Okay, so I'm starting a journal. I didn't think I needed one, but I do think I'll become annoying pretty quickly if all I do is post questions on forums or make observations that have only to do with me (I do post other stuff, though!!) so here I am. Hopefully some of the folks on the board will have time to read my trials and tribulations and have something to say about it, good or bad.

Here's my health situation, from the beginning.

I'm 34, 5'4", and currently weigh 227 lbs. The first diet and exercise program I ever did I began two years ago this month (March 2005), and was prompted to do so by my weight (274 lbs), my high blood pressure (which my doctor just wanted to put me on meds for, no serious talking or encouragement to make lifestyle changes- my mother's been on BP meds for my whole life, I do not want maintenance drugs when there are other options!!), and of course, self-esteem.

So I went to a registered dietician 3 times (what my health insurance would cover), who analyzed blood tests and my medical history. She suspected I was insulin-resistant, (having polycystic ovaries was a big clue), and developed a very loose eating plan for me that focused on reducing carbohydrate intake, total caloric intake, and introducing exercise. I joined a gym, and followed her plan, which was basically this: Eat between 1400-1600 calories a day, keep my carb intake to 2-3 servings @ breakfast (1 serving=15g carbs), 2-3 servings @ lunch, and 3-4 servings @ dinner. Keep my fat intake to less than 50 g per day, and incorporate fiber (ideally 25 g per day) and more protein.

It was foreign, difficult, and I had a hard time losing anything at first, but then I met with a personal trainer who helped explain what exercise to do, how to strength train a little, and above all, not to look at the scale too much because I was getting discouraged.

After getting into the swing of things with my schedule, diet and exercise, I was losing an average of 2 pounds/week. This was right before my husband and best friend of twelve years (married for almost 3) left me. I was so incredibly devastated. I had 3 months of progress under my belt, and the upheaval at home certainly changed things a bit.

I still went to the gym on days when I had it together enough to eat properly and find the will underneath the crushing sadness I felt, but on other days, I was like a zombie and would forget to eat. I was lucky to not have kids to take care of. I could be as selfishly sad as I wanted to. Needless to say, the weight came off even faster because I wasn't eating well at all.

by the end of June I'd lost 30 pounds and forced myself to attend my very close friend's wedding in L.A. I love Los Angeles, so different from Maine, and many people who are very special to me would be there. I thought it would be a good boost for me to show up 30 pounds lighter (the compliments alone were worth the trip!), and to get some much-needed hugs and support from these women who'd known me and my husband so well that they could hardly believe I was getting divorced as well.

It was a great trip- a turning point to my plummeting self-esteem. I even exercised on one of the days out there- which was pretty good since it was 4 days of partying......and when I got home I got back to eating better and going to the gym regularly. I felt great about the changes I was making and I thought I looked great, too!

later that summer I was developing a crush on an old friend, which turned into much more in September of 2005. We've been together ever since and things are so great.

the only downside of starting the new relationship was I had found something new that made me happy, that I wanted to spend all of my spare time around, that I threw my diet and exercise plan out the window. After all, I had other things going on...I was falling in love!

My lowest weight reached on that diet/exercise plan was 214.

Nearly 2 years later I knew I had gained weight- I'm sure in part because of the poor way I'd lost some of that 60 pounds (the depression and not eating), and also because I was eating out and having fun with my new man, and who wants to say no to that?

So at the beginning of this year I joined a new gym- cheaper, brand new, clean, and I literally drive past the door on my way home. I needed a change of scenery- I tried going back to my old gym but it reminded me a lot of the very difficult time I went through, and I thought a change of venue would help with motivation.

I went into the new gym at the end of January and weighed in at 242 pounds.

But not to be discouraged, it could have been worse, right?

to be continued.......

i'm so glad you started a diary - good stuff so far... and it could always be worse but you're doig great...

You have made some good progress over the last few years! Congratulations! Think of it this way, you're down so much from 2 years ago! And you know you can do it, so you can do it again.

Besides, it sounds like you weren't quite ready then, but you are now.

Welcome to the forum and I look forward to reading how things are going.

Thanks, I am looking at where I'm at now as a positive, even though I did gain about half of what I lost.

Indeed, I do think I was in a very bad place and not in the right frame of mind to maintain a healthy weight loss program.

Now, I'm happy and doing it, instead of using this as a "cure" for unhappiness at home, and unhappiness with myself.

I'm still hard on myself sometimes (body image), but I feel very positive about what I'm doing and I don't loathe clothing, physical activity, and most importantly, sex!

rock on sex should always be fun..

I should not be freaked out to take a day off from the gym. I've gone from coming up with every excuse imaginable to take a day off to resisting the one good reason: giving my body a day of rest.

I'm fatigued. I've been on my new diet for nearly three months and the scale wasn't budging for weeks, and weeks....until I finally sucked it up and listened to Steve and gave up the machines that I was only using once a week anyway...and started doing a full body strength training program. I've been at it for almost two weeks and I think I've got that beginner's problem of being a little too gung ho and crashing. I'm not a beginner in the exercise sense; my body can handle a good workout and I can push myself, but I'm still searching for a balance of how much is enough, and what (if anything) is too much. I am not convinced 100% that I have a "too much', because I fear I'm using it as an excuse to be lazy....however, I have been getting about 7 hours of sleep (throw one more a night my way and I'm such a nicer person!) and I am tired...all...day...long. It's not the same as being sleepy in the morning and shaking it off. I have been like this for several days, and done workouts through it. I even took Saturday off, but then followed up with a full body strength training routine and an hour of cardio. I was freaked that I'd taken a day off.....So now I'm dragging again.


Here's my routine I've started:

Strength Training:
dumbell fly: 2 set of 10 reps
lateral dumbell raise: 2 sets of 10 reps
tricep pulldown: 2 sets of 10 reps
seated rows (cable): 2 sets of 10 reps
one arm tricep curl (dumbells): 2 sets 10 reps each arm

Squats with medicine ball: 2 sets of 10 squats

Leg lowering: 2 sets of 10 lifts
Oblique crossover: 2 sets of 20 crunches
Side crunches: 2 sets of 15 crunches

back extensions: 2 sets of 10 reps
"swimming": 2 sets 10 seconds each

leg lifts (abductor lifts): 2 sets of 10 lifts each leg
adductor circles (name?)(learned in Pilates): 2 sets of 10 seconds each leg

Then I will do cardio, which varies from day to day as I'm trying to mix it up. For the last two weeks I've kicked it up a notch and getting away from LISS: been on the treadmill for 30 minutes, walking for 2 minutes at 3.8 mph, jogging for 1 minute @ 5.2 mph. I just upped the incline to 2%. I'd like to keep it here until I can start to increase the jogging/decrease the walking. Other cardio days I do either intervals like the treadmill, but not quite as grueling (that treadmill exercise is grueling for me- I've never been a runner, and it gets my HR way up), for instance, 45 minute on the elliptical.

Yesterday I did the full strength training and then 30 minutes of LISS on the treadmill then 30 minutes interval on the stationary bike. I think I overdid it here a little.

I think I'm on the right track; I just need to find that balance, and maybe up my calories a bit since I've added the strength training to my workout. It was suggested that I'm not taking enough in (Steve) and a co-worker thought that may be why I feel so tired.

I'm actually proud of myself for being able to do this workout. I really enjoy it when I'm at the gym, and of course, I can feel it working and understand the theory behind mixing up your routine. I've also seen the scale start to move again- down 2 pounds in this last week!

Hope this Tuesday finds everyone well. I am sore this morning from my Sunday workout.....

I live in southern Maine and I live for summer! March is the month I hate the most because it seems to drag on forever as I wait for spring weather to arrive. I want to get outside and start cleaning up my yard from the winter, but I still have snow on the ground! Otherwise, it's super-squishy mud and I'll leave 2" deep footprints where the grass is supposed to grow. Guess I'll have to wait.

I never have had much patience. I remember being a very impatient kid- I'm sure my parents would agree!

i'm going to see Snow Patrol in Boston tomorrow night with my friend. I've got excellent seats, first section on the floor! I do enjoy a good concert. I used to go to shows with my ex-husband and they were always bands he liked and I wasn't much interested in. It's great to now go to concerts where I actually like the band and know the songs!

I could type so much about what's going on with me- my job, worries, etc. etc., which I'm sure I'll get to but I'm really just stopping in this morning to say hi!

good morning back - hope yoou have a great day

Girl,
If you LIVE for summer, you're living in the WRONG place.

Might I suggest Southern California?
No snow, warm sandy beaches...?

Ahem...

Anyhoo, just welcoming you to your diary! It looks like you're off to a great start

the beaches in maine are so beautiful though... lots of rocks but the lighthouses and rough atlantic just add to the charm...

I got a big problem with rest days too... so... i occupy myself... my house is pretty clean after yesterdays rest day

Happy Chubette was talking to me about short-term goals working best for her.

I agree about the smaller increment goals. I have 160 on my ticker but I just kind of threw that out there. I remember weighing that in college after going on a "diet" with my roommate, and I looked good in college! I avoided the scale most of my life because I was always overweight it seemed to me. Of course, I look back on pictures of myself and I wasn't that big, maybe just slightly more so than most other kids.

My one true goal right now is to be under 200 lbs by the time I leave for vacation in Europe (July 4). I haven't weighed under 200 since college (about 15 years ago). I'm 27 pounds away.

If I make that, the next is 180, then 160 (20 lbs increments). The only reason my first one is more is because I have a date deadline for that one.

I have such fear and doubt (thus the title of my journal) that I won't make it I am afraid of even posting it here. I have a terrible fear of failure, which has permeated many areas of my life. I know it's affected my ability to get a new job (I hate the one I have now, and have been looking for a few years now!)

Anyway, I've said it. I want to be in the 100s by July 4. Even if I'm 199.5.

its ok to have fears and doubts - just don't get lost in them - or use them as excuses or reasons... we're pretty damn -- erm darn (language, mal, language) cheerleaders here -a nd when you don't believe in yourself - we'll believe in you and you'll see that we're right (Ok the intent of that was sincere but it came out really hokey... ) basically we got your back and stick with us and you'l get where you want to be...

when you succeed (Notice i didn't say IF _ i said WHEN) with your weight loss goals - that'll just be the start of something great for you - and you'll be able to focus on your next goal - and get you to where you want to be

/me shakes pom poms really hard that i fall over

Thanks Mal- I was just reading your latest posts in M2M's diary. Good lord woman- I do think the deprivation must have something to do with it! LOL!

ummm - thank you

I think i've always been a little - ummm - off center... it's ok -i'm harmless for the most part