Record your trials, accomplishments and moods during weight loss. Looking back on your diary, you may gain valuable insight. Share your notes; let others benefit from your experience as you learn from theirs
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6:37am Monday morning....Boo. Monday mornings are the worst, especially when you have to pull your bum out of a nice, warm bed and out of your lover's arms to come to work through a very dark and gloomy atmosphere. I'm so tired thanks to the incredibly long but very enjoyable weekend that just passed. Andrew was able to meet and visit a few of my extended family members, some of which will not be able to attend the wedding. We went into Phili and naturally, ran up the steps of the 'Rocky' museum, all of which was videotaped. And fell on his face halfway up and still managed to beat me. Speedy Gonzalez!
Can't say I feel so fabulous today considering what i ate this weekend. I hate family- they make you triple your portions and always have yummy junk food stashed everywhere 'just for you.' Well, that is what it feels like anyway. I'm trying to black out the 'eating portions' of the past few days, as I will just get upset and the vicious eating cycle will perpetuate itself. So, I'm starting fresh today; turning a new leaf. Six hours until I'm out of work [doing a shorter day today]. These six hours are going to be excruciating!
I'm planning on starting a new eating plan once And leaves and I can get some organization back into my life but I can't decide where to start this time. I feel like I have tried every 'diet' on the market and have exhausted my options. So, I'm going to have to have a good long think about this one- I have the new Fiber35 Diet book that I'm going to look through tonight butit might just be easiest to eat a healthly balanced diet following within the guidelines of Weight Watchers- we'll see..
How was everyones weekend and Easter? Write more later.
Yay for Andrew's visit! It must feel wonderful. Before I moved to here in February, the boy and I were long distance and even though we were 700 miles apart and he worked for an airline (he gets free flights) we only ever managed to see each other once every two months. It was horrible. Just wait til you get to see him everyday.... *hearts float out of eyes*... hahaha. Hope you have a fabulous week.
So glad to hear that you and your boyfriend talked things through regarding your concerns. It's always such a relief to bear your soul and get things off your chest.. And its even better when your other half is entirely empathetic and understanding of your insecurities and concerns- Sounds like we have our Prince CHarmings!
Yes, we've been long distance since the beginning as well. Two months into our relationship, we went two months without seeing each other as he went off to Norway. I left the UK in September and I didnt see him until Christmas [3 months]. So, this four month stretch is a bit longer and thereby more daunting than the other periods, but considering its summer and I'll be working like crazy, I'm sure I'll survive somehow. I just have to keep reminding myself that after these four months, i'll be seeing him everyday for the rest of my life!
Saturday marked 6 months until our wedding day [October 7]- its so surreal!
And brought me lots of little surprises for Easter including a Build-a-bear Penguin named Mumbles [i'm obsessed with stuffed animals and i LOVE the movie Happy Feet], my favorite British chocolate, a cute sundress and another Welsh stuffed animal- i'm so spoiled
I'm debating between working the six hours I was going to work as of last night in order to secure a higher paycheck or work the originally planned 4 hours and going home to surprise Andrew in bed.. Leaning toward the latter already...
Any other news? How's everyone's eating/exercising?
After a very enjoyable weekend with my other half, he, sadly, departed for the UK yesterday leaving me feeling quite despondent and lost on the whole. He reminded me before he left that the next time he comes over [in August], I'll be returning 'home' with him- hearing that made everything seems a little brighter.
Started anew today and am sticking to healthy eating. Going to do a 2 day detox tomorrow and Friday and then start my new eating plan saturday- hopefully I have found something I can actually stick to! Looking forward to going to the gym this afternoon as I feel miserably out of shape after taking almost an entire week off now. Nevermind, though- there's no point in focusing on the past!
10 hour days for the rest of the week and working an additional 4 hours Saturday and then bartending at night. Yikes- going to be a long few days! Time to go back to work- 3 1/2 hours to go! Have a good day everyone!
Eating progressed quite well today and I had a fabulous workout at teh gym. Spoke with my beloved a few times and despite extreme fatigue, he is back at the base cursing himself for ever leaving me [or so I like to think].
I'm presently flaberghasted as I met someone on here today who is also from NY, marrying a British man, also getting married in a castle, getting married THE DAY BEFORE I am, her sister has my name..I mean, the similarities are absolutely inane- its so neat- Lolabride- you rock
I'm loving this website and all of the support and encouragement you all provide- everyone on here is just fabulous
Check out my photo page below to relive my adventures over the past few years [in case you're really bored and want to see some silly photos] Have a great night everyone!
Top of the mornin' to ya'll! It is far too early to be awake, I believe. But, nevertheless, I sit here at my desk avoiding diligence and my pile of papers on my desk to sign in on this very dreary and miserable morning.
I started my two-day detox this morning, which almost always makes me feel worlds better. So on Saturday I will begin my new 'eating plan' in accordance with proper caloric intake and the Fiber35 diet principles.. I'm adapting the eating plan to fit my lifestyle and food preferences. We'll see how it goes. I have my next wedding dress fitting in two weeks so I need to be sure its not too tight! I've continued with my Buff Brides Workout and I really like it- it pushes me to break a sweat and fatigue my muscles but its not too straining, like the previous workout my p/t had me doing. It's perfect
I wish my gym offered better classes, as most of the classes that are offered are not of interest to me and those that are are at times when I'm at work. That's how the cookie crumbles I suppose! Practiced my guitar for a while last night..think I am finally getting the hang of it. I CAN'T WAIT to be able to play smoothly so I can continue with my songwriting. Theoretically, I could continue writing on my grande piano but I have difficulty composing on piano these days. I'm writing my fiance a song to sing at our wedding and my guitar teacher offered to help me write music for it, which is super exciting!
I find that very few people read my diary or at least comment on it.. Perhaps I need to spice things up a bit and try to be more interesting- Boring is something I am most certainly not!
Thanks to my friend Blair [who is an American marrying a British man also; getting married the day before me about 20 miles from where I am getting married in Wales; bridesmaids are also going to be in black; is also orig. from NY; has a sister/maid of honor who shares my name; is arriving in the UK in August two days before me...my god the coincidences are AMAZING], I made a wedding page for any of you romantics out there who want to read about my upcoming wedding/how my fiance and I met- Here's the site:
Becka I finally read you whole thread! I am amazed at your courage and dedication...and at your willingness to admit in front of everyone what you are going through. I commend you so much and I really look up to you. This post is giving me the strength to admit something myself.
Because of you, I can admit that I too have done the "binge and purge." There. I said it. I have NEVER in my life admitted that to ANYONE. It has been a dark secret for over 20 years. It stated when I was 14 and a model and I needed to stay super skinny. I kept my weight around 110-115 for years and I am 5'9". WAY skinny!!! That and copious amounts of cocaine. I really didn't FEEL like eating. My natural lifestyle thereafter has made it easier to eat better, especially in NYC, but since I have been working in LA, and I get taken to business dinners frequently, I have resorted to it again. I have not thown up in months, but when I was at my heaviest, around the holidays, I would eat these HUGE meals with clients, drink a lot of water, then excuse myself to the bathroom. I had it down to a science so that nobody would hear, I could control the amount I eliminated at once so that it would not hurt my thoat coming up from too much mass, and I assumed the water (and the quickness) would dilute any acid enough so that I would not get "burned" or hurt my tooth enamel.
Usally I would not be hungry for HOURS afterwards even though my stomach got empty. but after a while if doing this..I would immediately be ready for more food.
it started out just as a way to be able to eat normal meals people were buying me (I usually eat smaller meals alone.) I didn't want to seem ungracious and sometime I would have back to back meetings all day and I could just not EAT all that food. It began just as a way to be able to physiclly EAT all those social meals. Also about 10 years ago I would employ it if I "double booked" dates with 2 different men on the same night. You know NYC...sometimes you gotta do that...I would empty my stomach so that I could have another dinner with someone else later.
This sounds crazy...yes I know. I'm fully aware of that. But once I got a boyfriend, and he turned into a fiancé, and we stared eating together all the time, and eating ENGLISH food at that...I started packing on the pounds.
When firstI started trying to lose weight, I started throwing up since I already knew that I could, to try to control my eating. I didn't know what else to do. As a person in her mid 30's who has never had the need to manage weight issues, I suddenly found myself overweight and had no idea how it happened or what to do about it. The concept of a diet or lifestyle change was just beyonf my comprehension.
I did what you did. I became the google master, which ultimately led me to the meal plan I'm on now.
people here keep commending me for my spirit and my attitude, but really..I don't know what I'm doing and I'm only "fired up" and successful because I'm just beginning something new and we all know how great toys are on Christmas morning!!! Can I keep it up? I just don't know. Can I manage a LIFETIME of watching my weight and controling it after a lifetime of not really thinking about it? I JUST DON'T KNOW. I feel like my attitude right now is not truly indicative of what kind of personality I REALLY have and I feel like a phony or an actress. "The dedicated dieter." Maybe I have to fool myself too. I have only been trying for 2 weeks. So I HOPE I can do it. That's why I'm here. I need witnesses to keep me in line.
Your post made me cry and I'm very glad I read it. you made me admot some hard things to myself and the world.
[QUOTE=LolaBride;234422]Becka I finally read you whole thread! I am amazed at your courage and dedication...and at your willingness to admit in front of everyone what you are going through. I commend you so much and I really look up to you. This post is giving me the strength to admit something myself.
Blair,
Oh gosh where do I start..first and foremost, I commend YOU for being so brave and frank with your struggle with your eating disorder [or disordered eating- however you prefer defining it..the former seems so much more extreme, doesnt it!]. Similar to myself, i could sense how incredibly difficult of a challenge this was for you and without sounding too cliche, I can honestly say that expressing those words out loud is a HUGE step- trust me.
I can empathize entirely with you as you articulated how you would get the b/p process down "to a science" and you would actually plan ahead so you knew when you could eat and be rid of it and when you would have to keep it in your system. That's part of the control that a disorder gives you- its You determining What you Eat and whether or not you keep it down..
And those people buying you the meals and the meals themselves are what I call 'diet sabotagers' or 'enablers.' Like you mentioned, similar to when a friend buys you a box of chocolates or your other half buys you a big expensive dinner, you wouldnt dare refuse the offer in fear of insulting or compromising the generosity..so you're stuck with the food and the mental mindgames that begin at the first sight, bite and swallow of each morsel. After a while of this perpetual process, you develop this mentality that it is perfectly acceptable to respond this way since you are not eating the food on your own accord... But once rationality chimes in and you stop trying to justify your actions, you open your eyes to the reality of the situation- you're beating the hell out of your body and making yourself crazy.
And again, I can empathize with the British fiance who eats all of that fattening but oh so delicious British food- I put on most of my weight this summer eating Chinese and Indian takeaways and potatoes, etc. And of course, the bloody British chocolate and sweeties that far exceed ours on this side of the pond. You always trick yourself into believing that "since he can eat it and not gain weight or feel guilty, perhaps I can as well", thereby ignoring the little voice screaming "You're going to regret this and want to purge after you finish it.."
And I would love to tell you there's a quick fix or easy cure to the problem but I'm afraid this story doesnt have the fairy-tale plot that our romantic lives seem to share. We have an obsession, an addiction if you will. And there is no easy way to shut off the brain mechanism that says "eat, eat" anymore than the one that screams "purge purge." But you can learn to tame it; to begin controlling it... I started therapy in December and while I would love to say I havent binged/purged since, that would be an enormous lie. I have perhaps five or six times since November which is a massive improvement from the 3-4 times weekly that my disorder had escalated to in the fall.
The greatest thing I have learned to do is to recognize and entirely avoid my trigger foods- cookies, peanut butter, ice cream..oh you know, all of the yummiest foods in the world. I can't just have a taste of these foods- the guilt sets in immediately and I know that I will need to eradicate the food from my body, which, as you know, then leads me to extend this mere 'taste' into a full-out binge. So, when I manage to avoid these foods, I can stay on track and remain somewhat sane! But that doesnt mean that happens all of the time, especially over the past two weeks. When I'm really stressed or really happy, I tend to adopt a carefree attitude where I think I can consume whatever I want and not feel guilty about it later- I delude myself into believing that the disorder isnt a part of me and that I can entirely separate myself from it. Unfortunately, this is far from the truth.
Eating has controlled my life- my actions- my relationships for a very, very long time. My mood is determined by how I fit into my clothing or what the numbers on the scale read; my happiness is indicative of how long I have managed to go without weakening to a binge. It is a realization that has taken well over a decade to come to but it is such a relief to finally be able to articulate and verbalize all of the emotions and chaos that have been terrorizing me for such a long time. I have an addiction and while I will never be cured, someday, hopefully in the near future, I will reach a point where I will no longer use food in response to or in lieu of my emotions.
As for you, just breathe. You do know what you are doing or you wouldnt have even joined this forum. Perhaps this new eating plan is a bit foreign to you, as are the primary elements of dieting but don't fret- once you pick up the few basic principles, the rest tends to fall into place. One thing you really have going for you is a very optimistic, motivated and goal-oriented attitude- that is something I need you to rub off on me!
What I have learned after trying 450 diets [I'm slightly melodramatic..] is that no "diet" will work long-term- what you need to adopt if a lifelong eating plan.. Something that becomes entirely automatic and that you can follow wherever you are in the world, regardless of the type of food or preparation. If this is what you do, then yes, you can most definitely maintain the eating. It doesnt mean you have to give up the "taboo" foods for life- you are certainly permitted to indulge every so often! It just means that beans on toast with sausages and ham and British chips should be a monthly dinner and not a daily one!
The most important mechanism behind eating right and working toward a goal is to be HONEST with yourself. The point of this forum is to be brutally sincere with yourself; the anonymity eradicates the fear of someone 'finding you out' that you know. We are all here for a reason and there should be nothing you feel ashamed about. If you consume 5000 calories in one meal, write about it- write about how it made you feel. If you b/p, write about it- or write to me alone and tell me why you did it and how you felt about it. You won't believe the effect that honestly can have on your well-being. For the first time in my life, i have begun to be honest with myself as of late and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's like, "I have an eating disorder, so what? I'm working my tail off to attempt to control it so if I screw up every so often, I just need to get back on track right away before I let myselg go again." Honesty is KEY here.
Fooling yourself will only lead to disaster and ineffectiveness. Try your eating plan for a few weeks and if you find it to be a huge effort to attempt to maintain or find it unenjoyable/too complicated or anything but 'ideal' for you, try something new. If I have learned anything in my 23 years it is that when it comes to losing weight, you just need to figure out what works for you. I'm so proud of you and I look up to YOU for your honesty with yourself and everyone on this forum!
Phew- that was a VERY long post- sorry to anyone who had to sit through it but I apparently had a lot to say on the issue. Day ONE of detox almost over- one to go- ugh, i feel sick! All my love to everyone!
Hi Becka! I'm one of those people who read but don't necessarily comment everyday on your diary ..its not that you are not interesting (because you certainly are)...I just tend to (usually) keep my mouth shut unless I think I have something at least semi-relevant to contribute. And at any rate I wouldn't worry about "spicing" up your diary for the interest of others...at the end of the day it's all about you and if dealing in your own way with your own particular issues helps you - who cares if one or a hundred and one other people find them interesting?
I saw a little show on PBS a couple weeks ago about the Fiber 35 program and it reinforced my own commitment to keep aiming to get more in on a daily basis...I'm thinking about buying the book just to read more about it. It'll be interesting to see how it works for you. At any rate you are definitely going to be a stunning bride!
I just wanted to add one comment about what Lolabride wrote, and your response to it. I highly suspect that, despite different lifestyles and circumstances, the three of us could each tell a personal story about an episode of binge eating that would be eerily similar - and yet would leave someone who has never experierinced that particular problem shaking their head in confusion.
You are so right about honesty (with yourself and others) being key, and sadly enough, there is no quick, easy, fairy tale ending to that particular story. But I will say from the perspective of someone who has been there, done that and is heading into a year and five months of happily binge free living - yes it's hard as hell to overcome, harder than most people will ever have any idea of, yes there are moments when it seems like such comfortable, familiar, almost logical behavior. But yes, yes and yes, even if you have to "fake it till you make you" at times, it's a problem that can be tackled, overcome and left in the dust....IMO recognizing the behavior for what it is (dysfunctional, unhealthy, embarrassing and addictive), admitting it to yourself and others, and taking steps to change it - that's over half the battle right there.
And the thing about trigger foods. Good grief, I've been avoiding those for so long that I forgot about it till I read what you wrote...for me that was totally crucial...finding out what foods trigger the start of a binge cycle and crossing them off my list forever...for me icecream is number one. The hard part is ignoring people who've never walked down that particular path saying "oh, everything is okay in moderation"....no, not for all of us. Not eating ice cream the rest of my life will not contribute to or detract from my happiness, but I honestly feel like a return to that behavior would kill me (did someone say melodramatic ).
[QUOTE=cym;234493]Hi Becka! I just wanted to add one comment about what Lolabride wrote, and your response to it. I highly suspect that, despite different lifestyles and circumstances, the three of us could each tell a personal story about an episode of binge eating that would be eerily similar - and yet would leave someone who has never experierinced that particular problem shaking their head in confusion.
Hi there! Thanks for the support- its nice to know there are other people who struggle with similar issues. I did not mean to articulate that we cannot overcome eating disorders- one of my best friends has been purge-free for three years after struggling for ten! What I meant to emphasize is that it is not an easy journey and most certainly will not happen overnight. And I think in my cases, those obsessive thoughts and fears of 'relapsing' are so engrained in our minds that they will never go away 100%- there will always be some remnants of our disorders, just as there are with almost every experience we endure- Lingering thoughts that sometimes pertrude our everyday thinking and make us fearful of returning to bad habits. Perhaps this strain of though is provoked because I am only at the beginning of my journey to healing and I have a very long way to go until I can 'leave this problem in the dust'. It is just a matter of experience and opinion at the end of the day But I do agree with you that it is a surmountable and controllable problem- it just takes a very long and patient journey to get there.
I didnt mean to compare myself to Blair, nor to anyone else struggling with an eating disorder- its not a comparable situation as the depth, duration and extent of the disorder is entirely individualized. But I think if we speak frankly about our experiences and attempt to find similarities, that connection could be integral to the healing process. I know that just in my two weeks on this site, I feel at peace with so many aspects of my disorder just knowing that there are people out there who have concealed their problem as long as I have!
The 'eating in moderation' philosophy just doesnt work for those of us who see junk food as a synonymous best friend and enemy. It's all or nothing, as far as I'm concerned! Thanks again for your support and comment more often- nothing you say is irrelevant or pointless- its those who neglect to use their voices rear themselves irrelevant! Take care xo
Ahhh...yet another miserable and gloomy morning in my hometown. We're expecting more snow today- its freaking April my friends! Bloody north country weather. Yet another level of confirmation of why I need to move to the UK!
No news to report really. Day 2 of the detox. Easy thus far although consuming meat always makes me feel sick! This heartburn problem is worsening so I think its time I go back to the doctors or rather, find a new one as mine is entirely indifferent to my physical health. Damn doctors!
It's friday today, which is why my mood is rather upbeat despite the shite weather! Working late, then the gym and then grocery shopping for Mom [she hates it while I LOVE IT- she's my best friend in the world so I don't mind doing her favors]. Then, homeward bound to practice my guitar and reorganize my life! Working tomorrow 830-1230, then gym, then bartending 5pm to 3am- Yikes- not the best of all Saturdays! However, money is tight at the moment so i need to make every cent I can before the big move and wedding!
I'm really worried about one of my best mates, Jess, at the moment, as she has had three of the most traumatic and horrible months.. Every single horrible thing that could have happened to her has taken place [from being dumped to loss of her grandmother to finding out one of her b/f's cancer has come back]. I hate feeling so helpless in these situations as despite the minimal counsel I can offer, there is little I can do to better the situation i've sent the care packages and cards ceaselessly]. Poor girl- she's been through so much in the 23 years of her life
Back onto happier thoughts...I had my photos developed yesterday from Scotland- they're gorgeous... Made me miss the other half tremendously but I know we'll be togehter forever in four short months so I'm trying to enjoy my time on my own [andw ith my family/friends] at the present. Okay, enough garrulous chatter- time to work! Hope everyone has a great day!
Day Two of the detox- looking forward to eating real food again tomorrow! 4 hours left at work- Go Becky Go. Okay I'm a closet nerd, I admit it. Just returned from a Microdermabrasion session at the Dermatologist office. It always makes my skin so incredibly soft- I'd definitely recommend it to anyone with acne/facial scarring or someone who just wants smoother skin!
Supervisor is super moody today so i'd best get back to work- Gosh I hope the weather starts looking up or I'm going to be workign with Cruella De Ville forever! Hope ya'll are having a great day! xxx
LALALALA! Gosh I'm bored. My work ethic has gone straight down the tubes over the past twenty minutes..It's friday, I've done 10 hour days all week and I'm bloody tired of staring at this computer screen! I tried putting on some calming music in the background but that is putting me to sleep!
My good friend from high school at her baby yesterday- I got to hold the little bugger- I was so terrified I would break him in two! He's beautiful, though. I'm going to visit her again tonight after work.
It stopped snowing- FINALLY. But I believe it is supposed to start again in a few hours- poop! Hope everyone is having a great day- DETOX is still going well!
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