Once again i tried posting yesterday but aisling (11mnth old daughter) sent it to the abyss never to be seen again... I am glad you are feeling a little better. I too find i get emotionally invovled in some books so i try not to read anything i think might send me on an emotional rollercoaster.. I am off this arvo.. i have been good no cake, no lollies, no naughties at all.. just have to make it htrough the weekend...

I wish you all the best for your weekend and hope it brings you some much needed emotional relief or at the very least distraction.... i am going to be lost as i am not allowed to take the laptop with me. No safety net, no log on power, so wish me luck..

I hope you are able to take on your inconsiderate house guests, sorry squatters, at some point before they settle in.... Unfortunatley mine have settled in and i must wake them for school all to soon....


Cheers

chelle

Hi Chelle, Yes you had better not contemplate my solution! I must admit I feel funny about doing this but they drive me nuts(starlings that is).
OMG a car is coming down the drive & I'm in my pj's. Whoops- better go!

I saw it was a truck-driver so ducked & hid. He left some wine & didn't even come to the door so that's ok. I would have felt even stranger if I had been hiding with him knocking at the door. I'll finish my coffee & go have a shower & get dressed.
I don't feel great today but I think I can work out why. It's the usual thing of me not working and not earning my own money. My LH never says anything but it's me feeling that I should be out there earning. I then stress about it. What will I do etc?
I'm now worrying about what I will do with the dogs while we're at the 8-ball nationals. Kennels are so expensive. I can't ask my DIL as she'll have too much on her plate already. The dogs will stress while we're away even if I get someone to stay in the house with them. I think kennels are the best solution. I'll ring around and see what the cost is these days. Better scoot, cheers, Cate

Well I did ring around & have booked them into kennels that are along the way to where we're going. I'll now ask around to see what they're like & will call insoon to have a look at them. I thought $16 a day for the 2 of them seemed reasonable & I asked if I can go have a look some time & they said ok.
I've just made a huge fruit salad of mostly Cohen's fruit- mangoes, peaches, kiwi fruit, apples, mandarins, honey dew melon plus some non-Cohen's canteloupe and some passionfruit. We'll have this for the next few days or so with yoghurt. I'll have it for breakfasts plus a small portion after my meals. It makes me feel good as it keeps me regular. I am finding that fruit eating does not pile the weight on like eating bread or pasta does. I probably have 3-4 pieces of fruit a day. I was lucky in that I was allowed have 3 fruit on the program.
I cleaned out my garage today, listening to some vinyl records. Ike & Tina Turner, live at Carnegie Hall was perfect cleaning music. "A love like yours don't come knock, knock, knockin' every day, yay yay" It's great being able to listen to our records again, after a friend gave us his old stereo. It has great big speakers and has great sound.
It looks like rain again so I had better get on the bike, rather than go for a walk. I need something to read though while I ride otherwise I won't do much. I'll go fish out something light from my book-case.
I feel happier now I have the dogs booked into the kennels. One less worry! I'm trying not to think about money.
Cheers, Cate.

I starting re-reading a Stephen Leather book called "The Birthday Girl" which I read many years ago and rode the bike until my legs complained. I have a minimum that I do every day- 5km and I ride at about 30kpm. It usually takes about 10mins. That's my minimum. Sometimes I ride the bike 2 or 3 times a day but I'm trying not to over-do it and subsequently get sick of it.
I am considering giving my sister the site of my blog here and wondering if I should. There are only a few people who really know me (as with in person) who I have shared this with and I'm wondering if I should. I really love my sister and she knows a lot more about me than most people I know but something is holding me back. Any ideas? Sometimes I change the way I put something because of the people I know here (not many) who have a look and I don't want to start hiding my feelings again. I almost try to forget that anyone I know here knows about my diary so I do say how I feel.
We are going to a 50th birthday party at Port Sorell this afternoon. The guy who's birthday it is is such great company. He's really funny and we both like him a lot. I can't imagine anyone not liking him really. It doesn't start until 4.30 and the Saints are playing against Hawthorn at 7 and we would have preferred to have been home to watch it but I don't think they'll give us the chance of that. We will be in good company but hopefully there will not be too many Hawks supporters. We will need the Saints to play extra well to beat them! GO THE SAINTS!!! It would be wonderful to be in a Grand Final again, even against Geelong.
We had a sleep-in this morning after staying up late watching silly SBS movies and are lazing about in our pj's. It's been windy and raining and is now sunny. Typical Spring weather!
I'll be back tomorrow(of course!) Cheers, Cate

Hi Cate,
I know exactly how you feel about the forum. I also disclose a lot more about myself on here than most people who know me, know about me. I think it is the anonymity that the forum provides. Although I consider many of the people on here my friends, none of you would know me if we passed on the street and it will be up to me (and you) if we ever meet. I have considered giving my niece the address of the forum but so far have not as I think I would feel unable to fully express myself on here knowing that she was reading it and probably feeling very sad for me at times. She does know most of the intricacies of my life to date but how I feel about those intricacies is quite private and I don't want people to feel sorry for me when I am feeling down. You could always give her the address of the other forum and let her chat on there so she could still get support (If she is doing Cohens) but you could still have your own place here.
$16 a day for 2 dogs sounds like a real bargain. You wouldn't get even 1 dog into a kennel for that up here (in Sydney). I'm sure they will be pampered and spoiled rotten while on their holiday and they have each other so shouldn't stress too much.
Sorry I haven't dropped in for a while. I have been really busy and also been feeling quite flat lately (which is probably exactly when I should have dropped in) and haven't really felt like chatting or had much to say.
Take care.
Beck

Hi Beck, It is hard to post in here when you're feeling flat but I find it usually helps me to actually work out why I am feeling that way. For me it's a form of therapy and it seems to help. My thought of letting my sister know this web-site was to share some more of me and my feelings with her. She is under-weight if anything. I don't think I will let her know. I love her a lot but I want to stay open in here.
Today I feel so bad because I did something bloody stupid last night.
Instead of repeating the same mistake over & over for the rest of my lifeI am going to make a permanent change.
As of today I am never going to drink any strong alcohol again. I have never said this even with a bad hangover. I mean it.
We went to the 50th birthday party and enjoyed it. I drank Light cider (only .9 of a standard drink). St Kilda were flogged by Hawthorn and we stayed until after the match so no-one thought we were bad sports and then I drove home. The weather was really rough and at one stage I drove through a hail-storm.
When we got home our OS & 2 of his mates from school were at our home. Our son had rung to ask if it was ok that they came up as their tv reception was no good & they wanted to watch the match. Of course that was fine.
What happened was I decided to have a Single malt Scotch whisky and our son & I then proceeded to drink copious quantities of Whisky & liqueuers.
Unfortunately I think I inherited my fathers propensity for alcohol consumption & I'm afraid that I have passed it down to our sons. Not good.
I just sent my son a text message to that effect as I think it is a problem.
I was really ill during the night and feel absolutely ashamed of myself. I'm 55. I should know better. Instead of beating myself up about it I am going to stop so that I won't repeat it again. I should have done this a long time ago.
I am not going to read over my today's post as I would feel like deleting it. It's a hard thing to admit to such a big problem but I think in doing so I am ready to do something about it.
I do need to talk to my sons though. They both drink way too much. They are 25 & 27 and that's the age where most people drink too much (or take whatever) but I think they should know that it may be a problem for them if it isn't kept in check. It is bad for your health in so many ways including losing judgement and can therefore be dangerous.
From now on I will have the occasional glass of wine but if I ever feel that is a problem I will give up alcohol for the rest of my life. I have never, ever needed or wanted a grog to get me through the day so have not thought I was alcoholic.

I'm fighting an urge to delete all this so I'm going to stop now & get out of here. Time for some nurturing instead of self-destruction, xo Cate

Hi Cate,
Once you admit you have a problem with anything you are half way to the cure. I think that addictions are something that are in you and whether it is food, alcohol, drugs or whatever they are sort of interconnected. I used to drink way to much but stopped drinking all together about 8 years ago and I don't ever really feel like a drink any more. I also used to smoke and when I stopped smoking I didn't want to jepordise my no smoking so stopped drinking for a while. It was when I stopped drinking that I realised that I had probably had a problem with alcohol and I also started to recognise that my husband was definately an alcoholic. He still finds alcohol more important than anything else and was prepared to lose his wife and children so he could continue to drink. Let your boys know this and also let them know that it can drastically change peoples personalities. My husband was a really nice man when I married him but the alcohol changed him and I know it was the alcohol as he was always different when he drank and then after quite a few years he just never went back to being nice again.
Sorry I don't want to sound like I am being a "know-it-all" or anything but alcohol is something I now really despise. It took away all my hopes for my and my childrens future with their father and is something that I hope my children never touch. They know that it is the reason their father is the way he is and I'm sure they won't ever feel the urge to indulge. I'm so glad you didn't delete your message.
Take care
Beck

Beck, Thank you very much for that. This response is one of the main reasons I am in this forum. I really do appreciate your advice and will take it on board. Recognising that I have a problem is indeed a very important step, xoxo Cate
Now I had better go drag my sorry self off to the shower & put some very warm Winter clothes back on & think about making myself a delicious, nutritious lunch. Perhaps an omelette with fresh spinach & herbs from my garden, tomatoes, mushroom. Sounds good!

Starting to feel much better after my shower & a lunch of eye fillet steak(the one I didn't cook up at the barbie last night!), mushrooms, tomato, onion, 1 egg, home made worcestershire sauce and a bread roll. I decided having the bread may bloat me but would help soak up some of that alcohol from last night. I have since had some fruit and a pot of herbal tea (a mixture of raspberry leaf, peppermint & oolong).
My OS called up to drop in some plant pots for me & we had a good talk. I suggested a month of no alcohol at all to kick things off & he agreed, starting now. I have messaged my other son to throw him the challenge. I haven't heard back yet. He may be at work because he's been volunteering for a lot of overtime lately.
I have been looking up info on alcoholism and while I don't think that I am I still know that I have a problem with it. The stopping mechanism when I get a taste for it is faulty. My OS agreed that his is too. We also agreed we have just as much fun when we don't drink & that we don't need to. Also that we usually are happy to have one glass of wine 3-4 nights a week without wanting or having any more. Also I have never had or wanted a drink during the day after drinking too much the night before. It's good to recognise the problem though and I am going to do something positive about it. A month without anything is a very good start.
Cheers for now, Cate, as I go to my recliner for a "nana nap".

Hi Cate,
I hope you are feeling better today.
I didn't mean to imply that I thought either you or your boys are alcoholics. I just wanted to let your boys know how easy it is to lose the ability to determine what is most important in their lives if they let alcohol take over their lives. This country is really bad for encouraging alcohol abuse and you are the odd one out if you don't drink. I'm not sure if Tassie is as bad as Sydney, but I know up here alcohol abuse and binge drinking is the norm for a huge percentage of our population.
I just re-read my previous post amd hope I didn't sound over the top. I didn't mean to!!
Take care
Beck

Hi Beck, I feel much better today after a healthy days eating and a good night's sleep. Don't worry about what you said as I know you were very well meaning. I didn't speak to my son because you had suggested it. I had already decided to as I think it is something he should be aware of and be able to keep in check. I wasn't telling him something he did not know. He has a very good head on his shoulders & is very responsible. Excessive drinking is a huge problem everywhere I think. I only looked up alcoholism just to reassure myself really. I know I'm not and I know my boys are not but my hangover was so bad I just needed to read it. My father was a really big drinker and it was a problem when I was young. I loved him and was his favourite of 5 kids but I hated what he became when he was drunk. He started drinking light beer as he got older and was so much nicer. He had a huge capacity for alcohol and I think that is what I have inherited along with a lot of his good points.
Beck, Dont be afraid to say what you think. You have had such an unpleasant experience living with someone with a big drinking problem who has treated you badly. I understand your good intentions trust me. I appreciate your caring, xo Cate
Everything is back into perspective today.
I feel much better physically and have had another lazy day with my LH. I've mostly sat & read and finished "The Birthday Girl" by Stephen Leather. An excellent book.
I just popped in to have a quick look and will come back tomorrow in more detail. The Brownlow count is on and I quite enjoy it so will say good-night for now, Cate.

I'm feeling like my usual self today. I'm glad I felt so ill on Sunday and that I have decided not to ever drink spirits or liqueuers ever again. It's too late to say I wish I had decided to a long time ago. I probably have given the impression that I am a really big drinker but it has been about 4 years since I drank any where near as much as I did on Sat night but it worried me enough to put a stop to it. In the last 5 years I have been "drunk" twice. I don't like the feeling at all & usually stop when I feel that it is affecting me. I like to feel that I am in control and am a responsible person.
It's now history and I have decided it won't be repeated and I am moving on.
I remember how good I felt when I decided to give up smoking for my kids sake. I had read in the paper about the odds of your kids smoking a) if both parents smoked(very high-80 something%, b) if only one smoked(still about 70 something % and c) if neither parent smoked (down to only about 30 something %) and gave up that day. It was April 1985 so I can't remember the %'s exactly but I just felt so bad about it that I quit on the spot and have never had another cigarette. Our kids were only 3 & 5 at the time. Neither of them smoke. My husband & I also came up with an incentive for them not to smoke. We offered the $1,000 if they got through to their 18th birthdays without having a puff of a cigarette. As they grew older we reminded them and also included the proviso that it also included dope of any description.
They told us that their friends would often really try to have a puff and say "your parents won't know" but they have always been very honest and never smoked. When they each turned 18 we handed over the $1,000 and wished that we had made the bet 21 but it has worked. Neither of them smoke.
Today-
There is a lot of snow on the mountains and it is alternating between showers and sunshine but the wind is constant. I have Spring-cleaned my kitchen and the windows really sparkle. I can see Quamby Bluff clearly now from the kitchen sink. I have eaten only the original Cohen's food today again and will weigh myself tomorrow. I gave myself a couple of days to recover as I didn't want any bad news about weight dragging me down further.
I should go for a walk to get the mail but it is very windy. Perhaps I'll get on the bike instead. I won't have any branches coming down on my head that way! I was going to go down to the bush to dig up some ferns to sell at the market but decided against it for the same reason. Also I shouldn't really go on my own as it's a bit isolated if something did happen. Perhaps we'll go together tomorrow if the weather is better.
The computer is so slow as I'm on a shaped plan and have gone over the download limit. It's only for a few days though so I'll survive. It's either up-loading all my photos or my grand-son playing games online that's done it. It doesn't matter much.
Cheers for now, Cate

Have had a full-on day with my LH & we have got 3 loads of wood, 1 green for next year for us, a dry load for us for now & a dry load for our OS. We are about to have showers & then go visit the grand-kids and DIL.
I weighed myself this morning and I have lost anything I put on over the week-end but I do still need to lose 4-5kgs as it's been creeping up a little the last 2 weeks. I am not sure why this is but it may be too much fruit. When I make a fruit salad I'm inclined to eat too much of it. Not having any alcohol at all for a month will probably help as well.
I want to drop a few kgs before the Nationals at the end of October as we'll be away from home for 12 days. We are going to do a good shop beforehand & take a fair bit of stuff with us to our room as it has cooking facilities.
I had better scoot & have a shower and get on the move as we have to go out to 8-ball tonight, after visiting and make supper before we leave, cheers, Cate.

I woke up this morning feeling very ordinary & struggled to get out of bed. All day I felt nauseous & have eaten mostly soup. Soup for lunch, soup for dinner. I had to go into our local town and had to drop in at my MIL's. She informed me that a virus is going around with the symptoms I had which has made me feel better. I had been wondering what the heck I had eaten to make me feel this way & hadn't been able to think of anything.
I did my shopping with difficulty as I had left my glasses at home. I also had left a bill that I was meant to have paid. I was so pleased to get home.
A bloke came up to our place tonight to discuss a job that we have wanted to do for years. He will come back another time & do a proper measure & accurate quote. We have worked out how much we would be prepared to pay for it & have agreed to roughly the same upward price so hopefully it will be under that. It's mostly cementing near the house, getting ready for a verandah, plus some evening of the driveway. Eventually it will be a warm courtyard, just outside our entrance. Even in Winter it's warm as it's sheltered and faces North. I can picture it as an outside living area and it will also shelter our main entrance.
I'm still feeling a little under the weather so will go sit in my chair and veg out with the tv and my LH. Cheers, Cate