I weighed myself again. 193.

Oh, I hope I can keep it in this range by Sunday.

I am afraid it's mostly because I haven't eaten well this week because of whatever ails me.

I'm feeling much better, though. I think my body just wanted me to stop eating.

Official weigh-in:

193!

Woohoo!

I think my body has given itself a gastric by pass. I'm kidding of course, but I'm finding that this whole thing about too much gas isn't GAS. It's indigestion, I think.

I'm talking to my doctor about it -- I have an appointment.

But I'm finding that I can't eat the huge amounts I was eating before, and not too much oil/greasy foods, and I'm perfectly find with small quantities of animal protein, great on large quantities of plant based protein, find with vegetables and fruits.

That's why I jokingly say my body gave itself a gastricbypass.

I'll take it.

I also stopped the Meridia because I found some of the side effects to be similar to what's going on in my body and I don't want to exacerbate the issue until I'm either certain it's the Meridia or there's another cause for it.

Argh.

194, but, I am pmsing, so, I'm blaming it on water weight.

It's been two months of very strange things in my diet life.

First of all, I went off to start my Phd. It was something really important to me, because I wanted to exercise my mind. It turned out to be one of the best things in my life, because it totally changed the way I look at my life.

But, my first week into the program, and I gained three pounds that I haven't lost. I became very discouraged.

In that discouragement, I discovered some other things.

First of all, I discovered that I needed to eat more at breakfast. Eating more made certain that I wasn't hungry at lunch, so I could control my food choices better. And, surprisingly, that fullness feeling also lasted into dinner time.

Second of all, I realized that I'm a bad cook. And being a bad cook essentially made it very easy for me to order food out, which is always going to be calorie ladden. So, my mother has come through to me and will make extra food staples for me, all I have to do is put together a meal. And chances are, it's a nice macrobiotic meal, because she's macrobiotic. It works.

Third, I had gone to my doctor and she recommended I start eating fiber because I had this bad reflux thing going on and she said it was fiber related -- or rather, lack of fiber. I've been taking that every morning and it makes a difference in terms of full-ness throughout the day. It's helped the reflux too, when I eat fiber rich foods that tend to be the healthier foods, like fruits, veggies, and legumes.

Fourthly, I discovered that I can use a blender. I've been making banana-strawberry smoothies, using Rice Milk, and no sugar (no sugar needed, it's sweet enough as it is). It's been great, because I'm eating more fruits and vegetables and I think I've discovered I'm really becoming lactose intolerant -- I've been using rice milk for everything and I feel much better than using cow milk or cheese or cream.

Fifthly (see, I said there's been A LOT), I've been focusing on the whole concept of the "fullness" feeling. When I was taking Meridia, I could go for ages without eating because my hunger pangs didn't exist. My cravings were still there. I started to really LISTEN to my body and feed it appropriately. This was something new -- I was being pulled by the cravings, rather than what my body really needed.

Eating well -- the breakfast, the food, more veggies and fruits -- has really helped me identify when I'm hungry versus craving. I've found that my cravings have gone down, by eating well.

BUT, that's also made me realize how much of my eating habits are HABITS. I feel like I have to finish this or that because that's what I USED TO DO. It's weird.

I have Toll House Cookie Dough sitting in my fridge and I haven't gone after it. It's been three days. I also just ate a piece of chocolate (which I allow myself -- this is not about deprivation) but I had that piece now for four days. Sitting there.

Before, this chocolate or cookie dough would call my name -- until I finished it off. But... it's not happening.

I've just been very conscious of my hunger. It's been an interesting experience.

So, the result?

Not really weight loss.

Not by my scale.

But what I have had is a number of people who have remarked that I look thinner, asking me if I've lost weight. I don't know where it's coming from, because my weight loss is definitely not showing up in the numbers. I even measured myself just in case it was a case of inches.

All I can think of is that I'm carrying myself differently because I'm changing my relationship to food. Before, where I felt like a slave to cravings, I now feel like I can control myself like never before.

When I crave something like those chocolate chip cookies that are sitting in my fridge, I can imagine what one tastes like (because I've had enough of them) and I don't need to actually taste one, because I remember.

I went to the movies this weekend and my habit is to always get popcorn and diet coke. I had a friend of mine buy me some sugar-free gummy bears from the store, so I could munch on that instead.

I've also been avoiding the diet cokes and other things in this world. I've just read too much on the whole aspartame thing and I hate to say it, but I think my body is responding to less crap in my system. I'm allowing myself lemonade and things like that, even if they have sugar in them, but I'm trying to reduce the soda -- both with and without sugar.

I feel very good.

My overall plan is to get The OTHER stuff in place. My fears about never eating another food again, the fear of having to cook for myself and not liking it, the agony of having to clean up after myself, all those things will hopefully fall into place, so that when I have to cut calories again, I can do it much more successfully.

The last thing I've done is SLEEP more. What a freaking difference. I agree that we're all chronically tired.

I would say that I'm exercising more, but I'm not. I did sign up for Pilates classes again and I've been twice already. I'll go again tomorrow and see if I can make it into the studio three times a week.

Oh wait, there is one more thing -- I also had a very hard heart-to-heart with my friends. I needed their support and they've been very supportive. They are thin, so in some ways they understand (although in some ways they don't, because they don't have PCOS).

But, it's been great. For May 1st or thereabouts, I've made the commitment to lose 5 pounds. I think that's feasible.

I'm at 197. My goal is to be 192.

I can do that in the next few weeks.

I wrote this on a reply to a thread, and I can't believe how true it really is. I never saw it in black and white like this.

*sigh*

Yes, I know that I'm not yet at the calories in versus calories out.

I know I've progressed -- my mindset and my habits have changed. It wasn't fast. It is a continual process.

But probably for the first time in a very long time -- if ever before -- I feel like I am on the precipice of actually starting something that I might be able to keep.

Some of the anxiety I had in the past about not eating my favorite foods is gone. Nothing special has happened except that my head/heart finally understood that there is no famine -- I can eat those foods if I really want them -- and that my memory is not shot, so I can remember what they taste and feel like, without actually consuming the food.

It's weird to explain, but it's a huge shift for me. Food doesn't seem as important as it once did.

It's a weird and subtle change. But it's the first time that I feel like I have more control over my cravings and my food intake and it gives me hope that this means I can actually reach a point where controlling my calories will be fine, acceptable, and just a part of my daily routine, like brushing my teeth. I'm hoping for the day I won't feel resentful for having to use a scale or for saying no to that dessert.

FREEDOM!

I think too much.

My friend finally said to me that I was never going to figure it out -- I should just let someone else/something else figure it out for me. I just follow the "rules."

I think at some level, she's right. My overanalyzing of my weight, my motivations, my crap, was just another way of not doing what I needed to do. It froze me in place.

Earlier this month, I started counting calories in Fitday again. It makes such a difference to see what you're really eating versus what you THINK you're eating.

It made me depressed at first -- I was eating normal portions, but they contained a lot of calories. I've never been much of a binger so it's all just high fat, high carb foods.

I was eating anywhere between 2100 - 2300. No wonder I am the weight that I am.

Now, I've cut it down to 1800, although this past week, I've been eating less than that. I've also been exercising -- back to pilates, which is great, dancing, and walking on the treadmill.

Deer is planning on starting going to the gym and we'll do that in the mornings so we can do it together. I think that will be good, too.

But yeah, I need/needed to stop thinking about this whole process. Thinking about it is not going to make me lose weight. I'm never going to figure it out.

What I do need to do is that -- ACTION. Cut calories. Exercise more. End of story.

hey there! Fitday is a godsend in my opinion... I'm a quick skimming of the diary kinda guy, so I skimmed over a few of your last posts.

I'm a data oriented kind of guy, weighing my food, and logging it into fitdat once a day, is not a huge inconvenience for me, and its worked. Some people can do this naturally, they are in tune with their bodys energy balance, and their hunger is a indicator of when they need to eat. Maybe ours is screwed up? I dont know. All i know is whenever i get lax, and *think* im doing good on auto pilot it just doesnt work.

I love the budget theory, it just clicks for me. Glad the same kind of thinking has worked for your.

good luck you can do it. Its not magic, its just math

Thanks for your reply.

Yeah, I'm kinda coming around to the fact that it's NOT magic or calculus. It's just addition and subtraction. I think I really was just trying to figure out every little bit, instead of just acting on it and figuring out later.

The budget analogy works for me, and at least for this past week -- where I've been really strict about my budgeting -- it's been working.

Yeah, it's a whole lot of will power, but it's okay. I know my body just has to get used to this.

I'm inspired by your story, it's really great the progress that you've shown and the dedication you have. GREAT JOB!

Dear Diary,

I'm struggling with the cut down of calories, but I'm happy for other reasons. Deer has been really great about this. For the last few nights, he's known how hard this has been on me, and he's taken the time to find a healthy dinner recipe and we've been experimenting. Nothing to write here about -- the recipes were okay, but not great -- but it's been great to know I have his support and that voicing how hard it is, it's okay.

I haven't binged. But I can feel that my body doesn't like this new routine. It's just so used to eating more and it's wondering what's going on.

I just have to keep going until it realizes that it's going to have to eat my fat if it wants more calories, rather than the fresh food I'm eating.

*sigh*

I've lost a pound already this week. That's a good sign.

Dear Diary,

OMG. I weighed myself this morning and I had lost 2.5 pounds since I started this whole calorie counting thing.

Sure, it helps that on my business trip I wasn't eating a side of cow by myself every day -- although I could have -- with all the trimmings. It helped to remind myself to eat like the thin people around me. It also helped that for this past week, I've been eating under 1800 calories.

Wow.



Okay, so I do this all the time. I can lose a little bit of weight, but the rest doesn't come off. I totally get that. I know this is just the same weight I've lost before (consistently the same seven pounds).

BUT, I do believe that if I keep it up -- which has been my downfall in the past -- it can be more than just the seven pounds.

I've also been pretty good about the consistency in my diet. Deer and his dinner ideas have been great. He's totally getting the calorie thing, even if he doesn't want to do this with me. He's been eating less, obviously, and today he couldn't handle it and ordered for Chinese -- for himself. I did not participate in it.

I did make myself some comfort food from my childhood -- rice and hot dogs. Sure, the fat content is pretty high, but I had been very low calorie all day and I figured I could splurge with the 170 calories in the hot dog pieces I ate (weighed and measured).

Alternatively, I know that ordering Chinese, right along with Deer, would have meant probably another 1000 calories, which would have put me at 2000 or more for the day, and I just don't want to ruin the discipline that I've been developing.

I can't say YES one day and then NO the next. I have to be CONSISTENT.

No exercise. I've been pretty lazy about the exercise, and part of it is the calorie restriction. I feel better if I don't move (less calories burned, of course).

For next week (I'm making meal plans ahead of time), I'm going to improve the quality of my calories so I don't feel as lazy.

I weighed myself this morning and it's a 0.5 less. A total of three pounds.

So, I'm going to make Saturday my official weigh-in day, although I'm sure I'll keep weighing myself every day that I remember.

Lunch and breakfast have me at just under 900 calories. That means I have room for a nice snack and meal tonight. YAY.

Crap.

I'm hungry.

And I don't know why. I've been eating under 1800, only a couple of days did I reach 1800. On average, according to Fitday, has been 1642.

Which is great.

But, today, I'm hungry. And it's too late to eat. If it was earlier in the night, I might actually consider a snack.

I think I just need to go to bed.

I'm not going to beat myself up. I've eating more calories today.

Deer wanted to do something special for me, and made this breakfast dish. However, we miscalculated the amount of butter that was in it, and we put a whole stick -- YES, A WHOLE STICK -- instead of a few pats, which is all it required.

*sigh*

It was my breakfast and of course, it wasn't very filling at all. So, I had to supplement it with a hard boiled egg. I had garbanzos and brown rice for lunch and dinner, and because it was still too many carbs for me (the PCOS thing sucks), I found some old weinies in the fridge and ate those. It was only 5 little ones, so it was under the 180 calories per servings from the container, but still.

I had learned this lesson before, when I had first started counting calories -- my calories have to be balanced. When there's too many carbs, I get hungry. My body goes through carbs like it's going out of style.

Another lesson learned.

Oh, I'm traveling for the next two week and it's going to be hard to eat healthy. My goal is going to be to stay steady weight wise, no attempts to lose, because I won't have much control over the food.

I'll try to find grocery stores and I'm considering buying food and taking it with me, as a precaution. We'll see.

I did go to the gym today to make up for the butter from this morning. Extra time, even.