Today's main focus is going to be to study for my final exam, and a math test. School is close to being over, and I really need to ace these.

But before I study I am going to take a shower, and then go on a 30 minute run. I think I will be doing week 1 of the program, if Dan wants we can start week 2. I didn't end up running last night because of bad shin pains. After running, I will do at least 15 minutes of strength training. Totaling 45 minutes for the day. My food goal for today is to eat 1600 calories or less; and to keep myself away from the foods that are really bad for me. Like chips, ice cream, etc. I don't want to add them to my plan!!

For right now I need to hop in the shower and get going on my day. I have plenty to get done. Along with 3 loads of laundry!!!

20 minutes of that program down. The last 10 minutes/3 runs of week 2... I Just couldn't manage. I am somehow bruising my shins from the inside out. I can see bruises the length of my entire shin... and thats what hurts when I'm running. I don't know what I did. But Dan is worried that I will get a pressure fracture if I keep running because of my weight. I don't even know what that is, and he's not a doctor, so I don't think I have that wrong with me. Dan put iceyhot on them, and I'm putting my feet up right now. I still need 25 minutes of exercise today, but I'm not going to run or walk because its too much to even have my legs in the downward angle. Food today is going to be great. Breakfast was an egg wrap. 2 jumbo egg whites, 1 slice of American Cheese, and 1 wrap(199 cals). Lunch is going to be a fruit salad. Strawberries, watermelon, apples, oranges. YUMM. I have to make it though. I think I need a nap soon.

Breakfast was about 450 calories. I forgot to mention the cup of 1% milk with my egg wrap. Lunch was just about 1/16 of a watermelon (probably about 2 thin slices), 1/8 of an orange, and 1/8 of an apple. I have more in the fridge, but I don't want to eat it right now. I'm doing so well so far today!!

Hey girl--I agree with Dan. If running is causing you trouble like that, it's better not to do it. Walking is just as beneficial, and much easier on your joints. I know thin people who cannot run b/c of the problems it causes them. One of the reasons I didn't do much running before was b/c I was afraid my heavy weight would cause me trouble like that. Running might be something you have to put on the back burner until you're a bit lighter. You don't have to run to lose weight.

You said you had bad shoes. Do you have good ones? You most certainly should not run in anything but good shoes. Maybe that's the problem.

Another thing--the C25K program says you shouldn't run more than 3 times per week to give your body time to recuperate. I think you're overdoing it going running everyday.

I have great shoes now, I just haven't been able to get a run in with them because they hurt my shins.

I guess I shouldn't try running every day. I will cut back. Actually, I'll probably stop for 2 weeks. To let myself recuperate. I'll walk instead.

Thanks for the smack to the brain. Now I realize I was just over-doing it.

I think a 2-week break is a wise decision on your part.

Dan is making me take that break. He says he might be able to find something for me to do outside...because I hate having a day this beautiful out... and not being able to run/walk in it!! Its killing me. But I can barely walk. Barely!!! It hurts so bad. I looked up online about shin splints, and I think I had those to begin with...but I think they got really bad. MUCH worse then they should be. It hurts/THROBS to have my legs at a downward angle. But I almost want to push through it. I want to still run..until I can't walk home if I tried. Thats not healthy, and Dan really isn't allowing it. lol. I tried going on a walk, and he chased me saying "STOP...you will hurt yourself more." Then he picks me up and brings me inside. lol. I am thinking Pilates and strenth training with my arms.... Pilates is a great work out and really only uses the core...you are on your back most of the time anyways.

Today is going pretty well. Between Breakfast and Lunch I have 425 calories, and 19 g of fat.

Breakfast: 1 cup of watermelon, and 30 calories worth of coffee. 80 cals
Lunch: 1 BK cheeseburger plain. 330 cals
Snack: 3 freeze pops. 15 cals

I know the burger wasn't the best. But i had a final this morning, and Dan and I stopped to get coffee so we'd be super awake. Then after the final dan and I were hungry, but had to study for the math test we had in the afternoon. And Dan wanted a Whopper meal at BK, so we stopped there...and I didn't want anything HUGE, so I just got a cheeseburger off the dollar menu.

Not sure about dinner yet.

Shins are still killing me...(like I said above), so I will have to find alternate exercise today. I will not be defeated!!!!!

Yesterday wasn't the best food wise. And I didn't get in any exercise because my shin hurt worse and worse.

I'm going to eat lunch in a bit, and I'm cooking myself some ramen. I don't have much else in the house. I think I am well enough to walk today, so I think Dan and I should go on a walk, and I will take out the weights and do some arm workouts.

It looks like I will be getting that job in a bakery in a few weeks! (I think) We still have to work out some details, because its really far of a drive for me. But it might be worth it. I should write down some questions I have for her, she should be calling me by the end of next week.

I have had a bad last few days. NOT horrible, but not my favorite. Not the HEALTHIEST foods all round. I've given into a lot of night time munchies. I need to stop that again. I haven't been exercising because of my shin. But I'm still losing a tiny bit of weight. I was 211.4 this morning. 2 pounds from my lowest. And 211.4 was after a bad day. I remember when I had bad days and the next morning would be up at 217 or 218! I don't see myself reaching my anniversary goal...seeing as I can't exercise much (cardio wise). But I might be able to reach 205-200 ish. I'm getting there. I still haven't given up. I know I'm doing it. I'm making a list EVERY night with what foods I am going to eat the next day...that way there is no reason to get side tracked much. If I cut my calories too low, I tend to stay the same or gain weight. But when I have between 1600 and 1700 I lose. Weird?? I don't know.

I have aced my first two finals I have taken. I have 2 more. One Tomorrow morning at 8 am; and one May 14th. The one tomorrow I think will be a hard one. I was going to study for it ALL day...but I went into my bakery and asked for hours...so hours is what I got. I'm working 12 to 4 today. A 4 hour shift isn't too bad. It will go by quick, and at least I'll have a small paycheck. I need money. I love working, earning my own money, blah blah blah...but I also wanted to study all day, and 12 to 4 is RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE of my day. I over slept like usual. It figures that on the day I had to work... I have to study, and I wanted to sleep. JEEZ.

I made my room sooo clean, and now I really have to clean it again because I just made it a mess. lol. Between Dan and I, we can't keep anything clean permanently.

Before I go to work:

Lunch, Cleaning my hamsters cage, getting dressed/ready of course...thats it I suppose. I have like 1 h our and 40 minutes left.

After work: Dinner, Trash, dishes, vacuum, STUDY, 30 minutes of strength training exercises.

At least when I go to work I'm not worried about missing out on the weather...because its raining and gross right now!!

Well, I'm going to get my butt moving!!!

I'm very upset. I am going in the wrong direction. Since I hurt myself I haven't exercised at all. I don't have an excuse. I've just been lazy. And not exercising- is making me fall into my old habits. No one cares if I lose weight, I feel like everyone is sabotaging me, and I'm trying to find the strength to fight them back. But I have been unsuccessful. I am in tears. I am embarrassed to write that...but this diary is for me to tell my feelings. And I am very upset. I'm disappointed. Its my fault, and I can't blame it on anything or anyone except for myself...even if I'd like to. I'm sick of feeling bad about myself. Its almost like I have subconsciously been eating as much as I can until I am ready to puke. I want nothing more then to be 130 pounds. Thats about 80 pounds from now. I want it...but its like my body is fighting my mind. I'm really trying to defeat this inner-battle. Its hard. School is out for the summer now. (well, one more final on wednesday), and I want NOTHING MORE then to come back to school in September, and to all those people in school who know me as "fat" to be thinking of me as "sexy" I want to be like 160 when I go back. I don't even know if thats possible. But thats what I want. I feel so sick because I just ate a large Cheeseburger sub. I knew I was sick half way through, but Dan ordered me a large, when I asked to split a small...and I ate it. I eat it because its in front of me. And I try to keep it away from me...but I CAN'T!!! I'm getting so frustrated. I'm not giving up. I won't ever give up. EVER. I will reach my goal. I will! I will be thin when I go back to school. I just need advice. I need tips and tricks to help me resist these crappy situations. I don't want to give myself an eating disorder...I've been down that road already in my life...its not worth doing it again. And I'm getting those bad feelings. I need to have a good cry, pull myselt together, and then find a way to get myself ready again. Oh-and since my exercise stopped this week... I have been so lazy.

I need to pull my stuff together.

If you didn't notice...I changed my ticker. IDEALLY, I want to weigh 165 by the time I go back to school. I had a HUGE cry, and when I was finished I called Dan (while he was driving on the way to work) and cried again to him. We have come to an agreement to help each other. He said he never really knew how down it got me. And he said he was sorry. So he is going to help me, as I help him. "he'll do his best" is what he said to me. He is very self-disciplined when he wants to be... so I truly believe he can help me. I'm so glad I have him.

50 pounds over the summer?? I don't know if it is possible...but I'll never know if I don't try. I won't be upset if I don't make it. I will be happy if I can get down to 180 by the time I have to go back to school. But I want to reach my goal because this is my last year of college (at this school) and I want people to be impressed when I go back.

I am trying to picture each workout 1 step closer to reaching my goal. Someday I will accomplish what I want. SOMEDAY. I will be skinny, and I will be fit. But it will take time.

Hmmm. Tomorrow:

Breakfast- 2 egg whites, 2 slices of bread.
Snack-Watermelon (If its still good)
Lunch- PB&J sandwich, 1 piece of fruit , 2 or 3 celery stalks
Snack- Kudos Bar 100 calories
Dinner- Salad with Italian Dressing

Exercise- 30 minutes of walking or more. 10 minutes strength training

If I can accomplish tomorrow, thats 1 day down, and one step closer to where I want to be.

I'm determined to have a good day today. I don't have cravings for any bad foods right now, and I hope it stays that way. I am about to make my breakfast. 2 egg whites 1 slice of American Cheese, cayenne pepper, and 2 slices of white bread (Only bread in the house).

Then I will let my food settle; and then Dan "assigned" me to do minutes of step aerobics today. I will update LATERRRR