going to try & remember a joke someone sent me by text recently...


a man goes into a pet store & sees a sign saying talking centipede £500...

he thinks wow!! how cool is that?? buys it...takes it home in a box.

leaves box open while hes getting ready to go out...

he shouts to his new pet...d'you fancy going for a drink?? (so this particular centipede drinks apparently too...)

no answer...

while putting his shirt on he shouts again...well?? d'you want to go for a drink or not??

no response...

talking centipede my arse he shouts walking over to the box...

suddenly he hears...



keep your fucking hair on!! i heard you the first time...i was just putting my fucking shoes on...

i am sooooo slow...i'll admit took me awhile before realised it wasn't a pub/bar
...good one though!!

Name where this joke comes from....



What's red and green and goes 85mph?





A frog in a blender!

Kindergarten?

Ha. no.
It's an actual movie, but that joke cracks me up still.

JoeCartoon.com

God I am old.

always enjoy a good laugh

I was feeling depressed so I called Lifeline.

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was feeling suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Q. What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

HA!!!

A guy walks into a sex shop. He's interested in purchasing a sex doll, so he asks the owner for help.

"Ok", says the owner, "what kind do you want?"
"What do you mean, 'what kind' do I want?", asks the man.

The owner then explains to the man that they have different models.

"We have two different models; American and Muslim", says the owner.
"What's the difference?", asks the man.

The owner answers, "Well, the American model comes with a pump, but the Muslim one blows itself up!"

Ahahaha!

Funny. Wrong, but funny.

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, the old man "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except..." and he stopped."

"Except what?"

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me ! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

"Ahh, but you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said

"Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

Businessman "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted, saying "it wasn't for sale", but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say...

"Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said:

"Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"

Hahahaha! That's a good'n

When little Johnny was 8 years old he was very curious. He heard older
boys talk about things like fucking but he didn’t understand what they
meant.
One day little Johnny went to his mom. "Mom, what’s sex?" His mom was
surprised by this and simply replied "Well, Johnny, why don’t you just
hide behind the curtains in your older sister’s room one night and watch
her and her boyfriend."
For once little Johnny did what he was told. He told his mom about it the
next day.
"Well mom, first my sister and her boyfriend came into the room and sat
on the bed together. They started kissing each other. I think my sister was
feeling a little sick because she started to moan. Her boyfriend layed her
on the bed and took off her shirt. Then she took his shirt off. They kept
kissing and kissing and kissing. Finally they sat up and sis took her pants
off. Her boyfriend did the same and I saw why they were sick. There was
this giant snake, it was huge! About 10 inches, I swear! Sis gasped and
exclaimed she had never seen one that big. She, apparently hasn’t
played in the backyard much. Anyways, sis tried to kill the snake by biting
it, but it didn’t work. Finally her boyfriend grabbed a small bag and stuffed
the snake into it. They went back to kissing and the snake crawled up sis.
Neither seemed to care though. After a little more kissing I saw the snake
again. This time it was dead. I knew it was dead because when sis’
boyfriend stood up the snake just lay there very limp. I dangled between
his legs. I think it was stuck to him somehow. Any way, he sat down again
next to sis and they started kissing again. That’s when I realized the
snake wasn’t dead after all! It jumped straight up again!. Her boyfriend
laid down on the bed and sis sat on the snake, trying to kill it. I didn’t see it
for a bit but the next time I saw it the snake was limp again. This time it
was dead for sure, because sis’ boyfriend took it’s skin off and flushed it
down the toilet."

This one can be filed under the "undeniably cute" category...

http://icanhascheezburger.files.word...s-ymca-cat.jpg