Hi Annie.

I relate to what you are saying about the self-sabotage and the obsessions with food and eating. I think it was my childhood and getting bullied in school that really messed me up, but that was so long ago, I feel like I need to come to terms with it and deal with it. I sometimes consider seeing a counsellor, I have a number in my phone of a woman who lives near that I might go and see, but part of me wants to do this by myself, do you know what I mean? I'm not allowing myself to delete her number until I feel 100% better, and if things don't start moving on soon, I will definitely contact her.

Anyway, I agree with whoever mentioned that you should ask your parents not to buy things like doughnuts anymore. If you tell them you're really serious about losing weight, they'll definitely stop buying it, or at least stop offering bad food to you.

Good luck with your journey!

Hey thanks guys. Good News: I got a 103% on my Developmental Psych test!! So yeah, pretty happy about that. I should be studying for my ethics test right now but I can't really focus... I have ethics Tuesday. I need to read for developmental psychology class so I know what's going on when we go over the chapter tonight. Haha. That 70's Show is on. I forgot how funny it was. :P

I have to go get a shower then actually get some work done.

Annie

Way to go Annie! I knew you were still keeping up with your awesome school work!

Where have you been lady??? Hope your doing well

Hello hello! I'm doing okay, thanks! I've been slowly creeping back up to my starting weight.... I think I'll die if I see 230 again. SO... I'm counting.... AGAIN.
I've decided to be proactive about my mindset, to forgive myself and not let shit get me down. I forgive myself for not walking away, for not saying something. It wasn't my fault, and I shouldn't let that pathetic turd of a man ruin my life. I don't need therapy to tell me I'm okay, I shouldn't be so insecure about everything. I will change my life, I WILL do everything I've always wanted to do, lose weight, buy flattering clothes, be flirted with. I can't let my past get the better of me. I need to work on MYSELF, steadily and progressively, and not let anything get in my way.

I can't keep having these revelations and epiphanies and then falling asleep and waking up exactly the way I was before. I HAVE TO DO THIS.

Any tips on continuing motivation? I was thinking maybe writing notes to myself at night ... but I don't know.
-------

EDIT:SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT.... I should NEVER GO ANYWHERE with my sister. She makes me make bad decisions with food and money. I bought Nilla wafers and scarfed down 2 servings.

Okay. I'll hype myself up tomorrow. I need to find some songs that help me get determined, I heard Rhianna on my sister's radio today and I was like, this song gets me in some sort of mood that makes it easier to think clearly.

Blah, it's the weekend. We eat out all weekend. I seriously had all 3 meals out today. McDonald's for breakfast (3 pancakes) then a steak and cheese sub with french fries for lunch, then 3 cheese tortellini in alfredo sauce for dinner. But seriously though, I eat out EVERY SINGLE day. I want so badly to be healthy, but I'm so addicted to it, I get upset when I don't get it.... I get anxious and crabby.... God. I want to stop, but in a perverse way I really don't.
If someone could hook me up with some healthy, tasty recipes, I would REALLY appreciate it.

<3 Annie

SECOND EDIT: Just wanted to share that I got a PRODIGIOUS 97% on my Ethics test! Oh, and I'm doing really well in math too (96%, 100%, 100%) on assignments and tests!

I'm loving the positive self talk! Your always good at finding reasons and motivation from within on why you want to lose weight for yourself. You always want to accomplish goals for yourself, and I think thats super important. My boyfriend even told me this weekend that I should want to lose weight for myself and not for anything or anyone else.

Also, I can relate to the bad influences on the food eating thing. My friends in highschool when we used to hang out would always just buy a shit ton of junk food and just scarf out so it was like when we were together we were all enablers of eachother. And now we all realize that what we did was kind of gross and unhealthy and now we all have learned to make better decisions when we're together. You just have to keep your mental drive when your with her so that you can keep to your eating plans

Eating out isnt necessarily bad, you were still eating out when you lost weight werent you? Just start making some better choices. Everything in moderation is the key, and keep up the good work in class!

See you later

True. I guess it was just because I counted calories... I decided last night to start planning what I'm going to eat for breakfast and lunch the night before, and I think that will help. That and staying up in my newly cleaned out room, away for the shitload of junk food downstairs.
I appreciate you stopping by. I need to stop by yours to return the favor!! Off I go!

I'm doing it. I've been eating 1200-1600 calories a day for the past 4-5 days... and I'm not burning out. I want this so bad. I've done it before and I'm doing it again, and this time no regression. I'm not sure what I should use as my start weight... I weighed in at 212 the first couple times, the same routine, wake up, potty, clothes off, scale, but now I'm at 205.5.... but it's only been about a week. I'm not sure if I should start counting at 212 or 206, because I weighed in solidly for 3 days at 212, but it seems like so much in such a short time that I don't really trust it. I vaguely remember this sort of thing when I first started losing weight this time, so maybe I should go ahead and use 212. *rolls eyes* I was so sure I'd never lose the weight again, and here I am debating if 6 lbs counts. Of course it counts.

I'm proud of myself. I've proven to myself that I can make smart choices and stay under budget. For instance: Today I had an extra cheesy pizza lunchables, 1/2 can of steak and potato soup, and some cheddar and sour cream chips. THEN I went out to eat at a Chinese restaurant, but I shared a plate of chicken lo mein with my mom and had a bowl of egg drop soup and some white rice (probably about a cup). I thought I was in the clear. But my sister won a bet with my parents (apparently there IS a movie called Reservation road. We all swore it was Revolution Road. BUT she named the cast in the bet and it's an HBO movie... who knew?) and her prize was going to maggie moo's. So naturally when we pull up, I get out too to have a look at the sorbet. Well, I end up getting a kid's size cake batter ice cream with 2 mini twix bars mixed in (just a note- twix doesn't work too well mixed in with ice cream. the caramel gets hard and actually crunches when you bite into it. It wasn't awesome.) Anyway, I thought I had totally blown it because I had no idea how many calories were in that ice cream. When I got home, I checked on the computer and found the ice cream was only about 180 cal and the twix was only like 75. Phew. Disaster averted.

I'm rather pleased with myself. I have that feeling, that will, that this is going to be it. I'm doing this once and for all. I recognize it from before, but it's stronger, more dominant. Back then, I would have said screw it and gotten a large ice cream (which is like 3 times as big... with 3 times as many mix ins and 6 times as many calories.) because I thought I was going to bomb it anyway. NOPE. Not this time. No wavering, I indulge when I need to but no milkshakes or milky ways, the occasional ice cream, frequent popsicles (35 cal?! WHATTTTT?!! )

Oh... and NO CAFFEINE. Well, not when I can avoid it. I do pretty well most of the week, but there are times (like tonight) when it's just unavoidable...The restaurant's water is seriously gross (it ALWAYS tastes like dishwater... ) and they don't have ANY caffeine free drinks. *sigh* so I'm guessing I'm going to be up most of the night. I only had one glass, but the lithium I take reacts to it and makes it like a billion times more potent.... Oh well. I just hope I'm not so goddamn tired tomorrow. Today I was SOOOOO tired, even though I went to sleep at 9:00PM last night. Seriously, I sat down on the couch to watch some tv and suddenly I wake up and it's 5 hours later. Really.

Wow... I'd better go to bed. Reading over this, I think it's the caffeine that's making me so talkative. Or maybe I'm just like this. At any rate, anyone who read this whole thing is my hero. Off to bed.


<3




---------------------------------------
EDIT: I got a 100% on my psych test and a 100% on my math test. I'm just waiting for my ethics test grade... *bites fingernails anxiously*

Hi Annie! First time in here. I love what I've read so far. You have great energy. I spite of some things that obviously ad some adversity to your life you seem to have a pretty solid positive spin.

I'll be a regular guest if you don't mind.

Yay!! Muchas Gracias! I don't actually know if that's spelled right haha.

Bad news... Franklin died. :'( He was my smallest hermit crab and he was so sweet but he tried to surface molt and he didn't survive it. That topped with the extreme stress from the place where I got him at the beach (horrible living conditions!! Dead crabs everywhere, no food, no water... I HAD to rescue him) I'm sad, but I'm comforted by the fact that he lived his last few months in a great habitat. I kind of feel responsible... He was my mom's and I feel like I killed him. I accidentally dug him up when I was replacing the substrate and he never went back down.

RIP Franklin!! You are gone, but not forgotten.

<3

Hi Hun, sorry about the crab

Glad you don't mind me popping in though.

I'll be back...

I am so fucking sick and tired of my sister's bitchy bullshit. SHUT THEM UP PLEASE.... FUCKING HELL.
I get so upset listening to her scream and cry at my mom because my mom isn't "providing" enough for her. She's 22. "You said you'd give me gas money and blah blah blah and you never have any food in the house BOO FRICKIN HOO and I'm trying to save up money and how can I save money if I have to pay for gas and food Wahwahwah."

Jesus.

Ha... I really get in some bad moods sometimes... I hate when people yell at each other.

I boiled a terra cotta pot for a hidey place to put in the crabs' tank... I think at least one of them will like it. Eleanor always stays over on the warm side, where the new pot is, so I hope she likes it. Did I tell you guys that I'm saving up for a 90 gallon tank for the crabs? It'll be about $250, and I'll look around to see if I can find anything bigger and cheaper on craigslist when I get the money together. I'm really excited!!

I'm working on eating at home more, I made pot roast for the family yesterday.

<3 That's all I have right now! Thanks for reading!!

Lily,

Today was the first time in your thread. I want to say congratulations on staying focused and determined. Keep up the great work and I will do my best to stop by every once in a while to say hi. GREAT JOB!

p.s. If that is you in your avatar, you have a beautiful smile.

Hi sweetie!

I have a daughter about that age too and yeah we get into some knock down drag outs too sometimes. We always figure it out eventually though.

I'm sure my other daughter doesn't like to hear it either.