Well I'm feeling so much better today. I went to my doc, told her that I do need help & she is referring me to a counsellor & has prescribed me an anti-depressant (Zoloft) that has a very good success with anxiety in particular. She was wonderful. I knew that I needed counselling but the thought of it was making my heart beat out of my chest. The Zoloft will calm me down & will help me tackle the counselling. She is very intuitive & listens which is great. God I feel so much better about asking for help. I told her that I need a break from work & would like to quit but will ask for a few months off, rather than burning bridges. I also said I was really anxious about ringing them to ask for time off. She suggested that if I explained why & they said no that might help me with my decision. Funny thing was I had thought that while I was in the waiting room. I said I might write but she also suggested tackling the problem & ringing. I think she's right. I should do this before the end of the week to make it easier with their rosters.
Tomorrow I am going to cook some soups & freeze them. Before I left for the docs this afternoon I quickly made a tuna & vegie soup that I switched on as soon as I got home & enjoyed thoroughly with 2 crackers. I also had prepared a 1 day's fruit allowance (mine is 3!) into a fruit salad which I have just finished off. Delicious!!
I felt so much better after the doc's that I went to the supermarket & stocked up I don't have to tackle it again for a week. I will try not to put too much pressure on my hubby. He was going to go shopping tomorrow before training. He's so good.
I also called in just to say hello to my MIL & she was really good as well. She has been going through her clothes as she has been putting on weight the last year or so because of medication for an over-active thyroid. She has always been very image conscious & wears really smart clothes of very good quality. She had a lot of things on a spare bed that she said I could have if I like. There wasn't much for me as she's very short & wears mostly dresses or skirts. I did take a pink cami top.
She showed me her neat wardrobe & said she hadn't gone through her knits yet & that they were next. She had a beautiful fawn, fine woollen jumper which she said she had never worn as it didn't suit her, mainly because of her height, & told me to try it on, which I did. It fitted me perfectly & looked really good. I need a soft black skivvy to go under it & with black pants it will be great. She told me not to tell her daughters as it was very expensive! I think I will end up with more. She has never skimped on clothes & has about 4large wardrobes full. We like similar colours.
She seems to be coming to terms with her failing sight & was very positive today. I told her that I'm going to have time off work & take things easy for a while. Once again she was very supportive.
I think I will feel better after I have rung work so I will try to tomorrow. I will pick a time when I'm feeling pretty good.
I am just loving Cohens. I am loving the food, enjoying cooking my meals & seeing myself look better & better every day. The last week I haven't looked so good but today I looked in the mirror & felt so much better about myself.
By facing my issues I think I am also ensuring that I don't put this weight back on again.
The new Cate will take it easy for a while & get better, nurture myself, take up yoga again, grow more vegetables & learn to love myself so that I am better able to help others, but not at the expense of my health.
I won't go looking for another job. Down the track this might change but, for now I don't even want to think about it.
Tomorrow I am going to do lots of prepping. I do my grocery shopping once a week & then spend hours cutting up vegies & fruit & put them in separate labelled containers. When I go to cook, I grab the vegies that I fancy & then just make something up. I really vary it & I don't use recipes. I never used to cook!!
I hope I haven't made people miserable lately. It certainly wasn't my intention. It's because of writing in here that I am now doing something positive to help myself.I am feeling much, much better & it's all up (except for our sizes!) from here. Lots of love to all who are reading my diary. I will be back to my usual, cheerful, positive self very soon I'm sure. xo Cate

Hi, Cate! You're sounding cheery today, which is great, but don't apologize for being down lately. It is your diary, after all. If you can't be honest about your feelings in your own diary, where can you??? Besides, you NEEDED to feel that pain in order to start getting over it. Okay, mini lecture over....

I'm so happy for you, that you're taking control of your life. Enjoy your time away from work... your new wardrobe... your better, more clear relationships... your supportive hubby... and, mostly, your shrinking size!

Thanks Misty- once again!
I sometimes read over my posts & am amazed that I really let it all out in my diary. You see I have never done this in my life!
My son called in this morning to ask a favour & it required another trip(22kms return) to the local town & I said I didn't think I could on my own. My hubby said he would & I went with him. We tackled a few things today that needed to be tackled & I bumped into a woman that used to work for us who I was very close to. I told her how I have been feeling & it was just so nice to catch up again. I am going to make more time for the people I like & love from now on, including her. She knows a lot of the stress that I have had & we have always got on very well. I really like her- she's lovely!
When we got home I was exhausted but, once again, this is the first time that I have sat down. At least in here I calm down.
I rang work but my boss had gone home with a head-ache! (Irony here?)
I have left a message for her to call me when she is back at work. When I rang my heart was almost jumping out of my chest & I felt sick. At least when she rings me I will not know it's her.
My friend that I bumped into had first commented on my weight but probably because I feel like s..t I probably look it too she asked if I was sick. I guess also because my sister died of cancer it's probably what a lot of people are thinking. I have noticed some odd looks.
When I bounce back to my old self mentally they will soon know that I am well.
No deviations Cohen's wise- just quite a few mental ones. It does feel better taking positive steps to heal myself. I will have to start a list & then start checking them off. (Here I go again!)
I think counselling in the US is more the norm but in Australia is not as accepted. I think this is changing thank goodness. It has taken me a long time to take these steps & I'm still scared but I will do it. I have no idea when the counsellor will ring me to make an appointment because in my anxiety I forgot to ask! Took 1/2 a tab this morning & have felt a little queasy but this goes in a few days (hopefully). It takes about 4 weeks for them to work.
A funny thing has happened in here. I could have sworn I had 1 rep power yesterday & had no idea where it came from but today it's gone! Weird! I don't think I imagined it. Did someone read a post & rep it but then read another & rescind it? I have no idea how it works. Perhaps I imagined it- Oo wah! I hate moving smilies & would love to get rid of them so they are not wiggling about on my screen. I don't need that at the moment. It would be good if they were hidden.
Enough for now. It's fruit time. I must need a bit of sweetening up if I'm getting cranky! xo Cate. Be back later.

Hi Cate,

So happy that you are taking the steps to heal you, you are sounding so much more chipper.. so good to see!

Everybodies rep power has disappeared. I think you received 1 rep power when you posted 50 posts. 2 rep power when you posted over 200 etc

If you maximise this screen to 150% (bottom right hand corner) when your typing the smilies disappear..hope that helps.

Annie Lusion

Well I didn't come back yesterday but that's because I actually relaxed & watched tv.
Today I feel so much better. I'm a bit snuffly but my heart is not pounding & I'm just doing one thing at once. My boss just rang me & was very understanding. I really like her a lot. I can take the leave owing to me & she will call me in about a month to see how I am & what I think I would like to do. That feels fine. I think I know already that I would like to leave but it doesn't hurt delaying the decision.
I am so used to Cohen's now that it has become second nature. I am not even hanging out for anything, except not always having to weigh everything. I won't return to drinking much alcohol. An occasional glass of good wine.
God I feel heaps better!!
MIL dealt with, work dealt with, good health well on the way, lovely family....
Now I will just take it easy & look after myself &
I will soon be slim!

Today was a really good day. I didn't get anxious once. No heart pounding, no palpitations, was able to relax, did some cooking, food prepping. Didn't rush around at all. Went for a walk with the dogs when Hubby got home & feel like the old Cate again mentally. I really don't know why I felt so good but it doesn't matter. I will have counselling because the last week scared the living daylights out of me!
Monday morning is official weigh-in and my elephant ticker is going. Might replace the snake too. I'll let the snake eat the elephant early. time for something nicer.
I'm back!xo Cate

Just realised that I hadn't posted today. Had a very busy day-bit too busy. I think I am fighting a chest infection. I'm winning at the moment! I spent 3 hours cleaning my hubby's "new" car that we have bought off his mother. It was filthy- a combination of lots of sugar & cigarette ash mostly. Pretty gross! I had to clean it though because until it was clean I really couldn't let him take it to work as he shares the driving at the moment with a very nice, very neat, young woman. He may not have been embarrassed but I would have cringed.
My team, St Kilda are playing football on tv at the moment so will go back & watch. I needed a break from it as it's very exciting.
Not looking forward to tomorrow unfortunately as we are going to my MIL's & the family(not MIL) are having a talk beforehand. I would rather not be there. Also have stressful family(SIL especially) arriving early in the morning. Don't need the added stress at the moment. I have my whole day's food weighed out in the fridge, clearly labelled, so that I will not get confused. Vegies ready for my 1 egg omelette, prawns thawed, vegies ready for stir-fry to go with them, mince for tea, vegies ready to make a quick chop suey when I get home.
If I can still follow Cohen's when I have been so stressed then anyone should be able to!
Back to the footy-GO THE SAINTS! Cate

Hello, Miss Cate. Happy Mother's Day! Good luck dealing w/ all the stress of your upcoming family gatherings. You can handle it... you've proven you can handle anything!

Well Misty, Once again sweetie you were right. I did cope but the day absolutely exhausted me. I stated fairly clearly that I am stepping back from the responsibility of their mother. One sister started saying we should have a roster system & instead of counting us as one (my hubby really) she said Cate can call in one day, my hubby another & listed the brother & other 2 sisters (1 brother lives O/S). I waited until she finished her spiel & then clearly stated a roster of calling in or phoning is a good idea but don't count me in it. I will call in or phone when I feel like it. I did it! One thing at a time...
I took my prawn stir-fry & fruit salad & didn't for one minute feel like I was missing out on anything. A few of them looked at me with pity as they gorged themselves on dip made with sour cream, bread, rice, beef casserole, curry, apple & raspberry sponge with cream, red wine, liqueuers, chocolates etc (not all together!) You know what it almost made me sick watching them!
i won't go into too much detail because I really do love them but I have changed the way I feel about food totally. i probably would have eaten as much as them once upon a time. GROSS!
Food is my new medicine. What a mantra.
I wore my new outfit today and my hubby was really impressed. I hadn't shown him yet. It looks really smart & is very comfortable. My MIL is jealous I have realised because she said "I'm not saying anything about your new outfit because I know you're pleased with it" Figure that one out! It would kill her to say something nice as she is very vain & I am now her size or a little less & I don't think she likes that. Thank god for my friends & my hubby.
My sisters-in-law & my BIL are very big so I don't expect them to be too excited about my new size or to say much so when they don't Im only a little disappointed. None of them know how fragile I am because I've been very good at hiding it.
Am going for my 4 week blood test (a 80 km return trip) after weighing myself in the morning. My eldest son, his wife & my beautiful, almost 10mth old grand-daughter are coming with me to keep me company. We are going to go to the beach for a little while afterwards & depending on how I feel do a little shopping. I don't have any gardening/yoga clothes that don't fall down so thought a bit of op shop shopping would be a good idea. I will feel better with them with me.
I have to go cook my chop suey & then we have a nice night's tv for a change. I feel better sitting here typing in my diary. It calms me down & helps me get things into perspective.
Opening up is hard at first but is getting easier and easier.
Be back tomorrow afternoon with new ticker!! Say goodbye to the elephant! xo Cate

This ticker can stay for 4 wks. I think it means that I feel that I fit in more with the rest of the world. I don't stand out which I like & am slowly getting used to my body as it is now.
The day went ok. By shopping with company it probably created more stress than if I had gone on my own but wasn't a big deal. I bought some gardening clothes from the op shop & did a few things on my list-the most important ones. I had asked for company as I did not know how I would feel on the day & had to go for my blood test.
I am quite tired so will come back tomorrow & write about the day. I haven't had a chance to measure myself so will do that in the morning first.
Still going strong with the program! I'm getting there!! I now carry a Cohen's pamphlet in my bag to give to friends in shops who ask me what I have been doing & ask for more info about it.xo Cate

Well I have to admit that the chest infection has won. I went to the doctor today as my voice has gone, my throat hurts, can't breathe etc. I feel like crap. I am now on a very strong specific anti-biotic so should be better within a week. I'm very familiar with the pattern as have had many. I'm asthmatic & viruses always get me in the throat. I'm absolutely exhausted. I've fallen asleep about 4-5 times today already. I may sleep in my recliner tonight instead of trying to sleep in bed.
One thing I am really proud of is the fact that I continue on Cohen's, regardless & I have changed the way I look at food & medicine. I'm perhaps a little bit too set though when I won't even consider cough medicine or lozenges because of the sugar. I feel a bit like a zealot.
There is a post in the main thread that rattled me a bit. I Choose Life has chosen a different path & is not continuing Cohen's. I don't see this as a problem. It's not that easy for sure. I worry that people are now being encouraged to deviate. I will never get there if I deviate. After all I've been doing that all my life with food. That's why I became obese. I have already changed my attitude to food & my body. I want to be healthy & active,to enjoy my grand-kids & be able to get down on the floor with them (&get up), I no longer feel ashamed of my body. I have pretended that I wasn't but I was.
It's a big responsibility giving advice, especially when you are not qualified to do so. My diary was mainly to help me as I go & if along the way I have helped others that's great. I am no expert at losing weight & don't want to pretend otherwise.
I also know that since I have talked about my problems a lot less people post in my diary. We only want the good news. Life isn't like that. I am so relieved that I have opened up, including to myself. You can only bear so much.
I won't check this but I felt a little bothered about the post I just read & hope I haven't sounded sanctimonius about Cohen's. Sticking to it is the only way for me. I know what I'm like. If I started saying just one chocolate bar won't hurt I know that I would toss it in. I'm almost 54- if I stuffed this up I well past the age when it's easy just to lose it, like it was in my 20's!
Think I'll hit the hay, xo Cate

Hi cate,

You should be very proud of yourself for sticking to this 100%. You are one very strong and very inspirational woman. Good for you Cate!

I agree with you and sticking to this is the only way for me as well. I started this program with my sister back in Feb, she lasted 6 weeks and cannot get back into it now, she has gotten the taste of all different foods and finds it so tough to get back into cohen food. This is why I havnt and won't deviate, I know once I do , there will be no stopping me. You have to be so mentally focussed to do this and so strong. Cheers to us and the so many of us who have stuck to this and have had amazing results.

Hope you are feeling better soon.
I honestly believe that there are not too many people around at the moment hence the not too many posts around.

Annie Lusion

p.s Any plans for your birthday this week?

Hi Cate. So sorry you're sick! Hope you're feeling much better for your big day.

I agree, too... Cohen's is the way. It's hard at times, but it really works. I thought (until this past weekend) that Cohen's had finally taught me discipline-- and not just in eating. It all areas of life. Self-control is the thing I've been lacking. If it tasted good, I ate it, and no thought to consequences. It would be so easy to toss it all away after this weekend's deviations, but my days of taking the easy way out are over. And guess what? You're part of my inspiration! So... thank you. Have a good day.

Wow- Annie & Misty you both say the right thing to me at the right time. To say that I am inspirational just overwhelms me. I would be lost without your support. It means a lot to me- believe me!
I think we are strong inspirational people & are positive influences on one another. Annie thank you for saying what I wanted to say in the main thread. That really upset me. It was so unhelpful. We have a responsibility to ourselves & to one another I feel. I say what I like in here but try to be encouraging in the other threads. It isn't easy sometimes so then I read & get out.
Today I am feeling so much better, both mentally & physically. Also I had a good night's sleep. I think the anti-biotics kicked in almost instantly. I'm almost 100% certain I won't go back to my job but don't need to make a decision just yet. I'm taking one day at a time.
I think I'll come back later as I have just noticed the time. I'm not at all hungry but it's time for lunch. No idea what I'm cooking-chicken something or other stir-fry! I need to go shopping as there isn't much in the fridge. I'm going to start a proper vegie garden soon. I'll start getting it ready next week I think.
Hubby finishes training for his new job on Thurs so should have Friday off. If so I think we'll have a sleep-in & then head off for a drive towards Cradle Mountain & have a picnic somewhere by a stream. We'll dine out at a restaurant when I get to goal. We have a dinner voucher for a lovely restaurant in Launceston & another for a local pub that does really nice meals. They can wait until later in the year.
We will do a little bit of second-hand furniture shop browsing as I will get away with it on my birthday. I have cleared out my wardrobe so it only has things that fit me now in it. I need a chest of drawers to put jumpers etc in as I am going to be able to wear fitted knitted things that are best not hung. In fact I can already do that. It's so nice not to feel huge!!
I had my bloods done Monday & just got an email from my clinic saying" Dr Cohen has suggested that you reduce your water intake.....how much are you drinking each day?" I asked why & said that I drink lots. I have no idea how much I drink as I drink whenever I think about it. I have asked for an explanation to help me understand the reason behind the question. It will be interesting to get the reply. I think I have been drinking more while so stressed as well.
OK- better eat. Be back later.
By the way I got this silly letter yesterday saying that the Government initiative to make counselling more accessible is in such great demand that I have been put on a waiting list. Lucky I'm not suicidal! I found it depressing yesterday but funny today! xo Cate. This time I am going!

Cate,
Well done on the weight loss you are a true inspiration. I had a rough trot with meds and unfortunatly it sent me into eating mode...enough of me you are doing fabulous. My clinic quite often changes my water. I am now at 79 kilos and are on 3.5 litres. My consultant said that it prob is a tad too much still working on the 1 litre to 25 kilo ratio. Too much water can be as bad a too little on cohens.
Bee