Jenna: I know... I really have to psych myself up (and remember why I want it/those changes).
Mal: I know! I get a kick out of paying myself over and over and ... lol! (plus it turns into a reward when I've made progress or surpassed myself too!)

Haven't been around in ... centuries? *ahem*

Honestly, I have work piled up, and well... I've been kind of ashamed because I haven't been systematic in my diet/workout/lifestyle change approach.

Like that Governor said: "I'll be back"!

I'm nowhere near what I once wrote. Time has passed, and it has been a while. I've also regained a lot (but not all) of the weight back.

Ah. Emotions emotions...

But not all is lost! I am intent on not only getting back to a balance but making and maintaining a life style change. The positive of what has so far happened is that I did associate a certain set of feelings and thoughts with how I react with my weight and appearance.

Basically, my issues are:
- as I lose weight I often feel pressure in how people see my looks (and judge me by them). I feel limited by my looks actually. I feel as if it doesn't matter who I am - how I act, my personality etc. - people just stop and judge by me by my appearance
- Also, I tend to receive compliments, love them (but not believe them), and seek more and more (etc.) The problem is when I get a criticism, I'm all open for it. I let it wide in, and since that represents much more my vision of myself, I've let it affect how I act afterwards
- when people have told me how to eat, what to do, or how much I should lose (in day to day life) it sent me in panic. It also got me angry. And my reaction was to get even by gaining the weight back (or doing the opposite of what they said basically) to do the equivalent of yelling "go to hell".

But I'm back at a point where some have given up, and in a way, it's giving me the energy (and feeling) that once again it's about me and how I feel. I must admit, I do feel I need to do it for me and ideally I wouldn't have gained the weight back but stuck to the idea that I was doing it for me.

But the fact is that it didn't happened that way. But life continues, so I'm set on getting back to the basics.

I have a Weight Watchers CD (which basically equates with counting points - which is counting calories except I don't have to do math that is as frustrating!). I'm back to working out at a medium to high intensity 3 times a week (indoor bike) and alternating upper and lower body strength exercises every 2 days. I'm also working on making sure I drink 1 bottle of water (1.5 L) a day.

And I am intent on making this a lifelong work. First getting to what I want, then maintaining it.

I'm still at it. I'm trying to make myself update this diary once a week. Just for reference and just to remind me of my objective to get back to "the lifestyle I want".

One thing I'm trying to do is to no longer think of myself on a diet, or as "just trying to lose weight/firm up". What I want to focus on is that this is the lifestyle I want to build and maintain indefinitely for the rest of my life.

It may seem like there is no real difference, but although I started like that previously, it quickly became about just shedding the fat, just loosing the weight, and quickly enough it became a "any means necessary" as well as not something I perticularly saw myself maintaining in the long run. I think I made the error of thinking I'd naturally keep it off. But I didn't think of how it would be kept off.

Another thing that I'm trying to keep in mind is that this is for me. It's my objective because it suits me, because it responds to something I want, and it really doesn't matter what others think.

I'm saying this because people quickly got involved in what I was doing: commenting on what I should try to do, telling me what I should eat, basically giving me unsolicited advice. Another thing was people who hadn't seen me before that came and told me that I was big and this and that and that I really should lose the weight - this after I'd already lost the 20 kg (~ 44 or so lbs).

In itself, I know people will always get involved. I know that's how people are. Some actually truly wanted to be helpful. The problem is that I have had a tendency to listen too much to what others thought, and also to see the goal and not the fact that every step in the journey counts.

Because others just reminded me that I myself saw and felt that I still wasn't at goal, the fact that I was well on my way there became irrelevant as I just focused on how I failed and not on how I was paving my success. This created a lot of frustration and at some point a breaking point.

That's what I want to avoid this time. To me, the way this journey has so far played out should serve as an example of what I did that did not please me in the end. And what I should do to change how I react.

I know I can succeed. That, I don't question. My objective is to not let my reactions to the feedback of others sabotage me again. And if it's a bit slower than before, than that's fine. What counts is that I make permanent change.

I think this week I went (last weigh-in June 6th) through one my monthly female water retention moments. I'm saying this because it happened before. I basically have gained 2.8 lb since last week. Of course, the best way for me to tell if that is the case is at my next-weigh in.

I was looking at some things I may want to change from the past week though:
- daily water intake: sometimes I drank my share (1.5 L) but sometimes I didn't.
- Two days went off (outings are my weakness, on of the reasons being that I have a hard time to evaluate, so I tend to count as big as I can and presume the worst, I don't know if that played a part)
- no workouts. At all. I should know better. But it's done!

So this week the focus has been on making sure that:
- I drink my water daily regardless. (I don't drink when I'm going into town because I hate public bathrooms, this means that I wait until I get home to catch up on my drinking. Sometimes I've forgotten to or have been too lazy. It's up to me to make sure it doesn't happen anymore.)
- workout. Regardless. The fact that I'm very sedentary at work (working on the PC), that I work at home and that my PC is just a few steps away from my bedroom... Don't help. I want to just focus on making sure I do 30 mns daily. It's not much. It's not as much as my goal was originally (45-60 mns), but better 30 daily than the occasional 45 or 60...
- Trying to plan my meals when I can. If I know where I'll eat, have an idea of what is the value of what. Also, try to portion control.

I'm working on remembering that even if it is fat gain, and not water retention, it's ok. I can lose it. It will just take an extra week, or a little more.

It's up to me to fix what didn't work last week really...!

I don't think it makes sense. I can't have lost that much in one week.

My track record shows:
June 2nd = 189.6
(entered the 2lb challenge so changed my weekly weigh-in date)
6 June = 192.4
13 June = 185

I think either I haven't truly lost that much (and it's a matter of water) or I seriously "retented" a lot of water last week.

I'm working on not focusing neither on the number nor or the speed much. I take a note of it - it's really why I entered the challenge... To make myself accountable. To myself. It's less about really losing 2 lb each week for me, more about just maintaining the effort.

Needless to say though, it did get me to smirk. Because even if my "real weight" is really 187 or a bit more... it means that I do keep in water monthly around the same time. And I can't let myself freak out when I do. Because it's useless.

I messed up a little several days this week (so far). I indulged, but hey I enjoyed it so I'm focusing on that in preparation for the consequences.

But I was thinking of my activity levels and realized that I really am unhappy with my sedentary lifestyle. As a teen I walked around a lot. I may have already written that. Now I don't partly because I work at home - on my PC, which is just a few steps away from my bedroom. It's cool in the sense that I love my work. Additionally, I just really like alone time a whole lot. I'm much less sociable than I've ever been. I enjoy diner with friends once or twice a week, but other than that I'm extremely happy with seeing no one else (except for my mother at meal times and for an after diner movie... I'm family oriented that way I guess).

I've said before that I want a firm muscular (yet curvy) body. I don't think this is going to be simple while remaining "this" sedentary.

So I'm putting myself on a challenge.

No matter what, I want to bike 10 miles each day (my current average is 20-25 MPH) on my stationary bike. So far, it's taken me 31 minutes (exactly). I want to maintain this for 1 week. If I feel up to it during the week, I can try to see how many miles I cover at the same average MPH for 45 minutes. I don't want to exceed the 45 mns line for the first week though.

Afterwards, I want to do 45 mns for 2 weeks (daily) and minimum. If I manage to push myself to an hour, good, otherwise 45 is good. I think the goal should be aiming around 15 Miles covered minimum.

Then, I'll move on to 60 minutes and 20 miles a day.

The goal is really to maintain this for as long as I remain this sedentary. But of course right now I chose to keep in mind that I aim for 1 month already.

Of course, I'm going to keep myself on my WW plan and focusing on eating "fuel food" and make smarter lean choices etc.

And of course, I'm going to look into how to fuel my strength training routine as well.

This is more for the "challenge for my body" principle, and because I just don't think my body is as happy with my lifestyle as my mind and feelings are!

When I get past the three months, I'll probably see if I should switch my caloric intake to that of someone "sporty" (or whatever the medium between absolutely sedentary and average is). If I lose too quickly over the course of a full month starting from today (yes, I do think there is such a thing as too quick and seem to loose too much lean mass) I'll probably see whether I should as well.

I haven't updated in a while but I've hardly stopped.

I've kept to my program of aiming for 10 miles a day (I actually haven't cranked it up, I just do additional workouts as well 6 times a week). There have been a few days with no workouts, but overall they've been fewer than before. It feels as if aiming for distance as opposed to a specific time frame (ie: 30 mn minimum) has been more motivating as well as more intensive of a workout (more exhausted afterwards). This is because I know I sometimes start daydreaming on my bike. Ahem.

I'm still tweaking my weekly routine because basically I want to find the time frame I find no (or little) excuse for and can do all year round and fit into nearly any schedule.

I've also been tweaking my strength training routine and diet. I'm trying to find a way to know ("naturally") what I need to see progress and for it to be sustainable (the kind of thing I can see myself doing for the rest of my life). It must be kind of working, because even when I overindulged recently, I "knew" when the bites I took were too much... Of course, now I have to get to the point where I know I fuel my body what it needs... lol - While keeping food tasty and good... (bless Asian cooking! The recipes I have found have helped tremendously!).

So until next time.