seeing as the title of my diary is the something about psychosis I can't even remember the title -the lunatic title is all mine and you'll have to fight me for it

no lunatic talk out of youo, missy truly sane people are no fun - i like to think of us slightly non-sane people as having character

If you've been on the plateau for a month, maybe your body needs a break - what have you been doing to get youto this point... a change may be what your body needs.

Another day of struggling but I suppose these days will still come and go. I hate soda but I have filled myself with two cans of Diet Ginger Ale, as I couldnt fathom drinking any MORE water this evening!~ Loads to do tonight and this week for that matter. My other half will be here so soon!

Had a good 40 minutes on the cross trainer this evening. Looking forward to heading back to my beloved gym tomorrow. Signing off.

You did not offend me in my diary... I wrote you a PM explaining my annoyance (not with you but in general). Sorry if I made you feel bad... it was nice of you to offer your support. I read through your diary and saw that my remark hurt your feelings... I really didn't mean to. Don't let that discourage you from going further with this site there is a lot of support here that will help you!

Hi there,

No worried abut the comment but I do really appreciate the apology. I don't accept any form of criticism very well which is mainly what landed me in my current eating situation in the first place. But thank you very much for taking the time to address the situation.

Logging in..almost 7am..I couldnt sleep again last night. It's becoming a regular occurence again, which is worrisome. I'm tired all day, entirely lethargic to the point where I have to force myself to the gym and then around 9pm when i get into bed [I wake up at 520am every morning so the early nights are a necessity], I'm no longer tired. Despite the warm milk, sleepy tea and really banal book that I picked up, knowing that it was so boring it would put me to sleep, my anxiety was wreaking havoc on my brain and just wouldnt shut it off. Perhaps the past few nights [and prospectively this evening] is mainly excitement and exhilaration as my wonderful other half will be here TOMORROW. Let me tell you, long-distance is NOT easy...especially when you're engaged to the man of your dreams and you're an ocean apart while trying to plan your fairy-tale wedding! Despite how much I'm looking forward to seeing him, it will most definitely be bittersweet, as his next visit won't be until August when I fly over to Wales with him-permanently.

Most of my friends cannot seem to comprehend why this move would be so stressful. Well, I'm leaving behind everything remotely familiar and close to me and moving halfway across the world to start a new life with no financial security, no job security and serious students loans calling my name. The things we do for love I suppose..

These super early mornings are rather detrimental to my eating as i'm STARVING when I wake up so early. I try to wait until just before I leave the house at 6am to eat my breakfast but my tummy is always growling at me. So far today:

Breakfast- 1 slice high fiber toast w/ one vegetarian chicken sausage and slice vegan cheese
1/4 cup grapenuts with 1/2 cup soy milk [unfortunately I have to eat these for my digestive issues, despite my distaste for them]
Cals-355 [on target, alllll rigghtt!]

Gloomy day outside- expecting a thunder and lightning storm. Heading down south tonight to see 'Our Town' the musical with the parental units-36 hours until I see my baby! Have a great day everyone!

Haha! After reading such an honest post and then to finish it off with, "I sound crazy!" made me giggle.

Well I am glad that your life is wonderful. However, I don't think you need to loathe yourself over this. Easier said than done, right? Sometimes life is perfectly wonderful, whether we feel deserving of it or not. And if you think 145 is a good weight for you, then don't let other people's goals get in your way. You said you are muscular. I went to college with this stunningly gorgeous girl who had long beautiful hair, nice smiles, great eyes... the whole bit. She weighed in at 155 because she was on the university track team. She was by no means fat. She was slender and her waist was built of defined muscle. Visually, I never would have put her over 130. But that's the glory of muscle. It's that much denser than fat that you can be a certain size at two different weights and the difference is muscle vs fat.

I know earlier you said that you tried hypnosis and that your hypnostic expert pushed you beyond your comfort level. I hate to say it but not everyone who works with the human psyche really should. In college, I saw three different counselors. There was only one that I ever scheduled a second appointment with (and then a whole semester's worth of appointments). The other two, in my uncertified opinion, were nutbags. The first woman was mentally in the 1980s. She was a 30something mom (maybe early 40s) who still wore her high school cheerleading letterman's jacket. She also had a 2yr old daughter that attended the daycare center I worked at. Her and her husband never taught their daughter to walk. She was two and scuttled across the floor using her hands to push her butt in any which direction one foot at a time. The little girl's hips even formed weird because she was use to being carried around or scuttling on the floor. The daycare center staff had to teach her how to stand upright and walk... at 2 yrs old. This woman did not seem qualified to give me life advice... degree or not.

I know not a thing about hypnosis but maybe finding yourself a counselor to get to the root of your self loathing would be good to look into. The one that I saw continuously for a semester was a big contributing factor to my healing process. She didn't know first hand what an eating disorder was like, but she had the type of personality and attitude to help me, give me advice, give me mental exercises and accountability without dictating me or going outside of my comfort levels. She came to appointments knowing that there is a difference between what a book/class/degree can teach you and what it's like to actually endure something. A therapist, psychologist, counselor, hypnotist, doctor, etc., it's like shoe shopping. There are lots of things out there, but you need to find the perfect fit or you end up unhappy (and with blisters ) Look into different people. Your gut will tell you if things will work. However, if you feel uncomfortable or you question the person's advice, then it's time to look elsewhere. Your gut will know

Happy Wednesday!

Thanks for the reply and the support- You're entirely right. I saw someone else before this guy who was less than qualified, in my humble opinion, to counsel me on my 'issues.' Considering I was a devoted Psychology student, I can actually point out what these individuals are doing wrong in their practicing- perhaps the possession of this knowledge is detrimental at times! Nevertheless, you're entirely right in saying I need to find someone I can trust. And I intend to subsequent to my resettlement in the UK.

How do I attach my weight loss ticker to my posts? I'm usually quite electronically savy but accordingly not so in this instance!

in the newcomers section - there's a thread that explains how to apply the tickers...

Fabulous! Thank you. I think I finally have it working- Yipee! Time to get back to work- Happy Wednesday everyone!

Or perhaps not..So electronically impaired sometimes..Let's try this again.

you got it now

Thought I would drop in.

Hiya Steve- Happy Wednesday! Actually, its raining cats and dogs here in NY and perhaps one of the gloomiest days in weeks! Nevertheless, my lack of sleep has left me in a fluctuating state of giddiness and dozing off at my desk... Clearly, the material I'm editing is less than stimulating! How are you?

I am in an excellent mood today, thanks. I am ready for warm weather though!

Likewise! Despite my reluctance to step into a bikini, I'm longing for warmer temperatures! I've just been informed by Andrew [the fiance] that we are, indeed, going on a honeymoon! This news has made my day. We weren't going to have the financial backing to go but his mother has offered to pay for our tickets and relatives for our accommodation so we are going on a pre-wedding honeymoon in August to Cyprus, Greece [pre-wedding because he cannot get time off of work following the wedding]. Even more of a reason to get my body into tip-top shape!

Also, he was selected to play in the Amateur Footbal World Cup in Holland! He's one of the people who is amazing at everything he so much as attempts to do- makes me sick! Anddd he's here in 32 hours- So excited!

Just had my snack of an apple and two piece of hardtack with hummus [160calories]- still on track! My pants feel looser today but no loss on the scale... However, I'm a firm believer that the numbers on the scale are not entirely dependable and to go with how you feel!

for controlling hunger? I've researched this topic endlessly but to no avail. The medicines I have to take regularly increase appetite,unfortunately!

Good Morning! Glad we cleared up an uncomforatble situation.

On another note... About 4 years ago I was in a very similar situation as you are. I was engaged to a wonderful guy who lived 1700 miles away from me! Then I had to make the move and left everything I knew and loved behind. My friends didn't understand either and it made things very hard. Even though I didn't have to move half way around the world I do feel your pain. On one hand it is really great to be able to be with the man of your dreams and start your life... on the other you are in a new place with nothing around you that screams this is home. If you ever want to vent I will be here to listen. It does get better... and LOVE is really worth it.