I rarely if ever title my entry's. For one I would end up with the same title for the majority of them and for another it just takes to much thought really..........LOL

Last night I had reality do a firm slap on my face. It wasn't pretty and I certainly don't feel good about it.

Let's start with the confessions first.
I find it amusing that there are times that I don't want to put in the diary the things that I have eaten or the outrageous amounts thereof.
In the long run I am only "cheating" myself by not being honest. There have been times were I have totally pigged out on things that I should never have. The sad thing is, I was completely aware of what I was doing at the time.
Sitting down and eating frosting from a can is an awful thing to do. Worse yet is to get it into your mind that you want it and actually making that special trip to the store to by only it. And then lying to the cashier that "yep I must have forgot to get it the last time I was here". Disgusting I know. Then trying to hide it from everyone.
Waiting until after my kids are in bed to eat something because, "I don't want to share it." Actually letting that little voice in my head talk me into trying to make myself sick after eating something. For the record it never worked. I am just not a good thrower upper.
In the last year I gone from 230lbs to 184lbs. I wish that I could say that I was still at 184. That was an accomplishment. I hadn't been down to that size since like just after high school.
I can't quite put my finger on why suddenly things went so wrong. I have gone back to look over my weight loss chart and I can see a definate time frame for when it started. But I can't figure if it was MIL arrived and I no longer had the time that I use to to devote to my journey, summer arrived and things just got soooo busy so began to eat for conveinance sake, or the possiblity that my seasonal depression that I held off for the better part of 6 months finally overcame me. Maybe it was when I hurt my shoulder. Using that as an excuse to "take a break from exercising." And apparently from eating well too.

Regardless of any of those reasons/excuses something somewhere stopped.
And getting back on track has been ohhhh so very hard. I want to, I really do. But at the same time I can't seem to control what I am eating. I know all I need to do is eat less and of course better. But it is like there is this little me inside my head that just keeps going on and on and on about how good that McFlurry would be. And that it's not a big thing 'cuz I can always try again tomorrow. Except for it feels like tomorrow is never going to get here.

And maybe sometimes tomorrow does get here only to slip away a few days later.
Watching the number on the scale go up and up on a daily basis you would think that I could buckle down and "git-r-done". But not really I just continue to watch the number go up. Jumping off the scale with a sigh and a shrug.
Why can't I seem to get back to that place that I was 12 weeks ago? And why is it that the weight can go on oh so much faster than it came off.
It took me 12 weeks to get back to the number that I weighed just before Thanksgiving. That number is......207......*cring*. That was last October. In 12 weeks I put myself back by 8-9 months of work. Again disgusting.
Now on to that reality check that I told you about............
MIL likes to sew and has been making me a few really nice dress shirts. Now I know that I have put my weight back on in my belly/hip/butt area. I can still get into my size 16's that I was so proud of not so long ago. But let's just say there's more than one muffin top going on here! LOL I think I got the whole bakers dozen.
Anyhow I digress, MIL measured my hips 8-10 weeks ago and came up with the grand number of 48 1/2 inches. Sounds like alot I know. But when taken into consideration the size I started out as (I don't know #'s but can tell you there was no way at all I could even think of stuffing myself into those 16's) that was pretty darn good. Well she measured me again yesterday. I am so embarrassed the new number is 51 inches. In 12 weeks I "grew" 2 1/2 inches in my hips!!!!!
She also measured my waist. Now my waist by no means was tiny 10 weeks ago, but I didn't have all those muffins hanging around. Ten weeks ago I measured 43 inches on my waist. Yesterday I measured 48 inches!!!!!
How did I let it get this far?
Who knows.
But as of yesterday I laid down the determination to beat this back.........again. And this time I WILL WIN!
I can't keep going on like this.
I am miserable in my own skin. Feeling like a piece of fruit that is so ripe it is gonna pop. All I want to do is sleep. My back is hurting again. I am grumpy/crabby more now than before. I feel really aware of my size especially with working in the YMCA fitness center.
I want to be a better role model for my kids. Heck I want to stick around for them. And if I can't get this back under control than I will have failed at both of those things.
No more hiding food.
No more "special" trips to the store for that "forgotten" item.
No more getting up 15 minutes early just so I can run thru McD's so I can have that breakfast sandwich.
And definately no more lying to myself.
I am the only reason I am in the position that I am.
All those other things are not nescessarily in my control. But what I eat is.
And beginning right now I will be in control.

confession is sometimes good for the soul and gets what's eating at you- out and you can move on from it...

Being in control is a good thing but it can also cause a lot of stress within yourself...

As has been suggested often around here when people fall off the wagon... pick one new habit you want to work on and get that habit nailed down and then move on ot the next one.

no more hiding food might be a good place to start -as well as asking yourself why you are hiding it...

One step at a time.. and you will get back to where you want to be

I commiserate with you. I too have (disgustingly) bought food in secret and stuffed it down, not even enjoying it. I don't know what it is that gets me to that point, but now I've learnt to KEEP motivation up... it's easier than creating it from scratch again!

You can do this.

Wow, that was a great post. I am sending you the absolute best motivation vibes that are possible to send over the internet!

I loved reading your post - because it was so honest! I have never really had the problem you are talking about - I've not been more the 10 lbs. overweight - BUT don't hold that against me because believe me - ALL of us have our demons! Mine was credit cards! I battled for years, charging them up, lying to myself and everyone, and then suffering to pay them all off. I probably did that at least 3 or 4 times before I finally, finally said "I'VE HAD ENOUGH". I haven't had a credit card now for 5 years - and I won't ever get another one. Unfortunately, you can't do that with food. You gotta eat right? So my hat is off to you to try and figure out how to live with your demon. All I can lend you in the way of advice is to realize that it feels SOOOOO good to win!! I think writing out how you feel is a great way to start taking control. Keep it up!

Thanks so much Susan!
Since the day that I posted that little tid-bit I have dropped 4 pounds. But I also had a set back day. Yesterday. However, where before I would have said "See you really can't stay on track anymore" I have told myself " It was just one day, lets start from this point now"
I can totally relate to you on the cards thing. I too had issues with money. Except mine wasn't so much over spending as it was just making sure the dumb bills were paid on time. I would panic over a $10 bill and never pay it. EVEN THOUGH WE HAD THE MONEY!!!! Silly I know.
Allowing it to incur late fees. Which then really made me panic. And of course from there on out I would try to "hide and cover-up".
I finally coming clean to my hubby when we started the financial program, "Financial Peace" by Dave Ramsey.
It was the best feeling in the world.
This forum for me is very much like that financial program. I know that I can come here, be open about my mistakes and know that there are friends here who will help to pick me up, dust me off and say "now let's try this one more time."

Thanks Christy I appreciate it!

What a great post! I hope that helps you to write it out and let it out. I think that will really be your first step!

I love it whn people get real.. I can relate to this soo much. I have found myself many time in the past doing exactly what you mentioned.. ohhh im off the read more posts of yours Bella!!!

Thanks
I am glad that you looked it up.
I needed a new kick in the pants. And my letter was just that.