first.. sorry if this is off topic on off topic, i didn't know where to post.

I think i'm a bit afraid to start. and frankly i don't know where. i've been fat all my life, as far as i can remember. as an infant i was eating more according to the doctors because i was born prematurely. but later i always knew something happened that turned my eating into and addiction. i think of it that way, since my feelings towards food and the way the cravings work is not that much different than for example heroin addicts have, even if their crisis is more painful phisically.

now i'm 28. i'm communicative, i have job that i love, friends that are there for me whenever i need them. i never had problems with bullying, on the contrary, even if i was fat, i never had problems making friends or having a boyfriend. but on the inside i was unhappy. less now. but only because i finally know the reason. i finally know why i am emotional eater, why i continuously end my diets, why i find ways of having just one more bite (it won't kill me).

there are two reasons. the first one is the fact that when i was around 3 or 4 my dad was working away from home. this is something that made me very angry. when he would come back after a month or two he would hit a bottle, which made me even angrier. soon when i would express my anger i was silenced and sent off to my room. and i would suddenly become hungry. and would start to eat. after a while this became a habit.

second reason is something that happened when i was 8 or 9. this was a good period for me and i did start losing some weight, i was always playing outside, dancing or singing, i even participated in some dance competitions. and then we went over the summer to visit my grandma in the country. there i remember that her stepson who was then 27 was showing me his privates and telling me how i am going to be so beautiful when i grow up and how men will want me. after some time i started developing, like any other girl, and this scared me because he said that this would be the beginning when men will start wanting me. i started gaining weight again. and i kept it ever since...
this is something that i remembered few months ago. my parents don't know and i don't want to tell them because they would probably face him with this. i haven't seen him since i was 14.

now is the first time i'm facing these issues. and i know i have to stop defending myself by eating and to stop eating emotionally (whether i'm angry, sad, happy or bored) i just don't know how. i need help

Hi lena,
Well, the first step was posting here, and you've done that. So you've already started, even though you feel you haven't!!
It sounds like you've had a bit of a rough road with food and your weight. You're also carrying with you a lot of "stuff", and that stuff, for emotional eaters, is the base of the problem.
I don't have any profound answers for you, other than starting out by settling some goals for yourself. I don't necessarily mean weight goals -- they'll come -- but personal goals. Maybe it'll be to go just one day without eating as a response to stress. Maybe it'll be finding a counsellor or friend to work through some of that "stuff".
Yes, it takes work to lose weight, but unless you start to much through some of the underlying stuff, losing weight will be next to impossible, especially when it comes to keeping it off.
But you've come to the right place for a start -- lots of fantastic people, plenty of support and challenge. Welcome!

hey shirnking thank you so much for your support.
i know that the 'stuff' is the problem. and to tell you the truth all my life i knew i was running away from something, and finallyi know why. i tried running some more and realized recently that i don't want to run any more. i need to face my fears and change the way i react to things. it's nice to know there are people willing to help
i do have goals in front of me. my main goal is to feel sattisfied and to learn how to react to stress by not eating. and not just stress but practically every emotion. and for first time in my life i am actually ready for this. just need some place to let my walls down.

again thank you

hi lena, i just joined today and your story sounds alot like mine ive been fat always but my dad however was never there in fact i dont know him but i also had some bad sexual encounter as a young child. I was well over 300 pounds and just started so simple i mean very simple moving my arms in front of the tv ect. i had no idea where to start but i finally did and started to feel better than i thought i could...next i got a recumbant cycle and rode it in front of the tv(trying to ignore the effort i was puttin in i suppose)anyway i lost around 140 pounds so i just want to tell u it can be done and it is so worth it...you are so worth it. I got sick from an addiction to caffine pills recently and was in and out of the hospital and ive gained 40 pounds on steroids and bloodpressure medication but today i am starting over and if you need someone to talk to and offer encouragement let me know b/c i know i have needed plenty! Excersize is the way to do it in my oppinion and diet pills can be very dangerouse...i have learned this the hard way, plus i didnt lose anymore weight on the pills i simply traded one addiction for another pills for food, not a good idea.

thank u sleepless this support means a world to me. i will hit the gym next week (they're on holiday this week) i even told my friends that if i start making up excuses to take me by my hand and take me there. but i don't think i will make any excuses. i am so determined like i've never been in my life. and it is so much easier to do this if you have a place to let your guard down and just let go. maybe this place will help me do that. i even decided to start my diary here. only i think it will be more 'my raging in time of need'
i've never used any diet pills, i'm kinda scared of those things and i know that the only way to lose weight is exercise and eating properly. once the body is healthier so is the mind. somehow easier said than done.
by the way i am so proud of myself for not having any cakes or too much of everything for this Christmas. since i'm in Croatia (for those who don't know where that is it is one of countries of ex Yugoslavia, east of Italy), for New Year's Eve we here usually have prosciutto and cheese and some meals which you don't find very healthy so it will be very hard to resist.

You don't have to resist completely, just eat it in moderation.

Heya's Lena,
Welcome to the forum!! I know it is hard
but with a little motivation and support you can do it!
I am doing a lowcalorie diet that seems to be the easiest
to stick with out of everything I have tried!You still get to
eat pretty much anything just make it in a healthier way or
buy some of the already dinners and lunches!
Have a great weekend,Tammy