Dear FF Diary,

This morning, the scale said 193.

Like I said before, not massive amounts of weight loss all at once... but I can always hope? After all, I'm a little PMSy, maybe I've got some water weight?



Or maybe not, that's fine. The scale has been heading in the direction I need it to head, anyway... so that makes me happy.

These last few days have been harder -- celebrating birthdays and all that. Travel next week. It all adds up.

And of course, I'm finding that pre-planning food and buying ahead of time is ALWAYS the best choice to make. It's really easy not to -- I am the queen of convenience -- but, because Meridia doesn't give me the cravings I use to have, I can go without eating, only to find myself light-headed from hunger and even less likely to make a decision about food.

Having food in the house helps (I am one of those that cannot have "junk" food in the house because I will plow through it -- and not because I want it, but because I feel this weird sense of obligation to go through it because I "should" since that's what I would do if I had it before).

Very weird.

Physical therapy is coming along nicely. Had my appointment with my ortho today and he thinks I should be off it in a couple of weeks or so. This had my therapist (appointment right after) sort of panic and started making me do all these other exercises. I might definitely be sore tomorrow.

The doctor also told me to start heading back into the gym, so the transition will be smoother between the PT and gym. That way, I can start getting used to the machines that I use there, instead of the PT (although some of the machines are the same, I think it's also of getting back into that routine).

I'm thinking of getting a dog. I know that will make me more active, but it's also a lot of responsibility.

I think that's my update. I'm watching the show I can make you thin on TLC and the guy has some good advice. We'll see if it helps. The tapping thing and the "programming" of those middle fingers hasn't worked for me, but I do his point about eating when you're hungry and eating what you want so you don't feel deprived.

I do all of that, but of course, I keep track in my fitday.

Deer told me the other day that since we've cut down on the fast food, he's finding that it doesn't satisfy him as much as it did when he was eating it every day. It's a good sign!

I think I'll start making him dinners for when he has to work his night job.

That's it for now. 193. I hope it's 192 by Sunday... and maybe in a couple of weeks, I'll be under 190 -- I haven't seen that since... January 2006.

Love,
WineDeer

Dear FF diary,

The weight has not been peeling off like it should. I'm at 192.5, as of this morning. I know, I know, I need to ramp up the exercise and really change my food habits.

I've taken some steps to do that this week. This weekend, I went to the grocery store and made sure I was buying food from around the outside perimeter of the store, instead of going up and down the aisles. Lots of fruits and veggies. I've been eating yogurt, apple, South Beach Diet Granola Bar, and today, a hard boiled egg for breakfast. Lunch changes, it can be a Healthy Choice Steamer or a sandwich like today.

I know that my exercise level has to go up -- I will go to the gym today if my plans to go out with my friends falls through (I double booked myself unfortunately).

I'm also trying to be more vigilant about making sure that every morsel that passes through my lips goes on Fitday. For a while there, I was feeling very cocky about knowing how much a portion was (the food scale worked to help me see the sizes) and how much something had in terms of calories.

Well, I'm back to writing it all down. I'm clearly not doing something right.

I'm also a little stressed, and I wouldn't doubt it that in times of stress I gain weight. Not because I am necessarily eating more (that's what I'm trying to figure out with the food diary) but I do think my body doesn't handle stress well. I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't had time to exercise, and my mind is wrapped up with work and the possible death of a family member.

Yeah, that possible death has hit me hard. My mother told me we had to pray for a miracle if we wanted something to happen. It looks like medical science has hit a wall.

I know that I find myself trying to distract myself from thinking about it. I don't want to grieve now if it's not going to happen, because part of me does believe in those miracles. But the other side of me is thinking, okay, can I be there for the worst happens? When can I afford it? Money-wise and time-wise...

Bleh. Yeah, no wonder I'm not losing weight.

But I have lost some inches since I started this. I measured myself the day before I went to the endocrinologist on Feb 13, and I have lost 7 inches over all in my body, the most significant drops were in my hips and chest.

My belly hasn't budged. But that doesn't surprise me. PCOS and belly fat are almost synonymous.

This is another reason I'm going back to Fitday. I need to start counting carbs. I know the theory is that it's fundamentally just the number of calories, but I know that for this insulin resistance that I have and the PCOS specifically, I need to watch the type of carbs I'm consuming as well. And I've been letting white carbs in my diet, as long as I don't go over my calorie mark.

Brown rice, welcome home.

Actually, I'm going to finish the white rice that I have at home, but I will be cutting out the sweets that I've been allowing myself (as long as I was under the calories...). I think despite the fact that I don't doubt I will lose the weight, I also need my waist to go down. I started at 38 inches. I'm at 37.5. Everywhere else, I'm losing size (in the areas that define me as a woman!) and it's really the waist where this needs to happen.

*sigh*

Another day.

That's it for now. Deer is definitely now on the No Money Diet, which is good for me too. I'm definitely not complaining. And I can't blame him for my own problems here.

We'll see how I'm doing. I'll be reporting back probably in about 2 weeks -- going on a business trip soon.

Depressingly yours,
WineDeer

Well, this diary is back and hopefully, this will be a daily (or more?!) exercise. (no pun intended!)

I have been jumping around all over the place. After April, things in my life went a little crazy at work and I hate to say it, my focus became about that and other things and I dropped all the careful work I had done before.

According to my doctor (when I went for my six month check up) I had only gained 2 pounds, but I have to say that I think his scale is completely off. I thought the scale was off when I went there the first time and I still think those scales are off.

Anyway, it's been a time of a lot of things -- deaths in the family (yes, more than one, although the expected one still hit harder than anyone in the family expected), more denial on my part about my weight issues, and of course, I stopped taking Meridia.

After my check up, the endo insisted that I try it again, because my options are limited.

With PCOS I think most of my options are limited! It's diabetic's diet, I think, that we really have to follow.

Anyway, I'm back to focusing on my weight-loss now because I had a moment of enlightenment when I read that book "You on a Diet" -- I'm not a big fan of diet books because normally they make me feel like if I had enough willpower, I would lose all the weight I need to lose and life would be perfect.

Ugh.

This was book was significantly UN-judgmental -- it even included sections on weight-loss pills and surgeries. It explained Meridia a little bit better -- the chemical changes it causes in your brain and how it stops the carbohydrate cravings (that are caused by an imbalance in hormones in the brain/stomach). Which also explains why Meridia only works for a certain amount of time -- your brain chemicals adapt.

AND the other reason I'm back is that I had joined a PCOS board in the hopes that I could find more support through people who were going through the same thing that I was. I found that it was heavily moderated for a particular viewpoint in your journal-blog posts and it really hurt my feelings when one of my journal-blog posts was deleted.

I don't see myself as controversial in any way, and I saw how heavily it was moderated that I decided that it probably wasn't the right fit for me. (And I had written less than what I write here, but in the same vein -- in other words, my thoughts and feelings about MY weight-loss journey).

I'm actually stunned how much the deletion of my journal-blog post hurt me. It was my words and they didn't insult anymore, hurt anyone, not even myself. I had discovered something interesting tonight about myself and food -- how I ate a croissant and barely noticed that I had eaten it when I realized that I *was* eating it. To me, it explained how easily it is to overeat, because if you're not focused on what you're eating, food can go in you and without notice.

It also highlighted, for me, the fact that eating certain foods can be such a HABIT and those are habits that need to be broken in order to make a lifetime change.

Anyway, the moderator wrote to me explained that my post was inappropriate and while I was encouraged to continue posting, I realized that I was in the wrong place. I can't focus only on the exercise portion of my journey, for me, it has to be a dual focus on exercise and diet. I remember that period in time when I exercised hours and hours and did not lose a single inch or pound. Yes, my heart was invariably healthier, my lung capacity had grown, I could climb stairs all day long and not get tired. But I was eating as many calories as I burned. I hadn't quite understood that diet HAS to be part of any journey, especially when you know that you overeat.

Part of my commitment to this journey is to blog about it. To make myself accountable to my actions and my decisions/choices. To be able to express more what goes on in my head and heart about this journey in order to be able to deal with all the emotions and thoughts that come with it.

I remembered I had started this journal and maybe because this forum casts a little wider net, I fit here better.

Maybe I'll speak more to this later. I'm still stunned and hurt. I don't need to be liked, but I am just not used to such heavy moderating.

Anyway, back to my weight-loss journey:

Calories today: 1845
Exercise: 30 minutes, walking

I'm currently taking vitamins, eating a relatively low-carb diet (whole grains, rather than simple carbs), lean meats. My daily goals (as you'll see in this journal) is to keep track of what I'm eating (using an online food diary), keeping track of my exercise, and hopefully, getting the support of others who are going through this with me. Oh, and taking Meridia, of course, until it stops working. Once again, the goal is to get good healthy habits before it wears out so that I'm used to eating lower carbs (and lower calories).

Yikes, I don't know why this hurt my feelings so much... I can't stop thinking about it. At least I wasn't banned... but wow. I'm just really stunned that a blog post would get deleted so quickly and over what seems like nothing. But, it's not my board and ultimately, it just shows that it wasn't the right place me. But yeah... I'm just stunned.

Not official, but I weighed myself this morning. One pound less!

Also, I did wake up understanding why I was so hurt about last night's events. I just HATE -- in every sense of the word, and this is true for every part of my personality -- when someone destroys something I created.

I think the nicer -- and much more gentler thing -- would have been to send me a private message and tell me that my blog post was inappropriate for these reasons and ask that I either add more "fitness" related items or change it.

The immediate action was really harsh.

Seriously, why would I want to post in board like that?

Oh well. It's over and done with. Lessons learned....

Off to enter food in Fitday.

Argh. UTI.

Of course, this is throwing my calorie counting, since I'm drinking the purest form of cranberry juice my boyfriend could find.

At least the doctor knows about it and I am taking antibiotics and pain medicine.

*sigh*

I haven't been well this year.

I hope -- and maybe this is becoming the fundamental motivator for me -- that this change in diet and exercise will mean a healthier me.

I want to have a year where I don't take any medicine, where I don't have an allergic reaction to anything, where I can look back on that year and say that I'm been fine physically.

And this morning I was at 196.5.

I know, it's only one pound, but I am happy it's gone down and not up.

I'm happy with the changes in my diet and exercise so far.

I'm happy with the support from the people around me.

It's a good day!

Back on track. Sunday turned out to be a crazy day because I spent it helping out a friend. The food was so-so, but I think I managed to burn a lot of calories helping her clean her house. We were not only cleaning, but painting too -- it was a full remodel, minus the power tools.

Yesterday was my day of rest -- I still weighed myself to see the damage that Saturday and Sunday had brought on, but I know that I'm doing okay. Even without the ability to eat food that I make myself, I can still make some good choices and I did. I could have opted for pizza and I went with a plain sub instead.

I've lost half and inch from waist and today, Deer told me he noticed that I looked a little thinner.

My pants aren't as tight anymore. I can't believe I let myself wear tight pants. Damn. It feels good to breathe again.

Off to eat a healthy meal with my mother! Still within calories.

After dinner, I'll do my walk. Back on the walking bandwagon.

Oh, and still taking the antibiotics, but at least I'm feeling much much better than before.

YAY!

I have PCOS, too! I know what you're going through. It's such a catch-22 to have this stupid condition. Your symptoms will get better if you lose weight, but you can't lose weight because of the symptoms... LAME!

OMG! Tell me about it!!!

Ack! This week has been the week of not sticking to the diet plan at all. At least, I'm conscious of the decisions and Deer has helped me control my portions by asking me if I'm eating because I'm hungry (last night's dinner) or if I am eating because it's in front of me (it was in front of me!).

I made the mistake of spending my last weekend focused on friends and loved ones, rather than on myself -- I'm paying for it now by being completely disorganized and not knowing how balance my diet when I am missing food or don't have the time (ran out of ready snacks!).

I did manage to cook on Wednesday night and leftovers were my lunch on Thursday, so those were good options. Thursday dinner was low carb at least (and Deer made me conscious of the over-eating).

Today has been pizza for lunch (controlled portion at least) and pizza for dinner, leftovers, of course. Yikes.

At least, I've kept up with the exercise, although I lowered the intensity in the walking, because my knee was hurting -- last night I woke up in the middle of the night two or three times from the pain. I should have put an ice pack on it before I went to bed, but I thought it would go away.

It reminded me that I need to continue the physical therapy exercises. It's also good light weight training. Deer is going to teach me how to use the weight machine in my building's gym.

I'm also not really drinking, although last night I did (it was a holiday party). It's my last drink for a while, again, because I find it's better just not to drink, because my will power for food goes significantly down.

I'm not beating myself up for any of this because I know it's not about what I did wrong, but rather how I can make weeks like this work for me -- smaller portions, not deprivation, continue taking my vitamins, exercising. I can't end this healthy plan because I ate out too many times this week!

I'm also noticing something about eating simple carbs versus whole grain carbs versus animal protein and vegetable protein.

Here's to a better weekend to plan and figure out my week!

OMG! You are so right about us being twins! Busy this week. Check. Didn't exercise much. Check. Ate out more than I should have. Check. Knee hurts. Check! Man, it is weeeiiiiiirrrrddd to have someone going through almost EXACTLY the same thing at the same time.

Do NOT give up eating healthy just because you ate out. Not worth it. You'll just feel worse in a couple of days and you'll have to start the process all over again. I've actually almost completely stopped drinking. I have 1 beer a week. My last blood test my triglycerides were slightly elevated, and the doc said carbs like crackers/cookies/etc, sugar, and alcohol caused that combined with the fact that PCOSers are more likely to have elevated triglycerides anyway. If you can swing it, I recommend cutting back on the alcohol like you've already planned. The sacrifices will be worth it when you're looking hot and don't have diabetes in 10 years!

Thanks Doxiegirl! I'm cutting back.

---

Today was weigh in day -- this morning the scale said 195.5. Another pound down! YAY!

It's great and I'm really focusing on stopping when I'm full, choosing healthier alternatives and saying no to alcohol even when it's offered. A friend of mine has been celebrating an awesome even for her all weekend long and it's been hard to say no to alcohol, but it's also good because it forces me to say no -- for my own health.

Tomorrow, the celebrations continue and I know that it's this time of year -- the holiday parties, the "let's see each other before the year ends", and everything else that comes with it.

I'm going to focus on making the right choices and exercising. I've had to do it every other day now because of the knee and I know that I need to get back to the PT exercises.

At least this weekend wasn't as crazy as the last. I'm feeling good about how this is moving.

Here's a cheer! May this pound never come back! Woohoo!

It works when you don't have the crappy food in your house.

Tonight was a perfect example. For some unknown reason, I've had a craving for rice and beans for the last week or so. I finally decided that today I was going to make myself some -- I'm trying to eat less meat anyway -- and because it was late in the day, I had thought to myself that I would go ahead and just make white rice and beans.

I go into the kitchen and I realize there is no white rice -- but there is a very big container of brown rice.

I must have at some point either run out or thrown it away, and of course, my only choice was to choose the brown rice.

It's going to take longer, but it will definitely healthier. Damn, I'm thwarted by my own ingeniousness.



Cool.

Today is the last day of the celebration weekend for my friend, so back on the "wagon" so to speak -- like I've said, I've been trying to remain under control and it's worked.

Even yesterday, I thought my dinner plans would turn out to be a lot of food, and it wasn't -- the dinner party I attended served Paella which I hate with a passion. I ended up serving myself a huge salad, a couple of slices of bread, and some pieces of Spanish Omelet.

Another 30 minutes of exercise this morning! YAY me!

So, another day, another night of eating out.

I didn't plan it since it was Macrobiotic food night, but tomorrow will be Macrobiotic food night, so I suppose it balances it out in the end.

But, I am drinking water and taking my pills, I'm charging my iPod, and I'll be back on track tomorrow.

It helps that some friends sent out pictures from this weekend. I may have lost two pounds, but it's not the same as losing 20.

YIKES!