Where to begin..

It's been a weird few months to tell the truth.
I've basically gone, for lack of better phrasing, 'off the rails' in every aspect of my life.
I feel depressed constantly but find myself hiding it as I'm too scared to talk to anyone who cares about me or to worry them.
I have my exams in college at the moment and I'm so stressed out, I keep getting down because I'm totally failing at my diet and drinking to 'drown my sorrows' which doesn't help at all.
My friends all have their own problems so I don't feel like I can turn to them but I'm totally screwed up.
I keep binge eating too and then making myself throw up.. its horrible.
I won't even be hungry but I just shove chocolate and things into my mouth before I can even stop myself and then throw up.
I've cried myself to sleep the past few nights and everything is just really getting on top of me.
I don't even know why I'm so upset.. I just feel like a complete failure. I suffer really bad anxiety and whereas I used to have a completely positive outlook, it's now completely flipped over.
I hate it..

Welcome back - sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now... and it can be a lot overwhelming...

Pick one thing... and work on getting that where you want to be -maybe getting yourself thru exams... once that's done -move on to the next thing... it's a lot easier to do one thing at a time.. .than it is to try to fix a whole pile of things....

Hang in there... you aren't a failure -failures don't seek help... you'll get back to where you were and where you want to be..

I just feel so messed up and want to make some big changes - inside and out.

there's a quote froma book I've used around here quite frequently... from the book The Power of One...

and loosely paraphrased the quote is that a waterfall starts with a single drop of water and look what it becomes...

What's that mean - Small changes lead to big changes...

Start somewhere... dont stress over trying to make all changes at once...

Okay,thanks. I'm having a better day I think it's probably because I got all the above off my chest?

Anyways, thank again x

It was sad to read your post. You're really in a lot of pain. If it helps at all, I can tell you that it really helped me. I can relate to the way you feel, although we're at very different stages in our lives. Somehow, taking time off of thinking about my problems and concentrating on yours helped. I'm also off the rails, as you say. I've had one hip replaced, and am having the other done in a few weeks. I've stopped working, and have decided not to go back because it involves standing all day, and I don't want to wear out my new hips. I also hate it, and have been doing it for 25 years. I have a wife who I'm just realizing hasn't loved me for years; just been hanging around to cash in on me working my ass off. I do have 2 wonderful kids, thank god. I'm scared to think where I'd be without them.

Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks for you post, and I hope I helped somehow. Take it day by day. Start small. I know you can do it.

I forgot to put as well that I've been self-harming. The more I do it the more I hate myself and its like a vicious circle.

When I look back and try and work out how long I've felt like this for, it seems like forever?

I mean, I look back to some pretty amazing memories but for as long as I can remember.. if everything hasn't gone 100% the way I've wanted it I've been really down. It's hard to explain. I think I've always sorta had depression 'underlying' or something? I dunno.. as I say I can't explain it.

That's what I do, I pride myself on being the 'agony aunt' of my circle of friends because that way I'm helping other people and getting my mind off of myself. I feel really.. almost selfish now though because it seems as if you're going through a lot more than me and I should be able to just suck it up and get on with it. Its easier said than done though. I've got my health, I've got a good family life and a great set of friends. On paper everything is really good...

I suffer with anxiety really badly and am constantly worrying about all kinds. I just have no confidence or faith in myself at all.

Do you cut? Have you had any counseling about it? I'm sure you know that it only makes things worse, but I understand "having" to do things. I get that way with other things. I'm sorry you're going through all this. I felt awful yesterday, and finally called a friend and went bike riding with him and his family. The change of scenery really helped. I feel shitty again today though.