Hey Annie!!!

I've been eating non stop and all the wrong things too... and I feel terrible and feel like just giving up, but WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO!!!

I have run again this week for the first time in a month... I'm just going to try do it 3 times a week, it always makes me feel better.

Just love yourself, and never give up on yourself.

I've fallen off the wagon so hard.... I'm in Illinois visiting my grandmom with my parents, and there's so much ice cream, cookies, candy, just so much shit. I don't know how to convince myself that tomorrow will be different, I've fallen asleep telling myself that things will get better, tomorrow I won't have those two scoops of ice cream or those cookies or that ridiculous mound of potato chips... and every day end the day feeling like I failed. I feel like an idiot- I mean, I did it once, why the hell can't I do it again?

I think there might be a little psychology behind my weight gain of 10 pounds. I feel like I'm undoing what was going so well. Maybe I'm scared to be a grownup. I don't WANT to leave the nest. I'm terrified of someone actually finding me attractive, because I've never felt proud of my body before. I think what lies behind my deep shame and fear of intimacy and feeling sexy is that when I was 13 or so I was sort of sexually molested on the internet by some guy, who told me what I wanted to hear, that I was wanted, that I was attractive, and in turn made me say what he wanted to hear. The "relationship" lasted about 6 or 7 months, over which time I called him and we had phone sex (keep in mind, I was 13.). I feel so ashamed because I feel like I should have known better, like I'm an idiot for ever feeling unwanted and it's my fault because I should have stopped him. I've never told anyone that, because I'm so ashamed and embarrassed.

I sit here in my grandmom's spare bedroom, 10 pounds heavier, with a huge weight on my shoulders. I don't understand why I feel like this. I know I need to let go of the past and move forward, but I don't know how. I've been too embarrassed to talk about this with my counselor, and I feel stupid because I know it would help. But this is the extent of what I can do right now, and I feel so ashamed of myself for ever letting this happen. Mentally, I know it's not my fault, but emotionally, I blame myself for the whole thing. I'm sorry for unloading on you guys, but I hope you can understand why, this thing has been eating away at me, bringing shame and anger over me whenever I feel like I'm starting something good.

Annie

Sooo... I'm pretty sure everyone's out doing their big 4th of july thing (except you from other countries... pretty sure our 4th of July doesn't coincide with foreign holidays?) Uh so I had a nice 4th of July up here in Illinois, 1.5 hamburgers, lotsa sugar-free jello, 2 brownies, a teensy bit of some really dense pound cake (I had to try it because my cousin Joe's friend made it and he asked me what I thought... it had nuts in it. BleK!) oh and I kinda went crazy with the tootsie rolls (10-15 of them) and I had 3 or 4 pieces of Dubble Bubble bubble gum... oh, and 1.5 bowls of cheddar and sour cream ruffled potato chips.

I have a headache. It could be the changing weather, the intense effort of keeping track of everything that was going on plus the added strain of keeping up an ongoing conversation and trying to hear what the other person said, the "fireworks" (you know bubble wrap? They have REALLY big bubble-d bubble wrap... those "packing pillows" that are plastic filled with air... imagine boxes and boxes of big and little bubble wrap... specifically the ones the size of your head... and then imagine 40 or 50 people jumping up and down, popping them. INSIDE THE HOUSE. It's not that big of a house.), or it could be something else I can't think of right now... but whatever it was, I need tylenol.

I think I did pretty well, but I was helped greatly by the cookies having nuts it them (can you tell I really don't like nuts? ) and the brownies being in a room where the people in the other room can see you hovering over the pan... I don't like feeling watched when I eat. I was sure they were thinking what a cow I am eating all the brownies.

Well... that's all..
<3 Annie

Soooo... uhhhh.. WHERE THE F____ IS EVERYBODY?!!!!
I want to talk but there's no one here to listen! I can't talk about stuff without feedback.
Where'd y'all go?

So I've been doing really bad. I've gained somewhere around 20 lbs, mostly because of binge eating.
For instance, today I've had:
-2 slices of white toast with margarine (I was being good for breakfast, but noticed the calories for the bread <80 cal/slice> and decided to have two slices instead of one and some fruit. I don't understand myself. )

I went to the eye doctor. I wasn't even hungry when I got to BK but I got a medium because I love their fries.

-8 pc Chicken tender meal from BK... with Medium fries and drink<Diet Coke>. (Medium is huge.)
-small vanilla milkshake (I got it because I thought it would stop me from eating the ice cream in the freezer... it didn't work)

Came home from BK, got dropped off by mom, so I was all alone in my house. HUGE trigger. AND it was raining, so I couldn't take a walk (not that I would have given up the chance to be alone with the fridge and freezer.... WHY DON'T I JUST STOP EFFING EATING?!!)

-3 scoops of vanilla ice cream
-a small bowl of Reddi-Whip (probably about a cup or a cup and a half)
-a bowl of wavy lay's potato chips
-a snack pack of sour cream and onion pringles

All within 45 minutes once I got home.

GAH!!

I want my mom to call my psychiatrist so I can get back on my wellbutrin. This whole thing started when I went off it.

Phew. I need to write that down in my binder.
Well, ok... Bye.

I'm starting over, forgetting all the shitty habits, and reinventing myself. This WILL work, I DO have control, and I CAN do it. I admit, I have weaknesses, and, as a human, I need to acknowledge my limits. If I slip, it does NOT mean I can fuck up the rest of the day. I need to realize I have my faults, there are patterns of behavior so deeply ingrained that they need to be tackled with time and patience, and I will never NEVER again tell myself that I am not just as worthwhile as those around me. I will try to stop being so self conscious, because logically I know that not EVERY person is looking at me, but even if they were, why the hell do I care what they think?!

I want to get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and LIKE MYSELF. I want to know that there is meaning in every day, things to do, a reason that I woke up... OTHER THAN FOOD. I want to make ACTIVITY the focus of my life, NOT food. I do not want the first thought in my head when I wake up to be of food, but instead, what activities I will partake in, such as walking, walking the dogs, and reading.

I CAN DO THIS. I WILL NOT GET FRUSTRATED AND GIVE UP. I WILL MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY DAY AND START ENJOYING MY LIFE.

I will need support, and I am starting a new diary thread: Becoming Me Again.


<3 Annie