Well I've given a bit of history on how I find myself on this weight loss journey when I did my newbiw post.

Basically I have an eating disorder. In fact I'll have one for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean that I can't have strategies in place to cope with the impact of it.

One of those for me right now is being on Cohen's.

Day 1 today. It nearly didn't happen because I had a fridge full of the wrong food and a very busy week. I was surprised at my commitment to sticking to the plan of today being start day. Late last night I did a quick plan of what to eat today and tomorrow morning and went out and shopped for those specific items. Tomorrow I will clean out the fridge and cupboards (my sister is going to love me!) and do a proper shop for all the things I need.

I was fine after breaky this morning (back to back meetings) and found myself feeling hunger and headaches around 11 (I had crispbread and an apple at 10.30). I took some panadol and drank more water. Then my head started feeling a little fuzzy and my sugar levels started dropping so I've tried to just take it slow at work since then.

It is now 1pm and I can have lunch. YAY! Then another meeting and I may just head home early I think to embrace the detoxing that I'm obviously going into.

Instead of feeling crabby about this I feel kind of wierd. I can't tell you the last time I really felt true hunger. I've been so out of touch with my body for so long it is an odd sensation to rediscover.

I know how you feel there. I was actually happy to feel real hunger, I rarely let myself get to the point of hunger, always eating before that could happen. Now before I eat, I ask myself am I really hungery or is there another reason I'm reaching for that bite of food.

Keep up the good work!

Well today has been 'interesting'!

My best friend rang me this morn. She's done Sureslim and is now trying Dr Fergusen's diet shake thingies. She is her own worst enemy but I love her! Apparently she's been detoxing all week - hence the scary emails at work, but since she is always on one diet or another she decided not to mention it so I got the warm fuzzies this time around. I should mention that she is not really overweight on the outside and that our other best friends are all teeny tiny things who lose weight at the first indicator of stress or a missed meal, yet we support each other in how we feel about our bodies regardless. You girls are priceless.

So my friend was laughing at me because I couldn't speak properly - I have total brain fog and one of those headaches behind my eyes where every sound you hear bounces inside your brain. I keep telling myself that this simply means it's working!

Eating today while feeling like this was hard - no hunger at all today. I didn't have breakfast till 9.30am because my parents came over and decided to move some of my furniture (what the?). Then I flopped back to bed and forced myself to get up at 2.30 to eat again. Now I will force myself to have a shower and go and get some groceries in case tomorrow is worse! It wont be a big shop but it will see me through and that's all that matters right now.

And I have weighed myself about 5 times already. Don't know what that's about? Maybe to reinforce that I am doing the right thing?

Overall I am having NO problems with the food - size or type. The simpler the better for me. And despite lethargy and ongoing headache I feel lighter within myself - probably because of the fresh food that is inside me rather than stodgy greasy stuff?

BB

hi good luck and make a plan you sond like your in the right mind set but, please dont weigh yourself more then 1 or 2 times a week weights taken too close together is meaningless. and seeing "real" results onece a week is very satisfying.

Hi Butterfly Bliss, Congratulations on starting the Cohen's Lifestyle! I start my program on Monday and I can't wait. I have been weighing and packaging up all my meat for the week today and freezing it, so I am raring to go!
Have you checked out the Cohen's support throead?? It is really really great and there is alot of stuff there that can help you out and give you great idea's, plus everyone is in the same boat, there are some amazing success stories too and loads of support. Check it out! You will find it under the weight loss programs area and then it is the most popular thread at the top of the page - Cohen's Support. See you there.

Thanks everybody for your support and advice!

Ape I know weighing myself isn't practical but I think that will only happen until I come to terms fully with what I'm doing. Scales really mean nothing but they can give either a quick fix or a quick shot to the heart!

MellyP - the Cohen's support thread is exactly why I joined this website - very helpful and inspiring!

Day 3 - 24/9

Well it has been a total crap day. It started when I couldn't eat breakfast - just couldn't get anything past these lips! So I went back to bed in disgust with myself. I had a lot of fear - of what exactly I don't know - I couldn't get to the root of it.

I managed to get up and eat at 12.30 then totally stuffed up my evening meal - not enough protein and too much veg - my head was all over the shop with it!

So even though I've felt better physically today my brain has been in sabotage mode. Bound to happen at some stage.

So only 2 meals today and half of everything else I should've eaten or drunk.

Tomorrow is another day and I'll be doing my best again.

BB
xxx

Day 5 - 26/09

Missed Day 4! Yesterday was a very good day - totally back on track - no hiccups! I had 4 back to back meetings and still managed to eat what I should when I should. Pats on the back for me!

So Day 5. Enjoying the meals to be honest but still struggling to eat everything available to me throughout the day because I get busy or am just not hungry. I'm getting close to my first week check in so I'll raise it with my Cohen's support person. She can give me the tech speak on what this means to my weight loss.

Not weighing myself much now - just at night after dinner for some reason!

I'm feeling pretty healthy but am not sleeping very soundly and dreaming lots of wierd stuff! Maybe I don't need all the sleep I'm used to having? I'm certainly not having much in the way of caffeine hits and still feel alright so????

Gee, I don't sound very excited do I! It's just that this is all happening easily at the moment and my life is busy and I haven't used that as an excuse which is new for me!

I've been thinking about rice a lot too. Go figure!

BB
xxx

Howdy! I've learned that I wasn't hungry either, before my diet I would only eat one meal a day, so even if I'm not hungry I make a concous effort to eat my snacks ect about every 3 hours...now if I don't get my snack in I can tell, eating through out the day keeps your metabolism up. Also with your sleeping, with me I make a bed time for myself.. I am in bed by 11pm and I wake up at 7am no matter what I have to do for the day, this way I get a full 8 hours of sleep and I'm not rushed in the morning to get ready, pack my food for the day,books for class, meetings, or work. I used to get up only 30 minutes before I had to be somewhere and I feel my whole day goes alot better if I can just leisurly walk around the house and get my stuff done in the morning that I need to.... trust me I'm busy like you...I work full time, got to school full time, Im a Mary Kay consultant and I'm president of the Culinary Arts club...lots of work lol Well I'm rambling so have a good day and get some rest....hope I helped alittle

ChefAshley I so wish I could be disciplined like you to go to bed and get up at a set time everyday. It is one of my weak areas - I love my sleep! I've slept whole weekends away! God knows what I'll be like when I get old! I do agree with you though about not rushing in the mornings, especially since I'm not a morning girl.

Day 6 - 27/09

The weight is definately coming off. I'm wearing pants today that had started to become a little snug. They fit fine now. One of the benefits of weight loss - fitting back in to old clothes before that become out of fashion!

I emailed my consultant to check whether the crackers were compulsory or an extra so I know whether to worry or not. I also realised that it is hard to make sure you have enough of each protein in the house (and defrosted!). I find myself always a little short on the meats/fish I want to cook. How do you get around that without wasting some at some stage? Maybe I just have to keep a little container of odds and ends on hand????? I'm not yet organised enough to know what I will have for every meal so I guess if I aim for the maximimum of each then at the worst I am only wasting 5 - 10 grams of something?

I have also noticed that I am expending a great deal of mental energy on planning and shopping and weighing and chopping and cooking. I find myself quite drained by the time it comes to preparing my evening meal. Hopefully down the track it will become easier. This is all part of re-educating my poor brain around food.

Feeling pretty positive all round. This has certainly been easier than I was anticipating....

BB
xxx

Is Cohen's something you can live with forever, or is it a short term diet plan for getting the weight off quickly?

Good luck with your weight loss journey.

M2M it is a strange thing but not only am I enjoying my meals on Cohen's but I am not hungry and apart from thinking about rice don't miss any of what I used to eat! And I don't get sugar crashes throughout the day, or the sniffles and have had NO cravings. I also feel lighter within myself if that makes any sense? Like my insides are cleaner.

I don't think it is designed to be a rest of your life eating plan but I do know now that I can eat a lot smaller meals without feeling hungry (if I eat the right things for me). Also I think I could be allergic to something in my usual diet so when the re-feed happens I'll be able to identify what it is and avoid it.

I have absolutely no regrets about choosing Cohen's. NONE!

Day 9 - 29/09

I weighed myself this morning and I am down 3kg. Pretty blinking good! I doubt that will be sustainable over coming weeks, but I know I still have to put more effort in to some aspects of my eating plan. Today for example I didn't eat lunch till 4.30pm. Dinner tonight when?????

At the moment my life is a run of meetings and eating in the car while I drive there. At least I am managing the food side of things (I often take it with me in an esky bag) so just have to match up the eating side! It would be very easy to say stuff it and just buy something quick to eat but I haven't been remotely tempted yet. I'm sort of proud of myself for that! And I still have yummy stuff in the cupboard and fridge that my sister didn't come and pick up but I haven't even given it a second look. Figure I may just toss it all in the bin this weekend.

I'm keen to see how I go during week 2......

BB
xxx

Day 11? 01/10

I haven't had any probs eating all my meals this weekend or grocery shopping. And lots of energy and no sleeping the day away. Total turn around from last weekend. It all feels so normal right now.

I do have to own up to not eating dinner on Friday night because I didn't have time for lunch till 4.30. I'm going to have to see if I can change some meetings around so I can avoid this in the future. I guess that's how important this is to me right now. The really bad thing was I ate chocolate as a replacement for dinner. I was only moderately hungry and it was still in the fridge and I think I did it to test myself. It wasn't a lot and it didn't even taste as good as I remember it. Back on the bike straight away so I'm not going to beat myself up over it as it was a combo of the day. I also got rid of all the stuff I shouldn't eat today including alcohol. Took it all ove to my parent's house - dad will be having a few beers tonight while watching the footy I suspect!

Today I went through my wardrobe. First it was about putting away the winter gear and bringing out what might still fit from last years summer gear. Shoes are just about it! Knowing I will not be this size next winter I didn't even keep the clothes - they are all waiting to go to the op shop. I also pulled out the summer clothes that will fit again as I lose some weight and have put them to the side as an incentive. Then I went to do some hemming and had to take the waist in on the skirts and pants so I guess the weight loss is really happening! It's more of a guide to me than the scales.

Also today (told you I wasn't tired!) I went grocery shopping. In the supermarket I saw a woman who I know from ED groups. I last saw her about 2 years ago wasting away and abusing a Weight Watchers person for refusing her entry to the meeting. She has always been anorexic in the fifteen or so years I have known her (she used to go to the same gym as me during my excessive exercising years) but today she looked like Gwyneth Paltrow in her Shallow Hal fat suit. If it wasn't for her mother being with her I never would have realised it was her. Totally swollen out of all proportion. She was very aggressive in the supermarket (she often is when I've seen her). I felt very sorry for her because obviously things are totally out of control for her still. Some make it and some don't. Next weekend is the anniversary of a good friend of mine who is in the latter category. I'll talk about her more then,

Here's to another good week!

BB
xxx

Week 2 - 04/10

Not sure how many days I'm on now so we'll switch to weeks.

Well, things went off the rails yesterday big time. Yesterday arvo I found out totally by accident that a friend of mine had passed away and that his funeral was on today. At first I just flogged myself at work blocking it out, then I came home and couldn't focus on my dinner. I left it till I was absolutely starving and heated up a pasta dinner from my freezer, then defrosted some old bread I found and ate a peanut butter sandwich, then I had a choc chip muesli bar in one hand and a defrosted choc muffin in the other. I would've kept going if there was more to eat. I was feeling angry and wanted to feel physical pain.

Today I went to the funeral - my first one for an Indigenous person. There were several hundred people there from around the country. T had done a video message as the eulogy - he pretty much talked about his entire life. It filled in a lot of the gaps I didn't know. One thing that was news to me was that Cathy Freeman was related to him (probably by blood) and she and reps from her family attended and paid tribute to him. No one bothered her - couldn't imagine that at a non-Indigenous funeral.

I got to catch up with lots of people I haven't seen for a while and despite being one of only a handful of non-Indigenous people there I felt very at home. I'm glad I went and I will miss him but his stories will live on in my memory. He was a lovely old soul and lots of us were better for knowing him.

As far as eating goes though it was very difficult to get up this morn and eat but I did. I went straight back to my eating plan. I didn't go back to work after the funeral because I knew I couldn't do both today. For that I have to give myself another pat on the back because I submitted to the pain while I needed to and moved on. All I can do is my best.

I'm enjoying having this diary to discuss my ups and downs on. It makes it easier.

BB
xxx

I'm very sorry to hear about your friend! Death tends to send me on a bender when it comes to food also so I know how you feel. I gained weight after my friend died at 22 of cardiomyopathy and then my grandfather passed away and I gained more weight, and my grandmother passed away recently and I made the conscious decision to not do the same thing.

I lived about an hour away from you for 5 years and will be back on the coast in 3 weeks!!

Diaries are a really good way to keep yourself open and having support.

* Hugs *

~ Sara Maria ~

Thank you Saramaria - it has been a very hard week for me and I'm working my way through the tail end of it now.

Week 3 - 08/10

Yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of my friend's murder. She is someone I went through treatment with for my ED so losing her under such tragic circumstances is something I still can't put into perspective. Losing T around the same time was more than my little brain could take really.

I spent all weekend either eating whatever crap I still had left in the house or sleeping. I have been eating to the point of pain - I have actually wanted to feel my body suffering. Knowing that has not made me able to stop. Unfortunately I also ran out of meds several days back so tomorrow I am going to try my damndest to get back on track - medication, eating, the whole lot. I wish I didn't treat myself like then when something I can't cope with happens but sadly that is the crutch that I live with. Anything good has to go. One scary thing for me was that I got VERY close to vomiting over the weekend. The things I was eating were totally foreign to my body already and I wanted rid of them but I know that forced vomiting would start me down a path it would be very difficult to return from.

What has helped me tonight is reading the Cohen's thread and watching 'Super Size Me' which just happens to be on tv tonight. I feel very teary just thinking that I don't want to be missing inside all this fat anymore. I want to be free from all the anguish my lack of control over my weight gives me. I want to leave the suffering and punishment behind me where it belongs. I want to give this my best shot. If my guardian angel is still out there please come back! I am going to need you by my side for this journey to guide what's in my best interests when I can't do it myself.

Here's to a much better week this week.

BB
xxx