Hiya, Luscious!

Congratulations on the weight you've lost so far! Wow, you are doing incredibly well!

So pleased that those old clothes are falling right off ya! LOL Love that feeling...

Also congratulations on your upcoming wedding and marriage! You are entering such an amazing time in your life. Very, very happy! You've got it goin' on, sweetie!

Cheers
ABBA

Thanks for all the wonderful support, gals. I really appreciate it

-------------------------------------------------

So today is not going to be a positive posting day. I need to rant, vent, and grieve today. So if your day is going peachy-keen, you might just want to pass my diary by...I won't mind.

So anyways...my grandpa passed away on Sunday evening. He had been in the hospital for the last month. A couple weeks ago I flew home to see him one last time. I'm glad I made the trip.

My immediate family has been estranged, or a better word for it...excommunicated by my mom side of the family for about ten years. There were false allegations and vicious rumors spread by one particular family member that severely hurt my family. We tried to set things straight, but we were told to just let it be. The damage was already done and we were cut off by all members except for my grandpa (though it stressed out relationship with him greatly).

My mom has had to find out about my grandpa's illness and eventual death through third parties and distant relatives. When she visited him at the hospital, the family members made it very clear that she was not welcome. It was very difficult for her to go into a situation of such hostility but she still went. I am very proud of her. Needless to say we have been cut off from any input into the funeral, etc. My mom has dealt with this very well, through she is hurting very deeply. We know that we will be treated like outsiders at the funeral. We had accepted this fact. It hurts me a great deal that my entire childhood when I spent a lot of time with him will be erased by the family as if it never existed. In talking with my sisters, I have decided to give an impromptu eulogy for him for our side of the family at the funeral. The other family members will know nothing about this, because they will not allow it otherwise. I am finding it very difficult to focus on my fond memories of my grandpa when I feel such anger towards the rest of the family.

I grieved the loss of this family years ago and so I do not feel any connection to these people. However, I am now having to deal with the anger and resentment I feel towards their heartless and cruel actions once again. To make things worse, my aunt and uncle decided that it was appropriate to leave for a cruise the day after my grandpa died. The funeral has been postponed until they return a week later. I am so angry. How can somebody just leave their parent's body in a morgue cooler somewhere so they can go vacation??!!! I am so appalled!! My mom is so horrified and hurt. She feels no closure and no end of grief.

I have been having a lot of trouble grieving. I can't seem to separate my anger against the family from my grief for my grandpa. I don't want to be angry. I got over the anger years ago and now it has come back. I suffered terrible migraines and sleepless nights over this for years. I overcame it, only to have it come all come back. I can't wait until this is all over.

I have felt all my emotions pent up inside and have been unable to cry up until now. I am glad I have written all of this. It seems to have helped. This is the first time that I have been able to cry (though I can't imagine that tears are good for a keyboard *LOL*). Writing is therapy, I guess. I am writing this more for my benefit than to solicit sympathy. I would just erase it but I think I will need to reflect on this later. I hope I haven't brought anyone down with me.

I'm flying home soon so I am not sure if I'll be able to write much in the near future. We will see how things go.

AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT GOING TO EAT MY STRESS AWAY!! I am making a very conscious effort to stay on track. Not to mention I need to blow the nasty family away by my extremely hot body. LOL!!! (And, yes, I have a tasteless sense of humor even when I'm upset. It how I deal with everything, happiness, stress, guilt, anger...)

I am loving the posts you made so far, please don't leave us when you reach your goal. :-) Congratulations on the engagement! I am keeping my fingers crossed for your weight loss but if you are determined one half as you are interesting I am sure it will be a piece of cake. Ok, maybe that was a bad comparison. :-))

And I am so very sorry to hear about your grandpa. I just read that last post and it really touched me. I hope you are doing okay. Let us know how is everything going.

Milk and Linzee,

Thanks for the posts. It has been awhile. Thanks for the kind thoughts.
I am definitely feeling a lot better now that the funeral is over and I can move on.

So, this week is spring break for us canucks. I went back home to my parents for the funeral last week. Its been nice being home and spending time with my family and fiance. The timing for the funeral actually worked out pretty good because I have been able to spend 2 continuous weeks at home. Now I have to catch up on my homework from last week. I really really don't want to.

I'll fill you all in on the details of the last week in due time. I got to stop procrastinating and work on homework.I'll update my ticker then...and yes I have gained a couple pounds I'm getting back on track, though.

I know it's all still very fresh and painful ( I couldn't even imagine how I would deal with it) but I hope you are starting to feel better.

Don't let those few pounds get you down. You have worked so hard by now you can allow yourself one or two slips.

Okay so time to catch up on a few things:

1) The Man and I have set a date...you yankees should get a kick out of this...July 4, 09. Yes we will be losing our independence on Independence Day. No, our colors are not going to be red, white, and blue. I am sure that this date must be booked solid in the States, but its not the case here in Canada. This just happened to be a good day and it is definitely not an anniversary date we are likely to forget (my parents celebrated their anni on the wrong date for 12 years!!)

2) I got THE DRESS. Mucho excited. It was on sale so it so I won't have to sell a kidney (although many dresses are probably the cost of a heart or a good set of lungs). It fits as it is and it has a corset tie back so that if...or should I say WHEN...I lose weight it will still fit. Its a tad tight in the hips so even a ten pound loss would be awesome. EVEN MORE EXCITING: it is a size 12...I have dropped two sizes since I last tried on dresses. Jackpot!!!!

3) Bad news: My cousin suddenly died just after I wrote my woeful ranting journal entry. Unfortunately, the funeral was booked for the same day as my grandpa's (other side of the family). It was actually a good thing because two funerals in a row would have been too tough.

4) Good news: Tonight I went to my brother-in-laws awesome chinese restaurant and I resisted. I had wor wonton soup that was stuffed full of veggies and a tasty low fat broth. No ginger beef, no chicken balls, no problem. I have never succeeded in resisting before because, no word of a lie, it is the best chinese restaurant in the world.

5) I am getting some minor surgery on my arm tomorrow. I was in a pretty nasty car accident in the summer and had a lot of glass in my arm. Tomorrow, I am getting some remaining glass and scar tissue removed. The plastic surgeon should be able to correct some of the ugly scars I've got. In reality (don't tell the car insurance ), its not all that bad and I am not that self conscious about them. I am self conscious about so many things that I can't let myself be bothered by this. I am starting to notice the scars in pictures, though, and I still get people asking me what happened, so it would be nice to fix them up a bit.

6) Weighed myself today and the weight is going back down a bit. My weigh-in is tomorrow so wish me luck.

So I think my sister is going to kill me.

My mom keeps saying how much she wants to lose weight. I finally told her to go through her cupboards and get rid of all the wonderfully sinful things that should not be eaten. Guess what...she finally did. She pulled out some of the most delectable and naughty food products imaginable and left all the healthy and somewhat boring things stacked on the shelves. Her cupboard is no long a treasure box of all the things I used to love to eat. I guess I need to find a new hobby since perusing her cupboards is no longer exciting.

So on to the part where my sister is going to kill me... My mom took it all over to her house, instead. Now she's going to have to deal with it. *LOL* Contrary to belief, it was not my idea.

I can't believe my mom finally made a commitment like this. I told her how worried I was about moving back with them for the summer and gaining the weight back. She finally decided to make the change, not just for me but for herself and my dad as well. I hope the resolution sticks when I go back home.

wow thats awsome of ya mum to help out - let us know how the fallout goes

So I flew back home to Vancouver today. I guess this means that it's back to life as per usual. I weighed my self on my "home scale" and the results aren't so bad. I am up only 0.8lbs from when I left. I consider this a success since it has been two very rough and very tempting weeks.

When I was checking in at the airport I happen to run into someone I knew on the same flight. Unfortunately, it ended up being a guy who talks non-stop about himself (then again, I'm the one on here talking non-stop about myself. LOL). Its actually hilarious. He's a player that is convinced he is not a player. He prides himself on not being one. I egged him on, teasing him about how much of a player he is. He thinks I'm joking, but in all actuality I'm quite serious. It was quite a good diversion for the time I needed to kill, but I can only take so much. Thank god, I didn't have to sit near him as I would have become the wacko passenger that the air marshal has to subdue.

I was thinking of something today. Its funny how when you're little, you beg for treats all the time. When you don't get any, it's mortally wounding. Now when someone gives me a treat, I am devastated. I'd rather have someone slap my hand when it is caught in the cookie jar. I beg people to not give me treats. How F***'d up is that? It's seeming a little S&M...

I have decided to give the couch-to-5K running program a try. I'm not sure about how its going to go. I'm trying to be optimistic. I am going to procrastinate from my homework a bit and go shopping for some good running shoes. I'm not going to go too high end until I can see if my back can handle the running, but I have to get good enough quality to support my back. A little of a conundrum...

Hopefully it takes a long time to figure the shoe thing out because I REALLY don't want to work on homework. This school crap has got to end soon. I'm near the end of my eighth year of post-secondary. This is starting to seem a bit abnormal. And I don't think I'm getting any smarter...

Hoping you all have a happy Sunday!

Yeah I've got to say my mom's pretty awesome. It was just a matter of refocusing her ideas on what is considered spoiling. Spoiling me no longer includes food. I really hope she can stick to her plan. Her cooking has definitely leaned up. She now cooks only enough for a hockey team, not an army. LOL. It has to start somewhere I guess.

Oh my god...I just posted pictures in the before, in between, after forum. I don't even know what to say...I hesitated over the submit button for a long time. Its done. Check em out if you want, I guess.

I just found your diary hon, and I have to say, you amuse the crap out of me. I love, love, love your sense of humor and your writing style. It flows effortlessly and is quite capitivating.

Congratulations so far on the twenty pound weight loss. You look absolutely amazing. You'll be the most stunning bride ever, you wait and see. Oh, and you're SO CUTE!! My goodness, I LOVE your hair!!

The post about talking with a player was so funny. I know so many of these guys. We can't convince them they're absolute dawgs no matter how hard we try. If we happen to mention to them their proclivity for conceit and their meglomaniacal egos, they snort, cock an eyebrow, roll their eyes, and act as though we'd just told the worst joke in the world. These types of men are so much fun, aren't they? *eyeroll*

Good luck on the couch-to-5k! It took me a year to work up enough stammina to last for five miles. First it was a quarter mile, than a half, then a whole, then two, three, four and so on. We just have to gradually push ourselves, and train our bodies to deal with the physical strain in order to become stronger. And you know what? It hurts like heck at first, but when you're able to run for five miles and burn 700+ calories in one night, it's all worth it in the end. You'll get to this point. I have faith in you, luscious!!

Ivariant,

Thanks for dropping in. I feel like one of the "cool" kids finally came over to my house after school.

Thanks for the compliment on the hair. Truth be told I need to go in for a bit of a cut... I've been putting it off. The last time was in October when I paid $80 out of sheer desperation. I am now ruined. It was such an awesome cut that I don't want to go anywhere else. There is no way I can afford to back either! I think I'm going to give in soon... I have to say that your hair is gorgeous in your pics. How about we swap hair now and then because I have always wanted hair like yours?

Yes I could definitely go on and on about what a jackass my player-friend is. I'm not even sure if I really dislike him because its pretty damn amusing talking to him. I can have a twenty minute conversation with him and then talk to someone else about him for a good hour! He adds fuel to my conversations.

So I am all in for the couch to 5K. It seems that whenever I make a commitment to do something it involves my pulling out the plastic. This time it was $250 for a good pair of running shoes, a pedometer, and a new sports bra. Now, I'm locked in to this running thing.

I have to laugh at the sports bra. I needed something to strap the girls in good. It wouldn't be nice to be running with them smacking me in the face. I got a really good one, but man its complicated to get it all set up right. There's velcro strap things, clasps, latches...the whole nine yards (no I don't mean nine yards of fabric--I am not a friggin jersey cow!). It feels like I'm getting stapped into a parachute or something. I don't think I signed up for that class, though...

I downloaded the couch-5K podcast recommended by daiseeangel and I am all set to go out. I'm not sure exactly when I'll head out today. I'm raring to go, but I've been procrastinating (as usual) on an abstract I have to write for a paper I'm proposing. Not looking forward to it.

Procrastinating seems to be a common theme in my diary. I've trained myself into the belief that I work better under pressure. Who am I kidding? Do I really enjoy sleepless nights before a deadline? No. It contradicts my other favorite hobby...sleeping. However, sleeping as a means to procrastinate...now that is sheer delight...