Sophie,
Like you, I have struggled with the shame of this process and the shame of the fact that I let myself get in this shape in the first place. I've been reading Martha Beck's new book "Steering By Starlight" which addresses a lot of the thought provoking issues that you have presented us with. In order to do anything properly, with peace, we must begin at the end, coming from a place of calm and wholeness. If we think about it, everything is easier to complete when we come from a place of already possessing it. Going into a job interview, by believing the job is already ours, we appear calmer, more in control and may even be liked more. Thank you so much for this wonderful post!

Breakfast—oatmeal cooked with skim milk with mango sauce, two cups of coffee with skim milk and molasses
Lunch—Amy's frozen burrito with light sour cream and salsa
Snack—coffee with skim milk and molasses
Dinner—low-fat, low-carb tortilla, chicken breast with two tbsp mole sauce, spinach salad with strawberries macerated in balsamic vinegar and very little olive oil, 100-calorie ice cream sandwich

I did not get around to exercising today, which is irritating, but I was thwarted by insuperable sleepiness and the urgent need to read lots of Lacan (I hate Fridays).

Carrie, thank you so much for stopping by! I really think one of the drawbacks of the internet is my inability to cook up a nice dinner for all of you. I was interested in what you said about the book you've been reading—I'll have to add it to my already gargantuan Amazon wishlist.

Rach, you're absolutely right about the sexiness. Ridiculously, I felt sexy today too because my snuggly sweater is getting stupidly large for me, and I felt so very smug wearing it to the grocery store.

Natalie Jo, I'm glad my post was helpful to you. I really think when people tell us that we're immature, it's their way of trying to discount or devalue us—life would be much better if we all viewed ourselves as perpetually immature and were happy that way!

Heather, I loved what you said about adaptability. It adds a whole new dimension to my thinking, because of course on the species level, what's most helpful to us is our adaptability to our surroundings. It's not "good" traits that get selected genetically, it's the ones that help us to survive and procreate. I'll have to think about what that means on the microcosm, but it's definitely a very cool aspect.

Breakfast—one egg, baked with a bit of skim milk and butter; two slices sugar-free bread toasted, one with one tsp blueberry preserves; hot milk with ginger and one tsp sugar
Snack—one cup coffee with skim milk and two tsp sugar, 90-calorie packet some kind of sweet, grainy bite-sized thing
Lunch—corned beef sandwich, cauliflower soup
Snack—sugar-free jello with raspberries
Snack—100-calorie packet cracker sticks
Dinner—leftover chicken with Russian garlic walnut sauce, sweet potato fries, mixed salad, chiefly spinach, with dried cherries and some light balsamic dressing (the kind in the spray bottle)

Did 27 minutes on the elliptical today. I really, really didn't want to work out, since I didn't get enough sleep last night and felt sort of generally crappy, but since my rule is that I have to exercise at least every other day, I didn't give myself any choice. I did, however, pull out the big guns: the Rocky Horror soundtrack! It really works perfectly for doing cardio in intervals, with "Science Fiction Double Feature" as a warm-up, "Damnit, Janet" for the first hard push, then "Over at the Frankenstein Place" to cool down a little, then another hard push for "Time Warp" and so forth! Most importantly, it was fun!

No big movement on the scale this week—just .6 pounds. I think I know why, though, and have corrected the problem. In the meantime, I'll take any loss I can get.

Sophie!! You totally rock. I love the Time Warp. I want that soundtrack on vinyl so bad!! and it is so hard to find!!

Twenty minutes is fine! You are doing so awesome and .6 pounds is something to be excited over .. just keep trecking

love yas
always
your friend
natalie jo

Every time I read your day's food intake, my mouth waters! LOL. It all sounds SO delicious!!! MMMMMM...*looks down at carrot stick and sighs*

Breakfast—two cups of coffee with skim milk and three tsp sugar (total), high-fiber cereal with fresh strawberries and milk
Lunch—corned beef sandwich with whole grain bread and mustard
Snack—carrots and two tbsp light caesar dressing
Dinner—flounder filet with mushrooms and low-fat sauce, baked cabbage with non-fat feta, Georgian green beans, one cup coffee with skim milk and one tsp sugar
Snack—one cranberry oatmeal cookie, 100-calorie bag of popcorn

Did 48 minutes on the elliptical, since I know tomorrow will be either low-exercise or a rest day, since I probably won't get home till around seven at the earliest, and I leave home before eight, so…yeah, not a good workout day. Today, however, was!

Natalie Jo, thanks for the wonderful encouragement!

Carrie, I'm very glad I can provide you with food porn. It's funny, I sometimes feel like the best I can do is shove a Lean Cuisine in my mouth some nights, but I do like to cook when I can, and I'd be sorry if I had to give that up to be healthy!

Sophie honey, I LOVE coming in here to read that you're pushing yourself to the point of accomplishment. I'm so uberly proud of you, chica.

What I especially enjoyed reading, was your music playlist while you workout. I just watched 'Sweeny Todd' today and found the songs quite enchanting. I was telling my mother how I'd enjoy the soundtrack. What I didn't say, was how easy I could find running to it's dark, melodical beats. I could listen to the whole story during my hour session if I wanted. It would make for something new anyway. Not to mention, Johnny Depp can really sing. Who knew, right?

You always put a smile on my face, honey. Keep this up. You're amazing!! (((Big Hugs)))

Hiya Sophie! Just wanted to offer congrats on the awesome elliptical time you did! Also wanted to just reiterate that your food record is just awesome. You just keep piling on healthy, delicious choices and I'm soooo impressed by them! Hoping that your long day today wasn't too bad!

Gah, forgot to post before bed.

Breakfast—two Kashi waffles, one spread with almond butter, one with two tsp blueberry preserves; half a grapefruit; one small turkey sausage; one cup coffee with one tsp sugar and skim milk
Snack—fiber bar
Lunch—leftover flounder with mushrooms and low-fat sauce, steamed artichoke heart with one tbsp light mayonnaise, fresh strawberries, one strawberry balsamic caramel chocopod, two cups coffee with one tsp sugar and crappy powdered creamer
Snack—half a nut bar (approx. 100 calories)
Snack—half a bagel and low-fat cream cheese
Dinner—roasted chicken with garlic walnut sauce, Georgian green beans, asparagus lightly sprayed with canola oil
Snack—hot milk with cinnamon and one tsp agave nectar

I really, really hate this week. I just wanted to apologize to all of you for not being around much, but I barely have any time off at all this week and might collapse from nervous exhaustion soon.

Rach, Heather, thank you both so much for your encouragement! Some days it really doesn't feel like I'm getting anything right, but I know that more is right than is wrong these days.

Oh Sophie! Im sorry your not feeling well! You can do this hun!! Just relax, take a deep breath. I heard Yoga is really awesome. You might want to try it to destress. Talk to you later hun and hope you feel better soon!

**sending good vibes your way**

love yas
always
your friend
natalie jo

Again, forgot to post last night, owing to exhaustion:

Breakfast—two slices whole-grain toast, one topped with a poached egg, one spread with one tsp red currant jelly; one small turkey sausage; one quarter grapefruit; one cup coffee with one tsp sugar and skim milk
Lunch—southwest chicken wrap so filled with fat that I can feel it splurging out on my body as we speak, banana
Snack—protein bar
Dinner—baked cabbage with feta, small portion corned beef
Throughout the day—innumerable cups of coffee with small portions sugar and powdered creamer

I hate hate hate this week, and I hate that I didn't have time to make my lunch yesterday and had to buy that dreadful thing, and I hate that I've not had a single hour free to exercise, and I hate that I can't really hope for anything better today.

I know I'm not doing well, but I have to keep recording all of it or I'll fall off the deep end altogether and be found in a corner stuffing cookies and fried chicken in my face.

Natalie Jo, thanks for the suggestion. Really, though, the only thing that's going to help is just getting through this month, one day at a time.

You're exactly right, Soph. You have to take this one day at a time. It's all about the baby steps, hon.

So you've been doing bad this week? So what? It doesn't mean you've ruined the rest of your life. It's just a mindless four days. It means NOTHING in the long run provided you don't keep this up. And you won't, cause I know you and you're more determined than this.

Yes, it's a frustrating truth that you haven't done as good as you intended, but it's not a devestating one. This is merely a speedbump in our lives that we have to clamber over.

You'll do better, chica. I'll hold you to it, lol.

Big hugs and happy Wednsday!!

Hope you're feeling better soon my dear, I'm sending good vibes your way!!! Hopefully the stress level in your life will come down soon. And you are doing WONDERFULLY. Don't let your food intake stress you even more. Do your best, take a hiatus from having your diet and exercise being a focus for this week and let yourself take care of everything else. And take a nice hot bath for the one that I missed this past weekend! I love what Invariant said and I want to second that.

Take good care of yourself!

Breakfast—one cup coffee with one tsp sugar and skim milk; two slices whole-grain toast, one topped with a poached egg, one spread with one tbsp nutella
Snack—maple brown sugar instant oatmeal
Lunch—sushi rolls
Snack—leftover sushi
Dinner—green beans with cranberries, romaine salad with baked salmon and light caesar dressing, sugar-free jello with raspberries
Snack—one cup hot milk with nutmeg and one tsp sugar

Today felt a bit better—not precisely an exemplary day, but not a day I feel specially ashamed of, either. I managed to do twenty minutes on the elliptical when I got home this evening. It was tough, but I did feel better when it was done, and I'm looking forward to a nice, long workout tomorrow, since I have the morning off (and also a house in desperate need of cleaning and a truly offensive amount of reading to do, but I'll balance it).

I have an absurdly expensive new dishcloth in the kitchen that says "DISHY" on it in various ornate fonts. I think I'm going to use it as a reminder of how healthy food makes me dishier every day!

Rach, it's wonderful to know that you have so much confidence in me. And you know, it does help. Today I was having the usual inner fight with myself about exercising, and I thought, "Think how much nicer it will be to post tonight if you can say you exercised at least SOME."

Heather, I did indeed take that hot bath you recommended! It made me feel a little more alive after another very long day.

Hi Sophie,
I'm sorry you've had a bad week so far, but yay for morning off. MMMM...Kashi waffles sound delicious. I LOVE Kashi everything, but I've never tried the waffles. Slight confession.... I think I may love it so much because of the commercials, LOL!!!! Who doesn't want to zipline across a forest and drink coconut water with the natives of some exotic country!!?? I DO!

Your bad day is better than me on my best...try to keep it in perspective. You are doing FABULOUS! KEEP IT UP GIRL!

Carrie

P.S- Thanks again for the food porn! LOL