August 8th, 2006, 05:09 PM
Major Depression and Weight Loss
Before proceeding, I want you to know, that I am aware of how long this is. But I've confessed my bones out (well, kind of!) and even if ONE person read this, it would make me feel much better and less suicidal.
I was around nine years old when I weighed 29 kilos (64 pounds) and by the time I was ten, and almost hitting puberty, I had jumped to 35 kilos (77 pounds). I'm twenty-one today. I am 5 ft 2 inches and weigh 140 pounds. Ever since I stood on that weighing scale ten years ago, I don't remember a time that I woke up and slept without feeling miserably fat, and I don't remember eating without the feeling of guilt. Mind you, I don't go around talking about my body to people because I don't like coming off as booby and whiny, but - I cry like a baby when I look at myself in the mirror. I always had lovely friends, I was a good student, I was friendly and I participated in several competitions throughout school and I always landed first place! But - sports, pah! I never participated because I wasn't comfortable with wearing shorts on my thunder thighs. However, I got several compliments for my looks. The most popular boy in school (whom I was madly in love with since I was eight years old but didn't tell anyone) actually asked me out. I did go out with him but wondered whether he thought I was fat. When I would ask him, he'd say 'you're normalí. Notice he never said I was thin . Anyway, he left the country so we had to end our relationship. I missed him loads of course and felt he that no one else could love a fat girl like me the way he did, or something like that.
However, I never enjoyed any attention I got because I felt any type of focus on me, meant focus on my body. And as I grew older, I started to feel that people just liked me because they thought I was pretty and smart but no one really looked beneath that. No one realised that I had to constantly fight with the strengths of all the gods and goddesses to find the normal confidence it took to achieve something. I didn't study or do well in activities to please others. I did it because I enjoyed it. When it began sinking in how alone I felt, I slowly distanced myself from most people and my grades started dropping. My teachers pushed me, and told me I could do better but I couldn't get myself to care. I missed my ex-boyfriend. More than anything I began loathing my figure yet I couldn't stop eating. By this time, friends, teachers, everyone started telling me that I was gaining weight. It hurt loads because it was my biggest weakness and it was stopping me from doing a lot of things. I then realised how throughout my school life, despite all my accomplishments and popularity, the one thing that burdened me was a hatred for my body. I remembered how it felt being ten years old and 35 kilos and here I was - 17 and still fat. Fatter even. As a preteen and teenager, I did a LOT of yo-yo dieting. I didn't read much about health and fitness so binged and purged and believed it was a smart way to maintain weight. I had will power but I never committed myself. Why? I don't know. I don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't battling my insecurities. Whenever I set out to achieve something, I always did. I have always been a fighter. But lose weight I couldn't. And to date, I remember every single time that someone told me Iíve put on weight.
After high school, I took a year gap and decided not to goto college. Why? Because I wanted to lose weight! I know it's crazy but back then, it made sense. I didn't tell anyone the reason though and people often wondered why I chose not to goto college. I didn't really care what they thought. And guess what? I LOST 16 POUNDS! I was down from 136 to 120 pounds. That was 10 pounds away from my target weight. However, I did it without exercising. Once I hit the weight loss plateau, and my weight stopped coming down, I began feeling miserable again and started binging. In a week, I gained 2-3 pounds and within two months, I was back to 130 I felt like such a loser. Anyway, a year later, I joined up a diploma programme at a college far away from home where I made wonderful friends. The social life and studies again got underway. I began thinking less about my figure. But Ė people often made comments about my body. Some nicely - that I look cute even if Iím chubby. Some not-so-nicely, would give me exercising tips. And you all must know how it feels like when someone else points at the one weakness of yours you are tired of fighting. So again - I started to hate my body and got into binging and purging. And Iíd like to mention that because of the stress of studies and being away from home, I started suffering from hormonal ups and downs. I developed thick facial hair underneath my chin. That just tore me apart. I stopped socializing. I donít even want to begin describing what it felt like. Being a fat twenty year old FEMALE with beard. I completely quit taking care of myself. I would eat more than ever (gained a further 6-8 pounds) and never exercised. I hated life. I thought every achievement I ever made was pointless. I started believing my future was lost, that no man was going to marry me because I was unemployed and had no university education and I had beard and I was FAT! I quit school despite getting straight As in all my modules and went back home. I stopped staying in touch with my friends. The loneliness started killing me so much that one day I attempted suicide. Of course, unsuccesfully. Itís when I thought even death was not going to rescue me. I didnít want to die. I just wanted a way out. So my parents helped. They remained as close to me as my skin. I refused to see a psychiatrist. I wanted to rely on them and myself to get well. Dad paid for a hair removal laser treatment despite its cost. That got taken care of so I should leave it there. It hurts to think about it. I slowly got back to what I loved. I started writing and even got nationally and internationally published. I travelled a bit. When I returned (around end of 2005), I could choose between continuing college or working. I chose neither and decided I should work towards losing weight. It hasnít helped. I STILL binge and purge. I STILL dislike my body. I joined a gym in February, but stopped going. I donít know why. I thought I wouldnít lose weight. I lost a little but gained it again. Iíve been going on and off since then without committing to a low-calorie diet. Iíve become very energetic but I havenít lost weight. After a year of going through emotional hell, it feels great to be able to get out of bed and clear my mind and realise that there is a future out there for me. But when I look at my body, I still hate it. I love fashion so much but whatís the point when nothing looks good one me. (Iím a UK size 12 Ė 14 and Iím short) I feel like Iím watching life go by instead of participating in it. While making myself feel better, Iíve even changed my taste buds. Iíve quit white bread, fizzy drinks and burgers, but chocolate is my weakness. If I have a piece, I end up having the whole bar. One bar leads me to chips, chips leads me to french friends, etc. I end up in self-loathing. Sometimes Iím not even hungry but I want to eat. I have tried replacing that habit but itís not difficult to fall back on to.
I want to try and confess to someone but I'm embarrassed. If my friends read this entry, theyíd be surprised because I normally come off as very friendly, happy, and confident. Not someone who is into looking her best. Thatís REALLY not true. Being slim is probably a lifelong dream. I want help. The depression might seep in again and cause me to kill myself. Other than seeing a psychiatrist, what suggestions would you give? How do some extremely obese people lose weight and mildly overweight people like me don't?
August 9th, 2006, 07:22 AM
Ok, so I have to tell you a few things. First of all to answer your last question...why are bigger people able to lose weight while smaller people can't? Well first of all bigger people have more to lose (not that it's easy for ANYONE) but the more there is to lose the more there will be lost. Does that make sense? I hope so. Also I feel it important to tell you this, as someone who's had the exact same feelings about life. Death doesn't fix ANYTHING. I have very stong beliefs and I'll tell you, death is simply the next "stage" of life. Who you are here, what you like, dislike, how you feel, this is all part of YOU. Death doesn't change YOU. You are special. If there's something about you that you don't like, you can work on it, but trust me death is NOT the answer. Now on to something slightly different. Can I ask if you like your eyes? Maybe your nose? Smile? Hands? Feet? Every morning spend some time..some REAL time at least 10 minutes looking at that body part that you like. Think about it, think about how you feel about it, how others feel when they see your eyes, nose, smile, hands or feet. (Would you believe my favorite body part of my ex boyfriend was his beautiful feet?) Think about what that body part does for you EVERY day, every hour. Imagine if you didn't have it, or it (they) were different. Pick a different body part every week, or week and a half. First remember to APPRECIATE who you are, and not only that but that YOU are not just a body, that's a big and important part of who you are, but not the only part. Ok, I also want to comment about how you refused to see a physcologist, do you realize that a lot of times we avoid the thing that will help us the most because subconshusly (sp?) we're scared. The truth is that your issue is not about weight, I don't know you, so I can't say what has hurt you, but I'm betting a phycologist would be able to help you figure it out. You're not fat, to be completly honest, I'd LOVE to be your size!!! You've got my dream size body!! There's a lot of weight lose tips, but I'm not gonna give you any because you don't need them. Well that's not true, I'll give you this one. Make sure you're drinking lots of water. It helps you lose weight, PLUS helps keep your WHOLE body healthy. From what you've written I can see that your parents love you and are worried about you...please let them help you, don't brush off seeing a specialist. Binging and purging is not about food, it's an emotional thing. Good luck!! Stay positive!!
August 9th, 2006, 08:53 AM
Hi there! I also don't think you are overweight, but I would have to look up your BMI to know for sure.
Anyway...that isn't why I was replying. I know you don't like to think about the hair that came in on your chin, but I am going to bring it up. Have you been tested for PCOS? Women that have PCOS suffer from things such as facial hair, difficulty loosing weight, and much more. Do a search online and see if there is information on the symptoms. I would definitely get it checked out because it can be helped!
August 9th, 2006, 10:27 AM
This is therapeutic! Thank you so much for you replies.
I'm going to check about PCOS (I'm scared now ... nevertheless, I should go on and see if I have any such problem ... )
I know I'm not obese or unhealthy. It's just that my weight lies in my hips & thighs. So it's very unflattering. I wouldn't care if I weighed this much as long as my weight ws evenly distributed you know.
I don't know why I can't stick to diets though. Well, what I mean is, stick to a proper routine-based diet. I do for a few days and then go back to unhealthy habits.
August 9th, 2006, 06:34 PM
There is nothing to be scared about PCOS. My sister has it. It is actually more common than you would think. Definitely check it out though. My sister was fortunate to never grow facial hair, but it had huge affects on her fertility. She & her DH had a hard time having kids due to her PCOS. She ended up on fertility drugs and has triplets! LOL!!! I am an auntie to triplets! Anyway...I could go on and on about PCOS, but I will just let you do an online search for it because there is tons of info out there on it.
August 9th, 2006, 06:40 PM
In regards to this, I totally understand. When I weighed 170, I hated my body. All jiggly, big butt, big stomach Then I started doing this exercise video. Nothing too strenuous, but it had some cardio, which was fun when I turned up my own music, a little light weight training, and some ab work.
I wouldn't care if I weighed this much as long as my weight ws evenly distributed you know.
And let me tell you, even though I only ever lost 10 pounds, and was still overweight, I got more toned, and I felt better about myself than I ever had in my life.
It sounds like you are just dieting, but in order to shape your body, it needs some sort of exercise and muscle toning.
Also, I agree with the above posters. I think you should talk to somebody. I'm glad getting it out here is helping, but you really do need to get through the root of the problems.
August 13th, 2006, 02:58 AM
You sound like losing weight is something you really would like to have happen to you, but lack the willpower to accomplish it. If you believe in God, ask him for the willpower to help you through this. I did that after being over weight for 5 years after having my kids. I finally got sick of who I had become and started out slowly working out everyday and now, 6months later am reaching my goal. You probably don't want to go to a gym (I don't either) and that's ok, try a workout video, any work out video (I would Recommend Richard Simmons because he is such a positive and loving person) and stick with it. That's the main thing STICK WITH IT and you'll start noticing a difference in your soul first. That is what you really need to mend first, then your body will follow suit. God Loves YOU!
August 14th, 2006, 04:13 PM
It is very hard to stick to a diet! I don't know why I just start binging food... I promise myself I'll reduce my portions but end up hogging like a hungry pig and the thing is, I'm not even hungry!!!!!!!!
August 15th, 2006, 12:37 AM
You probably don't want to hear my thoughts, but because of the binging and purging, and the suicidal thoughts - you really should see someone - not sure how the UK works - here, you don't have to see a physchyatrist, you can see a counciler.
You've revealed alot of personal thoughts in your first post. Here is something about me - that has driven me to mass depression, and I am seeing a counciler because of it (finally, after saying I didn't want to see one for years)
I'm 29, married, and have had 2 miscarriages. Not only that - but I found out my uterus was all mis-shaped, and had surgery to fix it, only to go on to have another "miscarriage" or what is called a chemical pregnancy. I cried and cried and cried. I was so pissed because so many people were getting pregnant - and they didn't deserve to be, and I did - I hated so much of life. I wasn't suicidal, but I cried all the time.
I am seeing a counciler. I didn't beleive in counciling. She is helping me so much. She has tought me that I still need to persue getting pregnant, but to concetrate on weight loss - not because she looked at me and thought I was fat - but because I expressed unhappiness with the way I look. Well - that's what brings me here.
I agree you are not obese - you are possibly mildly overweight - and it is easier for heavier people to lose faster.
PCOS was the first thing I thought too. As someone who has gone through some infertility, I have read alot about women who have PCOS. As the former poster said - that will attribute to having facial hair, and cause weight gain (it is hard to lose weight at the same time)
My friend at work - has PCOS. She has the facial hair (waxing constantly) - and she was overweight.
She worked hard, and she has given me clothes to give to my sister. She is 5'4" and looking at the tags - she was up to a size 24.
She is now a size 12 - and she is still losing weight.
Weightwatchers, yoga, and excersize helped her.
I'm sorry - I know you don't want to see anyone to help you - and I respect that, I really do - when you are ready, you will do it - and I can't push you to. I respect your decision, and am glad you came here - and I hope that it helps to vent.
August 15th, 2006, 10:36 PM
Hello Jenny - don't apologize at all! I am here to let it out and in return, I am ready to read whatever someone else would share with me regardless of whether I know them or not. I'm not in the UK. I'm in the Philippines. Isn't it amazing that despite where we come from, we all have common emotions?
I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. I don't think the sadness can match anything I've ever encountered. I think depression doesn't really have a rational reason. Probably some negative thoughts and insecurities that we keep ignoring all our lives subconsciously cause it. And maybe it is the same with me and I use the inability to lose weight as an excuse?
Anyway, about your miscarriages, I would like to share my aunt's experience. She has had seven miscarriages, all of them when the pregnency stage was well above its 5th month! It wasn't due to PCOS or anything but something else she got solved and after the seventh miscarriage, she went through three very, very difficult pregnencies and is now a proud mother of three beautiful kids. To date, she remembers and wonders how the seven babies that were never born, are doing in heaven, where they are, etc. But still, the point is she never gave up.
I know the 'never give up' strategy is something you and I should use in weight loss too because it's very difficult and easier said than done. I really don't think Ihave PCOS. My facial hair is gone after laser treatment and also, I've never missed my period. It's always on time, not very painful either. I don't have acne or dark skin patches that PCOS patients normally have.
The worst problem I face is I eat when I'm not hungry! And I never tend to feel full!
Your friend's very strong. I'm sure she feels and looks great. I wish her all the luck. Take care and thanks a lot of reading. It really helps.
August 16th, 2006, 01:42 AM
This is soooo me. My problem is that I snack, constantly. I do eat until I'm full at meals, but will eat when I'm not hungry all day, all evening. I now keep a huge glass of water at my right hand; instead of reaching into a bag of cookies, I pick up the glass and chug it. I also keep my hands busy, so I'm not sitting idle. I'm on the computer, doing scrapbooking, reading, going for walks, etc. It has helped sooooo much, that after 15 days of this, I almost don't notice the lack of junk food.
The worst problem I face is I eat when I'm not hungry! And I never tend to feel full!
I also don't deprive myself completely of stuff I love, even if it's bad for me. Otherwise I would probably binge after a while too. I allow myself a bit of pop every day, and if I want a bit of dessert after supper, I will have it. Then I go for a walk to burn it off.
I hope you find someone to talk to. I have been suffering from depression myself, and have found someone (through my public health nurse) who comes to town once a week, and is free, I think. I'm going to give it a try.
August 16th, 2006, 08:12 PM
I'm glad it didn't upset you that I mentioned a professional even though you said you want other advice. I know it can get annoying when people do that...
It's so hard to give up on old habits. I quit smoking - and it was so hard to do, and I put on weight trying to get healthier.... my counciler told me that in the US, more people are quitting smoking, and that is one of the reasons that the US has more overweight people than ever before.
You have to change your way of thinking. This is critical. You have to not think of yourself as fat and disgusting - but think of yourself as smart and beautiful. A habit will break once you create a new one. Create a new healthy habit.
Your smart, beautiful, and food will not make you feel better.
Please - if the binging and purging persists - see a professional. This is a hard thing to overcome on your own.
August 18th, 2006, 12:37 AM
Thanks for your kind words.
I'd like to mention honestly here, that counselling is frowned upon where I come from. It can be used against me at any time. I can keep it confidential but my own family doesn't approve of it and I can't really keep it confidential from them now can I? And it's also very, very expensive. In US, health insurance covers everything. Here it's not the same. We'll have to pay loads for every session. I'm a student and can't afford to. As desperate I may feel at times to get some help from outside, I'll need to break a brick wall to get myself through with it ... I know this is a very negative attitude ... but that's just how it is here. Plus, I've had an awful day.
I mean, today itself, I ate loads. I don't know why. And I'm hating myself. I tried to throw up too but then realised, I cannot keep doing this to myself.
I feel so lost at times. I just don't know where to look for help. I don't like turning to anyone because it's embarrassing. People believe eating diorders are personal weaknesses. In the US, I've heard people go through rehabilitation spending hours a day. Hours is a long, long time. So of course it proves that it's not an easy cure. I understand I cannot do this on my own but I also tend to feel sad about that. At this point, NO ONE can help me but ME. And I don't feel strong enough. I just keep praying for a miracle.
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