I've never been good at dairies or journals. Hopefully I don't fail at journaling here.

My story... Another EEK! My history from what I've read may be a bit different from other stories here. I hope you wont kick me out anyway .

I've had struggled in the past with anorexia. It started pretty much as a child with my mom always telling me I was too big. I was always a "thin" kid. But about age 13 is when my food limitations started. By the time I was 16 I was barely 80 lbs. I'd eat no breakfast, a snicker bar for lunch with a soda. For supper I'd have the minimal amount to get by without anyone saying anything to me. If I was "lucky" I'd get to skip supper. My freshman year in high school I met some different friends and developed some bad habits, but I sometimes wonder if those bad habits didn't save my life. I managed to make it to 114 lbs my sophmore year and then... got pregnant. I never reverted to my "bad habits" after my pregnancy and tried to maintain better eating habits.

After I graduated from high school I wanted to look "healthy" My arms were not much more than little "sticks". I know I looked ill. I started to work out and looked fairly muscular. I also managed to gain weight, mostly muscle. I'd guess that I had a single digit body fat percentage. After my second child, I started college and the past four years I have gained a bit of weight. Nearly 30 lbs. So, really not a lot except that I still have those thoughts that if I just didn't eat for a few days except maybe a peice of fruit or stick of cheese... I'd be able to loose that weight so much quicker. There have been days in the past few months, more than I'd like to count, that I've had to force myself to eat. I was hungry but I didn't want to eat. I felt I deserved to feel hungry because I had eaten to much that day already. Logic says eat if your hungry, my brain says if I'm hungry I must deserve to feel that way. Today, I've had maybe 900 calories. Still a snack and dinner to go though. I've been keeping track and making sure I get at least 1400 to 1600 calories a day, from healthy foods.

So that's why I'm here. Not necessarily to loose a ton of weight, but to loose the weight I gained in a health manner that wont allow me to not eat. Anorexic support sites for me are not healthy. I don't walk away from them feeling like I should eat healthy. I walk away from them feeling like I shouldn't eat.

My goals are to get back to my starting college weight, approximately 125. It is my goal to loose not more than 1.5 lbs per week. The first couple weeks I failed to eat much and lost 6 lbs. Then I did better and in the last three weeks I've lost another three. A pound a week, or even less, I think is probably much safer. I've been doing cardio, swimming, walking (I can't jog or run, I think it's physically impossible!). Cardio is mild intervals. Bit higher intensity, then lower intensity. Swimming is from one to two hours once a week, the rest is no more than an hour four days a week. Saturday is Yoga or Pilates. I lift weights for my arms 3 times a week and do the legs twice a week in the mornings for only 20 min a day on weekdays only. I have dumbells but need to upgrade. I can easily do to many bicep curls, chest presses, and fly's with the weights I have. So, that's my next shopping trip. I'm still on girly push ups though and can barely manage a tricep dip. I think I'm not equipped for push ups . My legs stayed fairly muscular and I really don't have anything with them I'd like to improve. My thighs could be a bit less muscular though. I've always had trouble fitting my thighs into pants because my quads are huge. Nicely defined, but huge. My tummy is mainly a mass of strech marks from two pregnancies. I'd love to see even a little definition there someday. I wont hold out to much hope on that though.

Michelle

hey there michelle:
Like you already know im also new here but I think the main goal of all the people who are here is to be healthy! we are all different and have different life stories that's what makes us unique and special! Congratulations on wanting to be a healthier person! sometimes we just need to learn to love ourselfs and accept everything about ourselves including our past and mistakes thats when we can really start making a Real Change in our lifes. Keep the hard work and remember to give life a great smile just for today; today is the only day we have cuz yesterday is gone and tomorrow is too far away
Well I guess im way too inspired right now I ll stop now. you dont really want an entire novel here

Alejandrina

I'm sorry for your struggles with food. Congratulations on your new beginning and your two children.

Thank you both for your replies .

Yesterday and today were both good days. I went for a nice walk yesterday with my daughter and husband. I did one hour of DDR last night and lifted some weigths this morning. I still need to get my heavier weights. Maybe tonight... AND I repotted some flowers! Now, if I could just get the rest of my pesky homework done...

Food was okay, today, too. Dinner last night was fruit (one day a week). Fruit is not high in calories. I have it with ice cream, but that's not much either. I was a little low, didn't make my 1600 yesterday, but will today.

It rained all night and is still raining today. I wanted to go for a walk when my husband got home, but I know he wont go out there with me. I might have to take an umbrella and go it alone today. I just love the smell of rain!

Sounds like your determined and mentally ready for this challenge which is a good start.

Walking is a great exercise, and easy to enjoy especially with family. I can't say the same for rain, but it really helps with allergies the following morning.

I wish you the best with your family as well, and it sounds like your doing a fine job so far, keep it up .

hello michelle!
hope you enjoy your walk on the rain! i also love how it smells when it rains hope you had a wonderful day!

do you have the home version of DDR? if so how do you get your mat not to slip all over the place? mine is supposed to have that grip stuff on it but it still seems to slide.

but anyways it sounds like you will do fine and i hope you had fun in the rain

Stacey

I do have the home version and my mat.. it slides. After every song while the next one is loading I have to bend back down and slide it back over. Sometimes I forget, then the next song I'm not hitting any of the steps and fail miserably. It used to stick to my feet (supposed to do it barefoot) so I got some of those socks with the grippers on the bottom and at least now it doesn't stick to me (or the floor...). I have DDR ultramix 3 and DDR universe. I got the second one because doing the same songs over and over gets boring.

I did have fun in the rain! It was just drizzling/sprinkling. I had an umbrella but my feet were soaked after a mile! Small price to pay .

See you tomorrow! Off to bed for me pretty soon.

Michelle

Glad to see you're doing well.

I'm contemplating joining one of those run/walks. My "running" is a brisk walk. I can do a mile in about 11 min. I could probably attempt to run a block then walk two... And maybe by say August be ready to actually join a run/walk for some organization. I used to do them with my mom when I was in highschool. I think maybe to do them again, and ask her to join me, would be a way for us to get to know each other better. And if my husband joins, maybe it would be a positive way for him to get healthy, too. His doctor told him last time he went in that he's nearing a need for blood pressure medication and that his cholesterol levels are also high. Just tossing an idea out here written down. Somehow idea's are more real when they're written out. More permanent and then of course needing to be accountable to actually make a decision! That's probably the hard part.

Food intake last night, boiled chicken and wild rice (I only know how to boil chicken, I cant manage to cook it any other way). Tonight on the menu is breakfast for supper, so it will most likely be two eggs and one blueberry pancake (medium size). Probably with a ton of extra blueberries in it. I love blueberries . I had peanuts for breakfast. Suprisingly I didn't feel hungry until nearly lunch time! And lunch left much to be desired. 6 cheese crackers, soda, cheese stick, and what was left from the bag of peanuts this morning. I had a cup of fruit when I got home. Nearly 800-900 calories though. Mostly from the 210 bag of peanuts and the 140 soda. Thankfully I will get my protien in tonight with the eggs.

Off to do 45 min of cardio with the DDR before dinner and probably a walk with my hubby after dinner. Since it's not raining, he'll join me!

Michelle

hehe, yeah, I'm gonna look for the 'metal pad' at this big electronic store here in Houston...I was told they have them in the store....but right now I have a $50 one that slips....I tried putting a box on the side that it tends to shift over to and it kinda helps....
But it's great you're staying so active during the day....I wish I was like that....my main workout is DDR for now....I'm planning on going to Weight watcher meetings though....dunno when but that should really help me

wow ! thats cool that you want to join one of those marathon - race events i would also like to do that some time but no running since whenever i try running I always end up hurting my feet since I ve no arch but good for you , you should definetely do it. its very motivating when youre working towards something!! keeps you focused!

laterz

Hi you - welcome aboard - you sound like you are doing things in a healthy manner right now

I am a young mom as well - bit of a troubled teen - had my first when I was 16...I never battled food issues - however - I honestly think getting pregnant when I did save me and made my life start from there - I totally smartened up from then and there - I was more into drinkign and drugs and wasnt on a good path - My oldest changed that

There are so many yummmy ways you can make chicken and easy too...well I dunno - cooking chicken is pretty easy my dear *wink* Ivenever heard of it being boiled nor have I ever had it boiled...

How old are your children do you mind me asking and what are there sexes ???

I have two girls -oldest is almost 13 - youngest is almost 3...

Alezita, I promise most days I am not that active! Today actually I didn't get out of bed till nearly 11. I was awake at 9 but just didn't want to get up. Arg. I hate days like that. At least they are much further and farther between. The rest of the day went much better.

Cinderelly, my oldest just turned 9. I'm sure she saved me in more than one way, too. My second just turned three. My husband and I placed her for adoption at birth. She was placed into an open adoption. I dont feel that I will ever have another child though and was fairly suprised to be pregnant the second time! After my second child, I returned to college. I had put that off when I had my first.

Boiled chicken I think is pretty easy. It tastes great and not dried out. My Hmong friends prepare it that way, so that's how I learned. I'm really an awful cook. I managed to mangle scrambled eggs a few weeks back. My husband has forbid me from touching the oven or stove on most occasions. He's been the main cook for the past 6 years. I'm suprised he let me cook the other day!

Oh, both girls!!! Here's a pic...

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