Hey everyone, normally I post once a day but I'm soooooo bored! hahaha

Tarzan I put that on my grocery list for when I go to the store later this week. It sounds soooo good!!! You should FOR SURE check out David Sedaris. I would recommend his book "Me Talk Pretty One Day" you will be rolling on the floor.

Pastelroses thanks hun!!! Apartment hunting is horrible. I have seen so many places and I don't think one of them is RIGHT. I have a few appointments tomorrow, and one of them looks really promising so fingers crossed I have an apartment.


In other news, I'm going to vent. So here it goes...I don't have the job YET, I still have to meet with HR and take a drug test, which I'm sort of worried about because my celebration of getting the job ended up with a little smoking...ok alot...but I was so drunk I really had no idea what my sly, manipulative friends were doing... So hopefully I'll pass, but since I was an idiot I have been beating myself up over it the past week. Everyone says I'll be fine (even my doctor lol) but I'm still taking all precautions. I took a practice test today and passed YAY so I really hope I will do well later this week.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I never really ever smoke. I mean once in awhile as a freshman in college, and then sometimes senior year, but I really have never particularly liked the feeling. I was always the really good kid in high school with the wild friends. I was the one who would go to parties and have one drink tops, mostly because I'm scared of my parents, and would always drive people home (you know how much gas was then in Ohio...under a dollar). I was a four year letter winner and started in both tennis and lacrosse in high school, with scholarships to UC San Diego, Cincinnati, and tons of Division II schools. I didn't want to do any of that because my dream of being a doctor and my great grades got me scholarships to schools like OSU and NYU, so I really didn't have to worry about depending on sports like my other friends. So I went to OSU, mostly because my parents had to pay next to nothing for me to attend a university where I would be attending one of the best microbiology programs in the nation. Also, who really can afford NYU?!?! I would have been in the same graduating class as the Olsen twins, and my parents are certainly NOT in their tax bracket.

In college was when I really started getting wild, I had friends who were crazy and the first two years I really maintained myself. I would go to class everyday, I always had the highest GPA, and in the hardest major. I would like to point out that Freshman and Sophomore year I was at my goal weight. I weighed a wonderful 135-140 and was happy. I never really had to work hard at it, I would just go to the gym every other day, go on the elliptical and zone out then go home.

Around Junior year was when it got bad, partially because that was when I started drinking alot. I never had a problem, I would only drink on weekends but the quantity I drank increased dramatically. I would lose my inhibitions and eat food late. During the day I would be lazy and not workout as much. Compound on this my schoolwork exponentially increasing in difficulty and work piling up, it seems I gave up on myself and threw myself into schoolwork. I started not getting the grades I wanted, but they most certainly were the grades I earned. Doing poorly in school, drinking alot, eating out alot, and not working out as much turned me into a lazy slug who grew overweight.

I knew I needed to lose weight, it was overwhelming the feeling of not controlling anything and growing bigger each week. The moment that changed was when I was back from Spring Break. All of my friends were sooo thin, and so happy. It seemed like in every picture they were surrounded by guys and in the ones I was in I was only with my friends. I felt unattractive, ashamed, and embarrassed that I had let myself slide that far. I weighed myself after seeing the pictures. I had hit 200 lbs, a weight I never thought I would EVER see. I cried so hard that night. I was disgusted in my body, and I vowed to make a difference.

The next day I went out and bought a book on becoming a Triathlete. I wanted to have a goal, a reward, something to achieve. I downloaded the Couch to 5 K program and started on Day 1. I used to be able to run miles, and although it wasn't my favorite, I would do it for sports. I couldn't even complete Day 1 without being completely winded and left feeling inadequate. The next day I stuck with it, and began taking spin classes again. My ass was kicked hard, I couldn't keep up. Over the months I developed slowly some days and on others I accomplished nothing. By June I could RUN and BIKE. I am no way back to my former self, but I am slowly taking it one day at a time. I slip up more often then not, but I never want to go back to what I was. Success is so close that I can taste it.

Wow. I'm so sorry for writing so much. My roommate is gone (death in the family) so I'm bored, and apparently emotional. hahaha Well good night everyone and I hope things went well today for you!!!!!!!!

I uploaded my before pictures. The first one seems really zoomed in, and that is how my crop feature worked.

These were taken on spring break and to my disgust, they were me at my heaviest.

Yes, I am shotgunning a beer. Yes, it was a trashy spring break.

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Hi! Just thought I would introduce myself around here, im Ella

You have had an amazing journey, and wow you must be one smart cookie to get into NYU! Although that would be weird being in the same year as the Olson twins...

Thats great that you are so motivated to get back down to your goal weight, and with your positive attitude you'll be there in no time!

I didn't even know some employers made you take drug tests for jobs? I suppose some areas you would need to test for it...

Haha! I had to laugh a bit when I saw the beer picture... ahhhh, I DON'T miss those days drinking was my problem to. Mostly cuz it was like a friggin party trick- "See who can drink more than Jessie!" Cuz yeah, noone could, lol, hence the huge amount of weight to lose.. Wellll, I don't drink that much anymore, but somedays I think about it, lol.
Great job on the workouts

Ella welcome to the board!!!!!!!! Thank you for the wonderful compliments I never considered myself "smart" but a really good test taker. I loved taking the SAT because I thought the word problems were so much fun. So embarrassing! I am doing research with children so I can completely understand the need to drug test! Good luck with YOUR journey, I look forward to hearing it!!!

Jess I DO NOT miss those days of pounding drinks like that. We considered Spring Break our last "hurrah" of college, but for some it turned into a vacation that never really ended when we got back to school. I wonder if we had a drinking contest in our prime what forces of nature you and I would have been together. hahahaha When I go out with my friends who CAN drink like that still AND look amazing I get so angry! It was fun, but I'm realizing it isn't worth it! I'm glad you are the same way, it is always nice having someone in my corner!

So today has been a good one so far. I woke up and was not hungry (this never happens) so I just drank a lot of water and went to all of my scheduled viewings of apartments. It is amazing the way some people live in $900/mo apartments, and by amazing I mean squalor. I went to some of the foulest apartments I have yet encountered today. The landlord even had no idea how some of these people were living. The worst was an artist's apartment in the Short North district, which is the trendy, art district of Columbus. It was an amazing price of $775 right by the park, a 1 bedroom, a real steal. I was very excited to see it, and when I went in it smelled disgusting. The realtor said she was an artist who would work with wood and paint and natural objects. I think what he meant to say was she painted with shit, because that is LITERALLY what she did. By the way, she painted with shit cave drawings on a canvas. Disturbing, but even more disturbing was the "sold" sticker on it. I kept my laughter inside of me until I got into my car a half hour later.

So I have a few more to view this afternoon and then I am off to work out at the gym! It is getting ready to rain so I don't think it will be a bike day with me. I might repeat yesterday's workout since it felt so good, I don't know, we'll see!!! Good luck with everyone!

Hey Buckeye,

I just read your "vent" email and was disturbed when you were talking about your thin friends surrounded by guys and how dissappointed it made you with yourself. You also made a statement about success being just around the corner (forgive me, I still haven't learned how to pull out quote sections). First, definately know what you consider successful. Is a weight, a size, a health screening, an outfit, a man, a job, a triathlon, etc.??? Second, know that you are your worst critic. You already ARE successful and are on a true plan to a better, happier and healthier you.

AND: don't ever let men validate your success (whether or not they're next to you in pictures or not, or anything else like that). They are wonderful to have in your life, but not when you'll only be happy with them when you're thinner. If a guy is hanging out with you solely because of your hot body and wouldn't be with you otherwise isn't worthy of being immortalized in a photograph. The rest of them are pretty great and would have loved to be next to you in your spring break pictures - it looked like you were having a grand time!

Sorry, I'm done preaching now.

You are doing GREAT. Slip ups are normal and will always be looming around. I'm glad you're embracing them rather than considering giving up (which is what I've always done in the past). Your couch-to-5K plan (and you sticking with it) has been inspiring for me - so I'm counting on you to keep up the great work! Maybe we should both sign up for a sprint next summer to hold ourselves to it....??

Thanks for posting your before pics - isn't it liberating (in a way)?

Best,

Tarazan

Sorry, a couple more things:

Good luck with the apartment hunting, it doesn't sound a bit fun. And, when is your drug test? Good luck with it. I can imagine the kicking-yourself feeling. I am sure it will be just fine and will be rooting for ya!

Tarazan

Tarzan you brought up some good points. I really have never thought of what was successful. I guess I always thought being in medical school and having a career as a surgeon was the pinnacle of success. While I'm on my way to achieve it, I never looked at other facets of my life that I could deem "success." However, when I picture myself in this "successful" role of being a doctor I'm happy and thin. Thin in the sense that I'm comfortable with my appearance. Thin to me is within a weight range that I can be happy at. I never have given thought to what this all means. I never consciously equated thin to happy and happy to thin. Subconsciously, however, I might be doing that.

I want to be happy, I AM happy. I don't know if I will be happiER with this sudden dramatic weight loss, but sometimes it always feels like things are compounding on me, and that is an area of my life I want to control.

Guys. Wow. Let's just say this, I never have been someone who has guys OVERTLY coming on to me. In some vain way, I do want the one to have men who I don't know come up to me on Spring Break and introduce themselves to me because I'm "hot." Oh God, it is sooooo vain!!! I hate myself for wanting that. I have dated great guys. Awesome guys. My last boyfriend was a typical college boyfriend. We met as freshman in our friends' dorm. His friends lived down the hall from my friends. As the years went on, we ran around the same circles but we didn't start seeing each other until a night of "I'm drunk/you're drunk" hookup. One night lasted 1 year off/on. What I'm trying to say is that everyone wants to be wanted. I want to be wanted because I'm fun, I'm nice, I'm smart, I'm talkative, I listen, I help, I encourage, and because I'm that girl he can point at in a bar and be like "no the hot one next to the window." hahahahahahahahahahahahaha SO VAIN!

Whatever. I should pay this site for being my therapist the last two days.

Anyways I love you Tarzan! You're so awesome, thanks for all of your support!!!! I don't know how liberating it felt to post those pictures but basically I said to myself "find the most unflattering pictures you have and post them." So when I weigh a lot less everyone will be like GOOD GOD!! hahaha Maybe I'll be brave like you and post my face....who knows!

Drug test update: I took two today (did I mention they aren't cheap?) and I passed. I think I blew things out of proportion. HA blew...so immature.

Great posts in the last 2 days (no internet for me!), really interesting, I like it when you get to know the person behind the weight loss project on here.

About men... once a friend of mine (who is the most stunningly beautiful girl you will ever see, think Halle Berry, but in prettier) told me: "you are such a classic beauty, I don't get why men aren't all over you" which made me feel special and sort of sad, because if I am a classic beauty (blond, blue eyes, big boobed, kind of doll faced with my pink cheeks, nice straight teeth and "perfect" skin) WHY are't guys all over me???? There must be something repellant about my character then I thought.
I got with my man a few weeks later and I don't care anymore, but of course I want (most of us want) to be hot so that guys come over and talk to us, see that shining in their eyes when they spot us in a party... even when you have a man already it is nice to know that you are attractive and wanted.
part of the reason for my weight loss is so that I can look stunning in my bikini! And sure I am happy that MY man will see me in it, but I also want other men to see me in it and think "Darn, he is lucky, he got himself that hottie!".
My man is pretty good looking (like his face is kind of funny, but amazing body!), he has really broad shoulders, is thin and toned, brown and crispy, no chest hair with big muscles in his arms... I always have the feeling people wonder why HE is with ME when we are on the beach... I want it to be the other way round!!! Or at least to be that couple people think "yeah, they really found a match!".

Are you going to start medical school? Where are you going to go? Have you done something in surgery yet? Personally I am not a surgery person, I have assisted in many, and they bore me to death... my attention span is not that long! But good for you, for knowing what you want! I changed my opinion on specialty like 700 times during med school... I think I have now defined what I want and I am quite happy with my decision.

Have a great day, Camy

You crack me up, Buckeye (or I crack myself up). I don't know why I went off on success/men, I just thought you were having a downer kind of moment and wanted to help. Help what? I don't know, you're so on the right track!

I wonder if there are women who are constantly hit on by men that will read this and say, "I don't want to be attractive anymore, it's too hard to be fending off all these men all the time..."

Glad you passed your two expensive drug tests. Maybe overboard, I'd have done the same thing.

Well, off to learn to run...

Tarazan

Camy I'm so glad you found the guy for you, I hope that one day I can be as happy as you!!!!!! I think you phrased it far better than me, and I feel exactly the same. I already took the MCAT and got a 28. It is a very good score, but I'm retaking it because I was testing in the 30's and I BOMBED verbal. So apparently I can't read, but I can do biological sciences? Doesn't make sense! haha So my timeline is: retake MCAT in January, apply for med schools in June (when app's are accepted), and hopefully be accepted into the class of 2014. WOW that seems far away. I want to have a full two years off and get some money and when I go back to school I'm there for school and I'm not drained and I'm excited to start fresh!! I do want to do surgery though. I have shadowed countless surgeons for the past 5 years off and on of all types. I just love being in the operating room. I love being able to fix something with my hands and I LOVE anatomy. I love being there and seeing a beating heart, I loved watching facial reconstructive surgery, I loved nose jobs, and I even got the chance to watch a leg be amputated. haha The time always flew by, and some doctor's even let me stand right over the body with them step by step. I know people say I might change, but I will always want to be a surgeon I just don't know what field yet. What is your specialty????? Thanks for stopping by!

Tarzan what up girl! If I ever find anyone saying that about wanting to not be as attractive I might maim them. I will physically maim them. hahaha Don't worry, I took another practice drug test again and passed. hahahaha I think I'm going to stop... I hope your run went well!!!!!!!!!

I'm exhausted. However, there is some good news out of today. I found an apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is amazing, it is right in the Short North area (arts district), right on High Street, and I'm surrounded by tons of my friends. I'm sooooo excited!!!!!!

But with that going on I haven't had any time to workout, eat, or rest. I just got home and let me detail a very odd eating day. haha

Wake up: 6 AM
Breakfast: didn't have time to eat POST shower and getting ready to visit HR at work; one tall coffee from Starbuck's
Viewed apt: 10 AM
Lunch: grilled cheese sandwich with 35 calorie bread and 120 calorie of cheese
Snack: 1 grande coffee from Starbuck's
Leased apt: 2 PM-5 PM
Dinner: hot dog from vendor on street with dad haha street meat!!!!!
Snack at 7 PM: small fat free vanilla ice cream from DQ

total: two coffees, grilled cheese, hot dog, ice cream...foul.

I can't wait to eat fruit...

Hope everyone had a great day!!!! i'm going to visit everyone's diaries tomorrow because I'm so tired. Good luck!

Hey Buckeye! Glad ya got an apartment I own my house and its paid off, so THANK GOD I don't have to do that anymore!! But now I'm remodeling, which is a bitch, and if I ever buy another house, it better be damn perfect as is, cuz this isn't happening again, lol.
Have you even read the Drew Carey book? I'm pretty sure its like 10years old, probly been just as long since I've read it, but the ONLY part of the whole thing I really remember was the "Drew Theory" of dating- average looking friends pick ugly, fat, boring, friends so that THEY look better, haha! I think its the total truth- however I don't think I'm ugly or boring, and when I'm hot and skinny I'm totally gonna use my friends the same way Sad? NAh. its just life!
A surgeon, wow.. I hated school, went for a year of college, and will finish one day, but even thats only gonna be a business degree or something similar- so go you!
Make up your workout tomorrow, have a great day!

Bucks, I am in the vagina squad!
Well I am doing my Master's degree in Fetal Medicine to go on to do Obs and Gynae afterwards. I am toying with becoming a genetic counsellor, but not quite sure, I may do that after a couple of years in Ob/GYN (good pay, good hours, a nice little consulting room... sounds much better than all nighters and constant whining on the wards!).
I am not great with cancers and stuff so I want to do more Obs than Gynae (babies are my thing! Everybody says so!), but I like that women talk and you get to know them and being there for them, seeing them through a very unique period of their lives... that is really my thing (which is exactly the opposite of surgery, you never really get to meet the person behind the patient, it is just fixing... well to me anyhow... I think it is great some people want to be surgeons but it totally is not my thing!).

35 calorie bread sounds amazing!! What is in it? I mean every normal slice of bread has like 80 cals over here (and the only types I can eat which are the glutenfree ones have like 100!)!!

Anyhow, gotta go and try to solve things with the ex-friend! Have a better day than me,
Camy

Wow, I've almost been doing this diary thing for a month! Time flies when you are losing weight.............not. haha

Jess if one day I ever own a house/condo/apartment the first thing I am going to do is paint the walls. I have grown to loathe white! haha I also might pound holes in the walls just because they are mine and I can. What I'm trying to say is I'm jealous!!!!! The Drew Theory sounds hillarious, I'm going to have to look at that book. He is an Ohio boy, we support each other in this state!!!!

WARNING! THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS FOUL, GROTESQUE, AND DISTURBING!!!!!!!

Camy omg ob-gyn. omg I hate vagina. I hate it!!!!! During anatomy I failed that section. OH SO GROSS. I once followed an infectious disease doctor who had a morbidly obese woman who just had surgery in her pelvis area, and the fat creases and her va-jay-jay had the single worst yeast infection I can possibly imagine. Not only was it the grosses thing I have yet seen (or smelled) but it turned me off to THAT WHOLE AREA! Never never never! I can't believe I just typed that out. SO FOUL!!!!!!!

Good for you though, it takes a strong woman to work in cancer. I did cancer research that had just become clinical and it was far too depressing for me. Surgery though for me doesn't feel like I'm just the fixer, but I get to be there for a snapshot of someone's life and I get to make a difference and be that point where someone was there, someone they didn't know, and that I cared. I threw away my 35 calorie bread bag because I had the last two pieces yesterday, so when I go to the grocery store next week, I'll tell you what is in them then!

So boring boring day. Here it goes.

Breakfast: banana
Lunch: fish and chips and a side salad with blue cheese on the side (I have been employing the dip fork then into salad technique so I didn't even use a teaspoon of it)
Dinner: Crackers + 2 oz of colby + 1/2 PBJ + small ice cream

working out: 1 hour walk in AM, 2 hour walk in PM

I wanted to take a light day of exercise because last night I think I pulled a muscle in my back because I sleep in positions that are so contorted I could become Harry Houdini.

Good luck everyone and have a great day tomorrow!!!

Hey Buckeye! Just thought I would stop by and say Hi!

Haven't had a chance to read through yet but I will, I did notice that you skip meals when you aren't hungry sometimes? breakfast? Thats counter-productive to weightloss. I read a study about two groups of people, both ate a healthy balanced breakfast, one group had a bigger breakfast the other had smaller. The bigger breakfast group lost 1-2 lbs more per month. I believe the reasoning is that the bigger your daily allotment of calories at breakfast, the smaller the portions the rest of your day. So don't skip meals! Try to eat 5-6 small meals a day, breakfast should be a good size.

Just some advice , hope you don't mind.