Why am I here? Well, I'm turning 39 in a few months and it's really rattling me. I want my forties to be the decade when I've finally gotten my shyte together. My early twenties were filled with college, and craziness, and wilder than I care to admit partying. Late twenties and thirties brought career/marriage/babies and a steady, unyielding weight gain. But now the kids are a little older, with school and friendships beginning to edge out 'mommy' time, and for the first time in a good long while I'm finding it's ok to be a little selfish. That I can actually concentrate on me without feeling like someone else is getting shortchanged in the process.

My current stats are: 5' 7", with my starting weight of 3 weeks ago being 220 (an all-time high) and my last weigh-in showing 211. I'd like to get down to 155 because at that weight I remember feeling at least marginally attractive. Who knows, if I get down that far I might decide to take it all the way to my 20 yr. old weight of 120. Hell, who am I kidding, I'd be thrilled just getting under 185 because at that point I'd no longer be considered clinically obese.

As for my plan (or lack thereof) the one thing I do know is that each time I've gone on a "diet" I've ended up gaining weight. I believe most diets have little to do with the concept (gimmick) and a whole lot more to do with restricting calories. I also know when you deprive yourself; when something actually becomes 'taboo' you're setting yourself up for failure. I remember reading an atkins board one time where someone posted that it was their birthday but they wouldn't allow themselves a single slice of cake. Instead they had a medium-rare steak & broccoli... and stopped posting about 3 weeks later. My motto is life's too short to not have your cake and (occasionally) eat it too. I kept that in mind when I decided on an plan, and I allow myself one day - saturday - when I can eat whatever I want, guilt-free. It takes the pressure off. The rest of the time I stick to low calorie, whole-grain, mostly vegetarian fare. For me it's not just about losing weight, it's about getting healthier too. And so far (knock on wood) it seems to be working.

Another thing I've learned: the key to weigh-loss is exercise. Simply put- the more I sweat, the less I'll weigh. It's no coincidence that all those trophy wives and bikini-clad women I see at the local pool (and try hard not to hate) talk endlessly about working out, and personal trainers, and how many carbs there are in a slice of pizza. They embrace the whole yin/tang, cause & effect of how to treat their bodies. And as much as I'd love to sit here and call them stupid or shallow or self-obsessed, I hate being a hypocrite even more. Because the truth is I probably spend every bit as much time wrapped up in how I look, I just do it in a 'you suck, you're such a lazy cow' self-flagellating kind of way. It's sad but true, but for as long as I can remember it's been easier to hate myself than to actually get up off my a$$ and do something about it.

Well, as Roberto Duran famously muttered at the end of his title fight with Sugar Ray Leonard, No Más. It's time I stopped feeling sorry for myself and started doing the things I know need to be done in order to be happy. Wallowing in self-pity all these years hasn't made me smarter or happier or funnier... it's just been a huge waste of time and a phenomenal exercise in stupidity.

And I don't want to turn forty feeling stupid or fat. So I'm giving myself 14 months to get my act together. I know what needs to be done and I'm through looking for shortcuts or quick fixes. I'll watch what I eat, I'll exercise, and I'll try to keep my eye on the prize and not be tempted by all the yummy foods and (even worse) hours spent online with little-to-no reason to move. Can I do it? Man, I sure hope so...

Of course you can do it! Think positive and you'll get positive results!

It doesnt make you selfish for wanting to spend some time giving yourself attention or doing something for yourself. It will benefit everyone in the end to see you so happy.

Congrats on your 9lb loss already! Keep up the good work, eat well, exercise right and think positive, and you're well on your way to being a healthy happy you.

Thanks, Miracle, for the kind words...

I think one of the worst things I do is demean myself when it comes to my weight. I mean, it's bad enough feeling like people are staring at and judging me without constantly judging myself as well. I think it's sabotaged my progress before, and if I'm not careful it'll do it again.

So for once I'm going to give focusing on the positive a try. I'll start by saying I think it's great that so far I've averaged a 3 pound loss per week. I know it can't continue much longer, but it's fabulous motivation in the meantime. And I'm really, really hopeful that by this Friday's weigh-in I'll be under 210. Then the countdown to the 100s can begin in earnest...

you can eat yummy foods, don't equate a healthy lifestyle with just eating bland boring tasteless foods - there's a ton of really good stuff that can be eaten... this doens't have to be torture...

I am glad you are here & believe you have just the right attitude to achieve your goals. The exercise is certainly a MAJOR key, but so is allowing yourself to eat the food you enjoy.. just within some intelligent moderation. I know I will be eating some type of cake slice on my birthday! You sound like one smart lady & I can't wait to hear about how you are getting those pounds to drop off.

Good luck.

Thought I'd focus this entry on exercise- what I'm currently doing and where I think I need to get. Up until this week I've been doing a combo of treadmill (at the gym for about 30-40 minutes) and elliptical trainer (at home for 15 minutes) and 60 crunches per day. It's not much, but it's tons better than what I've done for the past year, which was basically nothing.

But with the end of the school year practically here I can kiss my gym time goodbye. Anticipating this, I met with a trainer last week and had him go over some stuff I could easily do at home. He introduced me to a workout ball and let me tell you... I couldn't move for about 3 days after! I came home swearing I'd never go near one again, which lasted for about 2 days, and yesterday my ball arrived in the mail. Ball squats (ball between your back and the wall - holding a squat position for about 10-15 seconds per rep) make me feel sore in all the right places... you know, the tush/thigh/hip hellzone. I'm currently doing two sets of 15. I also have other exercises- an entire book full- I plan to incorporate using the ball.

As for the elliptical trainer... man, I hate that thing! The treadmill is way easier, which tells me the trainer's probably better. I'm currently doing 15 minutes every day, with plans to up it to 18 starting this friday (baby steps!). I also plan to introduce weights - just free weights for arm stuff starting this friday. I figure that way I've got everything covered. Each part of me- upper body / abs / lower body will receive attention daily. Add to this the 15 (soon to be 18) minutes of trainer time and I think I've got a decent program going.

Eventually I'd like to top out with 30 minutes on the trainer (experimenting more & more with intensity levels), around 100 crunches per day (even though 60 are killing me now), upping my squats to at least 50 per day and incorporating other ball-related (heh, that just sounds naughty) exercises, continuing with the upper body stuff (so long batwings!) and rediscovering yoga. I gave up yoga around the time I hit 200 thinking I was too bulky for it... I miss it!

Anyway, the work I do (and will continue to do) is done daily... I'm paranoid about skipping a day because I'm afraid once I do I won't start back up again. We have several weekend trips coming up though, and this is worrying me to no end as I'll be forced to skip saturday both times. Gulp. But I'm seeing good results, so I can't imagine wanting to eff that up by falling off the wagon. I guess time will tell...

Things I'm looking forward to as I lose weight:


1. Back to being a 'c' cup. I've never wanted big boobs. Always figured they'd get in the way, and now I know I was 100% correct. Plus I miss wearing sexy, flimsy bras... the ones I'm wearing now sport 3 inch shoulder straps and have bra cups big enough that my 6 yr. old has taken to putting them on her head and running through the house. Hey, she takes after her mom... anything for a laugh.

2. A tummy that doesn't fold over onto itself. This is probably the thing I hate most of all. You know you're in bad shape when you can fold your stomach into your jeans. Ick.

3. Having thighs that no longer rub together when I walk. I haven't been able to wear corduroys for a long time without fear of sounding like a cricket in heat... sigh.

4. Feeling deserving of a little pampering. There's something about passing the dreaded 200 mark (there was for me anyway) that tripped a 'you're not worthy' switch in my brain. Since breaking that barrier I've stopped wanting to get haircuts, manicures, pedicures, spend time on makeup & hair, or wear anything that's not at least one size too big. I'm hoping that breaking back into the hundreds will miraculously make me feel worthy again.

5. Putting the anxiety I feel when meeting new people behind me. I don't worry that I'm not interesting, or funny, or smart enough, but I constantly fret over how I look when I'm forced to meet new people. I worry that they're judging me... and really, can I blame them? After all, I judge myself on a daily basis. I'm hopeful to one day in the not-so-distant future not even have it occur to me to worry about what someone will think of my appearance. Who says fat people can't be superficial... I think in many ways we're every bit as vain and caught up in our reflection as the Paris Hiltons of the world.

Hey there - I hear y aabt beign slefish or feeling selfish - my youngest is turning 3 but still this is somethign I am doing for me and all of us...How old are your kids ???

As far as demeaning yourself - you are you weight or not - loosing weight isnt going ot change the person that you are...I mean I guess it will make you feel beter about your self image and such however you are still going to be you

Any I thought I would see if you had a diary and I found one Iwill be back

Hey Cinderelly, thanks for stopping in.

Well, I'm almost done with the 4th week of my diet. And while I've made great progress, I guess it drives home the point that losing weight is going to be a long process. I see now why people break up their weigh-loss into mini-goals. If not it can really wear you down waiting to hit that big number way, waaaay off in the future. It seemed so easy piling all this weight on, bummer that taking it back off again is anything but.

I'm proud of myself for the work I've done so far... I mean, I'm a girl who hates to exercise, yet every day I bury whatever excuse is on the tip of my tongue for not working out, and just do it anyway. I've also become uber-conscious of anything and everything that goes into my mouth, each eating session is preceded by a 20 minute q&a about why I'm eating... am I really hungry? Am I just thirsty instead? Am I eating because I'm bored, or does my body really need the fuel? It's nuts, but it seems to be working.

Yet even with everything clicking I realize I need to be in this for the long haul. There just aren't any quick fixes. If I were fortunate enough to continue to lose at an average of 2 pounds per week for the unforeseeable future (which I seriously doubt will happen), I still wouldn't hit my target until around Thanksgiving. And the reality is... I'll stall. I'll have weeks when I won't lose a pound, probably weeks where I'll even gain weight. That's just the way it is with dieting.

And it's that slow burn... the commitment to continuing even when things aren't exciting and new and seeming to be in your favor that worries me. Oh well, one day at a time I suppose. I'll work on some mini-goals for myself with adequate rewards... maybe that'll help it not seem like such a monumental task? And hey, tomorrow's the official weigh-in day and I'm pretty sure I'll be under 210... that alone will feel good. I'm hoping if/when I see that I've got less than 10 pounds to go until I'm under 200 it'll inspire me to do even more.

Oh, and my kiddos are 6 & 14, how's that for an age gap... gotta love those second marriage babies!

WOW youve got me beat ha ha ha - everyone always comments on my 10 year abt girls - heh heh heh - me I had my first super young (16) and my second I met a man and fell in love had her and ya single agian - oh well hey ...

You sound like you have it all togethere slwo and steady and youa re doing it

You aren't kidding!!!! I think its all an endurance test! Just know that the reward is worth it in the end. We will get there.

we didn't gain the weight overnight, it's not going to be lsot overnight - for me it drove home the fact that it is indeed a lifestyle change and not a diet - but makes it easier to deal with the amount of time that it will take

it's totally awesome to see that you can see you're m aking progress

Thanks Moon Goddess & Maleficent. I really do need to remember it's a gradual process and, yes, it's also a lifestyle change and not just a temporary thing. Because the second I let up on watching what and how much I eat, or the amount of exercise I do, that's when the weight piles back on.

That said ... WOW ... I just weighed myself and I've lost FOUR POUNDS this week! Still not sure how that happened. The planets must have aligned just right... Whatever the reason, I worked hard and thought about every forkful I put in my mouth and it obviously paid off.

And with only 7.5 pounds to go you can bet I'll be focusing these next few weeks on getting under the dreaded two-oh-ohhh! Now I'm going to go celebrate this surprising news in some way other than eating.

well done on the 4 pounds lost!

Hope u hv a good weekend pampering yourself(watever that is which doesn't involve eating )!