I've never had a journal before, but I hope this will help my perspective and attitude throughout my weight loss.

I have learned that I cannot use the word diet to describe my efforts because I have a tendency to freak out and eat everything that is not on my "diet". What I haven’t learned yet is why I self-sabotage.

I know what is good for my body, but I was never able to commit to being healthy. Why?

Am I afraid of failure? Am I just making excuses? Laziness?

At any rate, I have to change my perspective about food. I am a stress-eater. A chocoholic. Food is either a reward for being good or it is a comfort when I’ve been bad. I am now trying to look at food as simply FUEL for my body. I have to try to remove feelings being associated with food. That is probably going to be my hardest task.

I know that if I put water into the gas tank of a sports car, it wouldn’t run properly. Just like if I fill my body with junk, it will damage my body as well. (My husband would be so proud that I used a car analogy.)

So I have started using the word choose. I know that everyday I make choices about what to eat. I am trying to choose foods that would be better fuel for my body. I also know that if I choose not to eat the chocolate bar today, it is still there tomorrow (if I have to have it).

Today’s challenge for myself – Choose not to eat the cake in kitchen!

I'll let you know how I do.

Just wanted to welcome you to the group! Everyone here is wonderful and so supportive, I know your gonna do great! We have several challenges going on right now why dont you look them over and see if that is something you would be interested in! If you have any questions let me know!!

We seem to have the same reactions to food and eating. I'm also trying to look at this as healthy choices because, like you, as soon as I use the work diet, I feel deprived and then I end up defeating myself. You'll find so much support and motivation on this site. Good luck and I'm here if you ever need to talk!

I have similar experiences with food, especaily the chocolate reward/comfort thing. You sound like you have a great attitude and have already learnt some important things like making good choices. I know you will do great.

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome. Everyone on this site seems very friendly and supportive – just what I need.

Until I started writing everything down, I never realized I sought comfort with food. When I would review what I ate though, I noticed that on stressful days I ate a lot more junk, and my calorie intake went through the roof.

I am trying to make more conscious decisions about the food I eat now. I now keep a stock of Healthy Choice dinners in my freezer for when I’m tired and want something quick and easy (so I don’t go to the drive-thru).

At work, I had to change my route to the break-room. There are a few people at my office that keep candy out constantly. It was almost an unconscious act to grab a piece of candy on my way to get more ice or water. I also keep a Brita pitcher filled with water at my desk so I have no excuse about water.

I’m proud to say that I didn’t have any of the cake left in the kitchen. In fact, I threw the rest away.

My daily calorie goal for now is 1700 calories per day. I’m starting with 20 – 30 minutes of cardio 4 – 5 days a week. Soon I’ll add in strength training. I’ve found a pretty neat website that got me started. It gives me a daily menu (as a suggestion) within my calorie range, and then I record what I’ve actually eaten. It also plans workouts for you – cardio and strength training, and it tracks my weight and measurements too.

I almost forgot to mention that I was ambitious yesterday, and I attended a step aerobics class at my gym. It was a great workout. The class totally kicked my butt, which is just what I needed.

However, I didn’t enjoy being the fat girl in class. It was a very strange sensation. I didn’t realize just how big I was until I saw myself in all those mirrors with all the skinny people around me. Before I gained all this weight, I went to aerobics regularly. In fact, I was the skinny girl in class.

I felt like I had to prove something to those women. It was almost like I had to prove that I was worthy of being in that class. My brain (and my competitive nature) wanted to keep up with everyone else, but my body just couldn’t do it. That was quite frustrating.

I have decided that I am going back to aerobics, and I will make it through those classes. I simply have to.

I am going to try to get into the challenge for this week. It should be just the motivation I need to get to the gym this week.

Just an update.

Monday, I went to another aerobics class, and again I was the biggest person there.

I didn’t look in the mirror very often b/c I don’t enjoy watching my fat jiggle. Sometimes when I look in the mirror I don’t even recognize myself. I think, “Who is the fat girl?” I know I’m still in there somewhere, and I know I’ll find myself again, but it’s hard.

Oh well, I worked my butt off at the class, and I’m glad I went.

Tuesday, I made my free day. I love McDonalds French fries so I had some, but I built that into my daily calorie intake. On the upside, I also had a black bean burger, which was yummy (surprising ).

I’m still not taking in enough water, but I’m trying harder today. I’ve had 32oz so far, and I’ll let you know how I do.

Today, I’ll going to go to a Step Interval class. I’ve noticed that when I’m in the class I work much harder than when I’m working out on my own. So that is a definitely an upside.

I know exactly how it feels to be the "fat girl" at the gym and to have to stare at yourself in mirrors everywhere. It makes me feel worse about myself even though I should be feeling good for getting out there. The cardio machines at the gym I go to have mirrors behind them (of all places!) and I get so embarrassed because people that are walking by can see my huge butt jiggling as I run!! It's humiliating. Just hang in there though. Pretty soon you won't be the "fat girl" anymore. You're doing so great already! Keep up the great work!!

Cake is the devil!!! Stay away from it!!! lol I just started this whole thing a month ago and so far I think its great. You'll find lots of friends and help here. Don't think of it as a diet. Think of it as a new and BETTER way to eat. Your just teaching yourself a better way to eat is all. Portions, portions, portions girl. Try the South Beach Diet Protien Cereal Bars. There really good and they have CHOC!!! They help to keep you fuller longer so that you can stay away from the cake. The best part, they taste great. Trust me. I'm the pickiest eater EVER!!!! keep it up girl!!!!

Okay - I'm trying to keep myself on the right path here so I've joined a charity walk for this weekend. It's a three mile walk so that will be great exercise for Saturday, but I've also raised money for the cause.

The not so great part is that I didn't work-out Wednesday or Thursday so I really do need to step it up if I want to be in the 100's by June.

I realize I didn't gain weight overnight, but I also know that it wasn't hard to put the weight on. It is just so exhausting to have to work your butt off to see the smallest progress.

I just try to remember that I'm doing this so I'll be healthy and fit for the rest of my life.

So I participated in the MS Walk yesterday. It felt great to raise money to help the cause. Since my Dad has MS, I know how debilitating the disease can be. It was a three mile walk so I also got my exercise in for the day.

However, I have been overeating all weekend. I’ve eaten out both Friday and Saturday night. Now I’m having eaters’ remorse since I weighed myself this morning and that .5 lbs that I lost during the week is back.

Also, I just found out that my only Grandma still alive was just diagnosed with congestive heart failure. This should definitely be my wake-up call to take better care of myself.

There is a park close to my house that has a .4 mile walk/jog trail. Currently, I can’t jog longer than like 20 seconds so I’m going to set a goal to be able to jog one lap by April 30th. I know it doesn’t seem like much, but that would be a huge accomplishment for me.

Eventually, I would like to have a workout schedule where I jog for 30m in the morning, do 30m of strength training on my lunch hour, and then an aerobics class in the evening. However, I know that it will take time to build up to that, but I know I can do it because I used to workout for 2 hours a day before. Once upon a time ago, I really enjoyed working out. Today, not so much because it’s uncomfortable with all the weight.

Today’s Challenge: Walk/Jog 2 miles at the park.

STAY FAR AWAY FROM CAKE lol just thought i'd get that out agian. Good luck to ya

Sorry to hear about your grandma. But don't EVER think of using this as an excuse not keep up with your weight control program. As much as you love your grandma, She would hate it if she stood in the way of you not meeting your goals. Don't put that guilt on her, now of all times.

When you go beyond yourself, Its an accomplishment. Don't be little by saying its only .4 of a mile when your not (or were not) doing anything even close to that. I hope you make it and will let us know. Right now, while trying to build up my run times, and being my big ol' lovable and jolly self, I have to be aware of stress fractures and shin splints. But as someone who use to work out multiple times a day I am sure you know about them. Just don't let them creep up on you.



When It comes to joggin' I have a philosophy... Shuffle,shuffle,shuffle!

Thanks everyone for checking up on me. Don't worry I haven't had any cake since before my first post.

You're totally right, my grandmother's diagnosis should never be an excuse. I actually meant that my grandma's condition is even more of a motivator so that I can help prevent that from happening to me.

I have had shin splints in the past and it is painful. I have found a few stretches that help so I'm making sure that I'm stretching out after every workout, and that I'm wearing good shoes.

Yesterday, I ran (as much as I could) then walked until I recovered my breath for 1.6 miles. Pretty darn good for me.

Today during lunch, I walked to the Y near my office (I'm trying to add in exercise where I can), and learned about the weights/strength equipment that they have available. I'm going to start working in the strength training during my lunch break.

I have a coworker who is also trying to lose weight so we are keeping tabs on one another at work. It's very helpful knowing that she'll come over to see what I've been snacking on. She's part of my accountability at work, and when things get stressful, I'm so glad she's there.

You Are Doing Awsome Bella And Having A Partner Is So Helpful And It Wont Be Long And You Will Be In The Onederfuls! Keep Up The Great Work!!