Wow- that was such an encouraging story to hear today! I'm scared shitless, to be quite frank. I lived in Ireland for a year and in England for a year, both times traveling to these countries with no support network whatsoever. Ireland was wonderful but besides my housemate, I had grave difficulty meeting friends in Leeds, England. Thankfully, I met Andrew shortly after I arrived there and he tended to occupy most of my time and energy outside of my MA. But yes, it is a huge lifestyle change and finding my bearings is going to take a very long time. It looks like And might be stationed in Glasgow, Scotland for his final two years before he leaves the Core. It will be quite an adventure living up in Scotland but again, a brand new beginning. We'll just have to see how things unfold.. Thanks so much for the encouragement! 31 hours til he's here [I know, i'm pathetic- blame it on my hormones]

Morning! Minus the brilliant academic mind and fairy-tale romance so much of what you say just strikes a chord with me. First, I think one of the drawbacks of a forum like this is it sometimes intensifies our natural inclination to compare ourselves unfavorably with others...what/how much they do/do not eat/weigh/exercise, yada yada.

About the not seeing what everyone sees...I know for a fact that what I saw 99% of the time and what others saw was simply two different images - for a long time both during and post weight loss. My internal image (which superimposes itself in the mirror) is slowly coming closer to matching reality...but for a long, long time there was a huge gap. I would (at a size 5 at the time) be in the middle of ironing slacks for work, look at the waistband and have this sudden irrational panic-y thought "no way these are going to fit me" and have to stop ironing, try on the pants and remind/reassure myself, that the fat chick I saw was in my head. And everytime I got a compliment I felt uncomfortably like a fraud - as though I was projecting an illusion of thinnes (does that make sense?)

I finally had to accept (for myself) that having a eating disorder and being body dysmorphic are just firmly intertwined - it was only when I was able to put food firmly in the context of nutrition vs. weight control that I could look at my body objectively. I guess the take-away message is that, as strange and horrible as it feels, as exhausting and at times all consuming as it feels to do the mental work to get past it, it's not forever, it does pass and it can be overcome. Then you get to enjoy all the great aspects of your life - which will be just that much better without the food/body image issues. Just keep hanging in there.

Yay for his upcoming arrival!

As for your move... you will be fine. You are smart, kind and very brave! I'm jealous that you are getting to go to those places! I went from LA to a small town in Louisiana... hmmm I think you're definately getting better scenery!

As for feeling bad... you really do have to look at yourself as your own person. I'm sure that with your height and athletic build you will be looking fantastic at your goal weight! Everyone just wants different things for their own body. I am 5'9" and want to be around 165-170. Now, I know that that will make me happy with myself. If I were to look around at the women on here in my height range I would bet they all want to be thinner than that. Don't let it get you down, just blame the media for making women believe they have to be sticks.

So... how many hours now?

Hiya love,

Thanks for the compliments and the encouragement! You're entirely right in that forums such as these make you continually compare yourself to others as you would in any kind of group situation. I suppose I just need to change my outlook from being discouraged to being inspired. And by the way, I'm not brilliant- I just have an embarrassing tendency to 'write academically' regardless of how personal or impersonal the material i'm writing about might be- I was a student for So long that I am still encountering great difficulty detaching myself from this 'persona', so to speak.

Yes, body dysmorphia is one of the many negative "factors" of having an eating disorder..if anything, it exacerbates the symptoms and inhibits progress. That's why I'm trying to go with how I feel/how my clothes fit rather than my actual size and what I see in the mirror..

I think the most frustrating part of this entire ordeal is that many people will make comments to me about "not needing to worry about my weight." That's what makes me different, I suppose. I'm not obsessive about the numbers on the scale- as I've said from the beginning, i just want to feel 'at home' in my body. I want to feel at peace with my body. And in order to obtain this goal, I want to rid myself of a few inches and a size- I went up and down because of the perpetual cycle of bingeing/purging- through therapy, I stopped the latter but the former still occurs on occasion and this is, obviously, what made my weight escalate. I'm at the lightest I've been since I was 15 but thats when the disorder took reign over my body and my life. SO basically, I just want to feel comfortable with myself and to rid myself of this obsession and consuming need for food.

Its bizarre- i think I have spoken more frankly and sincerely about my disorder and my eating 'issues' more in the past 24 hours than I have through all of my therapy sessions, discussions with my two best friends and my mother. There is such a degree of consolation in anonymity... The problem with private journals is that only you read them so you are concealing your 'secrets'. While any form of artistic expression such as this should be encouraged, it is so much more beneficial to receive feedback on your entries, regardless of if your writing was venting rage or garrulous stress-talking. To me, it gives my feelings and emotions validity- even if its just someone saying 'I know how you feel'- it makes you realize that in this big, lonely world, we are never alone. We just have to be willing to reach out.

HI there!

Thanks for the support again ANd you're entirely right- weight is relative and individualized. My build is extremely muscular so even when I was aesthetically smaller than my friends, I always weighed more. That is why my goal weight is only 150- I don't know what my body would look like if I lost more than that- I've NEVER wanted to be "thin". Personally, I don't find skinny attractive. I just want to be fit and toned. Every girl needs to have some kind of love handles on her- thats what makes us women- Besides, Andrew would never forgive me if I lost anymore than 10 more pounds as he loves my curvy figure [Note: Of the first ten pounds, I'd say about 5 went from my boobs!].

Just over 30 hours in counting...So unproductive at work today. My boss is going to shoot me~

These super early mornings are rather detrimental to my eating as i'm STARVING when I wake up so early. I try to wait until just before I leave the house at 6am to eat my breakfast but my tummy is always growling at me. So far today:

Breakfast- 1 slice high fiber toast w/ one vegetarian chicken sausage and slice vegan cheese
1/4 cup grapenuts with 1/2 cup soy milk [unfortunately I have to eat these for my digestive issues, despite my distaste for them]
Cals-355 [on target, alllll rigghtt!]

Snack: Small apple; 3 slices hardtack with hummus [180 calories]

Lunch: Apple
Two slices hardtack with hummus
Veggie patty with High Fiber english muffin and three slices of tomato
=420 [a bit more than was planned but the lack of sleep/early morning/hormones has made my appetite ridiculous today...I'll still stay under 1350 and just have a big salad for dinner; Then I won't feel guilty]

Just over 28 hours!

So because of medicines I'm forced to take on a daily basis, my appetite is much larger than it used to be..I was hoping people would share their 'secrets' and tips for controlling hunger.. I've heard the 'eat an apple 20 minutes before a meal' and 'eat nuts' but nothing seems to work. I drink LOADS of water and drink hot decaf tea. I hope someone can introduce me to a new magic trick that will stop my tummy from growling all the time!

7:06 a.m. 11 hours until my other half arrives...in counting!

I went down to 'Cuse to see 'Wonderful Town' the musical last night- it was cute and enjoyable as per usual although my digestive problems were kicking my ass throughout the entire performance and have carried on doing so this morning. Damn stomach hates me.

Breakfast: slice HF toast w/ turkey sausage and slice vegan cheese
1/4 cup grapenuts with 1/4 cup ff soy milk

Despite my awakening this morning to SNOW all over the ground, it looks like its going to be a wonderful, sunny day. Apparently, it is supposed to snow all weekend but thankfully, I'll be in Phili running up the 'Rocky' steps of the museum with my beloved [my dream!].

Received an email from an old love/very good friend this morning which really made my day. We had a very short but intense on/off relationship throughout my year in Ireland [yes, he's Irish]. We ended up becoming best friends and developed a friendship that none of my other friends will ever understand. It's nice to know he valued it and continues to do so as much as I do. Despite the fact that I'm getting married, I'll always have a special place in my heart for him- not a romantic love; moreof a soulmate/i'll-never-know-another-like-you love. And its taken me a very long time to differentiate between these two 'types' of love!

Things with my best friend, Kari, are marvelously better and we're as close as ever. You'd think that after 22 years we would become somewhat distant but everytime that begins to happen, we somehow manage to get right back on the beaten track and revamp our friendship. I'm working with her this summer and really, really looking forward to it since its my last summer [and birthday] home, possibly ever.

Feeling like a "fatty bo tatty" today as my tummy is bloated severely due to my digestive issues. My body chooses to hate me far too often these days! I can't have any dairy[and naturally yogurt is my favorite food; soy yogurt doesnt cut it] or sugar or alcohol or soda or artificial sweeteners..the list is endless. I fear it will reach a point where all my stomach will be able to tolerate is water! Okay, enough complaining- my apologies. Have a lovely Thursday everyone- almost the weekend!

10am- Eight hours until his arrival and I'm bloody starving. I've been extremely unproductive this morning as I've been sidetracked by consuming thoughts of my weight. I've been at the same damn weight for weeks upon weeks now and I'm ready to get back on the bandwagon more seriously. I've revamped my fitness routine but I havent been following a stringent eating plan. I bought the Fiber35 Diet, as my stomach problems make it essential that I have a very high fiber intake. I'll check that out this weekend and if that eating plan doesnt sound ideal, i'll have to look elsewhere. Anyone with any ideas?

Hello!

Sorry to hear about all of your digestive problems. I don't really have any life saving ideas for you although I wish I did. As far as high fiber diets go... I myself have to eat a lot of fiber or I will become a complete mess. I usually just buy fiber powder and add it to my everyday food to make sure I'm getting enough. There are certain vegetables themselves that are very high in fiber... I'm not sure of the list but I know that cumcumber is one of them.

I understand being friends with an old love. A guy that I used to date for a while and I are very close. I couldn't imagine not talking to him and sharing parts of my life. Most of my friends just think that I'm holding onto him but it's not true... I'm not in love with him. So yay for getting an e-mail from someone that means so much to you! It's funny how something so simple can brighten your day.

It's important to have such a good friend that you've had in your life for so long. My bf and I have been best friends for 20 years. It's been hard keeping our friendship going over the distance but we make it work. I don't know what I would do without her. Before I moved away her and I went on a trip for a week and i will never forget it. I hope you have fun working with your friend this summer! It will help you make the best of your time together before you leave!

Do not worry about feeling like a "fatty bo tatty" now because in just a few hours your love will be with you and you will forget all about it!

So, how many more hours?

Hope you have a fantastic day and that your body starts being nicer to you!

I can't say that I know what it's like to have that sort of post-relationship friendship bliss with the guys I've dated in the past. There's a good reason we don't date anymore and why I don't want to be friends with them. However, my current boyfriend is on speaking terms with his ex. And it's only uncomfortable for me because she was his first love and they almost got married before she broke his heart. And it's even more frustrating because he was so in love with her and he cares for me, but he's not in love (which breaks my own heart every day). Anyway, I've been frustrated with her calling him (he never calls her unless it's to return her phone call) and I brought it up once and he said, "Candice, I will always care about her just as I will always care about you no matter what happens." That sort of ended the conversation but hasn't ended my uneasiness with her occasional phone calls. So what I'm trying to say is reading that the two of you have talked about being close friends with exes, puts me at a tiny bit of ease. Thanks girls

I can empathize there too. It's terribly uncomfortable for your current love to be close with someone they were once in love with. Exes come in different 'levels', so to speak. This guy and I were never in love- i always thought I loved him but I know it was mere infatuation...so that makes the friendship factor much easier. But love brings an entirely new light to the situation and I don't blame you for feeling slightly uneasy. But it comes down to this, if he wanted to be with her still, he would be- but he has chosen to be with you. You can't extinguish your feelings for someone regardless of how 'over' them you may feel, if that makes sense. But its discouraging for him to tell you that he still feels for her, that i can't imagine I would get very jealous so don't feel at all silly if you have your moments of insecurity and jealousy! Take care and we're here if you need to talk!

He's here in 4 hours- its so surreal! It's going to be 4 1/2 months until I see him next so I am making every minute I'm with him worthwhile!

My abdomen still feels like Freddy Krueger is stabbing a blade into the right side of it- Gosh this is painful- i'm so tired of feeling ill!

Going to be going out to eat a lot this weekend so I am going to try my best to stay within my limits. Starting a more restrictive eating plan next week once I configure exactly what I want and can eat...

How's everyone else today?

I completely agree with crazybecka... if he didn't want you he wouldn't be with you. He is with you now and you are his main priority. As long as he isn't burning up the telephone lines calling her I don't think you have anything to worry about. We will always be here to talk though because I do understand why you would be jealous and threatened in that situation.

Hope you're enjoying your Thursday!

Is he here now?? I'm pretty sure it's been over 4 hours so.... HAVE FUN!!!