I like salad... but not everyday.

And not the kind that's in a bag.

I like having an actual head of lettuce and stuff such as mushrooms, cucumbers, tomatos, etc. to put in it. Packaged stuff = eghhh. And that's what my parents buy when they do.

Ah, I just buy the heads of lettuce and my own fixings....they always put funny stuff in the bags...besides, it doesn't taste as fresh! Well good luck on everything and congrats about the walking today!

So today...

3 cookies: 300 Calories
Skim milk: 90 Calories
5 pieces of chicken nuggets
Roll: 76 Calories
1/2 cup of sliced carrots
A banana
Like 7 assorted nuts: 60 Cals?

I don't feel good right now. Like every other day, I'm depressed and don't feel like I can do it. I don't think I'm going to take another walk today, even though I probably should.

So my parents are making me cook, which has it advantages.

I got to read the label for the lasagna. It's 400 Cals per cup, so I'm going to try and get maybe 3/4 of a cup... Which would be about 300 Cals.

Woot.

Edit: What do you think of this poem?

Some might call me depressed--
Yes, some might call me that.
And some may call me obsessed--
It most surely is a fact.
A few venture to call me blessed--
But this statement I combat.
It is the good that I contest--
I let the rest fall flat.

I amuse myself with wicked thoughts;
They push me through the day.
The choice to live is indeed wrought.
I detest life, I often say.
Most days I am overwrought
By feelings of pity and pain.
Unintentionally, attention is caught,
So happiness is what I feign.

The facts are not so concrete.
It's like a guessing game.
The self-loathing speech I repeat
Has been engrained into my brain.
Since years before, I've felt incomplete.
My heart and mind I cannot tame.
The harsh words refuse to delete
I'm ashamed of who I became.

No one knows me, it seems;
This includes myself.
I don't hold myself in high esteem,
But lock myself up in a cell.
The tears fall in a stream,
Though no one can ever tell.
I'm living in a dark color scheme
Which some refer to as Hell.

Some might call me bizarre--
Yes, some might call me that.
And some observe me from afar--
It most surely is a fact.
A few venture to call me a star--
But this statement I combat.
It is my name that I contest--
I let the rest fall flat.

paroxysm, I'm going to be very honest with you. You are, I think you said 15 years old? I am 19 now but when I was 15 , well you sound just like I did. I hated life, I wrote dark poetry, I cut myself, I was very tired and missed a lot of school, I was up all night crying to my mother "help me..." even though neither of us knew what I was asking for help with. To sum it all up I was depressed. It was hard, very hard, life is hard. I got put on zoloft and it helped me some and I went to a psychologist and that helped some, but I also had to learn to help myself. I had to condition my mind and force myself to emerge from that dark place. I know that all the antidepressant commercials say depression isn't something you can just snap out of and that's true. But you also can't come out of depression until you make the decision that you are going to try to. Now, deciding to gain control of your weight is a wonderful thing, but until you have control of your mind and make yourself believe you can do it, it's not going to work. I urge you to take control right now and then the rest will follow. I'm sorry if I have offended you at all but it's something I felt obligated to say.

Heya, i read but dont post much in this one. I just noticed you linked to my blog though (ok, so i admit im a little slow noticing haha).

Hope things are working out for you

Ughhh.

I... left.

I don't know why I'm such a failure. I can't stick to anything.

I'm going to be fat and hideous forever. Omfk, this is unbearable.

you want some help holding the gun?
life sucks when you kid yourself all the time eh "oh no im dieing", "my life is over because im to lazy to follow through" .. "its everyone elses fault i screwed up my own life" etc etc ad nauseum..

we've all been there done that, snap out of it

Brilliantly written. This could easily be the post of the year.



Convert your boo hoo's into can do's. The 'pity me' path is the easiest one to take, the hard work path is the most rewarding.

I seriously cannot stand counting calories.

I don't know what else to do.

This has been bugging me ever since I saw it, so here I am again.
First of all, you are in no way hideous. Like, not even close. I felt indignant for you just reading that. (I saw the pics when you first posted them.)
Secondly, don't say "forever", you're only in high school. I'm not saying it's too early to do something, but you have SO much time. If you're too busy to exercise or hate counting calories (like me), then take a break. Stick to your three meals a day with healthy snacks in between, you will be fine.

Now I don't know what's going on in your life right now, but judging by your age, there are probably a few stressful things going on at once. (I'm going through the same thing.) You will not feel like this forever. In my opinion there's always a "bad year" of adolescence where you discover all your flaws. When you feel like shit, remind yourself that it does in fact get better.

Remember, all it takes to get back on track is a strong will and a healthy mindset. Many people lack these things, which is why we're always hearing about failed "diets". But the way you spoke of your plans in the beginning, you sounded so motivated, I KNOW you can do it. Don't let a month of feeling hopeless change your future for the worse. Please start over, the way you did in the beginning. If you start again now, you will be thin by this time next year.

Just my opinion. Regard or disregard as desired.

Ok, so I think you said that you were 15? Right now I'm 17. So, you're in high school. And lemme guess. "Everyone" is size 0, and it makes you feel like you can't do anything? That's how I felt, and I also tried to make myself as unnoticeable as possible, buy wearing baggy clothes, and eating lunch by myself. Plus I played volleyball, where we had to wear spandex. =not cool for someone who weighed 225lbs. T2 Trucker said something to me once about how he's glad to see young people like us on this site. I agree with him, and i'm one of those "young people"

NOW is the time for us to turn our lives around. There is so much more life to live, and taking control now is great. Yes, we all have our bad days, and even bad months (like my November, I gained back 5lbs) but you CAN do this.

Counting calories works for me, but you said earlier that you didn't like doing it. Ok then, try just reducing the amount of food you eat for this week. For example, at dinner, when you feel like going for seconds, opt not too. or take out a smaller bowl to eat a bowl of cereal. That's how I lost my first 25lbs, just by reducing the amount of food I ate.

It's alright, everyone gets down once in a while, but no matter what, we're here to support you, through the good and the bad times.

feel free to PM me if you want too.

Hey Paro...
I have 20/20 vision but every time I come to your blog I have to enlarge the text for the browser. The font you use is sooo small.

Anyway, I hope you're doing alright. Are youuu?????? I'm having a hard time lately myself, but we just have to keep pushing ourselves to do the best we can!! Have a good week!

Okay, everyone. I'M BACK.

Not leaving this time.

Ignore everything else I said. I need to restart. I edited my first post a tad.
I took new before pictures, but I'm definitely not posting them. Most were of me in a bra and panties. Eh.
THOSE, of course, are for no one else to see but me. I actually deleted them already. I just wanted to see what I actually LOOKED like other than in a mirror. (The mirror lies sometimes, you know?)

I took a walk around my neighborhood tonight and I have the munchies and cannot sleep because I'm depressed, but I'm drinking water.

I think I'm going to go read.

So since Monday, I've been exercising between 20 and 30 minutes a day-- taking walks. Since it's so cold now, though, I'm going to have to resort to the Walk Away the Pounds videos that I have. I was getting bored and tired of walking outside anyway.

I might get my uncle to put my bike together so that I can ride it sometime.

Anyhow... I've also been eating much less. Something small like a slice of bread with peanut butter, a slice of cinnamon bread, or half an orange in the morning... a turkey sub with a piece of fruit and skim milk for lunch... and half of what I would normally eat for dinner.

And just drinking water-- no soda, not even diet.

And I'm finding it easier and easier for me to say no to food when I see it. If it's oh-so-tempting and just for me, I throw it out. I don't need it. I don't want it as much as I think. It'll just make things worse.

Today I didn't eat one slice of the bread on my turkey sub, but I had a rather large pear that was quite filling anyway, so I was full by the end of the lunch period. Sometimes there's no fruit out with the subs and salads, though, and that is quite depressing. Yesterday, I had a banana with my sub.

I stepped on the scale today and it said 225. I don't know if it was lying before when it said 240 or if it's lying now, but I made sure that the scale went back to zero when I stepped off of it, and each time I tried to re-calibrate the scale, it still went to 225, or somewhere roughly around there.

Which I'm satisfied with because that means if that's my actual weight, I only have to lose 45 lbs to get down to 180 instead of 60 lbs.

I'm going to go attempt the Walk Away the Pounds video right now, since I haven't exercised today at all.