Sam- Havent really maintained focus over the weekend but hoping to regain motivation tomorrow. Jot down a few reasons why you want to lose weight- your conscience may surprise you!

We can 'buddy-up' and try to lose these last stubborn 12 pounds together- Starting tomorrow [Monday], we're going to get back on target- okay!? Operation Losethoselasttwelve starts NOW!

I had a very busy, action-packed weekend and didnt leave the bar last night until 3:45- I couldnt get the last few customers out as they were so incredibly intoxicated and were refusing to abandon their "philosophical" conversations! I made better money than I had the preceding nights so I was quite pleased with that. Nevertheless, the late nights screw with my circadian rhythms and I was EXHAUSTED ALL DAY today.

Also entered a quite disconcerting and relentless argument with the parental units- its been a really tough day in that regard. We just don't understand each other sometimes and they're still convinced that everything I do amounts to the fact that I am a spoiled, ungrateful child. Every time I forget to put a dish in the dishwasher or speak up for myself when they're yelling at me unjustly, I regress into that sixteen year old state of mind and abandon my principles and start slamming doors, etc. It's so ridiculous and it makes my self-esteem hit rock bottom. Needlesstosay, today has been really bloody horrible and I'm hoping tomorrow brings better events.. Goodnight all

7am. Feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted after a mentally gruelling weekend of working, babysitting and arguing with the parental units. I still don't know where I stand with them but I feel too lethargic to contemplate the issue any further. I'm 23 and still having 'door slamming' fights with my parents- think its time to start reevaluating.

Scale didnt budge today but that can be easily attributed to what I ate yesterday combined with it being TOM. Bloody PMS [no pun intended]- one of the guiltiest contributors to the damaging of one's self-esteem!

Not feeling very motivated today, which I suppose is unsurprising after the weekend I had. I don't understand how your mood can escalate from feeling wonderful and optimistic to feeling downright miserable and like the world is against you. Some days, I feel like I have bipolar!

On a positive note, the sun is shining and its already 60 degrees at 7 am today. Bad news, I'm stuck inside working damnit! Have to do 10 hour shifts through Thursday as I need to leave for the Cape friday morning. Last wedding dress fitting this weekend- so incredibly surreal, indeed. Alright, I'd best get back to work- have a great day everyone!

BECCA! We have sweet days ahead with reclaiming our self-esteem by going sugar-free! In a way, the world is against us with all of the advertising we're bombarded with for junk food. Regarding the mood swings, sugar will do that.

I'm glad you're with me on the no sugar thing!

Basically, my entire life is changing right now. I'm preparing myself to leave home permanently and move across the ocean to Wales for what could very well be the rest of my life. I'm leaving behind my friends, family and familiar surroundings to a new culture and location where the only person I know is my fiance [and his faimly obviously]. That alone is making me crazy. Throw the wedding planning, living under my parent's roof and balancing two jobs with other responsibilities on top of that and you have my well-being.

Life is about choices and I have chosen to pursue this path in life. I just wish things could operate a bit more smoothly. I hate arguing with my parents but i never seem to be capable of obtaining their approval- no matter what I do. I can never please them and I'm always perceived as the spoiled, ungrateful teenager I once was. Its just so difficult. my Mom is my best friend in the world- when we argue or when I let her down, I can't seem to pick myself back up as I can in other circumstances. I'm used to my Dad being a jerk to me- I've never had the type of relationship with him that I've always yearned for- and most of the time, I'm quite capable of just ignoring him and his condescending and hurtful comments. But with Mom, it is different. Besides Andrew, She's my everything. And i just feel immersed in a nice deep puddle of guilt, self-depracation and befuddlement. Monday, monday...

Becca, I think anyone would feel crazy living with the 'rents, even in the best of circumstances. Talk about each knowing how to push the others buttons! Soon you will be out of the house and door slamming will turn to eyeball rolling on the phone.

When I married my husband I left everything I knew and moved south from the NE (he was in the USMC). It was the scariest and most difficult thing I did BUT BUT BUT it really forced me to strengthen my self-esteem and confidence and rely less on the environment and more on myself to make myself happy. It was also very exciting as is being a newlywed. I never could deal with those big bugs in the south, though.

You have an exciting adventure ahead! Guilt is good if it motivates you to make changes. No beating yourself up- that's shame.

Have a great Monday! I dare you!

Becka,

Well, parents will be parents. I ended up moving back home last May after undergrad was over due to some unplanned events that changed literally everything that I thought would happen after undergrad. Needless to say, I realized that as soon as I moved back in, they tried to start raising me and parenting me. I'm an only child (and I suspect you may be as well) and it's always been rough. My extended fam is dysfunctional which has always made life with my parents even tougher. I know what the yelling is like, etc. The reason I live with Jeff is because living at home was putting me into a terrible, deep depression. So in any case, once you move in with Andrew, it won't matter how far away everyone is or that you have no friends quite yet. You'll be so much happier (and wedded blissfully to boot!) that you won't notice for some time. It's going to get much, much better. AND... since moving out of my parents house I've dropped some poundage because I'm in a less stressful environment. Hope you have a wonderful week

Thanks for the support

Hey love- thanks for the support- I appreciate it. I composed a long email to my mother where I explained how I felt and why I felt it. Ideally, this will help to eradicate future arguments being handled the way they have in the past. If nothing else, I feel better having gotten so much off my chest finally.

I have a horrible headacheagain today and I'm trying not to medicate myself. I can't figure out why they have gone back to visit me [couldnt be the stress]. Back to work.. 2 1/2 hours left!

Hi Becka!! Sorry to read about your stressful weekend. Living with your parents after a certain age is hard. There's just no getting around that. A few of my friends still live with their parents and have the same "slamming door" fights that you have with yours. Don't let it get you too down. Your mom loves you and that is why it will always work out. You will never have to worry about a fight ruining your relationship because a mothers love is endless. I hope that today is treating you better and you've pulled yourself out of the muck. Put a great big smile on your face and enjoy the rest of the time you have with your friends, family and home before you make the big move. You have a big journey ahead of you that will only make all this stuff seem so trivial.

So when your dress is all fitted are you going to be posting pictures?? I would really like to see!

Have a great day Becka you really deserve it!

Thanks for the kind words, Holly- I really appreciate it! Mom and I worked things through and I'm feeling worlds better today. We took a huge chunk of time last night to go over wedding plans so i'm starting to get very excited about my big day! I'm having my final dress fitting this weekend [EEK!] SO I think that will make everything even more surreal. I promise I'll finally post some pics of me in my dress next week!

I think my body is carbohydrate intolerant- I've been reading a lot about how certain individual's bodies have a difficult time breaking down carbs and I am questionning if there is truth to it. I NEVER used to eat carbs and now I consume quite a few of them. Granted, they're all pure whole grain wheat [rather than refined 'enriched' wheat flour] and really high in fiber, perhaps it is blocking my weight loss.

Back up a pound today and I know it doesnt really mean much since its TOM and weight fluctuation, etc.- but its still frustrating darnit! Started this 'no-sugar thing for real today [along withn 'GainingME']. Going to monitor it closely for these next two weeks to notice if I see any changes with not just my weight loss but my physical ailments. My headaches and daily heartburn have been worse than ever lately! Presently falling asleep at desk.. So tired! Big meeting w/ my two bosses today but they won't tell me what the meeting is about- just said its something positive-scary! I'm super psyched that I get to see my best friend, Chelle this weekend- its been too long! Have a great day everyone!

I'm so glad that you and your mom are back on track... YAY for finalizing some wedding details! I really can't wait to see a pic of you in your dress. I'm sure you look amazing!!!

Weird about the carbs thing although it makes a lot of sense since you've been having so many problems. I think it's a great idea that you monitor yourself closely for the next couple of weeks. Maybe you will be able to get to the bottom of this!

Sorry to hear about your one lb gain. I'm sure this is all related to your monthly visitor! Hopefully you will be able to wake yourself up for your meeting! lol... let us know how it goes. Exciting about you and your friend getting to see each other. Does she live far away?

Well, hope you have great day!!! Talk to you soon!

Thanks for the support Holly

I've spent the lsat 24 hours trying to figure out why, despite my efforts, my clothes feel tight. I've gradually attributed it to it being TOM and my taking into too many carbs, despite the extremely restrictive caloric intake. I'm getting extremely discouraged as of late, however, because NOTHING seems to be working anymore. So, I am considering pseudo-following the South Beach diet as I know it works and it might give me the boost I need. I'm usually adamantly against 'fad diets' but I think if you take certain principles from any diet book or regimen and adapt it to fit your life and your lifestyle, then,ideally, it can work for you in the long-term. 'Gainingme' and I [gosh I really need to know you name!] have made a commitment to get off sugar so I've basically already contended with the main premise to the SBD. I may do one week so the first phase [instead of the required two], as my body can't take that much meat. Upon reading last night, I realized that I've been basically doing the second stage for months, cutting out refined products from my diet as they're simply not good for you. But I'm one of those people who really needs a regimented and strict plan to follow. These past two weeks have showed me that trying to me 'lax' and take my eating 'in stride' just doesnt work for me. It's the control issue that is embedded in my eating disorder. I need to know that what I'm eating is "ok" and not considered part and partial of a "binge." So, I think I'm going to go and buy the SB recipe books today at lunch and perhaps start my version of phase one on sunday [i'm having a big soiree fri/sat night with my girls so i dont' want to start it and screw it up!].

I just hate feeling so discouraged when I've been working so hard to reach my goals. It's not the numbers on the scale as much as the way my clothes fit and the constant bloating that I experience. I want to be proud of my body and the efforts I have made to get to my goal. I just can't do that without some kind of strict regiment. It doesnt work for me, not because I am lacking of knowledge regardinging nutrition or fitness; in some cases, I feel like a guru at times as I've just read SO much. But anyone who has coped with an e/d in the past knows the effect food can have on one's mind and knows that being strict is the only way to avoid binging and keeping your self-esteem up. So, that's my decision. Until sunday, i'm going to decrease my carb/fiber intake [i was getting almost 55g of fiber and 200g of carbs daily, despite the fact that they were not refined my body doesnt like that many!] and just be as careful as possible.

Phew, long entry. Time for work- have a great day everyone!

Feeling discouraged rots, but it will pass, YOU will pass it!

Reconsider the IBS diagnosis you said you got but questioned. I know for me and my IBS, my trigger foods make me look preggo. No lie.

I may, indeed, reconsider the diagnosis. I tried taking Zelnorm over the last month but, unfortunately, did not find any relief. Ironically the first phase of the South Beach Diet excludes the "typical" IBA trigger foods so I suppose I will be killing two birds with one stone [I hate how incredibly vicious that sounds]! So, if I see a difference this time around, when I reintroduce the grains, etc. back into my diet after the first two weeks, I'll try wheat-free bread again. Do you do gluten-free as well? I'm allergic to dairy so I only consume soy products anyway. Along with cutting out sugar, I have cut out caffeine as my daily decaf was turning into 2 diet sodas a day and I know how bad that is for me. So, the plan is to do my adaptation of Phase One of the SBD for 1/2 weeks starting Sunday as it coincides entirely with the traditional 'IBS diet'. We'll see how I feel after that! Thanks for the advice.

How are you feeling? Your posts have been so short! How is everyone else?

I am feeling great! I'm just very very busy with work! Thanks! (And my wrist tendonitis makes me be brief!)

Oh, I do gluten-free, too except for oatmeal!