My personal Diary:

For the past 3 years, I have felt dead.
Maybe dead is a pretty dramatic word but it explains how I feel about myself inside and out. I stopped living. I have become someone else. My confidence is gone, I feel like not doing ANYTHING and going out while feeling confident and pretty and comfortable and happy has become this dream now. It used to be me, I used to be happy once, I used to be confident and I felt like I was on top of the world. I am VERY overweight, at 270lbs at 5'8 and a large frame, I think i've hit my limit and its showing with size and health.
It's pretty gross and scary as hell when just crouching down to tie your shoes makes you tired and out of breath. I feel that if I dont stop this NOW, it will be all stopped for me by illness and major major health problems and that's pretty darn sad specially being 22 years old.
So much infront of me and I have allowed myself to get this low in life, how in the world did I do that? To this day I couldn't answer this question.

I've tried numerous times in the past to do this, and I stop for some reason, I think I'm the kind of person who expects to run once and eat a fruit just once and expect to lose 100lbs in a week.

I am going on vacation in May, to Europe for a month and I am scared as hell.
I feel like all this fat is holding me back from life, I have NO life at the moment and not because I'm some loser who does nothing, because I am not happy. And who wants to be around a unhappy person?

So I have finally decided to get down to it and try to fight back against the lazy, fat and scared me. It's time for the boxing gloves to come out and fight this till the end.

By May 4th, so this gives me a month, I would love to be down to 10-20lbs.
I am talking about hardcore excercising, and cutting out ALL unhealthy crap, no soda, no sugar, no white bread or pasta. Bunch of veggies and fruits and a lot of water.

Of course I do not plan to stop after I've lost the 10-20lbs, that's just a little goal I've given myself to get things rolling for now. I want to lose in total about 80-90lbs, if I can reach a 100lbs, that would my fantasy come true.

I am typing this and it's 11pm almost, so basically my day today I ate like a person on a suicide mission. ALL CRAP! Lots of bread and just crap.
Tomorrow morning I am eating 2 hard boiled eggs, ill try to see if I got any veggies going on, have a little of those and tons of water and a activia fibre yogurt. But Before all that I will get up at 9am and go and have a 20minute run on my treadmill and I will attempt a few push-ups and what not.

Cross your fingers for me....

20 lbs seems like a lot for a month, but depending on your height/weight, it could be done. make sure you eat more than you've listed up above though...eggs, veggies, yogurt, and lots of water are for sure a good start though. grilled chicken, salad, fruits, brown rice, various 100 calorie snacks, wheat bread, a serving of nuts, and protein shakes are other good foods just off the top of my head...there's a lot more, i just can't think right now.

got my fingers crossed! i'll be working out tomorrow morning as well. good luck on your weight loss journey

I am willing to work hard this month just so I feel a little refreshed and better about myself when I go on vacation to see my family back home in Europe. But I think afterwards i am going to slow down a bit and do it slowly and normaly. I will be very happy if I reach 20lbs, but even if I lose 10lbs I will be very happy because at least the number is going DOWN and not UP like I'm so used to.

Thanks for the food suggestions they sure sound great.
Tomorrow I will go out to a health store and see what kinda shakes I can get to give me that extra boost.

just make sure you don't burn yourself out by being too intense during the first month!!

they have shake mix at GNC and i get mine from bodybuilding.com. they are good for a snack in between breakfast and lunch, which is right when i get home from working out when i'm starving...it holds me over til lunch.

otherwise, there are recipes out there to make your own. which would only require a trip to the grocery store. the one i read most recently was yogurt, soy milk, and some fresh fruit (strawberries), which doesn't sound bad at all.

there's tons of stuff out there...it's just hard to figure out what to eat when first starting, besides the bad stuff you're used to.

well thanks for all your suggestions, I will watch myself, promisse
And yes you are so right, I am just starting off and it's like, what do I eat now? It's confusing to figure out at the moment because I am so used to eating junk and grease and a lot of bread, that my own brain doesnt even know where to start as far as food consumption goes, it sucks.

Good luck with your journey!!! I cant wait to see how you progress!... This forum is great motivation... I know, I have been coming here off an on for a few years, now if I just stayed on here I would not have to keep coming back.. haha.

Sounds like you are motivated...Keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Heidi

I am motivated, I am just really tired of living like this.
I am always tired and I can feel myself wanting to have a life and some fun, and confidence but it's hard to pull off when you don't feel like none of those things so it would be pretending I guess on my part.


Is it normal to be angry at food? lol
I am so angry it at it, really I shouldnt blame it because I am the one eating IT, but for some reason I am so angry at it and I am so angry at myself as well that I just want to NOT eat anything. Is that a normal feeling in the beginning?

And also what is better, eating first and waiting for about 30 min then exercising, or first exercise and then eat?

it all depends on the person. i know maybe people get up and exercise right away without eating, then have breakfast. i'm really hungry when i wake up in the morning, so i have some wheat toast w/ pb & jelly, then workout, then have a protein shake. my workouts seem to be better if i eat cause getting hungry in the middle and chugging lots of water just doesn't do the trick for me. i doubt it really makes a huge difference, it's just what the person prefers to do.

woot woot you got this chick you can stand up and OWN YOUR CHOICES

Thanks Disciple

I got my butt up and went on my treadmill for about 20 minutes. I mostly just did a lot of fast paced walking, uphill for about 2 minutes lol, it was hard on my legs and whowww did I realize how much I am unconditioned.
Just 20 minutes had me all tired, wanting to fall down and never get up, but that made me realize how much I really need this.

I had a great sweat, a great shower and I'm about to eat my brunch.
In the very morning I had one activia fibre yogurt just to get my day started with the NON-junk food.

Right now I'm eating colslaw about a fistful, and then a potato pie (European food dont know if any know much of it but it's called PITA) not a pita like a gyro...potato pie lol. Yes it's doughy, but it's made from scratch by mom mother and it's only a small pizza slice size, so it's actually pretty good compared to what amount I'd usually eat of it coz it's soooo darn good.

yayy for getting up this morning and exercising!!

i was soo bored on the treadmill today at the gym. there were a lot of people there, so lots of conversation and lots of people to look at, and i'm sure that had something to do with it.

i think i wanna buy a treadmill for at home. then i want to make it so if i want to watch tv then i have to walk on the treadmill while doing it. i only watch about an hour or so of tv a day, if that, but any little bit would help i'm sure. except when the bachelor/bachelorette is on...i get sucked into that show regardless if it's an hour long or three hours long, which is when i'd really benefit from my "if you wanna watch tv, you must walk on the treadmill while doing it" punishment. haha

lol that sounds like a great idea actually, the whole u must walk on the treadmill if ya wanna watch tv thing. I felt good after the exercise, felt a little more ready to get the day started.

I pretty much did good in the morning/lunch, had a little to eat *I talked about it up there ^^^^ other post* but I started to decline a little because a friend and I went out for some shopping, then they decided on mcdonalds, now I am actually a little proud of myself because I didnt go all out like I would, I ordered a crispy chicken sandwich with a (SALAD) and a BOTTLE OF WATER. Of course mcdonalds is nothing to be happy about, but I mean a salad and a water for me, thats pretty darn good.


Here comes the BIG BUMMER! Diary, we went to the movies, I resisted on popcorn or any kind of sugery drink, went in empty handed watched I love you man which is by the way hilARIOUS, and then afterwards guess what they wanted to stop by mcdonalds AGAIN. I couldn't believe it, didnt want to go but me against a group was a lost cause, so i caved BIG TIME.
Had a value meal which is still small but so darn greasy and fattening, i wish i hadnt but I guess i can only learn from my stupid mistakes.

Tomorrow I got work early 10.30 am.so I will ATTEMPT to get up early n go on my treadmill lol since now its 1.30am..I will attempt lol.



Good night me , good night you.

you don't have to eat just because you're there!! or just get a water and fruit/yogurt parfair if you must have something, considering it was late at night.

Hi there STOF, I thought I'd post a quick hello after reading through your journal - you're starting age/weight/height is pretty close to where I started, so I know how you feel.

I agree with Shep about not overdoing it in the beginning. I tried many times to just jump in and cut out "all the junk" for a quick fix and it never worked. I'd always find myself overwhelmed, and never see the results I wanted. It wasn't until I committed to a lifestyle change (using baby steps) that I was able to get anywhere. I also had to come to terms with WHY I got to where I was in the first place.

You should check out McDonald's (and any other restaurants you/your friends frequent) website to look at their nutritional values. Then, the next time you're there, you'll be able to make an informed decision.

Anyway, sounds like you're really motivated and on the right track. Keep at it and stay positive!

Shep: I totally agree, I did not have to eat any of their foor, but I caved, I guess I am still learning to say no to myself.

Phatcat: Thanks for reading my journal, appreciate it a lot.
I kinda figure out yesterday that just cutting everything out would be too painful to handel and i'd eventually crack under the pressure. So I am taking it slow.

Ok so here's my day

Had to work almost all day.
I work in a fast food restaurant (which by the way doesn't help a freakin thing) BUT I did it I had a nice breakfast actually I made sure my breakfast was nice and filling
Homemade of course, rice fistfull maybe a little more, and then half a chicken breast which was from a whole chicken baked in the oven. And plenty of water.
It's hard to resist the smell of fries and onion rings and burgers specially being on a diet and trying to cut out that poison. But I promissed myself that I would be strong and that Iwouldnt touch none of it. I drank 3 bottles of water within 6 hours, it helped lessen the cravings for all the grease I was around. By 3 tho I got hungry, and it was a hungry feeling where i was feeling lightheaded and so I had 2 pickle slices and two cucumber slices, it obviously wasnt enough so since our place brought in 100% whole wheat buns I decided that a grilled chicken breast on the grill with that whole wheat bun would not KILL me, I looked up the nutrition guide and it was good, I had it with a thin slice of swiss cheese, and veggie toppings and a squirt of mustard, mayo and ketchup, sorry but I need those or else the chicken sandwich would have been like paper to me and i made sure there was only tiny bits of it.

After that I felt better.
I am home now, and it is 5 I am eating dinner.
I decided i was too tired to make anything, so again I had the rice and the chicken with a dessert of activia fibre yogurt and plenty of water.
My problem is that I dont eat enough veggies, it always has been so my mission now is to include lots of veggies in my diet and less carbs.

I will go and rest and later in the evening I will attempt a mild run on my treadmill while motivating music plays into my ears.
I've been on my feet all day, I think I lost lots of calories while at work and now work doesn't seem such a threat anymore because I've shown myself that I CAN avoid all the crap.
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