i didn't know how to title this, so i just put a line from one of my favorite poems.

i have had a lot of trouble with the concept of weight loss. for a long time i debated between my urge to look better, and the fact that i expect people to like me for who i am, and not who i look like. but the fact is, i've been feeling guilty about putting on weight for so long - more than half my life. i guess i should just suck it up.

i guess my reasoning is that i have an image of myself, and that image doesn't match reality. i love fashion and shopping - i mean, i like poetry, books, music and science as well - but damn i could also spent hours trying on clothes, i'm always looking at people's outfits and thinking of how i could improve them, i'm always checking vintage stores - i love that shit. the things is, i don't like the way i look in the clothes i love. every time i go out to the mall it's a big depression-fest, and a lot of "i'll come back when i lose weight". i don't want to do that anymore, it would make me so happy to go shopping and wear everything i wanted to.

i'm not naive, i don't think that being thinner will remove all my problems, but i do think that dressing the way i want to, looking like the person i see myself as, will give me more confidence.

i think i'm losing weight for the right reasons. one thing i'm NOT going to do is cut out certain foods for a long period of time. i suppose that is one tactic, but i absolutely love food. no, i'm serious, i LOVE food. i love tasting different cuisines, going to restaurants, learning to make delicious deserts, etc. it really enriches my life in a healthy way, and i'm not giving that up. i don't mind cutting very fattening things out in the short term, but in the long term i want to follow a routine that will let me eat the things i want to eat, but in moderation.

so, i started off at 80kgs/176lbs, and have gone down to 77.7kgs/171lbs. my goal weight is 55kgs/120lbs, but if i still don't look like i want i've set a lowest-weight of 50kgs/110lbs. that means that, no matter how i look, i'm stopping there.

don't worry, i'm 5'2 and small boned. even when i was 100lbs in eighth grade i looked slightly chubby.

in the end, though, this isn't really about the weight, but more how i look. i think the ultimate challenge will be to go into a store and try on something i love and like the way i look in it. i'll stop then, no matter what weight i am.

i don't know if other people read these things, but here are some questions:

• one thing i'm hoping will happen is going down a couple of bra sizes. right now i think i'm slightly bigger than a double d, and i'd love to go down to a c cup. has anyone had their breast size go down at all? how much?
  
• i tend to eat a lot when i'm hungry, it's almost uncontrollable. i'll literally just eat and eat and eat and eat. so my new plan is to eat little meals throughout the day so the hunger stays controllable. does anyone do this, or have the same problems? what do you do to solve it?
  
• how do you get motivated to exercise?
  
• sometimes i just get overwhelmed with the urge to eat, and it's so hard to control it. i used to think it was disorder-related, that's how bad it was, but now i think it's just a lack of self control mixed with hunger. so when you do eat, how do you force yourself to take just one slice of cake, or pizza, or limit your servings?

ok that's all. i'm gonna peace out for now.

Some women (and men) have had their breast size decrease... I am not one of those lucky ones... my bra size has gone down - from a 46DD to a 36DD but the cup size has stayed pretty much in proportion - unfortunally.. I'd kill for small boobs i tell ya

two things work for me
1. If I exercise - I can generally eat more and i like to eat
2. I like the exercise I've picked for myself so while it's called a workout - it's not work -it's effort I put in - and it challenges me -but I like it...
Find something you like to do and use that as your exercise

Welcome to your diary -ahd have fun while you're here