hi winedeer, welcome back! Im a newbie here...good to see you arent giving up...I wish I knew how to help...

ok, I read your whole diary... and I was thinking of the no sugar, wheat and dairy. I am am TRYING to stay away from sugar and wheat, but not dairy... do you know who Marilou Henner is? she doesnt eat sugar or dairy, no do her kids, they run around the house, "no sugar! no dairy!" anyways she has written a cookbook... I bought it then gave it away, I kinda wish I kept it cause I know my friend keeps it in the closet...in the BASEMENT!

Hey Jillz -- I'm trying to do it, but it's very hard. Much harder now, because there are certain things in my life that have changed, and I need to really re-vamp the way I eat.

*sigh* This is so hard.

Dear FF,

I am not going to the gym today. But I will go bright and early tomorrow morning.

I just can't make it today. I'm tired, I'm eating, I'm achy, and I really just want to go to sleep.

I may be in bed before 9 pm.

I started keeping track of what I ate again on fitday. I think I need to have that self-awareness again. I also have my therapist appointment tomorrow where I can hopefully talk about why I convince myself not to go to the gym.

Hmm... thinking about that makes me want to go. I think my sitting on the couch made me too warm and cozy... Writing these words is making me think twice.

There may be hope yet.

Dear FF diary,

I went.

I went on Tuesday too. I started on Monday with 35 minutes on the treadmill, Tuesday with 40 minutes (treadmill and bike), and hopefully, today I will do 45 minutes total.

I figure I will increase it to 60 minutes every day. Based on the PCOS stuff that I've been reading -- advice on their board -- I should be trying to get 300 minutes (at least) a week of exercise. Eventually, I'll have to divvy up those 300 minutes into cardio, weight training, and flexibility/stretching stuff.

I know I will be doing treadmill and cycling -- I'm a spinning girl (unless I get repetitive stress injuries from it) -- and I have pilates and yoga for flexibility, de-stressing, and some weight training....

And I'll have to figure out the rest of the weight stuff. I've been never been that comfortable on the machines, and I barely see any women on them, I acknowledge that I feel super self-conscious!

I'll get over it.

Tomorrow a meeting with the Endo... we shall see how it works out. I know that my next step is going to have to be the food. I've been keeping track of what I eat on Fitday (again) and I guess we'll see what happens.

Hi WineDeer

A lot of exercise experts will probably agree with your concept of splitting exercise in the manner that you mention - but I suggest that you do the 300 minutes of pure cardio and see how it goes for a while. If you want to do the other sections - do it on top.

I find cardio helps me best. As Mal mentioned - I am a PCOS lady. I struggled for decades with quite severe morbid obesity. I am finally (at 48) getting some really good weight loss. I walk a lot. I am also very careful with my food.

If you have only just been diagnosed - there is every chance that your PCOS symptoms are not too severe yet. It you act quickly and lose weight I am sure that things will be a lot better for you. You can always concentrating on the toning up later.

There are quite a few other PCOS ladies on the forum. The most successful other member at losing weight is Abbagirl. She also spends a lot of time on her treadmill.

We both find that excessive walking not only helps weight loss a lot - it also makes us more tranquil.

Natalie Jo and Ambalove are also PCOS ladies.

Take care
Best wishes
Margaret

Thank you, Omega...

I think I've been relatively lucky with PCOS -- I had a doctor who diagnosed me when I was 19, but she never told me I had PCOS. She just put me on BCP, and those worked -- and since I was a girl, I obviously was obsessed with not gaining weight, so I was okay -- it was easy to do in college.

Now, over a decade later, it's not so easy, and for years, I lived in denial that I had PCOS. I had people tell me that I was heavy because I ate too much and exercised too little, without realizing that I have always been a very active person. But of course, it just seemed that if I did as much exercise as I claimed, I couldn't possibly be heavy.

This belief was so strong, I believed it myself. Even as my sister was diagnosed with PCOS and my father a diabetic, I still believed that nothing like this could touch me.

It couldn't happen to me. I just ate too much, exercised too little.

I think it really began to hit last year -- when I signed up at this forum because my doctor insisted I lose weight and she gave me a few months to do it in, and I came back to her office weighing MORE than my original appointment.

I had an ultrasound made, the technician saw the infamous "pearl necklace"... I went to a nutritionist, had a personal trainer, and worked out twice a day... and yet... no a single pound lost.

That's when I realized I was probably over my head and things weren't right in my body.

I finally decided to go to a counselor, because clearly I must have an eating disorder if I can't lose weight with all that exercise.

The conclusion?

Not eating disorder, but probably severe denial that my body doesn't do well with carbohydrates and that I need to change my diet to something that I can:

1) Live with for the rest of my life, because PCOS won't ever be "cured"
and
2) That it's low in carbohydrates, especially refined ones, because my body doesn't do anything with those carbohydrates except make them immediately into fat and carefully put that fat on my belly.

(Oh, I remember the days when my belly was flat -- I was the envy of my mother, my sister, and friends... now? I look like the Pillsbury Dough Boy)

I think I can the exercise part right. The real struggle is the diet. I've never been able to restrict my food intake for any lengthy amount of time, which is why I recognize that I need to make a plan for my life -- not a "diet."

This is how I need to eat daily, forever, rather than just for "now."

I guess this has turned into a diary entry, and a response, Omega.

Thank you for telling me who else is struggling with this. I hope that I can also be a success story and that I can find the right combination of exercise and diet that work for me and lasts me for life. I don't want to be on the road to diabetes -- although I know I'm on it -- and I want to have a body that somewhat resembles who I am inside, rather than what I see now in pictures.



Bleh.

This weekend I had someone tell me that I needed to lose weight. Duh. Like I don't know that. Tell me something useful.

Dear FF Diary,

Maybe this is like an addiction and I needed to hit rock bottom before changing my life around.

Do people get some kind of clarity? Is it a light bulb moment when everything just falls into place and they can act on their desires?

I sit here, stunned at what my boyfriend said to me tonight. He was disappointed yesterday, when he took time out of his work day to call me around 2:45 PM when he knew that my cravings/hunger would come into play. He was hoping that by distracting me, and by encouraging me to eat something healthy, I wouldn't dig in to the junk food.

But he was probably 15 minutes too late -- I had already started on a bag of chips.

He was so disappointed to later find out that his call had been for naught.

But the clincher was hearing that my snack today was some pasta. It turned out to be my dinner -- dinner was a salad. But it was measured and it didn't take me over my calories for the day... but he was still disappointed because I need to be on a low-carb diet.

*sigh*

Then, he went on to tell me that he just didn't want to talk to me about the diet thing or the food thing anymore. He explained, eventually, that he really loved me, and he couldn't understand why I wasn't willing to put the effort to do the right thing.

He told me that it's not just about what I want to do or am too lazy to do -- that the right thing is the right thing, and for me, the right thing is to lose weight to be healthy. Because... at the end of the day, he's older than I am, and invariably, he's going to need me to be healthy in order to take care of him in the future.

And then he went on to say that what he really needed was to know that I had the discipline to also take care of him -- to remind him that he needs to eat healthy and to lose weight, because he has a history of heart disease and stroke in his family, and he needs my help. But if I can't even help myself... how can he possibly expect me to help him?

If that wasn't bad enough... He told me that I needed to put myself first. That I had to love myself more than I loved him, because how could we possibly have perfect love if I didn't love myself? And clearly, I wasn't loving myself because I was letting my body down by not feeding it the right food, and not taking care of it.

Yes, I am on the path to getting diabetes if I don't treat it right. My father has it, my uncle has it, my grandfather died of it. My father was able to treat it with exercise and diet. My uncle is on insulin. My grandfather is buried.

He also said something that put in question our relationship -- but I don't know if he meant it or if it was a manipulation tactic. I'll talk to him about it, eventually.

Either way, what he said was harsh. But it was also the truth.

I do sit here and worry about never eating another cookie or piece of cake or pasta or candy or chocolate.

But it's not really about what I want.... it's about what I need.

He's right, though. I don't love myself enough to take care of myself. At least, I haven't shown it. I may feel like I have high self esteem... but doesn't everyone around me have not only the self-esteem, but also the cojones to act on it?

I have a friend who lose 77 pounds. She did it. In about 18 months. But she put herself in a position to do it -- she did the Jenny Craig system. She never ate out. She didn't drink alcohol for a year. She still went out and was social, but she stopped herself from eating dinner or drinking.

I have another friend who says she was heavy in high school (I didn't know her then). And as I see her eat, she eats small meals. And she's skinny.

Everyone around me is thinner. I weigh more than my father right now.

I've been searching for the answer as to why I am fat. My therapist wants to know if I do emotional eating. My mother doesn't understand why I don't eat healthier (or, rather, become macrobiotic).

I sit here, and I don't get it either. I'm not running to the fridge when I have a bad day. I've never been the girl to crack open a pint of Ben and Jerry's because I broke up with a boyfriend.

I just love food. And I let myself indulge.

What my boyfriend (I'll call him Deer), what Deer was saying today was that it wasn't enough to indulge myself. That's what 5 year olds do. I needed to be an adult, and just take care of myself.

Is fatness an addiction? Am I addicted to food?

I don't know the answer to that. I know that I had the idea of having to control myself. But as I see those around them, they are constantly controlling themselves -- they are thin, and not because of their magical metabolism. I've been keeping watch for a few months now -- because I want to be thin like them -- and I see that they aren't eating everything they want. They do control their portions.

Why didn't I learn that?

But Deer is right. I am not acting like an adult that has a health problem. I'm acting like a five-year old that just wants her candy bar.

I don't know if my relationship is at risk because of this. But I do know that my health is at risk, and I've been sitting in a boat on the river Nile. I recognize that I can't continue this way.

----------

First step. Admit that you have a problem.

I am 201.5 pounds as of this morning. I started in this forum at 199. I've gained weight. I can no longer continue to gain weight.

I am 5'5.5" -- I should weigh anywhere between 130 - 145 lbs.

My waist is at 38 inches. Too high.

My calorie goal is 2000 calories a day. Can I go lower? No, I am still feeling hungry at that level. Should I go lower? Eventually, at some point.

*sigh*

I have to do it. This is no longer a question of wants. It is a question of needs. Of being an adult. Of being responsible. Of having a healthy lifestyle so my boyfriend can also be accountable for his own health. We both need each other to be committed to this.

I can't allow him to sabotage me... and conversely -- I can't sabotage him.... not when he's doing it for a good reason... so we can have another thirty or so more years together.

... I shouldn't be... but I am. This is hard.

It sounds like you're going through some scary emotional stuff here. I recognize far too much of it for my own comfort, though I don't have relationship issues to go along with. It is scary thinking about a disciplined future because it seems like you're going to spend the rest of your life wanting that Twix bar or whatever and saying to yourself, "No, no, no! Can't have that!"

Thing is, I have faith that it woun't be like that. I have faith that the discipline I'm trying to exercise now will get easier and easier. That if I take one day at a time and just try to do my best for today, then tomorrow will take care of itself.

All the professional help in the world isn't going to help us unless we're willing/ready to do the work. I too am PCOS, and I went through years having just given up, thinking I was never going to be able to lose weight. I've decided, though, that I don't want to doom myself to a life of joint problems, breathing problems, and general unhealthiness later because I can't keep from shoving cheese straws in my mouth today.

I'm new around here and can't say if I'm going to be able to do this long-term. Hell, even today I ate far more calories than I should have. But I am making changes and doing my damnedest to stick to them.

Sorry this is a bit long, but I just wanted you to know that I understand where you're coming from and I believe that change is possible--for both of us!

Thanks, JW. I am feeling much better than the post above.

I did a lot of thinking. And he is right, I do need to just do it.

And at least, for the last few days, I have been. And I feel fine, which is my biggest surprise. Yes, I'm not wolfing down the popcorn at the theater (which I love and adore) but it's fine not to do it either. I took the 100 calorie bag of OR Kettle Corn with me, I didn't eat it. I didn't need to. I had my meal beforehand, and I was still full.

So, I recognize I'm okay.

I've been hungry. And it's okay to be hungry, I can have a fruit or drink water, and go to bed, knowing that I ate enough calories today for my body to function. I am not in some desert, close to starvation.

I also noticed with the hunger that it was because I ate a lot of carbohydrates that day -- and I definitely need the protein to feel full and balance the blood sugar. I've been getting a good balance of protein the last couple of days and NOT feeling hungry.

I'm okay.

According to the scale this morning, I was at 199.5.

Let's see what this week brings and if I can get it to come down.

Today, I also bought a food scale.

I am tentatively optimistic?

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG.

197.5

Holy shit.



Cautiously optimistic.

Can this be true?

Four pounds?

And this, after two days of having stopped the calorie counting because I had work obligations (dinners, lunches)?

I tried being good at the restaurant, but it's hard to determine how much you're eating.

Damn.

Wow.

I'm scared it's not true. I really hope this calorie counting thing works.

I took 1 Meridia. As a test. Today. I'll report back and see if it's something that I will continue to use. My doctor only wants to do it temporarily to see it helps with the food cravings.

But like I posted in a thread earlier today, I think those cravings were totally coming from eating the wrong carbohydrates and then being STARVED. If I stick to eating healthier -- and thus healthier, whole, carbs -- then theoretically I can continue to reduce my caloric intake and increase my exercise as my knee allows.

I asked the PT if I could start going to the gym and she told me that I could ride the bike, and do classes like yoga/pilates, as long as it wasn't putting too much pressure on my knee, and working out my upper body only.

I shall plan to do that today, later on, once I am on my way down from having lunch with bf.

Wow.

Healthy lunch, of course. I want to be back here next Saturday saying that I've lost another 1 or 2....

Wow. Cautiously... Wow.

Dear FF Diary,

I took the Meridia on Saturday and I was stunned at the effects.

It REALLY does take your hunger away.

So much, that I didn't know when to eat. I had to plan my food, I mean, I had to TELL MYSELF TO EAT... otherwise, I wouldn't know.

Damn, talk about appetite suppressant. The stuff works.

I didn't take it on Sunday. I was weirded out by the effects.

But I did take it this morning and we shall see what happens today. I'll report back.

But yeah, interesting.

And this morning? I'm still 197.5!

I know it seems ridiculous, but it's amazing to know that it wasn't just a one day thing.

I think I've gotten so used to seeing the scale go up that it's scary/crazy to see it go down... and stay down.

I do hope it's not just water weight or anything like that. I tend to drink tons of water, so I know that the effect of drinking water on a diet won't be had on me. I don't even drink sugary sodas. And if I drink juice, I usually pour water in it -- 1/2 water 1/2 juice -- because it's too sweet for my taste buds.

We shall see.

Deer (boyfriend) told me to give Meridia a week. That way I could say that I tried it, and if I didn't like it, I could go back to the doctor and tell him that I'll lose the weight on my own, thanks.

As it stands, I do recognize, understand, how much of this is just math -- calories in, calories out.

I may have made some commitments tonight which may, depending on the time, conflict with my gym. But my goal is to head to a Pilates class tonight, and start working out.

I thought I would get a chance this weekend, but I was busy, busy, busy.

It's okay. I think I have a support system now in place. Even my friends are now commenting on how healthy I should be eating -- when I don't!

Yay.

Winedeer

Dear FF Diary,

I've been taking Meridia on and off. The side effects are minimal, I must admit, but it definitely makes me thirsty and constipated. Weird combination, actually, something I never had to deal with before.

But I've now decided to take it on days when I feel I need for the crutch.

This morning I weighed 195.5.

Yes, I continue to lose weight. It's a slow process, and I think the Meridia is really only stopping my hunger, rather than actually promoting any weight loss. I was keeping good track of my calorie intake and I was definitely less than 2000 calories a day, and clearly having a deficit -- weight loss city, here I come.

An excellent friend of mine is visiting from a far away land, so I have to admit that for the last week, I have been shamelessly hitting the 2000 calorie mark or higher. But I am still keeping track.

Meridia hasn't helped -- I'm also PMS-y and somehow, I have developed and incredible hunger that even the drug won't push down. I'm feeling better already -- friend is off in another city for another 24 hours, and I've been eating at home again.

It definitely makes a difference when you eat a home -- you can control portion sizes much better and know EXACTLY what you're eating.

Back to the grindstone, and honestly, I don't mind it at all. I do tire of eating out, and having eaten so much, I kind of feel like I could do with a fast. I'm not a fan of them, but I feel like I have so much food stored up, that I could handle one easily.

Hee hee hee hee!

Deer is also losing weight, but at our last weigh-in he was beating me. He had already lost 12.5 lbs. Damn you men and your muscles and fast metabolism!

But, I won't be ungrateful for the six pounds. They have been hard earned. And hopefully, this means that they will stay off.

Three weeks, six pounds. That's healthy.

I'll continue on my path. My friend will be visiting for one more day and off he'll go, and back to the eating at home I will go. And to the gym.

I've been doing physical therapy for my knee and it's gotten so much stronger. I haven't been to the gym yet, despite my good intentions. The diet part has been working, which has de-motivated me from going. But I know I should. The elliptical and the bike are good exercises for my knee and I need to keep using weights in order to keep the strength I'm acquiring now. I think my injury last year came from getting weaker and weaker and not realizing I was losing that strength.

So, Meridia isn't evil. But then again, I'm only taking it maybe twice a week. Deer thinks it's stupid, that it's over time that I will see the difference. But I really hate feeling constipated.

I will mention this to my doctor when I see him next week.

Over and out. I'm still in the game.

Love,

WineDeer

Dear FF Diary,

I am still at 195.5 as of this morning. I haven't seen any inches come off either, but that's okay.

I've had a friend visit for 10 days now, and it's been hard to keep to the type of eating I was trying to do -- eating at home, low on the processed carbs. It was only 10 days and I'm finding I'm back where I started a month ago.

Damn.

I really can't go back to that lifestyle of eating. It's too much.

Today is Easter, and while I've been tempted by the chocolate, tomorrow is a new day and this Friday is my appointment with my endo again to see how much weight I've lost since I last saw him. Hopefully, because it wasn't right before my period, significant lbs in comparison to what I weighed on their scale (208 pounds! I've never seen that on mine!).

So, we shall see.

Also, I'm noticing a change with the Meridia -- I'm either getting used to it, and thus it's losing it's effect -- or something's weird going on. I am eating more -- feeling hunger and not having the same self-control that I had when I first started taking it.

I will ask about this, of course, because no sense in taking the drug if it's not going to work for me.

But yeah... worrisome... I feel like I didn't take as much advantage of it as I should have if it's really stopped working. Or, maybe my PMS is a hell of a lot stronger than expected.

We shall see. All excuses are done, as of today. Tomorrow, back on the wagon, measuring food, shopping carefully, and ensuring that I am eating the healthiest I can eat.

And of course, I want to start the gym again. My knee has gotten significantly stronger now -- I can really feel it, and I want to start going. Tomorrow, I shall be at my Pilates class.

I will try to write more here -- it keeps me accountable, and the gym is a must now.

Sigh. This is still hard for me. Amazing how it can still be.

WineDeer

Dear Diary,

OMG. 193.5.

Okay, I know it isn't like I am dropping weight like an animal. So, no radical changes here. I'm perfectly fine with that, because I want this to permanent.

I went to my doctor for a check up and for the 4 weeks that I was taking Meridia, I lost 8 pounds, which to him averages out to two pounds per week, which he thinks it's great.

It's not happening like that, though. I'll stay at a weight for a few weeks, then suddenly drop. And it's cool. I don't mind that at all.

But yeah, I haven't seen 193.5 in a long time. A couple of years.

And yeah, now the clothes are beginning to fit differently.

It's weird to see that. But also... wow, hopeful? Maybe this actually can work?

No gym yet. I'm still injured, but I think the physical therapy is counting for some exercise, because I am getting stronger in some areas.

Yeah, I'm getting cautiously hopeful again.

Still doing Fitday and putting in my calories. It's really easy to get out of the habit, but I'm forcing myself to do it because otherwise I know will overeat. It's a chore, but I hope one that will help me manage this.

Yeah. Kind of happy about this. I don't want to be ecstatic in case it's not real....

Love,
WineDeer

P.S. Deer is off his diet. Which is fine, I'm glad he's not going anorexic on me. But it is a little harder. It always is.