I have gotten a lot of encouragment out of the other diarys of fellow cohenites on this forum. I didnt want to create another diary only to be like others in the forum. I want to use this diary as an accountability partner, and a place that is safe where I can share my inner turmoil. I want this place to be somewhere others can come if they experience similarities in their journey and know - Youre' NOT alone in this!

Much of my life has been about self medicating myself through various means to squash and plug the emotional pain. The lid to this can of worms has been completley blown off with Cohens and I have been forced to face my demons head on!

For the first 3 months on cohens I went great guns...I lost 27kg and things were looking up... but I hadnt dealt with the emotional side of myself which fought back and ive gained 13 kg back. Im in counselling and it is a really interesting journey on a daily basis for me as im rediscovering myself in ways - some good and some bad which are helping me see life differently.

I have used food as my substance of abuse for most of my life, even as an 8 year old I remember hiding my lollies and eating secretley. I have in recent years succumbed to bingeing and purging, in order to feel in control of something in my life.

Now as I embark on my cohens journey of self discovery I am forced to leave my past where it is and recreate myself in order to be healthy in my future.

Please, if you have had a hard time in life especially with food it can be so empowering to share with others and I invite you to contribute here, and share your fears, failures and hopes.....as I will be.

woops....totally forgot to update how I was going for today.

Well today has been a good and bad day. I started Cohens 100% again yesterday...and I am going through detox for the second and LAST time ever! Its so not worth deviating coz this headache is baaaad.

I had an awesome feta and greek salad for lunch which i will look forward to once a week, but I am sooo hungry....but I think it is more of a non-hungry-hungry if you know what I mean...I think I am bored and not busy at work today and have more time to focus on how crap im feeling. Its also because I have friends coming over tonight for a movie marathon and I know there will be non-cohens snacks abounding and I will just be sipping on my caffeine free diet coke and saladas. But oh well...friends are to be cherished regardless of the food I consume around them...I need to get past that idea that food = fun.... food should = sustance and vitality, but fun is derived from many other things than food.

I will fill you in tommorrow on how the movie marathon goes!

x pink

Hi Pink,
I love reading diaries so thank you for starting yours, another on my list to read.
Wish you all the best with it and look forward to following your progress along the way.

Annie Lusion

Congrats on starting again Pink. I know you will overcome all your struggles this time and it will all be worth it in the end. Best of luck hun....xxx

Pinksultana it takes a certain strength to face our fears and demons. A strength that I feel you have, certainly the distance you have come and the realizations you have made are an indication of this, to me at least. Good luck with your counselling and your last battle with the bulge.
Lauren

Just a quick posting....argghhh so I couldve done better with the movie marathon - a few deviations BUT all in all I am pretty a) sleep deprived and B) proud of myself for how I handled 24 hours of constant temptation

I neeeed to sleep so I have to go, but I will be back in the morrow with more insight into my journey thus far.

Today has been an ok day for me cohens wise. Probably because I have been so flat chat at work that even if I wanted to deviate I wouldnt have time - I barely had enough time to scoff my lunch between home visits. I like when im busy because it makes it so much easier to stick to the structure of the program. We are moving house in two weeks and I need to make sure im on top of everything so the routine doesnt go out of whack - because then it would be easy to deviate. But NO I WONT!

I was thinking today about how good it will be to get to goal weight. But I also wondered what it will be like. I have for soooooooo long hated my weight and it had been an issue, do you think something else will replace my 'weight issue' when its not an issue anymore? I know I will never think Im perfect....does anyone really ever?.... But I hope I dont get to goal weight and then suddenly decide I hate my nose or something....know what i mean?.

Well im looking forward to the biggest loser finale tonight. And Ive saved my fruit allowance so I can have mango and kiwi fruit tonight woohoo.I used to hate brussel sprouts but can I just say theyre really yummy at the moment! Its weird how tastes change, I find if I crave its for savoury stuff now - but before it was always for the sweet sugary junk.....

Well cohenites...be strong and continue to lose the only thing thats holding you back....fat!

Today started out well like any other day... I went bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister. Its exciting, as although im a size 14, come her wedding in November I will be a sexy smaller size...10...12 i dunno....I cant wait to walk down the aisle as her maitrin of honour feeling confident in my skin!...

but I have finished today like a deviating maniac...I continue to ask myself why do I even want to deviate? why do I see food as so comforting when in actual fact I dont really get enjoyment out of the deviation - its just the thought of gaining comfort from food that drives me, but always I deviate with no reward - no feeling of comfort at all, just bitter thoughts of failure and sadness!

I need to change the inner workings of my mind! How does one even begin that process?

I cant deviate anymore, it is doing too much damage to me! Not any more!

I wonder whether subconcsiously I was feeling crappy because my sister was looking way hot and I was frumpy in the dresses we tried on!

hmmm...

Also one thing Ive notoiced when I deviate is that I sort of say in my head oh well Ive stuffeed it now, I will just make the most of today and start afresh tommorrow, and I end up eating heaps of junk saying I will restart the next day... stupid mind tricks....I was drinking a hot chocolate as I was writing this but I went and poured it down the sink,Its time for me to do thisthing!

Someone in another post mentioned they have cualiflower and chesse mashed up....well its my new faveourite recipe and Im loving it! That being said im having a mind-attack right now....im trying to keep myself busy because I keep thinking about the goodies at the cafe across the road....it will be good when we move in 2 weeks, because there wont be temptation just a few metres away to play on my mind!

Hmmm I might go and start packing some boxes to keep my mind off!

Hi peoples

Well its day 3 of me being back 100% on the wagon and I feel so happy and proud of myself. Its only been a few days, but I know I can do this! I feel like I can acheive this now...Im in the right headspace. I walk past a bakery every morning before work and as I went past this morning I thought to myself...yeah the donuts look good, but I dont need them, and I can do without all the junk for a few more months.

I tried the dieters tea because I was a bit blocked, but it gave me terrible stomach cramps - i might have to go half strength next time.

11 sleeps until I move house, how exciting.

Arggghhhhhhhhhhhh I just had to get online and vent - (totally unrelated to cohens) Im at work, I am a social worker who works with families with young people aged between 15 and 18 who are at risk of becoming homless....anyways I was just on the phone for 40 mins getting yelled at by one of the parents who wants me to come and take their kid off them....which is totally not my role and I cant do that....its so hard to sit there and take so much abuse by angry parents - poor things are just venting because of the crap family situation theyre in, but still its hard being their caseworker!

Anyways I am in no way tempted to turn to food to make me forget that crappy phone call so that is a good thing!

Pink

Stick with it Pink, I have been through the same thing. Just keep taking one day at a time and focus on that. You WILL get through this and you WILL win. Try smelling the bad foods. Somebody else posted that they just smell the donuts for example and that is all they need. I thought that that would only make me want them more but it doesnt. Strangely it is satasfying.

Hi Guys

Havent been around for a bit - sooooooooo busy organising things to move house on thursday!

One thing I used to love but now hate about my job is that I take clients out for coffees and lunch all the time, on works wallet which is nice....but its so tempting to have a latte or cino instead of a long black at the moment...I just had a crisis at the offica at 9:01am this morning and i have the biggest headache and so just want to munch into somethin yum and relax....grrrrr food is so eeeeevvvvvvillllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll and tempting at the moment.

Hi Pinksultana,
I find that chewing gum for a few minutes stops me from cheating at high temptation moments- especially when I am cooking dinner for my family. It's not so much that I have the gum in my mouth, it is more that I feel like my teeth and breath are clean and fresh. Although I am sure you can't chew gum with clients, maybe if you pop some in before you meet them the minty fresh feel will stop the temptation.

Also if you regularly go to the same cafe to eat maybe you can organise with the staff that you get a Cohen's meal as "the usual". Then you wont be faced with the choice of deviation vs spelling it out in front of the clients.

Good luck with moving.
Kristi.