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This week has really been great, I have been 100% on my program and even last night when I went for a girls nite out, i did not deviate ... I had made sure that I have eaten my full portions and I orderd a fruit salad without the bells and whistles. I only ate the fruit on my plate that is on the plan and even my friends were amazed that the big vacuum cleaner (me) is so disciplined.
It felt great to realise that I have control over what I ingest - just because it is food, I do not have to eat it. I am grateful that the penny is dropping. It is not the end of the world, if I do not have the food that others are eating, and if it is the end of the world, well, who cares about food then.
Yes Tina, indeed, great new clothes in the latest styles ... yipee
A bit of trepidation ... I have been less than 100% since Sunday ... it almost feels like going to the guillotine
I had been so good, went out with hubby and kids, made sure to eat my full meal 2 before in the car on our way there, preoccupied myself with window-shopping and reading half a book when they went for lunch, had my water and TAB ... everything was going so well
When we came back, I went to see a friend and they had mango pickle - haven't had that ina long time even before Cohen days ... so had some of that, well, i have not regained sanity since.
And what frustrates me is that even in the morning when you wake up your body tells you that "you have been doing something wrong" but I am telling you, this fickle mind is just too weak ... so much about having control! I am sabotaging my own progress!
So will see tomorrow what the scale says ...
Will let you know!
Last edited by GJeans; April 1st, 2008 at 01:37 PM.
Hello GJeans
I have to tell you something a little funny. I read and posted on my thread before I read yours. And it sounds like we have had the same type of day. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have come to far and seen such great results to turn around now. That is the great part about time going by it makes you work harder to keep it off.
I do feel it is good that we stay hard on ourselves but not toooo hard. All we can do is make better choices the next day.
I think it is so great to have someone on the other side of the world know what I am talking about and feeling. Good luck my friend.
T
I have now lost 13kg in 8 weeks/2 months. It feels good, but laced with guilt, so although I am happy, I cannot celebrate much because I know I was not good and it is going to catch up with me sooner or later. One of the things I guess that make it less of a celebration is that when I read posts of other people on Cohen, they seem to be doing so well, not cheating, losing huge amounts of weight (fat) ... it just looks like I am not achieving much in comparison. I also so wanted to have pushed into the 70 zone, even if it was 79.9999999999, but ag, there is next time.
The good thing is that I got my multivites today and so I will be taking them again, I think I have not taken any since the 8th of March - I misplaced them.
Hey Tina, this is such a great photo, your dog is beautiful ... but I must say, me and snow are not great friends, I love our mild winters and sunny summers. Yes, it does help to have a companion on the journey, makes it lighter ...
That's it for tonight ...
Last edited by GJeans; April 2nd, 2008 at 12:46 PM.
One of the things that being on a strict plan (and deviating a lot) is forcing me to do is to look at my relationship with food. I have come to realise that up to now, I have always used food as my comfort, my friend, my enemy, my crutch. Whenever I needed a salve to my real or perceived problems, I have always let food take centre stage - it does not ask back now does it, it does not give you other alternatives, it is just there, and there was a lot of it in my house.
Then there has been a love-hate relationship going on, I think about the times when I have completely deprived myself of the joy that food can be only to repay with gorging myself stupid on things that are technically not food and therefore not good for me.
I look again at how I have cooked huge meals, enough to feed 2 families and all under cover of "if anyone comes over ...". I would then dish out huge portions not only for me but for my kids (oh my goodness, mercy me) and husband. Then there would be the "vacuuming" that comes afterwards because I can't let it all go to waste, and it will not be as good if left in the fridge overnight - mad woman!
Being on Cohen's and taking the portions that are sufficient at this stage for my body, has made me re-evaluate how I prepare and dish for my family. I look at the amounts of fat that I now take off all food before preparing it, and somehow just over 2 months ago, all that chicken skin and beef fat and whatever would go into the pot, soak into the meat and ... no wonder I was fat!
I am not yet where I have a healthy relationship with food, not by a long shot, but I am glad that I am learning something new everyday. My kid's nanny has even told me that she can see that their preferences have now changed - where they would want sweets, there is now fruit (ok, there is hardly any sweets in this house any longer save for the last 2 easter choc eggs). That for me is the real win, because I do not want my boys and girl to go through life held prisoner by fat and defeatist attitudes.
Being fat, and I guess most people on this forum would agree, puts you on the back-foot, you are judged harshly by society whether right or wrong and you are perceived to have no control. You judge yourself so you present yourself to the world already less than what you are.
One of the things that my hubby has now said is that as I was getting thicker and thicker, one day he looked at me (I was walking in front of him) and he realised that I looked older. He could not dare tell me then because the feral cat would have gotten out of control. And as he says this, he reflected on himself as well how he was getting thicker and thicker and how now that he is eating healthy and going regularly to the gym (he has lost probably 10kg or more since January) even his colleagues are now vocal about how is looking thinner and younger ...
Enough Socrates ...
We are going to a friend's child's 1st birthday party, it is the dreaded braai, I have offered to bring chicken and salad. I will have to pack my own meal and take my sugar-free drinks. I do not want to deviate.
I failed dismally to keep to my salad and steak at the braai on Saturday. I tried so hard but eventually we ate later than what I had reckoned and by that time I was really hungry. So I had some of their meat, nothing about it makes me any proud. KFC has given way to the Braai as my absolute nightmare! And as we are scurrying to enjoy perhaps the last of the autumn sunlight and warmth, more and more of my friends are talking about Braai get-togethers. I just need to find an excuse not to go because clearly, I cannot control myself around lots of people and the smell of meat on the coals.
My only saving grace is that I did not have the cake... a sink full of dishes can be a real help. A few of us escaped the butter-icing cake by chatting as we washed and dried lots of dishes.
Sunday was also not my best ... it is true, once you have cheated, it gets easier to cheat again, and again. Really, why weekends are a problem beats me, hanging out with friends around food is definitely not helping! I cannot believe I can be this weak. This is where I continue to realise that my relationship with food is far from healed! It even makes me think of going for hypnosis
I have to do my 20 minutes skipping before I crash ...
I am finding that my journey is revealing a lot of things ... sometimes I cannot help but stare at my reflection at the change that I am seeing, at other times, I cannot stand to look at myself because I still see the fattie with the big belly and dimpled thighs. It is in part saddening.
While I still feel very encouraged by people commenting on how I have lost weight, it doesn't all the time make sense because immediately a flood of questions bubbles up: why did I let myself go like this, what if I cannot maintain the weightloss after the programme, what will my next life-changing event bring etc.etc.
Today a friend asked me if I felt lighter already and unfortunately I realised, I do not as yet feel lighter, I still feel big ... I tend to remember how I felt years ago when I weighed this much - i felt trapped in fat then and even now though I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I feel I am still way too deep and too far for it to matter.
One of my colleagues also commented today that I must have lost a lot of weight in the 5 weeks plus that I have since joined the company, and somehow I was unable to acknowledge that I have indeed lost weight. I felt shy and embarrassed to pat myself on the back, or was it that I felt shy that they had all noticed that i was large?
I dont know, coming so far on this diet is uncharted territory for me. I have never kept at something for this long to actually see where it leads me. I guess this journey stands to reveal even more about me.
I intend to peel layer after layer while literally shedding layer after layer of years of fat (a self-inflicted injury)
I had been ill in the past few days - also went to see a relative who is very sick and that just added to my woes ... but hey I am back.
The somehow unwelcome ill-health left me feeling very sorry for myself and I did two things badly, 1: I couldnt eat properly and take my water as required and then 2: I then made up for it with comfort eating.
I am going to the scales tomorrow and I dont think I will have lost anything.
I need to make sure that I recover fully, so I am off to bed,
Hello and Welcome!
I'm truly saddened to hear about your struggles through life. To lose your loved ones is really hard emotionally.
I've had a hard time changing my life, I've been up and down with my weight, I'd eat one day and then fast for a few days. It's time I eat right and exercise.
We are humans and we all make mistakes right? Keep doing what you are. Don't worry about one Mistake, worry about what's ahead and how life changing this will be.
I didn't go to weigh on Wednesday, I just thought I know I was bad, the scale is going to say I was bad, I am going to feel worse, so ... I am going next week Tuesday. I am feeling pretty good about the weightloss so far, yesterday I took my monthly photos and it is amazing how compared to on the 12th of Feb I have shrunk ... I guess it is almost like THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING WOMAN, wow, what a difference a few kilograms of lard can make.
Tina, thanks for the love. I am feeling much better, the antibiotics are really cranking, and so have gone back to proper eating, except for just now (Friday supper), but hey I am not complaining much. Hope you are well - I will pop in to your diary and see how you have been doing, you better have been good for both of us girl!
Thank you 4everSome1Else for the encouragement. Even though I have lost much, sometimes I am grateful about it especially when I see someone really sick - both my parents passed away suddenly while they were in relatively good health and seeing my grandaunt this past weekend and all the pain that she has to endure because her body no longer wants to carry on is heartbreaking. But I am also grateful that my parents did not suffer. Time heals and with every passing day, I learn to appreciate even the tough times.
So 4EVER, what are you doing in the way of eating or exercising? I hope you find something that is suitable and works for you ... I must be honest, having tried so many things before. it is such a relief that finally I have found something that works for me. Dont answer here, I will try to locate you (just like in THE MATRIX) and pop in to your space.
I don't know if I mentioned this before ... I sing, I sing at church. Sometimes I even do solo pieces ... I am singing this Sunday (the VIA DOLOROSA) for our regional conference alone on the stage with only the backtrack. I have to practice, I like singing but I feel uncomfortable on the stage, all eyes on me. It was made worse by my constant feelings of "unworthiness" by being fat. I want to sing well, but the butterflies have already started ... So be thinking of me.
I dont know if I will have time this weekend to post any entry. If I am unable, everyone, have a great weekend, stay focused, we can win this thing!
Last edited by GJeans; April 18th, 2008 at 11:05 AM.
Your very welcome GJeans
It's very hard seeing someone going throught what your grandaunt is. It must be hard but it also must be keeping you on track as well. Everyone has their days, but it's better to leave pain free then to live with it every day.
I'll let you fine my little space and you can ask me all you want on there =)
I hope to see you around very soon
Its been a long time since I last posted - life has been a bit hectic. I am travelling a lot for work, spent some time in the beautiful Cape Town - though I didn't take in too much of the sights because I worked at least 10 hours a day while there.
Same night I came back home, my cousins called to let us know that my grand-aunt has passed on - even though it sad and painful, knowing what she had to endure in the last few weeks, I am grateful that she is now spared the pain. I will be taking a trip tomorrow to go to the hometown to see my cousins and family and take time to remember who she was and how she impacted all our lives. I do not think it is going to be an easy time for all of us but it has to be done! The last few days have really got me back to thinking about death and how it has affected me and so on, so I have to constantly have my thoughts in check because I know how I tend to be swallowed up by the storm.
As regards the eating plan, I have really not kept to it, I cannot say for sure why I am battling but I find I am not too bothered about keeping to the right quantities and everything. It seems like the last thing in my life that I need to be focused on. Yet, I know this is exactly how I have ended up 30kg plus overweight in the 1st instance. There is something about the comfort that food brings. I have been thinking about how the pain seems to stem from the gut, and food seems to deaden the throbbing because it ends up around that area. I keep telling myself I need to be aware, vigilant and on guard - but some days I almost realise along the way that I am again falling into the trap.
The last time I went to weigh, I had lost 1.8kgs so I am now almost 15kg less and I need to focus so that I can continue to lose and regain some sanity and overall health.
Thank you dear Tina for the post, be thinking of me and praying that I will remain focused and strong. Yes while it might not seem like the most important thing for me to do at this point, I know I need to hold on to this and reclaim my control and my victory.
I am still alive, i have not been doing well in the month of April in general, as a result I have had a disappointin 2.8kg loss for the whole month - I cried.
I have not lost as I could have because I have really not been keeping to the plan - with travelling so much now, was in Port Elizabeth this week and going to Bloemfontein tomorrow, I am not in control of what I eat, I cannot really control how it is prepared. I have tried to make the right choices, fish and salads etc. but I still end up sneaking biscuits in between and hardly eat breakfast, I just feel to pay R90 for a hotel breakfast only to have yoghurt or 1 egg is a waste of money.
And it has not helped that when I am at home, I crave all sorts of things that are really not good - I have been having lots of bread and crisps and all sorts of junk that frankly I know I should not be having, so that is why i have lost a measly 2.8.
The good news is that this has shocked me to realise that I am getting out of control, so I have started slowly to get back on track, I am sitting with a tall glass of water as I am writing this entry and I am having tuna salad for lunch. I am going to be a little more strict with myself so that I can redeem any thread of respect and control I have.
That's it for now ...
You all have a wonderful week and keep on keeping on!
You have come to far and seen such great results to turn around now. That is the great part about time going by it makes you work harder to keep it off.
I also so wanted to have pushed into the 70 zone, even if it was 79.9999999999, but ag, there is next time.
Who is that looking at me from the mirror? 
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