Hi all, I'm new here, not just to this forum, but also to talking about my weight issues.

The anonymity of this forum makes me brave enough to talk about myself - that is what i joined this forum for - to spell out issues, and to face facts, so I am terribly sorry if this long long post bores you!! I must warn you I have nothing new to say - my problems are old, admitting them is the only new thing about it

A few lines about me: 29 year old woman, happily married, generally happy and cheerful, friendly, educated, successful at work (although currently on temporary break) considered bright, funny and helpful. Am independent and generally a together sort of woman.

And then there is the weight story. I was a skinny child - I come from a culture where that is NOT considered a good thing. Through the first 10 or so years of my life, i was cause for much worry and object of much (negative) attention, while my only brother was a chubby kid, doctor's nightmare, grandma's secret pride. We were each other's examples. I guess it worked - he is skinny now, I'm fat.

Just around puberty, I gained a whopping 30 or 40 pounds, going from very skinny to somewhat plump, and it has been a downhill slide since then. Around puberty, I started eating more - i was hungrier more often, and ate with a lot more than i used to. I went from chubby pre-teen to decidedly fat teen - inferiority complex, emotional eating, the whole she-bang.

The weight, however, made me an over-achiever - I did well in college, i built myself an excellent career, and with every achievement came an extra 10 pounds. The fact is, I never was more than 40 - 50 pounds over my ideal weight, but I am just 5 ft 2 inches tall, and that is really a lot to lug around.

I married my best friend from college and we are very happy. Apart from being a wonderful person, he is also an extremely fit, handsome man - and my primary source of motivation. he is supportive, helps me eat healthy, and works out with me. While my parents continue to say "you are just big boned, pumpkin, will you have some cake?" (think Nutty professor's family!!), my husband helps me stay focussed.

Goals didn't work. Wanted to hit 20 slim, didn't happen. Wanted to hit 25 slim, didn't happen. wanted to slim down for my wedding, didn't happen, and I cant bear to look at my wedding video.

Then things started moving. I started at 165 pounds in 2004, am now 140. Moving out of my country with my husband helped. But I've been here for a year - the last 20 pounds are a killer to burn off, I am not able to stay focused, my diet has fluctuated, I find myself desperate and losing hope.

Some 10 days back I started what i call a final "surge", I don't care how many times I failed in the past - I refuse to turn thirty while still being fat.

I eat about 1000 calories a day (but all healthy - eggbeaters, LOTs of veggies, some fruit, very little grain carbs), and i run for an hour and a half at the gym - i burn about 500 calories on the treadmill everyday. The thing is, I am not very athletic - it is not easy for me to stay on the treadmill for 75 to 90 minutes - I am not allowing myself emotional escape routes or excuses - no skipping gym, no emotional eating. And having to go (for the first time really, in all my life) without these escape buttons, It feels like a scary emotional detox - as i run, a lot of strange, suppressed emotions well up. I feel sad, anxious, alone, self-conscious, out of my depth.

At the end of it all, i understand that weight gain is NOT about eating. it is essential about suppression. I have generally been considered a woman who is always in control - family, friends and colleagues have depended on me to make and implement decisions, circumstances have made me many people's rock. The truth is no one is entirely pulled together and confident - having everybody's trust is a terrible burden to bear - food is the crutch.

There I said it.

I am not used to speaking about my problems. i am not used to asking for help. If it weren't for the anonymity that the internet offers, i would never have dared do this. None of my friends or family know how deeply i feel about this.

Finally, this has turned out a very long, and probably not very engaging post. Still, i would love to hear from anyone who cares to share.

- Skinny wont tell her name.

welcome to the site...

Sounds like you've much more going on than weight -i suppose you can fix what you can fix... just make sure you're taking care of you....1000 calories a day is not an effective or healthy long term solution.. I strongly encourage you to spend some time reading around the forum - especially the stickied threads and learn what a healthy calorie range for yourself is..

Bearing the weight of everyone elses problems are tough - you might also want to seek out some professional help to help with that... you can't be everything to everyone...

Hi maleficent,

thanks for the comment

1000 calories a day does seem too low, but really, i'm eating very well - I eat a 200 calorie cereal breakfast (kashi + skim milk), a mid-morning fruit snack (usually an apple), a 400 calorie lunch (usually eggs and vegetables and/or beans in a low calorie whole grain tortilla), a late afternoon snack of carrots or cucumber, and lots of melon for dinner.(I've never eaten dinner - i cant sleep well if i do).

While I too am concerned about 1000 calories being too low, i do feel like i eat constantly, and healthy...

I will look around, like you suggest. I'll see what other people are doing. Thanks again!!

Skinni.

From your diet, it seems the low calorie thing might be related to the fact that it doesn't seem like you get very much protein. Are you a vegetarian?

If not, I would suggest you add a few hundred calories with a few (2-3) servings of meat, chicken, or fish a day. (If you are, maybe some peanut butter or other legume-related food products.)

The extra protein will help you pack on some muscle at the gym, which will in turn help you attain your target weight goal.

Welcome to the forum!

Hi maverick, thanks for the suggestion.

I'm not a vegetarian anymore, although i was one till recently - i got the same suggestion from my husband, so i started to eat fish and white meat chicken. However, I only eat them on weekends or whenever my husband cooks them, because I'm still freaked out about having to handle meat

I do try to make up by having eggs (egg beaters, rather), milk, and some variety of beans every day, but i realize that might not be sufficient... I LOVE peanut butter, but I tend to eat too much of it if I have it in the house, so I dont buy it any more :/

I'll try ad figure out a solution - probably get my husband to grill some chicken breasts over the weekend and then refrigerate them for my lunches.

Thanks again, I'll try to get that going right away!!

Skinni.

Hey, couple thoughts came to mind as I read your courageous first post...

Control is an illusion. You know that you've been using food to suppress your thoughts/feelings and those feelings wash over you when you aren't busy doing, doing, doing. It's OK to have feelings and even feelings that don't seem "strong and in control."

In my experience, people who are "in control" are not free and open and vulnerable. Some don't like to drink because it may make them vulnerable to do some thing without careful guarded thought. Some don't like to do new things, because they are worried about having a "wrong" reaction and being judged by that. At our cores, within our souls, we long to be FREE. You can either be in control or free. Being "in control" is operating out of fear, being free is operating out of love. It's OK to be the wise one and the rational one that people come to, but that doesn't mean you need to strip emotions out of your life.

When you get out of your head (thoughts, doing) and into your heart (emotions, being), that is when you will truly love others and yourself. Things may seem crazy and "out of your mind," but then you will be "in your heart."

We all forget to love ourselves everyday (I forget too). Some things I do... Look into the mirror and deep into my eyes and peering at the soul that is residing within those eyes (some times that makes my eyes water up, that's when I know I realize I'm not some thing or robot, but a being/soul), or I might just stop and think for a few moments about either how I "love me some me" or about my achievements to date and how I'm proud of myself (why not love yourself for the 25 pounds you've lost, and not hate yourself for the 20 pounds you've yet to lose).

Being "in control" and being responsible are two different things. Some people may read this and think being free precludes being responsible to yourself and others. You can be free and responsible. I can expand on this if anyone likes.

Paydirt, thanks for such a WONDERFUL post. I know everything you say is true, and I admire you for saying it - i wouldn't, because it would seem all "emotional" and "out of control" ) But really, i cant be blamed - i was schooled in India, in a convent run by repressed spinster schoolmistresses who had mastered the art of "control" over feelings, and were diligent about passing it on to us )


You said it!!

Thanks again

- Skinni

PS: Elsewhere, i saw your daily calorie intake - I incorporated some of it into my dietery routine - especially the yogurt - seems like a great way to up my calcium intake. I've been afraid of anything that looks like icecream, even though i know non fat yogurt is perfectly healthy

During my run today I listened to a little Blink-182--Adam's Song, Let's Do It for the Kids, I Miss You. It got me pretty emotional and tears welled up in my eyes and maybe I looked silly if someone were watching me closely... but I felt strong and the emotional release actually helped me ignore the pain of the run. It's my belief that we are the strongest when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, when we let go of the things that we use to protect ourselves from ourselves.

Being vulnerable doesn't mean being stupid/irresponsible.

The best run I ever had was when I hadn't run for 2 months and simply believed that I could run 3 miles without stopping or walking. Something I previously thought was impossible, esp since I hadn't run and was 45 pounds overweight... I believed that I could do it non-stop (and believed it in a no-business kinda way). That triggered an emotional response/release in me and I literally cried for half the run, but I couldn't have done it if I was not crying. I wouldn't have had the strength if I wasn't vulnerable.

I'm not saying that people should be emotional when they workout, or even cry. It can be cathartic for me and sometimes gives me great energy. Emotion can also sap energy too.

Paydirt,

i totally know what you mean, and that is probably what happens to me when i run - I am usually not an outwardly emotional person (If i cant keep a cheerful face, i dont take my face anywhere - not a good code, but I've been living by it all this while!!)

Yes, running is something i've never done in my life - I find it hard to do, it really pushes me to the brink of my physical limits, and then there is definitely this emotional release....
That was an unexpected thing for me, but now, i find it very useful...

i kinda see what some people mean when they say they work out when they are upset.. Doing something physically challanging helps work emotional issues out... I certainly feel that now...

But the thing is, THAT is precisely what I enjoy best about running, the energy high after an evenings run really leaves me feeling refreshed...

it is really great.

By the way, this forum has already helped me in a big way! Woke up late today and we went out for brunch (we usually do on saturdays), and while I've been dreading the restaurant visit the whole week, i managed to unclench, relax, have a good, sensible, even slightly indulgent meal without sweating blood.

I had :

1. cup of navy bean soup,

2. HALF - PORTION of an entree with vegetables, grilled chicken breast chunks and mostaccioli pasta(indulgence - but only a little!!) tossed in marinara. (half portion in caps because I'm a compulsive clean-plater - blame it on spinster schoolmistresses again - i usually order a full portion, get full midway, and then chomp through the rest of the plate just to feel virtuous about not wasting food)

3. Coffee (black, no sugar)

These were my personal victories today:

1. Ate a tasty, filling and reasonably healthy meal

2. Managed to avoid grease and cheese, without feeling left out on flavour and fullness.

3. Lunch conversation was NOT dreary monologue about what I was eating, how much calories it had, what side was a mistake, should i have had fruit instead? aaarrrgghh!! Conversation was pleasant and light, i was engaging, witty (as opposed to high-strung and paranoid and squeaky) husband charmed by change

4. I need to feel a little naughty to be nice - the pasta (I ate about half a cup cooked) did that for me.

5. I didn't take sneak peaks and hungry gawks at other people's food, and wishing the worst to those who seemed to eat nice things. I was full, I felt human, in fact I was a shining example of civilized behavior. )

6. YAY!!!!!

Now I know I wont obsess over food for the rest of the day (and wallow in self pity over how little I got to eat), and therefore, will actually be able to eat better through the rest of the day. Fruit, a nice cucumber salad tossed in mint and cilantro...

THANK YOU GUYS!!!!

- Skinni.

Congratulations on your brunch and the half serve, and avoiding grease, and feeling satisfied!!

I actually think it's 100% good that you had half a cup of pasta. If it had been me, I would have had the same amount, and done it on purpose to feel virtuous about balance and keeping my blood sugar levels even (which is helpful as far as continuing to eat well goes).

It looks like your diary is getting off to a great start. Good for you!

Thank you felici!!

) Now I've to go get to the gym - the place is closed over the next two days :s

So I need to build my work out credit

Cool!

regarding point #5... We must _embrace_ and admire the success that other people have with respect to goals that we have for ourselves. If we are jealous and have hateful thoughts about their success, then we are simply resisting success for ourselves. When I see a dude at a gym that has little body fat and is in great cardio shape, the first instinct is to be jealous, but then I say to myself, "great for him! I will look similar to that!"

At work, I interact with a lot of clients and I actually ask the healthier ones if there's a certain healthy food they make a point of eating everyday/week and what they do about exercise. Maybe I ask the right way; no one has rebuffed my questions and slowly I'm recruiting an army of successful people that know I have a nutrition and exercise plan.

My ex-girlfriend HATES it when people that have nice cars, nice houses, or can pick up and go on vacation whenever. One of her goals is financial freedom, but she's NEVER going to get there as long as she is extremely jealous of other people that have what she wants.

Paydirt, you are absolutely right.

Jealousy gets you no where, if not to absolutely hellish places.

But as for point # 5, I was kidding ofcourse But honestly, when you've been starving for weeks, it takes superhuman strength of character to wish the cheesecake eater well, dot you think? Hahaha!!

By the way, just got back from the Gym - today is weighing in day - and HURRAH!!! I lost 1.6 pounds this week, after a plateau of about 6 months!!!!!!

I cant stop grinning. You should see my face now, it is ridiculous.

welcome to the forum.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. 1000 calories is way too low for your body, even though it may feel as if your eating a lot. Focus on upping your calories, and don't frustrate over the number on the scale.