So I ate the chicken and the brusssels sprouts and the small salad. I used sparkpeople to figure up my calories for the day and it came up to 960. That isn't enough. I've always heard 1200 is a good level for weight loss and the lowest healthy goal to use. But I've also heard you should use your bmr and reduce your calories by only 30%-- That means I should have 1470. Either way, I'm under for the day. I'm pretty full right now and I might go to bed early. But if I don't then I'll do my best to get in a few more calories so as to stay in a healthy range. I dunno. I'm kinda torn.

Dont eat if you aren't hungry -just do some better planning thru out the day to make sure oyou're eating enough.

The reason being (as has been stated around here countless times..) if you keep your calories too low for too long -starvation mode is less of an issue but what becomes an issue is when you drop 20lbs and you need to adjust your calories downward -you've got no room for them to go.

YOu need to eat for the body you currently have and give yourself some calorie room to wiggle..

my diet has been, well, not so good. i gotta do better. i mean, i *am* making better choices for sure, but not good enough. i feel like i need to be on a strict diet plan, but at the same time i know that won't work for me. so it's good that i actually am making some better choices, but there are some things that i could be doing much better. like i've started drinking soda again. why? don't ask me cause i sure as hell don't know. i was doing really well with that. but then i started drinking sweet tea alot and it seems that it had even more calories in it than the soda so that was no good. i just can't make myself drink water all the time. a lot of the time is ok, but i just crave something else sometimes. and artificial sweetener (esp aspartame) gives me a headache. so what choices do i have? suck it up and drink the water, right? yeah, i know.

so i went out and bought dance dance revolution. just got it last night. played some last night and some this morning. it's really pretty fun. biggest problem with it is that the kids wanna play too. and i mean that's ok, but when i'm trying to use it for exercise it's not good for me to take turns cause it slows down my heart rate. i wonder how many calories it really burns anyway. the game tells you, but i'm not sure that's accurate. i mean all it has to go on is your weight. i dunno though. what i really need for that is one of those heart rate monitors. maybe i'll get one for xmas. i have talked about wanting one a lot. then i would know exactly what i was getting done. i could feel that my heart rate was getting up, but i wasn't *quite* sweating. anyway, it was fun. and i was up on my feet moving around when i normally would have been sitting in front of the tv or computer so that's a good thing. and i think i could get a better workout with it if i actually had an opportunity to play for a while uninterrupted. then i could kinda get in the groove of it. of course when is that gonna happen? never.

i gotta bake xmas cookies with the kids today. luckily i went the easy way this year and bought the sugar cookies with the pictures already made into them. that way i'm not mixing any dough so i'm not sticking my fingers in it. plus i don't really care for those much so i won't eat many of them anyway. the trick will be not making any chocolate oatmeal cookies or chocolate chip. but unless i go back to the store i can't make either of those and it's really cold outside today so i should be able to resist.

i sound pathetic. i am pathetic. i've gotta do something about this.

i feel like i'm not doing anything to move towards my goals.

i need to exercise for real. i need to diet for real. i'm just not doing it right.

it's just a circle. i hate myself for being overweight. i used to be so thin and pretty. now i just want to cry every time i look in the mirror. but i love food. it's my comfort (like so many other people). so when i look in the mirror and see how fat i've gotten or when i go shopping and i cant buy the things that i want to wear it's my first reaction to go to the kitchen. or the drive thru. or whatever. and what does that do? it makes it worse. and then i feel worse. and then i wanna eat more. so where does it end?

i went to the grocery store determined to buy the right things. i was gonna buy fresh produce so i could have salads and have fruits for snacks and stuff. more veggies is good, right? and i was gonna buy the right kinds of breads and get some fish and-- well i don't really need to go on, if you are reading this then chances are you know what the 'right' things are already. but i was looking at the prices as i was shopping-- adding it up as i went-- and i couldn't afford it. i can't feed my family that way. when i realized it i just felt so bad. i can't *afford* to lose weight. it's too expensive to eat the right foods. and it's winter time-- how can i work out if i can't go outside? gym membership right? nope-- i can't afford it. i left my shopping cart in the middle of the produce section and ran to my car as quickly as i could so no one would see that i was starting to cry.

i try to forget about the moments like that. push them aside. but i can't just do that.

i feel like a failure. i feel like i will never get this right.

see? i feel terrible now so my mind is wandering to what is in the fridge.

i don't know what to do anymore.