My name is Eve, and this is my diary of my attempts to lose weight. I'm 5'8, and over the last few years, I've managed to pack on 40 pounds. My problem has always has been my diet, or lack thereof. After a few years of failed relationships, heartaches, and all sorts of other dramas, I've managed to turn my body into the unhappy lump that it is today. I'm so frustrated and annoyed at what I've become, and I'm hoping that this will be the kick start that I need to reach my goal of 128 pounds. Why that magic number? Well a few years back before I gave up on myself, I was working out and I managed to get down to that size. I loved how I felt, and I loved how I looked. I appreciated myself and I felt that I had a lot of self-worth. I wasn't killing myself as I am now with the binge eating on sweets and fats, and cycle of self-loathing, as I am doing now. I sit back at times and wonder how I've come to this dark and depressing place. Where I treat myself with such little regard, and I abuse myself emotionally and physically with all the junk I put into my mouth. I hate looking in the mirror, and I hate that I continuously beat myself up, and I'm sneaking in that Twinkie, the chocolate bar, the can of pop, the cookies, the full pizza, and the pound of wings. By the way, that list that I just mentioned is what I was ate in a span of three hours last week. Last Saturday I went to the grocery store and ate a full bag of cookies (I wasn't even hungry, but scarfed it back anyway) and when I got to the check out line, out of shame, I lied to the checkout girl and told her that I was pregnant and my carvings were in full gear. I'm not pregnant, but I couldn't think of anything else to say, to explain the uncontrollable binge eating. I hate that i think about food all the time. It's on my mind constantly.....I literally shake until I'm able to hit the vending machine, and get my next fix of sugar and fat. I hate that food has become a compulsion, and is not a treat. I hate that I hate myself and I am so fearful of what I'll become if I don't stop. I hate that I've gained ten pounds in a week (which is probably water weight), and I feel such sadness when I get on the scale. I have visions of one day getting married and having children, but I know that all that will not come into fruition, until I'm able to get my emotional state together. I wish that I could speak to my friends and family about this, but I'm too ashamed, so I'm reaching outwards. A life of where food is both your lover and your worst enemy is such a lonely place. The irony is that I'm considered an outgoing confident person and I think that most people who know me would be shocked about my secrets.

It's funny because being a black female, there are a lot of preconceptions that we should be comfortable being fat. Unfortunately, I feel that it's a stereotype that we often play into, and it's doing a lot more harm than good. Don't get we wrong, skinny models are not the answer either, but it's time to move away from the stereotypes of the “fat black girl”. Since truth be told, I don't think that anyone is truly happy being fat no matter how much you try to fake it!

This thing has come to far, and I know that I've reached that pivotal moment where it's sink or swim. Please feel free to offer your words of advice, and support. Believe me when I say that it means more than you will ever know.

Thank you,
Eve

PS...Trying to get my picture up here, and I'm told that the file is too big, any ideas ??????????????

Thanks,

Eva

You might want to cut and paste this into the "weight loss diary" section of the forum and start a new thread in this section (before/after). Good for you for starting btw.

You can upload it into ImageShack® - Hosting, and post us the link.

I am glad you are making a change, that is so great to hear!

Hi Eve,

I so know what you're talking about. I went through those times of intense cravings and self loathing. Good luck! I hope to see your new 128 pic!

Hello Eve,
lots of peoplein this forum, I'm sure, have had that kind of break down. It's like whatever you wanna do, the food is stronger and decides for you. It's so hard to fight against it that you abandon after one week of better relationship with food.
It has to click, at some point (which I hope for you is now), and you'll be able to be stronger than your cravings. It's ok to fail one night/day, as long as it doesn't become a week. If we stick all the time to the diet, hell, we might not be sticking to it after the loss.
My click was about 2 weeks ago, when my sister made an echography (for stomach ache) and told me I had a 1 inch layer of fat on my belly and later that day, when I received the analysis of my blood which told me my cholesterol was high. I tried diets, but always dropped it. Now, it's the right time.
You must listen to your head and not your stomach.
The diet I tried is very simple. Let me explain it to you : I cut in half my old plate.
Breakfast : I used to eat one or two slices of bread with butter and jam/ham/cheese... Now I take 3/4 of a slice on which I put butter and jam. I drink tea with it (but, just because I love tea!)
Lunch : I used to eat up to 6-8 slices of bread or a real full plate of the dinner which would cause my stomach to be really full. I now eat as many vegetables as I need to be ok the rest of the afternoon.
Supper : I fill one plate, not too much, not too little, and I eat only one. I try to do as for a normal person's meal. I used to eat 2-3 plates well served.

You need to avoid eating too much between meals, so if you see that you still need your cookie during the day, eat more at meals but resist. 3 meals a day is a good number, you don't need to make it 6 or 7. To cut your appetite, I'd suggest puffled rice biscuit (I live in Europe, so I don't know if you have these in the usa, it's cut in a large circle) with water. It's not so good but it really fills your stomach if you need to eat. Or rabbit food ! I hate carrots, but I must admit that it's so hard to chew that it calms down my demanding belly!
I already lost 4 pounds. I had a bmi of 25 and am now 24 I think. So I only was a bit overweight, but still, I have a middle body part that tends to obesity (skinny legs and butt but big belly).

Courage, be strong, and don't let the food win over you again. You should be the one controlling, not the food.
I hope I helped you.

PS : I'm 22, how old are you?

Hi Eve

Congrats on starting you weight loss journey here I've only been here for a week or so but I love it already! You should set up a diary and post up your before pictures in the before and after section! It's great that you have realised that its time to do something about your health!! Its exciting and something to look forward too! I'm 19, and you sound young too (compliment) so I think its great that we're getting this sorted earlier on You should stop by my diary and post me a link to yours if you start one Good luck!!!
Mel

You are taking the 1st step and writing about it.... which is very helpful which you will see. I agree with the previous poster cut your portions in half.

Hey Eve,

I just wanted to say that I could relate to everything that you said in your post. I truly felt like I was reading something that I had written in my journal. I have had a struggle with dealing with my weight and emotions for the last 7 years, and to be completely honest I feel as if I am losing right now. Like you I too want to get married and have kids, but I know that am allowing my weight and depression to hold me back from living a fulfilling life. I also have a history bingeing and then self-loathing and I also have no idea how I got to this place, but what I do know is I no longer want to be here. I truly believe that we have the power to change our lives. We can both do this, and become the people we used to when we had control of our lives. I completely agree with rangoone, that something has to click before you completely get it. That moment when everything comes together and you know that you will succeed this time no matter what. I truly hope that you are successful in your weight loss journey and would love for you to keep me posted. Maybe we could become email buddies to check in with each other or something. Let me know and congratulations on taking the first step and writing about it. ~ brownsugah82

And I've done it all to myself. I've reached an all-time high (or low, depending on how you look at it) of 180 pounds. It's too much, I'm too frustrated, and I have no idea where to start. Let me rephrase that, I know where to start, but I have no idea how to get the brain on board. I hate that I stuff, gorge, hoard, inhale without swallowing ALL the wrong things. I'm trying, at least that is what I tell myself but I am fed up, (mind you I've claimed to be fed-up before) and I want to change things. I've crossed the my personal weight threshold SEVERAL times, and I'm afraid that I'll only get bigger. Good thing that I enjoy cardio!!! I'm going to the gym tomorrow, and I am going to do my very best to eat clean tomorrow! As a life long binge eater, I know that it's one day at a time. Back to square one I return, and 50 pounds to go to meet my goal!!1

Wish me luck!!!

PS. For those who wanted to know I'm 29 years of age!

Hey Eve, so sorry to hear your going through this. Thankfully you are here now and not when you're in the 200s. It is so hard to lose every pound, so its excellent that you've decided to do something about it now.

It sounds like you need to get away from the unhealthy fats and sugar in order to get control of the cravings. I'm not a nutritionist but it seems like the obvious solution. I would start small by substituting healthy more natural foods for the unhealthy stuff, but not really limiting the quantity. How about allowing yourself to eat whatever you want and in the quantities you want, but it has to be "healthy". There are plenty of yummy options, though it does take some planning so you dont get caught out there starving. Throw out all your bad foods, you know what they are. No sense in having them around. Get used to eating more natural and home cooked foods and later on you can work on minimizing quantities. I would take it one day at a time.

Sorry to see you're going through this. Perhaps you could see a professional about how you are feeling?
When I'm feeling like this I remember two things:
- YOU deserve to be healthy and slim.
- Other people can lose weight - why should you be any different?

I suggest you start with exercise THAT YOU ENJOY, it'll make you feel happier and you should start craving healthier food. That's what happened to me.

There's HEAPS of other tips, but they're the basic ones that I started with and built on. I've now lost 55pounds so far.