. It requires effort & determination to maintain these sometimes tenuous bonds but it's well worth it.
OK. I had better go do some housework. I can't have my mum thinking I've become a lazy old(ish) thing! Cheers, Cate