Alright. I'm feeling better today. Well, mostly. There's some stuff stressing me out now and sometimes I think mental distress can be much worse for a diet than physical stress. I just got home from a rough day at work and first thing I got a really bad phone call. I was so busy at work today that I didn't have time to eat any breakfast or lunch. I managed to cram one chicken tender (baked, not fried ) down my throat, but that was it. So the bad call came and my appetite hit. I could feel that my blood sugar was in a bad place already and right after hanging up the phone the hunger hit.

For a minute there all I could think about was a greasy cheeseburger from wendys (one of my weaknesses). But instead of jumping in the car and doing 90 to the nearest drive thru, I went to the kitchen and made a salad.

Now that's no guarantee that later on I won't mess it all up anyway, but I'm proud of myself for this much anyway.

Way to resist the burger! I was there last night with Long John Silver's. I am still impressed that you got up at 4 am to work out... That's dedication. Glad that you are feeling better....

Thanks doxiegirl

So I didn't end up having the burger at all. I had that salad earlier and now I made shrimp fried rice for dinner. It said on the bag that it was 230 cal per serving and I (honestly) had about 2 servings. But even that with the salad from earlier is pretty low for what I'm usually having in a day. I guess that's good though.

I do have a problem now though. I just finished eating. I'm full. But I have the *serious* munchies. Everything sounds good to me right now. *Especially* bread. So I dunno what to do. I'm holding on for now, but it's only 7. I'll be up for hours yet and the time after the kids go to bed is the worst for me. I guess I eat kinda out of boredom then.

I need to figure out some more healthy foods that will feel like they stick with me. Something that I'm running into is that I eat something healthy and I'm just really hungry again 1-2 hours later. Pair that with the fact that I'm obviously addicted to food and I've got myself a serious predicament. Sometimes eating for me really is like getting a fix. I just don't know what to do about it.

It's Thursday. I stayed home from work today to go to court, but then found out I didn't need to go. So it gives me some time to get some things done around the house. That's awesome. It also leaves me free to raid the kitchen or run out for fast food-- not so awesome. But so far I'm doing pretty good. I had a boca burger and some crystal light for breakfast. 158 calories. Not too shabby.

I think I'll run out to the store in a bit and stock up on some other things. Well, maybe not stock up. I'm gonna have to try things out a little at a time till I find what really works for me. I know me, and if it's not something I am happy with, I won't do it for long.

It's cold and rainy outside which kills any motivation I have to do anything. But being here reading stuff helps so that's good

That is great that you resisted turning to your comfort foods when stressed. Just make sure you're getting enough calories throughout the day (at least 1200 they say) otherwise any weight loss will probably come back quickly (in my personal experience anyway) as soon as you eat more again. So if you didn't eat anything all day, you might have just had enough calories left over to have the burger--though I realize getting the burger doesn't help you break your bad habits. I guess my point is that a lot of new members on the forum think whenever they're trying to lose weight they must eat only "diet" foods like everything baked not fried and everything water and everything salad--i.e. yucky and austere. When in reality its got to be a lifestyle change for the weight to stay gone (meaning generally monitoring total calories versus types of foods since we know eventually we will tire of salads and plain water). Does that make sense without sounding like any sort of critique of what you're doing (cuz I'm not you're doing great ).

Thanks, Blancita! I understand what you mean about not always having to stick to the boring 'diet' food, but I think I need to work at breaking some of my bad habits first.

Not that I'm doing a good job at that *at all* today. I started off *so* well. 158 calories for breakfast and it was something I liked. But then me and Isaac (that's my 4 year old) went shopping. So who calls while we're out? Jason (that's my hunny). He wanted me and Isaac to meet him for pizza for lunch since I wasn't at work. How could I say no? I couldn't. So we went to this pizza place here that's a buffet. It's actually the *least* greasy pizza I've ever eaten. The crust is all hand tossed and not soaked in any kind of oil. Makes the pizza kinda dry but much better for you, I'm sure. But I really messed up. I think I had 5 slices (but not the crusts at the end)... and then I ate the toppings off 2 more slices... and then I had a (tangerine-sized) sticky bun

I *can't* believe I did that. I'm an idiot. I had all these good intentions and look what I did. How can I salvage the day now? By skipping dinner? That can't be good for me. I don't know. I'm *so* mad at myself now.

So I think I just wanted to punish myself. I wanted to see just how bad I really messed up at the pizza place. So I logged onto their website and checked out the nutrition info. I was pleasantly surprised. It was only about 168 calories per slice. 6 slices is still *ridiculous* but it could have been *so* much worse. Oh, and the sticky bun was only 139 calories-- that was a real shocker. So I entered it into my sparkpeople nutrition tracker and actually found myself still within my daily allowance (under 1500). But then I remembered that I drank some dr pepper at the pizza joint. That put me up at 1600 for the day. And I haven't had dinner.

So I'm still sad that if I eat anything for dinner at all tonight then I'll be way over my limit. But I'm happy to see that I'm not *already* at twice my limit like I thought I was.

So I guess I just have to learn from this experience. I think it's best if I really just steer clear of any buffets. But sometimes I know I will have to go to them (all the ladies from work are having dinner at a buffet for xmas) so I better think of a game plan for future use.

Anyway, I dunno if I'm in a better mood or not. Maybe I'm just a little bit relieved.

Oh, and as a side thought-- I tried some Crystal Light for the first time today. I always thought I would hate it cause artificial sweeteners just leave a nasty aftertaste with me, but I liked it pretty good. So that's a good way for me to keep drinking water at work instead of the sweet tea I'm faced with all day.

What am I gonna do for dinner?? I have *no* idea.

I am *so* glad that it's friday. This has been such a long week for me.

I stepped on the scale this morning after yesterday's binge even though I knew I shouldn't and I was actually pleasantly surprised. In the last week or so I've had an extra 2lbs (of what, I don't know) hanging around. 2lbs *over* my start weight. This morning the scale said those 2lbs were gone. How that's possible after yesterday, I don't know. I'll take it though.

This morning I decided to have breakfast at home. If I wait till I get to work I'll have something unhealthy. So I had a boiled egg and a banana and a bottle of water. Not the tastiest meal or the most filling, but it should hold me over till lunch time.

Speaking of lunch time-- I don't know how that will go today. As I mentioned before, I work in a school cafeteria (that's right, I'm a lunch lady ). Well today is the day of our 'holiday' meal for the kids. So we'll have turkey and dressing and all the trimmings. Granted, it's not mom's home cooking, but it's pretty good *and* some of the best food I'll get at work all year. So I'll have to be careful about what I put on my plate. I'm actually pretty confident today though. I'm not sure why. I think I'll handle it ok.

I haven't worked out in a couple of days. I know that's bad and I am disappointed in myself for it, but I'm trying not to put too much pressure on myself right away. I've read a lot of comments people made about how people start off new at this with all of these big diet and exercise plans and put all this pressure on themselves and then quit in a month cause it's too much. I'm hoping to be at this for the long haul so I'm gonna try to take a couple steps at a time. First I wanna work on my eating cause I know that's where I need the most work.

And I'm trying to tell myself that today is gonna be a good day. I think for me a lot of this is a mental thing. I set myself up to succeed or fail. I want to succeed today.

I'm stressed today. Not because of dieting. Just because of life. I did good at breakfast--not so good since then. I mean I'm only at 820 calories for the day. That's great. I still need to eat some dinner. But I'm just thinking about what I ate to get those calories, and it wasn't so good. But at least I didn't binge, right?

My kids are in there eating pizza rolls right now and they smell really good. But I think maybe I'll throw a chicken breast in the oven and boil up some brussel sprouts. I'm craving milk, which I don't even like, so I'm wondering if maybe my body is needing some calcium. I dunno if it's even true that you crave things based on nutritional needs. Sounds plausible, but most myths do.

*shrugs*

I don't have long, but I wanted to check in.

I did have breakfast this morning. 170 calories.

Going to a big family xmas thing with Jason. There will be food but I think I'll do ok cause it's his family and not mine so I wouldn't be comfortable with gorging myself anyway. I *think* that's a good thing.

I think we're gonna drive out of town to see this xmas light thing later. That probably means I'll end up eating on the go (read *fast food*) which is no good. But if I can keep it under my calories for the day (right now I'm honestly shooting for 1400) I guess it will be ok.

I got plenty of sleep last night so that's good too.

hm... I guess today is looking pretty ok for now.

Alright. I handled myself pretty well at the xmas thing yesterday. I did eat, but I didn't stuff myself by any means. But it was one of those potluck kinda things so of course there is no way for me to track my calories. So I didn't even try.

Then I had to go to this xmas thing at my mom's church. They served hot chocolate and all kinds of cookies and pastries and stuff. I had 1/2 cup of hot chocolate (which was actually a full measured cup i'm guessing) and I took one cookie but didn't finish it cause it was too sweet for me at the time.

But when we got home I was hungry. Like genuinely hungry. So I diced up some chicken and threw it in a pan with about a tbsp of oil and cooked it up with some soy sauce. Then I threw it on a bed of lettuce with some green onions and avocado. So far, so good. But then I added about a 1/4 cup of shredded cheddar and some ranch dressing Shoulda quit while I was ahead. And were that not bad enough-- When I finished that, I went back to the kitchen and made another bowl (only about half full that time though) So I'm not happy with myself about that, but I can move past it.

This morning I layed in bed and watched tv with Jason for a long time. Until he started commenting on my stomach growling so loud. So I went and reheated some of last night's chicken and made another salad. Only one this time though. And while I know I shoulda skipped the ranch and cheese, I can make up for it with the rest of the day.

It should be easy to watch my calorie intake for the rest of the day anyway cause my tummy is upset. Just after eating my salad this morning I was in the bathroom. It wasn't pretty. (sorry for TMI) I've been in there twice since then, but then I decided to take some immodium. I'm not sure why the upset, but maybe cause I ate so much last night. I just hope it's not some kind of bug or something. I can't afford to get sick again.

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I'm thinking of buying that DDR game for my ps2. I've heard some good things about people using it as exercise. I've asked around and actually found some people that lost a decent amount of weight using it. I think it would be good for me cause it would be fun. I have a hard time sticking to exercise plans cause I haven't found something that works that I actually like to do. Anyway, I bid on a bundle on ebay but I lost. It was used and the bids ended up as high as you'd pay for it new so I pulled out. But I'm thinking of ordering it anyway. I need to do something.

In the summer time I do *alot* of hiking. My whole weekends are spent tromping through the woods and some weekday afternoons as well. I know it's good for me, but it doesn't seem to be enough to promote weight loss. I would really like to get into mountain biking, but with 3 small kids there just isn't any way that I can take up an exercise hobby that requires that much time. I could play with the DDR with them here at home with me. And I wouldn't have to leave the house. And it's *alot* cheaper. I dunno. I just need to come up with something that works that I can stick with. And I think the reason why I don't stick with anything is cause so far I just don't like the stuff I've tried. Or the stuff I've tried doesn't work.

So I'm supposed to go to Jason's mom's house and hang xmas lights today. And we're supposed to go look at this house we're thinking of moving to. But I dunno if I can go anywhere with my tummy like this. *sigh* guess I'll just take it easy for now. And believe me this is a lesson learned about what I put in my tummy.

I *hate* myself right now. Seriously. I really messed up yesterday. I've been doing so well. I even saw a small loss. But then yesterday... I hadn't eaten much of anything all day. I knew better, but there wasn't anything at work worth eating so I just picked at some lunch. I mean really just picked. So I was starving and shaky and my head hurt by the time me and the boys got on our way home. So when my middle son said 'mommy, can we get a cheeseburger from mcdonald's?' it sounded like a good idea. That was phenomenally stupid. So I grabbed us all double cheeseburgers. Those are worth 390 calories. I take off the bottom bun which (according to mcd's website) saves me 75 calories, putting it at 315. And I'm pretty sure there's no good nutritional value in the damn things. But I was starving. it was an impulse meal. I know, I suck. But it gets worse. My son only ate half of his-- so guess who felt the need to finish it to avoid waste? That's right, me. I'm an idiot. So I made one of those frozen stouffer's lasagnas for dinner last night. My family loves those. I had a bigger portion than I should have. Then last night at almost midnight I went back to the kitchen (scavenging) and ate more of it. I'm so stupid. Why don't I think about this stuff?? Why don't I have the willpower not to do it?? I used to be anorexic for pete's sake. You would think I could handle a simple diet. I'm so angry with myself right now. I just don't know what to do. So I'm sure I'm carrying a bunch of extra water weight today. The only way I know to get rid of that is by drinking a bunch of water. I'm gonna do my best to do that at work today. We have these 8oz cups by the ice/water machine that make it easy to track. I can just go grab a cup any time. So that's what I'm gonna do. I dunno what I'm gonna do about my stupid choices. I can't believe I did all of that again. I'm like an alcoholic. I can't be trusted around food. That's why the only diet plan that has ever worked for me was anorexia (not that that is any kind of diet plan)-- because I removed all temptation. How can I eat healthy when I have a hunny and 3 kids to feed who will refuse health food? Jason came home from work yesterday telling me all about how he ate way too much at lunch yesterday. He was describing this sandwich he got. He said it was so greasy that it dripped everywhere everytime he took a bite. He eats like that all the time and the man never ways more than 135 with his boots on. It kills me. I could eat salads for a month and still be a fat cow. I guess I just need to start cooking myself something separate. Baked chicken and brussel sprouts (both frozen) every night. That's diet friendly and semi-palate friendly. I dunno how long I could maintain something like that though. I just don't know what to do. I'm failing already and I just started. I'll never meet my goals this way.

How are you failing?

You need a reality check -one hamburger does not a failure make...

Get over it and get on with it...

What does guilt give you - other than a ready excuse for bad choices.. Oh i already screwed up so one more thing won't make a difference.

preparing different meals for yourself isn't a long term option - just because your husband is skinny doesnt mean he's healthy - yuo can prepare satisfying healthy meals that will leave neither of you deprived.

you need to really do some work on losing the diet mindset andseeing dieting as punishment for something.

how many red flags can there be in one post?


Do you think this is an optioN? you've got a husband and three children - especially children who look to youto be a role model? Starving yourself isn't a good l ong term or short term solution as you've realized it leads to poor choices.. . if you want to lose weight in a sane and sensible way and expect it to stay off -you need to eat...

Would you call your children all the names you just called yourself? And not expect a visit from Child Protective services?

Why not be a friend to yourself..

Thanks for the tough love, mal. I'm hoping that's what it was anyway. You're definitely right. I shouldn't have said the things that I did. But that is honestly how I was feeling and what was running through my head. I'm glad that I got it out. Partly because you responded-- you told me what I already knew, but it is still nice to hear.

I guess I respond so strongly to slip ups because I'm such an *all or nothing* kinda person. That's how I ended up with the trouble with anorexia before. I don't want to go down that road again. I just have trouble doing it right, I guess. But I think I can. I wasn't saying that I wanted or intended to be anorexic again, I was just saying that I was anorexic before and if I was able to maintain that strict lifestyle I should be able to maintain a healthy one.

You're also right about making separate meals for myself not being a long term option. I know that won't work. But Jason will continue to make the crazy unhealthy stuff for himself no matter what. He doesn't see it as a threat to his health. I would like to cook healthier meals for the whole family, I just need to learn how. I gotta find things that my kids will be willing to try and like to eat. That will be kinda tough. Plus, with food costs rising... the bad stuff is the cheapest stuff. I know that's a terrible excuse, but we aren't exactly well off. I dunno.

Today I'm doing better. It's 710pm and I've only had about 600 calories all day. I think that's pretty good. I've got a frozen chicken breast in the oven right now. according to the label it's only 150 calories. That seems off to me, but what do I know? I chose the smallest one in the bag. I'm also boiling some brussel sprouts. Those have minimal calories as well. I was thinking about making a small salad to eat the chicken on, but then I would eat dressing and cheese too. I think I have enough calories to spare for the day to do that, but why have it if I don't have to? I can't decide. I might, might not. I'm gonna eat the sprouts first so then we'll see how my appetite is.

I am kinda proud of myself though. The kids wanted mac and cheese and hot dogs for supper. I let them have it. I didn't even take a single bite of either one. That was serious willpower. I *love* mac and cheese.

I have waited too long to eat this evening though. I mean I think so. I'm having trouble concentrating and my head hurts. I didn't wait to eat on purpose. We were out doing some last minute xmas stuff.

Yeah, I'm actually having a hard time concentrating enough to even write this. So I think I'll come back and do this later.