Week 3 - 11/10

I'm pretty much back on track again now. I can't control everything that might happen in life but I do know that I have to protect myself from myself at times. When things fall in a heap for me I tend to punish myself twice. The binge eating continued right up to two nights ago until I realised it wasn't making me feel bad anymore - I was just living in a funk full time and it was all down. I was deliberately wallowing in a mix of self-induced fear and pain.

So I'm back on my meds and my vitamins and focussed on the right foods and correct amounts. I have started losing weight again and think I might cut back to 3 week weigh ins because I am already thinking that 4 weeks encourages me to have one bad week out of each month as some kind of excuse and then I get another week to make good. I am not going to learn anything permanent if I keep thinking like that.

I've been reading the Cohen's thread again and I know it helps shift any negative stuff in my head. Being overweight is an incredibly emotional and disabling state that no-one can help us with but ourselves. The support and encouragement people are giving each other through this site is priceless. Sometimes all you need is to see someone else's success to drive you to your own.

Oh and I think my Guardian Angel is sitting off to the side watching me again. It feels good to have her around. (I sound like a mad woman don't I?)

BB
xxx

Yes get back on yr feet and dare to make a difference. Be bold and courageous. We're here for each other. Hope to see u more often!

Thank you PinkyDolly! It is the people like you on this site that make me want to be here!

Week 3 - 12/10

Wouldn't normally post today knowing that it becomes week 4 tomorrow and I will weigh myself and want to refer to it etc, but I am feeling SOOOOOO much better today I need to mention it.

Today life feels totally back to normal and in control again. I looked at my arse in the mirror this morn and could see it was shrinking. My belly was the first to start so I noticed it in my skirts and pants initially, now the bum and thighs of everthing are less strained and my boobs don't seem to be wanting to explode from all my tops! Feels good.

So some things I need to remind myself so I can do well at this:

1. Keep taking your meds every single day and don't let yourself run out!
2. Take my multi-vitamin every day - not just during the week!
3. First drinking option is water. If coffee and soft drink reduce my desire for water then they become treats and not part of my daily intake.
4. Eat all my crispbreads during the day, particularly when I am out and about.
5. DO NOT eat dinner later than 8pm!!!!!! (Otherwise it is hard to sleep.)
6. Shop for fresh vegies several times each week - the floppy stuff doesn't taste good and may tempt me to eat other things!
7. Make the weekends less boring/tempting by saving top shelf food for those times - mangoes, prawns, etc.
8. Develop some fave meals for when I am in a rush and experiment more on the weekends for some variety.
9. When things feel a bit hard get onto the Cohen's thread and read about how other people are coping.
10. Don't go to the supermarket if I am feeling weak or down as I will be tempted. Instead go to fruit and veg market or butchers only.
10. Don't lose faith in yourself - you can and will do this.

BB
xxx

Week 4 - 20/10

Today was supposed to be blood test and weigh in day but I got around to neither. Grrrrr. The project I am working in hit a peak today and I just went from one crisis meeting to another. The most I have been able to sneak in food wise is some sugar free gum! I am starving! I will try to sort out my blood test and weigh in tomorrow morning. I do have a hair appoint then but if I have to change it I will as this is more important.

Weigh in wise I have lost 6kg (based on my scales and me nude!) in the first month. I could have done better but had the ED issues then the friends' deaths issues and last weekend I had a house full of smokers and drinkers and eaters. I did my best I swear but some meals were just a lost cause. How can you not eat pizza when that is all the house smells of?

For the second month though I am feeling very positive. All my original issues around the diet have settled and it is very easy to follow the plan and shop and cook etc - all things that were completely foreign to me previously!

And I am feeling very content/happy within myself which I am also attributing to the diet and weight loss.

Everything is rosy going in to week five/month two - I have no regrets and lots to look forward to!

BB
xxx

Week 5 - 23/10

It is now Monday but I haven't had 5 mins to organise my blood test and weigh in. Hopefully I will have time to do both tomorrow morning.

I was at a work function all day today and only had gourmet food options. I ate some bread but took the meat and salad off the rest. The bread made me feel very full. Whats worse though was that being in the city near all the scrummy food I succumbed. I bought 2 BBQ pork buns and ate one in the car on the trip home. The other is in the fridge - I'm no longer hungry. And I feel kind of dumpy after the bread today - doesn't take much these days to really notice the effect of what you put in your body.

On the positive side I saw several people in town who haven't seen me in 3 months, since I left my city job. They all noticed I'd lost weight so it must be noticeable. Mostly in my butt I think - YAY!

Must get fully back on the horse and stop thinking a little cheating is ok because it's not!

BB
xxx

you got it, cheating is not something you should allow for!! I know, because it usually snowballs into a week of unhealthy eating for me! but, keep up the positive attitude and you will start to see results!

Week 6 29/10

I am right back to square one again - where to start....

First it was having the blood test - major stress outbut had that on the Tuesday (4 days after it was due), then I was at another work function with much more senior staff than me and I was too embarrassed to ask for a special lunch or to even use my hermasetas in my coffee! And then there were the lollies at the table etc. My body was all over the shop after that.

I also let myself run out of food in the house and I used that as an excuse to get take-away on and off for the rest of the week. I was so stressed about weighing in I left work early on Friday and went to bed. Then I went out and bought 4 large blocks of chocolate. I finished the last block today (Monday) and didn't consume anything but chocolate and winter (in between mega sleep sessions!) all weekend. Of course I am totally feeling like crap because of it and didn't go to work today either. My head is all over the shop and I am seriously thinking of taking some time off work for the rest of the week to clear my head.

I did weigh in last Saturday (a week late) and had lost 6.4 kg's in the 5 weeks even with all the ups and downs I had. I must've been the only person they've ever had who was so upset about losing weight! I was hyperventilating!

There are things I need to really work through in my head at the moment. Things are so muddled I don't even know where to start. The sabotage and fear are overwhelming and on the flip side I keep weighing myself and trying on old clothes to assess how my weightloss is going despite what I keep doing to stop it!

I know that I'm not stopping so I just have to find a way of working through this until it isn't so scary.

BB
xxx

Hi Butterflybliss, I'm so sorry to hear that you have had so much difficulty lately.
You haven't posted for a while now and I hope you haven't given up all together. This isn't the easiest of programs to be on, but it is for such a small time in your entire life and it will be soooo worth the effort to see it through and be looking amazing at the end of it. Just think this time is going to pass anyway, why not use it to get yourself on track and give yourself a bit of TLC, (and not with food and chocolate comforters). Struggles do come and go and test our resolve and character, but you CAN do this, you ARE worth it, and you will look and feel so much better for it. I don't know how much you are looking to lose, but all it takes is small steps each day. Don't beat up on yourself for blowing it, just pick yourself up, scrape yourself off and tell yourself that you can do this. Every day tell yourself - I will Not sabotage myself and my future happiness today! I can and will be the person I know I can be. Please don't give up and take care of you!
Best wishes!

Thank you for checking in on me MellyP!

I'm fine but work has been hectic so no time for reflection and diary entries!

I had my second weigh in and it was only low numbers but I was having one of those weeks where my weight had a mind of its own. I have so many clothes that fall off me now that I can feel the difference even if the scale flatlines. It is nice not to be bulging out of everything I own!

And even luckier for me - I seem to be losing the majority of my weight off my thighs and butt first (never had much of a belly anyway). Usually it comes off from my face and heads on downwards, with the thighs being the absolute last place to reduce.

My younger sister has been a gym junkie for a couple of years but her weight has stuck at like a size 12 (underneath it all we are both only little size 8's - small boned). Anyway she has read my Cohen's manual and thinks she might sign up too since it is working for me - dispite my ups and downs!

I haven't been perfect with my food but next week it is looking very good for me to refocus again and kick things up a notch. I am also close to booking an OS holiday for April 2007 and think I have decided on something a bit more physical, which will give me a good goal to work towards. I promise myself that I wont be fat when I go overseas next year. I just wont!

BB
xxx