Ha ha, you stealth weigher! I'm so sorry you're feeling under the weather. Hopefully it is a simple case of needing your blood pressure meds adjusted or something similar. Your cm loss is amazing! You must look like a completely different person now. Good luck w/ the new doc. Sending good thoughts your way...

Whoah... I've fallen apart at the seams! My program has faded into the background. Today I went to my new doctor & really offloaded. My blood pressure is through the roof. She was great, very encouraging!
The funny thing is I felt like I had low blood pressure when I made the ap't but since then I have imploded.
It's the MIL problem. I wrote down how I have been feeling while I was in the waiting room as I was getting very stressed out. This is not me at all.
After talking to her calmly & telling her what I thought I needed to do & what is wrong with me I then said-"Look this is what I scribbled out while I was waiting & probably will give you a better idea of how I'm feeling"
She was wonderful really. Said that she thought that I seemed to know what I should do. She circled one thing I had written down & said you have written down what you should do first-"Take some time out for me". She also cut straight through to the essence of me. I have spent my whole life putting others first. I try to solve every-ones problems, look after them. Sometimes I think I must think I'm bloody superwoman!
Today I started taking the right steps. Had my hair cut, visited my MIL & had a really good talk to her, (whilst I was helping her out- won't go into all the details ). I said that I was literally making myself sick with worry about her. Told her about my high blood pressure. Said that I am happy to do my share but the others will have to help out. It went well. We had a big hug & a kiss & I came home feeling much better.
The doctor had also said there is a very good counsellor available locally but that she thought I was really good at self-analysis & had already worked out the solutions.
She gave me a medical certificate for work. I won't get paid as I don't have any sick leave yet but I want them to know that this is genuine. I am then on holidays for 10 days so will have a good break.
I am going to nurture myself for a change. The new Cate will try to look after herself.
I did say to her that what I would like to do is come to see her again in 4 weeks & tell her what changes I have made to my life. She thought this was a very smart idea. I actually came away feeling empowered & also that I think I just made a new friend. She's lovely.
After I had been to the doctor & after my haircut I went into a local store where I was served by a really nice woman that I hadn't seen for a while. She said something to me about how good I was looking & I told her that I had lost 22kg's. I am still in shock but she said something to me that no-one has ever said to me before-
"Cate, you've got such a pretty face!"
I was so shocked & did not know what to say. I did tell her that no-one had ever said that to me before & said "thank you, that makes me feel really good"
I told my MIL & she said "Surely your mother did". My reply was "especially not my mother". You don't realise how much baggage you carry with you through your life. I let a fair bit of it go today.
I told this new doctor that I had been through a stressful last few years which I don't talk about to any-one. It was quite a release. I will talk about it another time as I feel quite calm & relaxed at the minute.
I have people come up to me & ask how I have lost my weight. I did ask my consultant for some brochures a couple of weeks ago & she said she would post them. So many people I know seem to want to know all about it. I'm starting to feel like a walking advertisement for Cohen's.
Another thing happened today. I told my daughter-in-law that I was going to the doctor & that I was really stressed. Apparently they had discussed me & were both really worried. My son was going to come & see me soon to have a chat. How sweet! I will ring her in the morning & tell her about my day.
Well- I don't think I'll read this back as I will edit it too much. (Delete most!)
The new Cate-calm, relaxed, soon-to-be-slim, not trying to do everything for everybody else, I think will soon book herself in for a massage, a bit of retail therapy & maybe a yoga/meditation class & will learn to say "No"
Have I convinced anyone?
xo for today, Cate

WOW Cate... what a corner you turned today. new look, new compliments, new attitude, new empowerment. YOU GO GIRL!

Wish I had your self-analysis skills..... or could find a good counsellor.

In the time you've been Cohens you've done amazing.

Can I ask what your average day of meals looks like?

Still feeling pretty calm. Having a relaxing day. Made a few calls-1 to my daughter-in-law to let her know I'm ok, 1 re my MIL( not to my MIL) as had committed myself to do so & a quick call to a friend, who I have neglected a little lately.
Misty-You're a sweety. The kind thoughts & words that I read in here really help me. It's nice to feel that you are part of humanity & that we can reach out to one another for support.
Ichooselife- My self-analysis skills have probably come from a combination of things-my age, my life's experiences-remembering that I have felt this way before etc, reading & learning from others. Also my sister, was a psychologist. She was also self-aware & was on medication for years for depression.(make that decades). I loved my sister very much & even though she lived in the U.S. we were very close. Talking about her yesterday has made me realise that I haven't finished grieving for her & maybe never will. She died of lung cancer August '05. The last few years have been tough & I will write it down in my diary soon. I have a little bit more self-nurturing to do before I'm up to it.
I had 3 trips to the U.S. in the last 5 yrs(so it's more than a few!) We were self-employed in a business, working 7 days a week. It took 2 years to sell our business. My sister was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 yrs ago-trip 1(1mth-leaving my hubby running the business on his own). Then her husband was also diagnosed with cancer & Jen, my sister, was very ill at the time-2nd trip(3 mths-my hubby came over for 4wks with my mother). Jen's husband died within a year of being diagnosed & I went to stay with her for a month, offered to bring her back to Aust. with me (or come back to get her when she was ready). She died 3 weeks after I got home. Won't go into that part.
That was a very abbreviated version of those 5 years & I think that will probably explain a lot of my pent up grief.
Back to the new Cate!
This is the Cate who doesn't try to fix absolutely everything, including the world. It's the one who nurtures herself as well as her family.
I will get grief counselling one day I promise.
Back to your question
Cate's menu-
Breakfast-I alternate between these 2 usually, depending on what I feel like when I get up.(For the first 4-6 wks had the omelette every day!)-
1. A 1 egg omelette, usually with mushrooms, a little spring onion, tomato, spinach, coriander and/or parsley. The spinach, coriander & parsley are picked from my garden. I only use fresh vegies-don't like canned.
2.1 tub Vaalia low-fat, unflavoured yoghurt mixed with 1/3 of my fruit allowance & sometimes a few drops of sweetener. I have been having mango but am about to run out. Have some frozen in 150g portions in the freezer-not many left
About 1 hr before lunch-1/3 of cracker allowance
Lunch- One of these choices but very rarely red meat. I like to have the protein option that gives me the most vegies in all my meals.
1. Chicken soup (differs what I put in)
2. Chicken stir-fry (same)
3. Warm chicken salad.
4. Tuna salad.
5. Sometimes a tuna stir fry-bit weird but ok.
After lunch I have another 1/3 of my fruit allowance
About an hour before my dinner/tea time I have 1/3 of my cracker allowance
Tea I don't usually call it dinner any more as it's so little! (LOL!!)
This is almost always red meat!
1. Very rare eye fillet steak with salad. I Love it! I figure that we eat so little food it does not work out that expensive to eat the best.
2. Beef stir-fry-this varies enormously (poor choice of words-nothings enormous) I use rump steak usually. I go all over the world with my flavourings! Ginger, coriander & cumin, garlic, curry powder, chilli flakes(not too many unless my hubby has cooked my meal! ) all take some part in my meals. My vegies vary a lot. I love Bok Choy which is getting scarce.
3. Minced steak stir-fried all different ways. I like to take chop-suey to work(my version of course-Cohen's style)
I never use recipes. I haven't enjoyed cooking since before my kids were born & I am really enjoying preparing (& eating!the meals I have cooked for myself. My family can't quite believe it. Me either really. It started because I didn't trust my husband to cook 100% Cohen's when I began the program & now I'm hooked on cooking-at 53!
Really I think my success so far has depended on me having things prepared in my fridge. I find eating things freshly cooked is so much nicer. Because we have to weigh & prepare & cook everything separately I only pre-cook things if I am going to work.
I sometimes cook 2 soups at once in separate pots.I just won't play any guessing games & measure things out, say for 4 lunch-time soups, cook them all together & then divide by 4. Cohen's works so I don't want to mess it up by being slack.
After I have eaten my tea I try to wait an hour & then I have the rest of my fruit allowance.
Just before 9pm or earlier if I'm hungry I eat the remainder of my cracker allowance.
This last week I have been making up a fruit salad for the day. Sometimes I will just have a couple of spoonfuls. I made one up for my hubby too but his is much bigger & with different fruit, including canteloupe & apple. He has the creamy vanilla Jalna yoghurt with his. I do hope I can eat that later!!
I try to buy organic fruit & vegies if I can & free-range chicken breasts but I don't restrict myself to these.
Probably way too much info for any-one but once I start I have trouble stopping! Not telling anyone anything new here!!
I'm smiling as I type all this. I feel so much better today. It's raining & wintery outside, I've got the fire going nicely, the dogs are asleep nearby. Got a lovely husband arriving home in a couple of hours, will see both of my sons this weekend. Haven't stressed about my MIL at all today. Heart is beating slowly-not racing.
Once again- I won't check this for mistakes. It would take me too long!
Might be back later on tonight, dependingon what my hubby watches on tv.
Love to all, Cate
PS I only eat the Original Saladas now after trying everything else. I also have chicken(lunch-time size that gives me the most veg) & red meat(tea-time size -ditto) weighed out into diff. portions in my freezer. At night I decide what I will have the next day & take the meat out of the freezer. If, next day I feel like cheese then I have it & keep the other until the next day. works for me anyway!

OMG-Did I really type that much? Sorry folks!
Help wanted-
I want to treat myself & my husband wants to buy me something special for my birthday on the 18th. This may sound strange to most of you but what do you recommend? I like the idea of being pampered. I have never had a facial or a manicure. I don't wear make-up at all & my skin is in pretty good nick. I won't be getting any boob jobs or having cosmetic surgery. I am happy in my skin but feel it's time for a treat. Suggestions please....., xo Cate.

I'd highly recommend a full body 1 hour massage.. usually anywhere up to $70 for the hour and just soooooooo amazing.. also helps body rid you of toxins.

A day spa is a luxury I love to indulge in.. where you have a massage then get use of the spa and sauna.

Spa pedicure are amazing. not sure if you have them there but up here we have ProfessionNails who have special massage chairs you sit in while they do your spa pedicure followed bya a manicure. 2 hours costss $60.

I personally don't get a lot out of facials, but I know otehrs who do.

Whatever you do, ENJOY.

Okay you have me wanting a massage no w too lol

My son, DIL & grand-daughter visited me this morning. I am all over the place. He talked to me carefully & let me know that I have been like this for a long time. I have come to the realisation that I have not dealt with my stress at all for the past 5 years. Sorry make that all my life. My generation is the generation that usually scoffs at counselling & "soldier on" regardless. That means not dealing with the stress at all.
I made a call to my new doctor & have booked in to see her next week to get a referral to a counsellor. Self-analysis is fine but I have gone past the stage when I can fix this myself. It's about time I dealt with my grief.
I think because I have been going so well with the program what has really got to me is that I can't share it with the person that I loved more than I could possibly articulate. Just typing that has made me cry.
I will stick to Cohen's as it is a big step towards looking after myself better but by writing in this diary I have opened my heart to you all & this has opened the flood-gates.
It was always going to happen sometime.
I feel relieved, but nervous that I have taken these steps. I can't possibly explain how I really feel to my close family. A counsellor will not tell me just not to think about her, or to get over it. I need someone trained to help me work my way through this.
Now that I have realised this I guess (hope) it's a good step in the right direction. I will come in here each day still. I think this was the catalyst.
Love to everyone who is supporting me at the moment, xo Cate

Hi Cate,
Had not been on for a while but since I was in here last so much is happening in your life, I am so sorry you are going through all this, my heart goes out to you.
I will be thinking of you, take care

Annie Lusion

p.s well done on the weight loss so far, you are doing great!

Hi Cate, I'm so sorry you've had so many struggles and that you've felt the need to "soldier on"! What a terrible burden you've been carrying. It's wonderful that you've made the decision to take charge of your healing and see a counselor. I so hope that brings you the peace, healing, and closure that you need. This might sound crazy, but have you ever considered writing your sister a letter? When I lost my beloved grandma, I wrote to her. While it didn't make all the pain go away, it was a bit helpful to express my thoughts to her.

I know you're a nurturer and not used to taking care of yourself, but don't feel guilty for putting yourself first. When you take care of you, you really are taking care of your loved ones, too. They'll get to enjoy a healthier, happier you-- and that's good for everyone!

Annie Lusion- thank you. I feel pretty fragile.
Misty- You are such a sweety! You hit the nail right on the head saying I shouldn't feel guilty about thinking of myself. I know that you are right.
I spent the week-end with my husband & 2 sons, watching them play competition sport at the week-end & had my youngest son & a friend of his staying with us. His friend was taking a book to bed to read 1st night & I asked him what he was reading. It was a Robert G Barrett book. I told him that I have all of his books, with the main character Les Norton, & that I loved them. He looked really surprised & told me he didn't expect me to say that.
Now this fictitional character, Les Norton is a very rough & tumble bouncer, who does some sleuthing, and lives & works in Kings Cross, the red-light district in Sydney. Most of his books I couldn't put down & some I laughed out loud. A friend has all of them & just last week she said she must return them. She's had them for about 2 years. I must make sure that she does soon as a good laugh would help at the minute!
Next day my son's friend bought me a Rob't G Barrett book, not in the Les Norton series, but the book that is his favourite. He said I would love it!
How sweet of him & what good timing. Of course he has no idea how I am feeling at the moment (nor does my youngest son) but I feel that he may have sensed it.
I went for a walk during the comp., hoping to find some clothes. I have walked past a lovely looking store for years, thinking it would be out of my price range( & size range!) Yesterday, instead of walking right past I walked straight in.
I had a look around, liked what I saw, including the prices & when asked if I needed any help I said "Yes please" & told the saleswoman that I have just lost a lot of weight & am still losing but cannot wear my baggy, daggy clothes any longer & really needed a smart outfit so that I would feel better about myself.
She was so incredibly helpful & seemed delighted for me. It was such a rewarding experience. I had found a passport photo I had taken last year, just of my face, which I had put in my wallet & I showed her. She was amazed & wanted to know how I did it. I was feeling too exhausted to go into Cohen's with her (that says a lot for how I feel at the moment) but she had already heard of it & had looked at the web-site already. She said she wants to do it but is struggling financially at the moment & gave me her email address & asked if I could let her know more about it. The thought of doing that totally tires me out. I might just give her this forum's address.
I have never felt as bad as I have this week. My heart is racing almost constantly. This is the first time today that I have sat still (?)for more than 10 minutes. I am petrified of seeing a counsellor but know that I must.
I do need someone outside my family or friends to help me. I know that. I won't chicken out though as I know I need to go.
I just haven't felt like food the last week but have made myself eat all of my allowance every day. I can't say that I have enjoyed anything much.
My husband is playing golf today & I have a day at home on my own. I have been walking around the house, like a mad woman, talking to myself-saying things like-
"You must nurture yourself"
"Food is my medicine"
"Learn to relax"
"Stop. Sit down. You don't need to be doing this. Only do what you have to."
It's all been to no avail though.
Lunch-time today I cooked myself a delicious fish stir-fry with garlic, spring onion, fresh mushroom, bok choy & tomato, spinach & coriander from my garden, ginger powder, lemon grass powder & a dash of balsamic added near the end. Cooking it made me hungry so I really enjoyed it.
I also went into a shop that sells chrystals etc yesterday & went up to the counter & asked this guy in front of his family if he had a CD that would help with stress. He was also really good. His family wandered away to another part of the shop quietly & he played some lovely, relaxing piano/running water music, told me about meditation classes that they have on Friday nights, I told him I wasn't up to going or doing anything much at the moment but am about to see a counsellor & he was really sweet.
Of course I haven't listened to the CD yet. I showed my son & he said that he often listens to mediation/relaxation CD's & would like a copy. Smart boy.
I think I know why I put my weight on in the first place & to make sure that this does not happen again I absolutely need counselling. I need someone who can help me work through the issues that I have suppressed for so long & that I can no longer talk to my sister about. She was my counsellor when she was alive. I have tried writing her a letter & that helped a bit but I do need someone who can help me get some things into perspective.
One thing I feel is that if this hadn't happened this week & I don't do something about it I would have ended up having a heart attack or stroke.
I'm sorry if I have made anyone feel sad. It's the diary writing that has released my suppressed feelings so it is good for me. They were going to erupt one day & hopefully now I'll be able to recover.
On a better note-I will now tell you about my new clothes-
Black, suede-like pants
Multi striped polo fitted top-black, fawn etc tones
Matching fawn suede-like sleeveless vest.
They are 16's or 14's I'm not sure & can't be bothered going to have a look. It doesn't seem to matter as much any more. They looked great!!The saleswoman had to steer me away from getting bigger sizes & into different styles but she so nice to me. It's very hard not to cry when people are nice to me.
I don't mind any more if some people don't say anything about my weight loss. It means that they see me as me which I want. I don't want too much attention. The only person that I want to find me attractive is my husband. I have trouble convincing him of that though & that is one of the issues. I need to reassure him whilst also needing to feel good about myself & my body.
While being scared of seeing a counsellor I'm really looking forward to getting help. I felt better just typing those words.
Will be back tomorrow after listening to my CD. That's a promise! xo Cate

Hi Cate. Congrats on your new clothes. They sound beautiful and very trendy. As for your husband, give him time to get used to having a hot little wife! I'm sure he realizes you're not trying to attract every man in the neighborhood! I guess hubbies have their own little insecurities and comfort zone issues; they're just usually better at keeping them under wraps! His insecurity is a big compliment in itself, though. I hope you both feel much better very soon...

Misty, You really are such a sweety! You say all the right things at the right time. The clothes are lovely! Last night when my hubby got into bed he found a naked, smiling, wife. Later ( ) we had a chat & I think I have allayed some of his fears & insecurities. I hope so anyway. I certainly do not want any other man's attention in that way & have never sought it.
I'll come back later as I haven't listened to that CD yet. I will after my lunch.
I'm feeling so much better today & looking forward to eating something nice. That in itself is a good sign. It feels good to be taking steps to heal myself. I feel really loved. Learning to love myself is the next step.
xo Cate.
Brrr it's cold today! Better rev up my Lopi wood heater (made in Washington!)

Listened to my relaxation CD. Arked up the fire, settled back in my recliner, our dogs jostled for position on my lap & after about 3 tracks I relaxed & enjoyed it. My brain ceased its monkey chatter. 5mins later my husband arrived home from his training course & I was able to be like my usual self (outwardly anyway). Had a couple of moments today when my heart felt it was going to pound out of my ever-diminishing chest.
I had yoghurt & 1/2 a mango portion for breakfast today. An apple 1hr before lunch because I haven't been hungry for a few days. Then ate 2 crackers.
Lunch I made a delicious fish soup with flake (shark); fresh bok choy, garlic, spring onion & cauliflower; some canned asparagus, (& some of the water); fresh coriander & spinach from my garden; ground ginger, a little cumin, cracked black pepper & cracked sea salt. I warmed a big bowl & sat down at the dining table & really savoured my lunch. Mmm mmm!
Tonight I had a quick chicken stir-fry, with most of the above but cabbage instead of cauli. I usually add a little balsamic for flavour. I can't believe I am enjoying cooking so much. I ate this with 2 crackers & afterwards had a fruit salad of kiwi fruit, mandarin & honey dew melon.
I just realised that I still have 2 crackers to eat. Maybe that's why I'm a little bit peckish. Mmm. Better go eat them. Who would have thought 6 months ago that Saladas would be so inviting.
It's good to feel 1/2 human again. I will have to face my demons soon & start working out coping strategies but, in the meantime I'm just chilling out.
One of the many conundrums I have is that I would love to give up work altogether but I love spending money. When I have time to myself I'm busy thinking about the next project for the house or the next holiday. I didn't travel when I was young & I would love to see more of the world.
I guess this applies to a lot of people. My hubby actually doesn't want to stop working. Crazy man.
The telly is switched off which doesn't happen often in the evenings so hubby suggested I could go into the forum while he does some homework. It's funny because I have tried to go into the forum when he is at work & sit with him when he's home so that he doesn't feel neglected.
Goodnight (or good morning) from Cate. Cracker time! (bit lateish- whoops)

It's 7.51 & I have been up for over 2 hrs! Not a good start to the day. I came in here so that I would sit down. My hubby's new job training involved an early start today & he needed to get up at 5.45. I woke up with a fright as I noticed it was starting to get light. It was 6.30! He was out the door in about 5 mins-no breakfast, no shower. All I could say was I'm sorry over & over. I haven't been able to settle down since. I've been doing housework for 2 hrs.
I had better go & have some breakfast & try to relax. My poor brain is obviously not functioning very well at all. Come on counselling. I cannot imagine going back to work as it's very involved & complicated. I can't even set an alarm correctly.
I'm really glad I prepared my breakfast yesterday. A 1 egg omelette coming up. Plus I need water!! Be back later, Cate

The last week I have been feeling worse than I have ever felt in my life. Even so I have stuck to the Cohen's program (albeit on auto pilot!) My brain knows that this is the right path. Tomorrow I have another doctors ap't & will tell her that I need counselling.
Today I tried very hard to put on a brave face for my husband but it didn't work. I broke down & told him that I really stress out about going back to my job. I've been fighting the feeling that this was the major problem & had been putting out feelers for a while to test his reaction but once I had told him he was so good & I felt so relieved. It was such a weight off my shoulders.
I didn't want to put too much pressure on him as he is training for a new job that has the potential to be very stressful & I wanted him to feel free to toss it in if he thinks it will be too hard.
He is loving it & thinks it will suit him. He said I can just quit & not go back at all. I told him that I would ask for a few months off without pay before making a firm decision. Just typing that though I know that I do not want to go back. The company that I work for does not feel the need to let us know of major changes until we walk in the door about to start work. We face the public, who often know more than we do. Often I read of major changes in the newspaper.
For some-one who likes to feel competent & who spends a lot of my home time trying to be prepared so that I can do the job well,this is very stressful & very frustrating.
Tonight SBS had an excellent show, Insight, about bouncing back. There was mention about Aussies inability to ask for help. Just by admitting I need help I feel that I have taken such a major step towards healing. I cried with relief.
I feel like typing a warning above my diary-
Don't read this if you are feeling low!
I have always thought of myself as an eternal optimist and a very strong person. Lately I have doubted this. I'm now starting to think that facing up to things is much better than pretending they don't affect you. Most people I know have not realised how much grief I have suffered but supressed. I have hidden it a bit too well.Come on counselling I say.
Tonight I moved all of my work clothes & things into an out-of-sight wardrobe which made me feel so good. Yesterday, in a mad frenzy, I tried on almost every item of clothing I possess & had put almost all of my old clothes & undies in the same wardrobe. I won't throw them away for a while. I will let them just sit there.
I think I will go to bed early tonight. I don't think I am going to have too much trouble getting to sleep. Sometime soon I will book in for a yoga session. I had better try to take one thing at a time.
Hope all is well with everyone else. If not, don't do what I have done. Seek help! Love to all, including me, Cate.
Ticker update next Monday. Time for official monthly weigh-in & blood test. I think it's time the elephant went!