A Journey of Self-Acceptance and Empowerment

When I started this final weight loss journey into a healthy lifestyle, I never dreamed that it would have such an emotional outcome. Sure, I hated the way I looked... I knew I was weak and I let my size intimidate me a lot. Even when there were activities that I could have easily done, I would sit on the sidelines because of how I might look to others. "Pffft, that fat girl's trying to ride a horse?? That fat girl will sink the canoe. That fat girl can't possibly get the safety belt around her... what does she think she's doing on a go-cart?"

Now, I know in my realisitic mind that none of these things were ever thought or said about me (and if they were then I feel more sorry for the pathetic losers thinking them than I do about how my clothes fit), but it still kept me from doing the things I loved. I would much rather fade into the background than be the life of the party I was 10yrs ago. Better to be a wallflower than get that attention!

I've been working with my trainer for 9wks now. Sure, the results on the scale are wonderful (22lbs gone) and my shrinking measurements and clothing size make me giddy (19in GONE... 3 sizes down), but what I'm most aware of if my mental state.

I've put my body through such physical excrutiation (is that even a word?) that I know now that there is really nothing I cannot do. I've become more spontaneous and more adventurous. This is the true me, this is the me that God intended! I feel like my spirit is alive again and I'm unstoppable!

Now, twice a week my trainer, Brian, still seriously kicks my butt and I've felt like I was going to die occasionally... but now that I believe in myself, I can see how much others believe in me... and that gives me such a feeling of power. I can't imagine my life ever not being like this now!

Until next time...
Amy

Congratulations on getting back into the 100's range, I'm sure that you'll reach your goal quickly!

It's good that you've decided to reclaim your life, if you ever need support just drop me a PM or something ^^ I wish you the best of luck as a fellow newbie to the forums (:

Hmmm... so I may very well be nuts. Certifiable, even. I got all pumped up on the adrenaline high from my last post and signed up for the Tulsa Run. I'm only doing the 5k, but I'm sick right now. I train Tuesday & Thursday w/ Brian, then the Run is Saturday. Hopefully I can breathe by then. This dang Oklahoma weather is killing me...

Heays and welcome to the forum! Your plan looks gr8
and you totally are motivated,congrats on 22 lbs gone
so far,keep the hard work and have a gr8 Monday,Tammy

You're not nuts- you'll do fine on that 5k and it's always great to have small upcoming goals! If you're still sick then, just walk the whole thing if you need to. You probably won't feel like you're going to die like you do with your trainer! (Maybe I should meet this guy- I never push myself that hard!)
Congrats on your progress so far, it's awesome!

Arghhhh! The battery in my scale died. I went into Wal-Mart last week to get a new battery, got it home, only to discover I actually needed TWO batteries (watch-like, sold individually). I felt like such a dunce. Anywho, when I bought it, the only one they had was out of the package, but the girl tested it and promised it was a good battery. So, a days later I went and bought a 2nd one for the scale, and now... less than a week later, my scale is saying "Lo" which I'm assuming means "Low Battery". <insert eye-rolling smiley here>

Guess I'll take them both in and have them tested to exchange the bad one. Or shoot, it's only $3.77 with tax, maybe I'll just buy another one to avoid the whole, "fat chick broke her scale and is blaming it on the battery" looks I might get from the salesgirl.

Thanks to everyone who responded, I look forward to getting to know people here.

I really don't know what is wrong with me some days! I do SO well with my eating and then I just completely sabotage myself for no reason. It's not like I'm eating stuff that's bad for me even... I just want to eat everything! Maybe I have some sort of protein deficiency. Or maybe I'm just hungrier on some days than on others... who knows.

I got a call from the gym this morning that my trainer wasn't going to be able to meet with me today. Apparently he had a "basketball accident" that ended him in the emergency room late last night and he was still there as of 7:30 this morning. My training wasn't until 10am, but they said he'd have to call me to reschedule. This worries me... before I started working with him, I would have thought this wouldn't be a big deal, but now I know better. I need him to show me proper form and he normally demonstrates every exercise before I do it. A lot of times he'll do it right there with me. I'm afraid I won't do as well if he's just standing there barking orders at me and I'm not sure what I'm doing.

And I'm sure they can put me with another trainer until he's better, but even that scares me... it's hard enough being fat in a training room with someone you're comfortable with. I guess I'm just feeling a bit insecure today for some reason...

Haha- yeah, sometimes we all just get hungry and want to eat everything! When I want to eat reasonably, I have to not only remove food from the house, but also lose my money and phonebooks so I can't get more!
Sorry to hear of all your frustration, but that was sort of a funny story with your scale. I would have just thrown it out a window! (Some mornings I'm tempted to chuck mine even though it's fine!)
Too bad about the trainer too! Hopefully his butt is back in order soon so he can continue kicking yours! Have an awesome day from here on out ok?

Sounds like you're on a good track. Congrats on getting back down to the 100's!

Food's my arch enemy-- well, it's everyones, isn't it? I think of it this way: If I eat something unhealthy, it will be gratifying for only a few minutes, but the misery it will cause me later will last awhile.

I hope things go alright with the trainer. There's nothing to be insecure about, really.

Just keep it up!

We all go through it. Some days I'm spot on and others I have the weirdest things calling to me. I almost want to put a lock on the pantry and only be able to get things I really need lol..... it's a struggle.

Yes we do all go through it every 5-7 days in my diary I have a
page long on "I pigged out again today after doing good!
But we all pick our selves up because we want to lose the weight
more than pig out!So just pick yourself up and do it again,because
you can do it you have us whom are going through the same things
as you are! Hvae a gr8 day Tammy

Man, thank you all for your inspiring words of wisdom! I know I can do this... I guess I just forget some days.

Today was much better. I've found that I turn to food mostly out of boredom. You'd think with 4 kids I wouldn't have time to be bored, but it does happen occasionally! Today I cleaned my house and focused on planning the community service project for our Cub Scout Pack. My mind was elsewhere and my stomach was satiated. I even prepared dinner (crockpot) at noon today and wasn't tempted to taste test at all. Progress? Overcoming every day battles is progress for me.

My trainer busted his mouth somehow... tomorrow I'm taking him a mini wastebasket-like basketball goal and telling him that might be safer for him. I can't risk losing him at this stage in my training, lol! I'm so glad it wasn't a broken arm/leg/foot (o dear, I typo'd fooD there)/appendage though. He's a total chatterbox while I'm working out, maybe this will calm him down just a little.

Hi Amy,
Welcome to the WLF

Now I know I've said this elsewhere, and people around these parts are going to be SICK and TIRED of me telling people to do this, but I just can't stop myself...

You wrote:
Now - you need to print that out and tape it to your bathroom mirror.

Go ahead and do it - I'll wait...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Did you do it?
My next thought - quit thinking of yourself as the fat girl who broke her scale.

You're a girl with a broken scale (albeit, just a battery dysfunction), but you're not fat. You're bigger then where you want to be, but you're working on that.

The Fat Girl wouldn't be working out, she'd be sitting on the couch with a can of Pringles.

You're doing great and congrats on thw 23 pound shrinkage

You're right, m2m. That actually sparks some thoughts...

I've lived my entire adult life afraid to say the word, "fat." I had friends who would go on and on about how fat they were and it was actually embarassing. I didn't want to make others feel like that. But more importantly, I had this crazed thought that maybe... just maybe... if I didn't acknowledge that I had a weight problem, no one would notice. I was in a high-profile sales position where people were beautiful. I over-compensated for my physical weakness by being the best leader, trainer and sales manager I could possibly be. I really believed that people did forget that I was 80lbs overweight sometimes. And maybe they did... or maybe they didn't.

People always tell you that in order to truly change your lifestyle and lose weight, the desire has to come from within. Doing it "for" someone else or if you're heart isn't really in it, won't work. I don't want to lose weight to be accepted by others anymore.

Now I can joke about being "the fat girl", but only in safe environments... I'm almost proud to be able to say it out loud, you know? Because I know, that I will never be *this* person again. I'm happy with who I am right now because I'm making positive changes that I can be proud of. I love who I am and I'm living my life to my fullest potential. I'm not hiding in a shell anymore, I'm not afraid of who I am.

Today I did something... well, just phenomenal in my book. I was out the door and downtown by 8am to run/walk in the Tulsa Run 2k race. 2k may be nothing to most people, but I ran over half of it and didn't die. Running across that finish line was truly amazing. I never thought I could feel that great...

My friend and I were walking back to the car and overheard this mom talking to another racer. She was saying that she & her son raced for the first time this year and she regretted not doing it before. She said he was her youngest child and she could have been doing this for the past 11yrs with all of her kids. The man she was speaking to, an experienced 15k runner, looked straight at her and said some of the wisest words I've heard in a long time. It was a simple phrase, but it was emotionally motivating for me right at that moment.

"All that matters is today." She looked at him with her head tilted to the side and he went on... "you can look back over what you should have done all these years, but today is the most important because you can start now."

So that's my new mantra... All That Matters Is Today. Get up and do something TODAY.

Today I went to the gym with my momma. I am so proud of her for getting herself up off the couch and going. She walked an entire mile on the treadmill, then went over and did the Freemotion machines with me. Then she wanted to get on the old Sprint machines... which I knew nothing about. I tend to steer clear of things I don't know how to do, but because she was there, I figured it out. She is about to turn 51, about 270lbs and 4'11" with bad knees, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, bad allergies and diabetes. I've been begging her to go to the gym with me and she's been really nervous about it, so this was a huge deal! I'm just so proud of her!

When we were on the treadmills, she wanted me to see if I could run... so I upped the speed to 6/mph and off I went. She said she'd go with me every day if she could watch me run on that thing because it entertained her, LOL. I'm 100% willing to make a complete fool out of myself if it means she'll go with me though.